burlap sack Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Hello. I am not sure where to post my question, so I apologize if it is in the wrong forum. I will try to explain my situation and pose my question as briefly as possible: I have been dating my GF for about 4 years now. She is my high school sweetheart and my first everything. Unfortunately, after about 2 years or so into our relationship, it entered an on-again off-again cycle. It has been this way for the past 2 years. I know this is a bad thing in itself, and I hate it very much. The truth is, though, that I do love her. It may seem easy to say I don't, but I do. And I know she loves me. Why the constant breakups, I don't know. I do know that we are both trying to break that cycle and just be together. Because we do love each other. Very much. There is one thing that is hurting me now, however. You see, several months ago, we had a huge fall out. One night, I discovered a text message exchange between her and another guy on her cell phone. The dates indicated they were of the night before. When I read them, I literally wanted to jump off my second story window. Apparently, this guy wanted to meet up with her. To "see" her. He even wrote "I can't wait to show you the type of guy I am" in one. I think we can all guess what he wanted from her. On her end, she said she couldn't see him because it was late. That she wasn't allowed to have company over at that hour. She kept saying things of this sort. When he insisted more and asked her when he could see her then, she wrote: "Oh I don't know. Maybe on the weekend or something." Then they stopped messaging. The last one was around 2 AM. I confronted her on the spot. At first, when I asked her who X was, she said it was a girl friend of hers. Then I told her to not lie, that I knew it was a guy. She said, "Oh him..." (Today I know she actually does have a girl friend of the same name, so I don't know if she was trying to cover herself or what.) She explained to me that she met him at a dinner party of a friends. We were not together at the time. She said he kept asking for her number but didn't give it to him. That her friend must have since she (the friend) saw nothing wrong with it. She said she never saw him, except that one night when we were not together. Of the messages, she said that she was trying to "brush him off" and not trying to set something up. She said she said "maybe on the weekend..." as someone would casually say "Oh maybe next Sunday" to someone else to get them to stop asking something. She said she had no intention of seeing him. She apologized profusely for not handling it better. But that she didn't mean harm. I remember she cried so much, it made me sad. Before this, there had never been any other "guy problems." There was never any incident of this sort before. I guess this is why it hurt me so much. Because I never believed I would go through something like this with her. She always was so loyal and dedicated. We broke up that night. I was too hurt. And I believed that maybe she was going to see him. I wasn't sure. But the hurt and deceit I felt was too much. Months later, we got back together. I went through a rough time late last year. I felt miserable for several reasons. I needed someone to talk to. I turned to her. And she was there. She listened to everything I had to say, though nothing pertained to "us." She was a great friend that night. I missed her. I loved her still. So we ended up getting back together. I remember she said many times to only do so if I was sure. That she didn't want me to change my mind the next day. But I did. I kept remembering that guy. That incident. And I told her I couldn't do it. She told me she was hurt that I did the very thing she asked me not to. But even then, she was understanding. That night, we broke up, for what I thought would be for good. The next weekend, I got into a bad mess. I felt terrible for something I had done. I didn't sleep for almost 2 days. Again I turned to her. And again she was there. She made no mention of us and just listened like a good friend. I realized how much I loved her that night. And I realized how good she was to me. So on Christmas, two days later, I told her this. And we have been together since, working things out. She has been good, and I too. Unfortunately, something similar happened again a few nights ago. We were out. Before leaving, she checked her phone to see the time. She had a missed call. It was from a guy. I felt ill. Not again, I thought. On the way back, she cried non-stop. She told me this guy was a friend of hers. One she made about a year ago at school. That even another girl friend of hers knew him, that she could call her so I could see. She insisted he was just a guy friend, like the girl friends I have and nothing more. It didn't make sense to me. If he was a friend, why didn't I know about him before? If she met him at school and she hasn't been in school for some months now, why are they still talking? And why does a friend call a friend at 1 AM? She answered this. She said she never mentioned him because he is not a close friend. That she also has other girl friends she doesn't mention because they are not close, so she