spookie Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Finally I got to a computer! There's something I've been meaning to ask y'all... I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been dating my bf for about a month, talking daily for two, but last weekend, something changed. I was completley into him, ecsastic that maybe I had found my "the one"... until we finally went all the way. Lying in bed after, our limbs intertwined, all the reasons I thought I was falling for him for, morphed into reasons I could not stand to be in the same room. TBH I've had this problem with almost all the men in my past. I convince myself I'm falling in love, thereby giving myself the ok to consummate the relationship...and poof. My "feelings" completely disappear. I didn't want to end it while we were still in bed, despite the overwhelming urge to (I had just taken his virginity, after all) so I decided to give myself a week to see if anything would change... but no. After another weekend together, where I tried very hard to care, I'm just more annoyed than ever. Now there's a list of reasons in my mind I want to flee. (The power dynamics are off (I wear the pants), he disgusts me physically, the sex is terrible, he's a total p*$$y about everything). I don't want to write out the whole thing cause it's mean, but just so you know, it's also LONG. The obvious answer, of course, is that I need to end it. But there's a part of me that's unwilling to let go so quickly. He's a really nice guy, after all, and a fantastic boyfriend; and I know those don't come around very often. And I really think I'm broken, dead inside. With how hard I love(d) my ex, I don't think anyone will ever measure up. Maybe that was it for me, maybe that was the ill-fated love affair of my life; and I should settle now for practicality (it would be hard to beat Mr. AS on that account, on paper he is perfect for me). I just don't feel anything for him. I feel: longing for Wesley, regret about my abortion, guilt regarding my inability to measure up to parental expectations, and basic feelings, like hunger, annoyance, etc. That is ALL. What should I do? Give it more time, because he is a nice guy, smart, and we have things in common? Is it possible if I give it more time I'll begin to feel things? Or should I end it now? If so, how should I do it in such a way that it doesn't mess him up/ turn him away from women for life?
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 he disgusts me physically Was this true before you had sex?
Author spookie Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Was this true before you had sex? No. I didn't think he was as adorable physically as my ex, but he defintiely didn't disgust me. Man... I just received a 2-page email from him detailing the way his mind works when he's with me and how happy and SECURE he feels. A week and a half ago, I would have felt warm inside with fondness reading his words... but now I just feel really, really guilty.
oppath Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 He has Asperger's. He is what, in his mid 20's and never even kissed a girl. You knew all along you'd be wearing the pants physically. That was inevitable. You had the foresight for that. Someone also mentioned a few weeks ago that it almost sounds like you wanted to conquest him, like he was so different from your usual men that you had to see where it goes no matter what. Is there any truth to that? It almost sounds like it was all about the conquest for you.
e.clipse Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 yea, see, i don't think this is the guy for you. i don't think you feel anything more towards him than you felt for the other guys of your past. you just got the butterflies again, like you did with that foreign guy, for example, but now that time has elapsed, there is nothing. he does sound like a nice guy, though. so i'd say that you ought to be honest with him and break up with him. he doesn't deserve for you to have these feelings for him, while pretending otherwise. that ex of yours is really giving you a hard time, spookie.
Walk Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Ok... he sucked in bed. Good enough reason to me for dumping him. I think you haven't healed from what you've been through in the past. And possibly the act of being so intimate with this guy stirred up the past enough that your mind is attempting to shut it out instead of deal with it. I'm sure some of the reasons you have for not wanting to continue a relationship with this new guy are valid, but I think some of the feelings are emotional backlashes from your past. That's probably why you seem torn between wanting to break up and feeling unjustified for doing so. Anyway, when you break it to him that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, it might help if you simple reassured him that it wasn't anything he did or didn't do, that you appreciate his kindness, blah blah... Try to leave him with some dignity since you stole his virginity. Be firm, be polite, be respectful, and be firm. I don't think he needs to know your overwhelming feelings of disgust toward him, or the past issues you're still dealing with. Just tell him you appreciate his efforts and time, but the relationship isn't what you need right now and then wish him happiness in the future. Maybe others have better suggestions on that. All I know is the two times I attempted to give a person "closure" after telling them it was over, it ended up with them guilting me into staying... only to have me lash out until they finally left me the hell alone. I've found just sticking to the fact that it's over, and that I do want them to be happy in the future, is about the best I can do for someone I'm breaking up with.
