I am having trouble coping......

[totallyhooked]

As the title suggests really Sorry if it is a long post.

 

I have a thread in Friends and Lovers forum.

 

I told my best friend just after New Years that I really liked him.

 

He said I was only 99% perfect, that the 1% was missing and it would never be more than friends.

 

He said I was his Best Friend, and still continues to do so even today.

 

What was becoming painful for me, and the reason for telling him of my feelings, was that he started to date other women and then tell me about it.

 

So I asked that he didn't tell me to spare me the hurt. But we agreed later that lying was not the way to go, and I said please do tell me so i can move on.

 

I've tried NC a few times since then. But I always break it by contacting him. He is my friend, he is my soulmate, that we get on so well is just killing me.

 

Now he only calls when he needs to vent or rant or there is no-one else to talk to. He says he has other friends that cheer him up. that I am the one who understands him when he feels down.

 

We IM'd the other day, I said I was afraid to ask things, ask if he would like to meet up in case he thought I was pining for him, I said I was building up to asking to meet for coffee, and then when he said he had a date, I said I missed the chance, coz then it would look like I was jealous. He said also he is so afraid to hurt me, to step out of line and not be forgiven, of losing my friendship.

 

So we spoke on the phone after that IM, we just can't seem to communicate properly. We can talk about most things for hours, but when it comes to how we truly feel, or something that we perceive would hurt the other, we clam up as we are both scared of rejection and losing the other.

 

So he will not tell me anything that will hurt me and then lead to me rejecting him.

 

We spoke today on the phone for 2 hours. I had been strong all week. Only talking to him when I felt good about myself, and not letting him drain me, which he does.

 

So we spoke, and we talked about crap again. All the while I know he is driving to meet his new date. Who lives past my house, and yet he never comes to see me. I'm not worth the effort.

 

So anyway while talking, I'm feeling the pain rising, I'm hurting bad, I'm thinking maybe he is coming to see me, maybe he will surprise me this time, he is coming this way.

 

He stopped his car, I said you need to go? He said yes. But you could tell he didn't want to say where he was, for fear of hurting me. But I was already hurting. I looked out the window. His car wasn't there.

 

I just can't take this anymore. It hurts so god damn much. I really thought I could be his friend and I can't. Unrequited love is just the worst form of torture, and my sanity is paying the price. I am normally sane, and if anyone else asked my advice I would say Ditch him, he ain't worth your time.

 

How does NC work? What do I do? Do I write him and tell him I can't do this anymore?

 

I just am real down. I've been drinking these last few days, or when I know he is out with other women. But it don't stop the pain.

 

I have to fight my fears and ditch him. I never want to hurt him, I never wanted to ever reject him or his friendship. But he can't and won't give me what I need.

 

The contact thing, I'm talking Myspace, Facebook, Im's, Text, Phone, Home Phone, Emails, everything. How do I do this?

 

Does it get any easier? I love him so much it hurts. That I want him to be in my life, and he says only on his terms breaks my heart.

 

Darn, so many questions. I just hurt, and I need help.

[Always Wrong]

That's so sad. Best of friends, never been lovers, and you can't have him for a friend because you love him too much... it's a heart breaking story. Has he heard this from you? Does he know how much you love him? How much you really, really love him? Have you told him just like you said it in your post? Even the part about hoping his car pulls into your driveway and not someone elses?

 

If he knows all that, won't return your love, won't stop to see you, and still calls you for support that drains your energy, and you're there for him anyway, he doesn't deserve your friendship, much less your love.

[LIVEWIRE]

AW is right. Anyone who uses you emotionally or makes you feel drained....what kind of "friend" is that?

 

I can understand how you feel. You are undermining your feelings for the sake of HIS. Afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing...the fact is that this "friendship" is no longer healthy for YOU. You should definetely go NC for a while and get some emotional distance from him. If he has already told you he's not even interested in a romantic relationship with you..hanging around is likely NOT going to change that.

 

This guy does not sound like he is very understanding of YOUR feelings. He calls only to vent, or when no one else will listen. He knows you love him THAT'S why he does it. He takes complete advantage of knowing regardless of what happens he has you. That is NOT someone who has your best interest at heart. He is being selfish.

 

If you were to NOT take his calls or respond to his contact for a few weeks maybe he will get the hint. Or better yet, make it a point to let him know YOU are going on a "date".....why should YOU sit on the sidelines

pining for him??? All it does is feed his already inflated ego. Don't be too shocked if he acts jealous if he thinks you are not starry eyed over him anymore. He probably will be.