doesn't see the point of bringing them up. She said she did meet him at school, but that they became friends and hung out a few times after she stopped going. That it was always social, with other people, and that she even took another friend of hers so that was how another girl knew him. About why he was calling at that hour, she said she didn't know. She apologized and said she didn't know I would mind that she had a guy friend. She also said that if it made me uncomfortable, she would stop talking to him and anyone else. Because she wants to work things out. And because I mean more to her than they. She cried a lot. She said at one point that I am so quick to point out things I think are wrong, but don't consider all the other things she does to try please me. But I was angry. And hurt. I can't believe it was the same thing again. Though she swore up and down that he is a friend and nothing more. I got so mad that I told her to call him and put him on speaker to see if he really was just a friend. She did but he didn't answer. I wasn't even sure if she had called him or was just trying to fool me, so I took the phone away and checked. She did call. I then went through her phone log. Nothing really suspicious. But what if she erased things? I went through her texts. I saw she has all of mine saved in a special folder. Again, nothing suspicious, except a text from that same guy. He wrote to her saying another guy was leaving to Canada the next day, and asked if she wanted to join the farewell party. I questioned her about it and she told me, so what? That she didn't go or even text him back. I told her they must be good friends, unlike she says, if he is mentioning another guy. She replied that she met that guy one time (another "one time"...) at some get-together, and that he was that guy's friend. She went on to say that in fact, she hadn't even spoken to the guy who called in a long time. Except for a few days ago when she accepted his call. She said he told her about a job opening he heard of. Well, how good of friends can they not be if he knows she is looking for a job? She said she told all of her friends. To get more options or something. And then I asked, well, if this is true, then why didn't you tell me about the job? She said it was too far for her to even consider, so she didn't bother bringing it up. She had an answer for everything. But it still didn't seem to add up to me. So I demanded that she place the phone where I could see it, to see if it rang. She did. Nothing happened. Until she got the phone and called that guy again. She left him a voice mail telling him she was fixing some personal things in her life, and as a result, it would be better if they ceased contact. She asked him to please not call her or send messages and hung up. WTF. To me it seemed like she was trying to hide something. Why would she do that if he is just a friend?? She said she did it so she could see she was severing that friendship. Again because I am more important to her. She asked if we were breaking up. I said we weren't but that I was going to start talking to my girl friends, calling them at whatever hour, asking if I can see them and such. I was just angry. She cried a lot at this. She asked why. I told her that if she can have boyfriends, I can have girlfriends too. She said that if I thought that is what she deserved, then fine, even though she didn't. I dropped her off. All her makeup was smeared on her face for crying so much. She kept insisting that it wasn't what I thought. That she would never do something like that again. I told her to call me the next day and that I wasn't breaking up with her. She did call me but I didn't feel like answering until later. I talked to her a bit. She sounded sad and scared. We talked briefly. Before hanging up, she asked me if I wanted her to call me again or if I wanted her to leave me alone. I told her she could call. She said she would. Our anniversary is supposed to be a few days from now. I don't know what to do. Should I believe her? Would you? I don't know why I didn't break up with her that night. Part of me didn't want to. When she told me she loved me, I knew she was being honest about that for sure. I don't want to continue this damned cycle anymore. Maybe that is why too. But I also don't know what to do. What should I do?
Author burlap sack Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Anyone have any opinions?
D-Lish Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I guess a part of me wonders if this guy that called her was someone she met when you were broken up.... in which case she had freedom and a right to exchange numbers and date others. It sounds as if she really does love you, but it doesn't sound as if you will ever be able to get over the fact that she exchanged some texts with another guy so long ago. You will never be able to relax if there are trust issues.
gfto Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Unfortunately, after about 2 years or so into our relationship, it entered an on-again off-again cycle. It has been this way for the past 2 years. That's all I need to know. This girl's just not into you. Move on.
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