Author spookie Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) He has Asperger's. He is what, in his mid 20's and never even kissed a girl. You knew all along you'd be wearing the pants physically. That was inevitable. You had the foresight for that. Someone also mentioned a few weeks ago that it almost sounds like you wanted to conquest him, like he was so different from your usual men that you had to see where it goes no matter what. Is there any truth to that? It almost sounds like it was all about the conquest for you. I think Krytie said it. His words have been echoing in my head all day. The thing is, I don't know! I didn't think of him as a conquest at the beginning. There were things about him I liked. A LOT. Things I still like. Like the bs-free nature of our relationship (at least on his end... I'm not doing such a hot job upholding my side of it, evidentally), how smart he is (though now I'm starting to think he's not smart as much as he is in possession of a lot of useless information, which is starting to get on my nerves). I knew I'd be wearing the pants physically. After all, people learn about sex in a fluid manner; I've been experimenting since I was 14, so I have 8 years more experience than he does. But I'm unwilling, for example, to always be on top when we do it. (He tried it once but said the cardio aspect was too much due to his sedentary lifestyle = huge turnoff). I'm also unwilling to fulfill his desire for buttsex... with me on top, "pegging". It's stuff like that. Physically. There's also a lot going on emotionally/mentally. Walk nailed it. Edited February 11, 2008 by spookie
Author spookie Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 yea, see, i don't think this is the guy for you. i don't think you feel anything more towards him than you felt for the other guys of your past. you just got the butterflies again, like you did with that foreign guy, for example, but now that time has elapsed, there is nothing. he does sound like a nice guy, though. so i'd say that you ought to be honest with him and break up with him. he doesn't deserve for you to have these feelings for him, while pretending otherwise. that ex of yours is really giving you a hard time, spookie. You're right. I wish I could have figured all this out without getting his hopes up. He seems to REALLY want a relationship right now. I know how that feels, I've been in his situation and unfortunately I think there are a lot of lessons he has yet to learn the hard way. I'm going to try to be as nice as I can about it, but I think I need to do it soon. He's looking at getting a car and moving into a new apartment... things he's wanted/needed to do but previously had no motivation for. I don't him to change his life around for me only for me to leave. On the other hand... I do think this was good for him. It was definitley an important learning experience. Right?
Ariadne Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Hey, (I wear the pants), he disgusts me physically, the sex is terrible, he's a total p*$$y about everything). I just don't feel anything for him. LOL Well, that didn't last very long. Poor AS guy...
e.clipse Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 well, i don't think he was just a conquest for you. personally, i think that you genuinely did like this guy. because he was different--ie, not an *******--he kind of wrapped you up. his different nature perhaps made you think that maybe you had finally been given a glimpse of light amidst all of that darkness that was consuming you at that time. i think that you honestly felt that you had found yourself a good guy, a different guy, a guy who would treat you right. and you went for it, not for conquest but for hope. however, i believe that you hold you ex to such a standard, that no guy will ever measure to him. after all, i think that when you think about love and what it means to love and be loved, you automatically think of your ex. he is your default, even though he wasn't good for you. but that is the love that you know, and therefore it is hard for you to accept and understand a new one. that's what i mean by him having a strong hold on you still. this guy--yes, he doesn't deserve to be lead on. nobody does, and you know what. but that doesn't make you a bad person. i think you are just not ready to delve into a committed relationship just yet. sure, it has been a while since you have parted ways with your ex, but that doesn't mean anything if you haven't fully healed. he may be nice and whatever else, but your heart doesn't want him, that is evident. and you have that right, spookie. i don't think you should start beating yourself up, like you have a tendency to do, because you really didn't do anything wrong. just let him go. and hang on to yourself.
Ariadne Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Man... I just received a 2-page email from him detailing the way his mind works when he's with me and how happy and SECURE he feels. Oh, no!! Wow
shadowplay Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) Wow, Spookie. I can totally relate to your post. We're eerily similar. The same exact thing happens to me with every guy I date. I'll be head over heels and then suddenly *poof*. Once I've won him over my interest dies. It's made me wonder if I'm actually incapable of loving another person, unless they don't love me back. My curiosity dies so fast. I don't want to anger you, but I think you were unconsciously using this guy from the outset. I believe he was a conquest to you and you lost interest once you got him. I've done the same thing, and I'm not proud of it. For me it's all about the emotional conquest (perhaps with you it's more physical). I love the challenge of breaking through emotional walls. Btw, I think this problem may stem from a combination of having some Asperger's and Borderline traits in my case. I dare say you may suffer from the same disorders. In fact I'd bet quite a bit of money on you being Borderline. Edited February 11, 2008 by shadowplay
shadowplay Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Btw, could you be more specific on what about him disgusts you physically?