[FLOWERYSTARS]

Nobody is really out of line. He cannot help if he does not feel the same way about you, but for you being his friend seems to have become very painful and unbearable. I wouldnt say ditch him forever, but at the moment the friendship is in danger of being lost completely. He cannot be himself incase it hurts you, and you cannot be yourself in case he sees your actions as asking for more.

It is draining because of all the worry and difficulty with communicating now. It is clear he loves and values you.

Take a break to deal with your feelings. Perhaps then you can pick up your friendship again.

[matt367]

wow. Im in exactly this same situation except im a guy and my best friend is a girl. I fell in love with my friend about 1 1/2 years ago. long story short she knows i love her but opted that we be friends for the time being. fast forward to today we just went NC about a week ago because shes dating a guy she met at school and i couldnt deal so what your doing is perfectly normal. Its been a week and i feel better already and that will happen for you to it may take awhile though. You cant waste time loving someone who wont or cant love you. Move on he knows you love him but he just wants your friendship not your love. i say move on and be happy down the road instead of waiting and dragging it out because eithier way he wont come around and you should go NC to gain control over your life again.

[totallyhooked]

Thank you so much for your replies. I was suffering last night, but today feel good about the NC.

 

I'll go through them then give you an update.

 

Always Wrong: We have been lovers, last September. I was just out of a divorce, he is going through one. He thought he should give it one last ditch attempt at saving his marriage. I accepted that. But he continued to flirt, we met twice after that, both times descending into physical contact, closeness, togetherness, the everything that made it special in the first place. I last saw him Christmas when he drove ot my house with presents and a card, he missed the last posting date, so drove 120 miles.

 

He knows exactly how much I love him. I told him. He said Best Friends. He didn't want a relationship or anything else apart from Friends. Now he is dating others.

 

LiveWire: Key word right now for him: Self Centered. As long as his needs are met, he is happy. I was in a fantastic mood a couple of weeks ago, we were IMing, he called and said he felt jealous, then proceeded to suck the life out of me, left me feeling bereft and upset. The call was only half an hour. Since then if he is bored or has no girlfriend to speak to he calls me or IM's me. Since his date this weekend I haven't heard from him, and to be honest I don't suppose I will. I serve a purpose, when he is down he calls me.

 

Flowerystars: I will be taking a break. That the friendship is draining is worrying. If he values me he has a funny way of showing it right now.

 

Matt367: I was cool with the friends thing, til he started dating, then it got too much to handle. I felt crushed. He started to say that other women made him happy, other friends cheered him up. Hurt me to hear this.

 

Good Luck on the NC Matt, I do hope I can achieve at least a week! Today I've been ok, proactive. I bet tomorrow I crash again. (Also worried that my anger is fueling this ride at the moment)

 

Right I'll get on with the update.

[totallyhooked]

Ok so I decided on NC.

 

It has to be this way. I'll give you some back ground into me, and him.

 

I am 6 months post Divorce from an Emotional Abusive Controller. I was with my ex husband for 20 years all in. 14 year relationship, 6 years married.

 

He is separated, 2nd marriage breakdown. Previously Controlling tendencies which he now claims was his STBXW No: 2 way of controlling him by playing to his unsecurities.

 

I know about abusive relationships. I know about physical and sexual abuse as well as Emotional ones.

 

What started to happen, was that when we spoke, I kinda felt like I did after my interactions with my now ex husband.

 

At first our friendship was wonderful. I got a boost from it. To feel acceptable when feeling like a failure after D was amazing. When we met for the first time, I got swept of my feet. The warning signs though were there from the start. Within a week he said we were going to live together, a week after that I was his soulmate, a week after that we are going through his financies, so that 3 weeks after that I was moving 120 miles to live with him.

 

To say it moved fast is a complete understatement. 2nd week he told me he loved me. He said he had be cheated on before by both wives, that he had abandonment issues, fears about rejection. Exactly the ones I have too. I had low self esteem, but he raised it through the roof. We spoke everyday for hours, into the night.

 

We met in the 3rd week and consumated the "Coupe Du Foudre" After this he went shy and backed off. When we met again, he said he was still in love with his wife. I was kinda relieved, because to uproot my family was going to be hard. To start a new life so soon after Divorce was, in hindsight, a thoroughly stupid thing to do.

 

So we become friends, I back off and give him space to process and save his marriage. No luck and his wife is now with someone else. Everyday while he is trying to save his marriage I am supporting him, but telling him I can't talk to him. He said I need you, you ground me.

 

We meet twice after, the feelings are still there. I felt bad, well disgusted really as he is still technically married, but he says he is confused and the marriage is over. I'm blinded by infatuation of the highest order.