Author spookie Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 well, i don't think he was just a conquest for you. personally, i think that you genuinely did like this guy. because he was different--ie, not an *******--he kind of wrapped you up. his different nature perhaps made you think that maybe you had finally been given a glimpse of light amidst all of that darkness that was consuming you at that time. i think that you honestly felt that you had found yourself a good guy, a different guy, a guy who would treat you right. and you went for it, not for conquest but for hope. however, i believe that you hold you ex to such a standard, that no guy will ever measure to him. after all, i think that when you think about love and what it means to love and be loved, you automatically think of your ex. he is your default, even though he wasn't good for you. but that is the love that you know, and therefore it is hard for you to accept and understand a new one. that's what i mean by him having a strong hold on you still. this guy--yes, he doesn't deserve to be lead on. nobody does, and you know what. but that doesn't make you a bad person. i think you are just not ready to delve into a committed relationship just yet. sure, it has been a while since you have parted ways with your ex, but that doesn't mean anything if you haven't fully healed. he may be nice and whatever else, but your heart doesn't want him, that is evident. and you have that right, spookie. i don't think you should start beating yourself up, like you have a tendency to do, because you really didn't do anything wrong. just let him go. and hang on to yourself. I think I like this analyzation the best, probably because it doesn't make me out to be somewhat of a monster. You're right that at the start of this whole thing, Mr. AS seemed like a beacon of lights amidst darkness. I wanted badly for him to signal the start of something new, in other aspects of my life as well; in many ways he has. That's why a part of me is wondering if perhaps this is how good things start; if maybe I'm wrong for wanting to leave so quickly. I don't care about him yet, that's true; I know at this point in my R with the ex, I was already in love; but maybe that doesn't mean anything? A lot of the things about him I find annoying I know would be easy to change. Some of them are borne out of his general insecurity regarding women in general and me in particular. Others (sex) just take practice. Maybe I should wait it out and see where things lead? Or should I go with my "heart" and attempt to find someone who gives me butterflies, rather than trying to manufacture them by changing this guy to suit my specifications? (General wisdom, I know, is that we shouldn't try to change anyone... though in this case, I think the changes Mr. AS is making will benefit him in the long run.)
burning 4 revenge Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Btw, I think this problem may stem from a combination of having some Asperger's and Borderline traits in my case. I dare say you may suffer from the same disorders. In fact I'd bet quite a bit of money on you being Borderline. Spookie, don't you remember me telling yout this? This is two strangers reading the same information giving you an objective answer
Arch Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I don't get how people can change there mind about something so quickly :/ if you are going to be having sex with someone at least make sure your are committed to the relationship before you do so , the guys just going to feel used. You should restrain yourself from saying you love anymore people until you actually mean it.
Author spookie Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) Btw, could you be more specific on what about him disgusts you physically? He is much taller and hairier than my "ideal" (my ex). He's also really skinny-fat (he's not large, but he has no muscle whatsoever -- I am much stronger than him even though I'm half a foot shorter). His arms, chest, and back are soft and flabby to the touch. The worst part for me, though, is the loose skin. He lost something like 90 pounds in high school (which IS admirable), and the loose skin hangs off his front in drapes, brushing up against me if he's on top. When I look at his nipples, which sit 5 inches too low on his chest cause everything is so stretched out, I get a little queasy. I don't WANT to be superficial. I really don't. But, I guess that I am. He's cute with clothes on. And I know it's wrong to compare people. But I just keep imagining my perfect ex, who fit like a puzzle piece in back of me when we spooned... his flawless skin, his lanky limbs, his large dark eyes, his thick dark hair... and I miss him. Edited February 11, 2008 by spookie
dropdeadlegs Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 spookie, I love your honesty! You're not a monster. Maybe the AS traits that you initially found so endearing are doing what they would to most people,...annoying you. I think his seeming intelligence was really more of something along the lines of being able to discuss a topic at length. You are of a higher intellect than most of the population. That makes you harder to please in some ways. Not that it's a bad thing. I do think you hold your (game playing, ignoring you) ex to some higher ground. I don't think you should, but yet you do. Maybe it's that first love syndrome that makes fools of many of us. Are you sure what's his name is so damn special? I didn't think so. Don't try to change AS boy, but don't accept less than what's right for you. I doubt he is the one for you, but that is only my opinion.
Dumbledore Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 But I just keep imagining my perfect ex, who fit like a puzzle piece in back of me when we spooned... his flawless skin, his lanky limbs, his large dark eyes, his thick dark hair... and I miss him. Can you please write me an erotic gay novel? Or a gay erotic novel. Either will be just fine. That paragraph gets :bunny::bunny: (out of a possible :bunny::bunny:).
Storyrider Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I think you had romanticized AS boy, so there was no way he could ever continue to be what you imagined. And the reality isn't right for you. But now that your ex is gone, you've romanticized him too. It isn't always a bad idea to romanticize someone, but it does make it harder when things don't work out because your expectations are so high. Someday you'll romanticize someone, and then when you find out who they really are you'll realize that in some ways they are even better, flaws and all, than what you could have imagined.
Dumbledore Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 But now that your ex is gone, you've romanticized him too. I thought that paragraph was a bit too good to be true.
Dumbledore Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 she has bpd I wish I almost had a personality.
Storyrider Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 she has bpd The guy has saggy man-tits. You don't have to be borderline to be a bit turned off by that.
burning 4 revenge Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 The guy has saggy man-tits. You don't have to be borderline to be a bit turned off by that.In the twenty months Ive been here the girl has been in love with like twenty guys
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