 

Christmas and New Year, after he drove down to me, he starts talking about these other women. He meets them online, flirts and chats with them. Now the thing I only just realised, is every single one seems to be in the same situation I was, either post D after abusive relationships, or trying to get out of one. He "rescues" them. Then you get the "Hero Worship" and the women are hooked. It feeds his ego.

 

Anyway, I tell him I love him, and to be honest, today, I feel I have had the luckiest escape since D, and it's only been 6 months!!!

 

He is, in my opinion, self centered, narscisstic (sp) has real issues. He can't give people what they need, he takes what he can first, then gives drips of attention to keep them hooked.

 

Sometimes after calls, I was left thinking "WTF just happened there?" I just had a four hour conversation and I spoke for 10 minutes. We debate, but what was happening at the end, is that he was talking I was listening and agreeing with him. That I helped, enabled his justifications just sickens me.

 

I am an intelligent woman, I have self respect, but I felt I was losing my mind and who I was. I will tolerate this no more from this man.

 

Yep we had a connection, I thought he was my soulmate. Turns out he is one almighty lifesucking wa**er.

 

yeah sure, I'm gonna miss him. Terribly. That he was there in my darkest hour meant something. that I tried to make myself acceptable to him in order to have him love me back was stupid and senseless.

 

I did the decent thing today. I called a Local Women's Abuse Shelter and explained what has happened to me, including my marriage. I am awaiting counselling asap, and have been put on an assertiveness and self esteem course. All this starts in 2 weeks. They say I have to be strong and have helped with the NC embargo and what I need to do to stay away.

 

I, today, took my life back. I have changed my cell number already, barred his numbers from my home phone, blocked emails, myspace, and IM's. The last defining thing to be done is to block him from Facebook.

 

And this is my dilemma. We always agreed that if I needed time apart, that he wants to be told, he doesn't want to be cut off without knowing.

 

I don't know right now if I owe him this. I feel guilty, terrible guilt. But that is to be expected. I'm doing exactly what everyone has done to him, rejected him.

 

So do I send him one last message saying Thanks for the friendship, but I no longer can be your friend anymore, then say Goodbye. Or do I cut him off with no message? If I cut him off dead, I am worried he will come to my house and try to get the friendship back (he said he would do this if i cut him off, he also said he can be a nasty bast**d if he wanted to be)

 

If you guys can help, I would be very grateful.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[Always Wrong]

I'm so sorry totallyhooked. That must be a terribly painful situation. He is going to screw up and lose you. He's a taker, and you are a giver. I can't imagine him not being aware of what he's doing to you. What a selfish guy.

 

Put that energy he's sucking out of you into someone who will reciprocate. Until you dump him, you won't have any energy for a new guy. Hang tough girl.

[Always Wrong]

Wow! Your post popped up right when I posted mine. That last part about him being a bastard if he wants to be sounds a little like a veiled threat. Not impressive, but probably a good sign you do not want to be alone with him again, ever.

 

He sounds like an abuser. I'd straight out tell him this whole thing has gone south permanently, and you are going to a womens shelter for a while and they are with you right now. Make him think your counselor is with you. He will not want to confront law enforcement, and those counselors can have the law there in a flash.

 

I know that sounds extreme, but your life is worth far more than the value he is putting on it.

[totallyhooked]

Wow! Your post popped up right when I posted mine. That last part about him being a bastard if he wants to be sounds a little like a veiled threat. Not impressive, but probably a good sign you do not want to be alone with him again, ever.

 

He sounds like an abuser. I'd straight out tell him this whole thing has gone south permanently, and you are going to a womens shelter for a while and they are with you right now. Make him think your counselor is with you. He will not want to confront law enforcement, and those counselors can have the law there in a flash.

 

I know that sounds extreme, but your life is worth far more than the value he is putting on it.

 

 

I have a DV women already. They are aware of me due to my ex husband and his past. I will make the call tomorrow to let them know whats going on, and that I may need assistance with this.

 

The Local Shelter has a counselling service. I'm not actually staying in there, but they are going to offer me help and support, as I need it! I do not want to get into a situation like this again, so I need to be a better me to attract a better type of person. And I need to learn to stop giving my all and learn to say no, instead of a begrudging yes when I meant no!

 

I have no intention of starting a relationship with anyone for a long time. I actually like being on my own and having my own space. I love sleeping in a big bed made for two, I can sleep in the middle, play my own music, everything.

 

Anyway I feel good about my decision. And thanks AW for your post.

[Always Wrong]

It's my pleasure totallyhooked. Just checking in on you. I hope things are going well today.

 

As the fighter pilots say, " Keep an eye on your six."

[matt367]

stay strong and stick to NC. you'll be very happy you did later on. keep us posted on your progress. Go for the record of days not talking to your ex, make it a challenge heh. Good luck and keep us updated.

[totallyhooked]

Hi AW and Matt.

 

Thanks for checking in with me.

 

Well Day 3, nearly 4 days. And still no contact.

 

Well it would be nigh on impossible for him to get through to me, unless he is determined.

 

I did send him a note, a message through Facebook. It was my last channel of communication, and even though I don't owe him anything, I just needed to send one final goodbye. Was like closure for me to be honest.

 

I explained I didn't like being taken for granted, disrespected and used. I said I was losing my sanity, and that things got so bad I had to make a choice between friendship or my state of mind. I said I win, You lose.

 

I then blocked him and all his friends from my FB account, and limited my search feature to my friends only.

 

Sounds harsh, and I'm sorry if it sounded angry, but I don't like it when people mistreat me. I've had many people I love unconditionally do it, and I won't stand for it anymore.

 

I cried last night, I admit. Laying in bed last thing at night. Approx. 4 tears, then I concentrated on the crap stuff, rather than thinking about the good times. It helped.

 

Today I took a walk with my youngest son in the local park, the sun was shining and I had my little iPod with me, and it was just bliss.

 

I take pride in the fact I have regained my dignity. And I won't let anyone else take that from me.

 

Again, thanks for checking in, I will let you know how I go with the NC.

[totallyhooked]

As the fighter pilots say, " Keep an eye on your six."

 

Would this be in reference to the devil ?

[joeapa]

a break up can be a hard thing to deal with I saw an ex girlfriends ex boyfriend and it trigger my break up all over again

[matt367]

I'm glad your coping its hard I know. I think about my ex/friend everyday but I doubt she. Thinks about me since she has her bf now. Anyway just spend time with the kids and focus on you. We dont owe them anything and its their loss. Good luck keep in touch!

[totallyhooked]

Well it happened.

 

He got through IM.

 

Said he was glad my assumptions gave me strength. He thought I was right and will not contact me again.

 

 

 

I asked that he didn't contact me. And yet he did.

 

I was doing good. What with it being V day and all. Feel like I been punched in the gut to be honest.

[totallyhooked]

Bad tonight.

 

I miss him. I miss talking to him.

 

I feel bad. I feel guilty.

 

And yet he sent that message, it's like he just don't give a ****.

 

I made sure I was there 24/7 no matter what, and it means nothing.

 

I got into an addiction, and now it's pretty damn hard work getting myself out of it.

 

 

 

The worst bit is the evenings, late at night, we used to talk then, for hours sometimes. Say goodnight, then go to bed in our own respective places.

 

 

I just want to talk about him.

 

So hear goes.

 

 

Babe.

 

What you gave me in those early months of our friendship was immense. The support just immeasurable.

 

I had a friend who understood me, laughed about the same stuff, hell we even liked the same music. I felt like I'd known you forever, and yet it took 34 years to meet you.

 

Today I remember the best bits, and I'm grieving. I feel I went back on my word, I said I would always be around, but I just couldn't do it.

 

I hope one day you can understand why I had to end it, break this cycle of destructive behaviour I enable in others, and in me. My ****ed up childhood has scarred me, almost beyond repair, but I will combat this. I fully intend to.

 

I'm getting help with this, reading about co-dependency, taking classes on self esteem and assertiveness. I wish I could tell you how they go, I wish I could share that with you.

 

I wanted so much to continue the journey with you, and it just wasn't meant to be. In the early days, you showed me how it was meant to be. I take that with me, what we taught each other will hopefully be applied to new friendships and new relationships.

 

You taught me well in the end though, even though it hurt like hell. You showed me how it shouldn't be, what I can't tolerate.

 

Which is why today I listen to Coldplay and "The Scientist"

 

"Nobody said it was easy

It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Aww take me back to the start "

 

 

I just wish I could go back, I wish I could have told you when I felt bad, but I was so scared of losing you, and in the end my mind and insanity did the damage for me, and for you to.

 

I hope I can heal, I forgive you, and I hope you can forgive me too.

 

Take Care Babe.

 

XXX

 

 

Today I just feel bereft. I suppose it's like a chemical addiction, day 4/5 and the withdrawal is kicking in bad. I'm getting out the house, every day, trying to keep my mind occupied, but like I said, late at night the thoughts come. And I can't stop them.