And so it ends...

[Art_Critic]

But why do I want him back? Why do I want him to call me and tell me he misses me? Why do I want him to tell me he's made the biggest mistake of his life??

 

Because your heart hurts and he hurt it... you want him back so the hurt goes away...it will.. but it won't take him coming back to make it go away... you will feel better..

 

and what WWIU said too

[Ariadne]

But why do I want him back? Why do I want him to call me and tell me he misses me? Why do I want him to tell me he's made the biggest mistake of his life??

 

If he did that you'd probably be turned-off I think and dump him.

[Lauriebell82]

Because you've had in him your daily life for a while now, you're used to seeing/hearing from him...Now, all that is gone. It's not just about him, it's about the progession of your relationship, what you put into it, all that energy and love. He's gone and you're left holding the bag, wanting to love, to give....Make sense?

 

I totally agree. I have told you Star that it's normal to mourn the loss of a relationship..the first week is the hardest always. But you are getting through it. And i agree that you have been mourning this relationship for awhile now. I think also that it's not easy for someone to break up with you. Unless it's a totally horid relationship and the person beat you to the bunch to break up, there is always a part of you that feels the hurt and the loss..that's what is telling you that you want him back. I don't think you want HIM back, you want the relationship you had back. I have already told you that probably, but it's so true. I agree that you should cut yourself a break though!

[Kamille]

I have. I totally have.

 

But why do I want him back? Why do I want him to call me and tell me he misses me? Why do I want him to tell me he's made the biggest mistake of his life??

 

Because your heart hurts and he hurt it... you want him back so the hurt goes away...it will.. but it won't take him coming back to make it go away... you will feel better..

 

and what WWIU said too

 

I agree with AC. You're in pain right now and one of the solutions your subconscious comes up with is your ex coming back to you. Those fantasies will fade in time.

 

I remember, during my last heartbreak, how those fantasies brought a moment of relief which was always inevitably followed by moments of despair. shivers.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

I really like the perspective that your therapist has about who was clinging on to whom for happiness. You're an outstanding person Star. And now, I'm thinking that what this means is that the next guy will have to fight harder to win you over. As he should.

[Florida]

I sent you a PM, really good advice already on here too.

[Ocean-Blue]

Star:

 

I'd be lying if I said I'm sorry this R didn't work out. I've been following your posts re: the R and I have to say, I really think this is for the best. And I think, maybe, you know that too...on some level. As it stands, he isn't able to give you what you need. You two are obviously at different points in your lives.

 

I wish you the best and am glad to see that you're braving the storm...

 

I also wanted to say that some of your posts have been inspirational. You didn't give up and truly did give it your all... It takes a great deal of courage and passion to fight for what you want (and I believe you did this). Some of yours posts inspired me to take a more selfless approach to certain things in my life.

 

As for your ex... You are right. He will regret it. But something tells me it may be too late for him...by the time he comes around, you won't be there.

[Star Gazer]

I also wanted to say that some of your posts have been inspirational. You didn't give up and truly did give it your all... It takes a great deal of courage and passion to fight for what you want (and I believe you did this). Some of yours posts inspired me to take a more selfless approach to certain things in my life.

 

Thank you, OB! That's very sweet of you to say!

[spookie]

I didn't realize he was unemployed, broke, and living at his mom's house. That really explains a whole lot. Of course he's going to want to sabotage his R with you. Whether you mean to or not, you're going to make him feel worthless by the simple virtue of your success. It's impossible to have a relationship when you're not at a good place in your life. And, I think your therapist is totally right when she says it isn't you, it's him, and by "temptation" he really means that he needs women to flirt with in his life cause that's one of his only sources of ego-stroking.

 

I've been where he is. I'm half-still-there. And there is no way to feel good in a relationship if you don't feel good about yourself. It isn't about you being good enough. Get that garbage out of your head. It's all about him. I comes before we, and there's no way around that. Otherwise, why don't 17 year-olds settle down? Cause there's not ready. There's a lot to be said for being ready.

 

NC is really hard. And a part of you might always regret having let him go completely, when you realize, some time down the road, when you're both more ready for this maybe, that there's no way to reach him. But, I think without it you cannot heal. And it's definitely harder to find and keep a functional relationship going with a new person if you're still in a dysfunctional non-relationship with someone you're in love with.

[Citizen Erased]

Well I think we can all agree he did not deserve you. I admire how you handled yourself during this whole thing, you really gave it your all hon Just give yourself time. Don't think you have to be over this in a week, mourn the relationship but not forever if you get my meaning.

 

This was clearly not meant to be, but you should try to take as much from this relationship as possible to prepare yourself for the future.

 

Take as much time as you need, and don't ever let any of the negative a-holes on here scare you away from posting about anything. Those people should be ashamed.

 

Take care

[Dumbledore]

, and don't ever let any of the negative a-holes on here scare you away from posting about anything.

Boo!!!!

[dropdeadlegs]

Now-ex BF will never find someone who treats him as well as I did. Of this I am certain. He’ll also come back, in one way or another. That I know too. But because I know he can’t give me what I want, why do I want him to come back? Why do I want him to call me, to miss me, to tell me he’s made a mistake? How do I heal from this?

Nope, he won't ever find another like you, Star! I guaranty you made an impact on his life, though!

 

He made an impact on yours, too. No relationship is for naught, they are all learning experiences in discovering what is right for us. Some are lucky enough to figure that out early in life, and some have to go through many "experiences" to get to the prize.

 

The reason you want him to call, to miss you, etc, is simply that you need validation for giving your all. You don't really need him for that validation, though. You can give it to yourself! Try to think of things on those terms. I don't suggest that it will be easy today, but allow yourself to know that he missed out just for a few moments daily. You were good to him. He won't forget that. It might take awhile, but trust that you have made that impact.

[Dumbledore]

He made an impact on yours, too.

As long as "impact" doesn't mean throwing stones directly at the heart. Ouch.

[HotPink]

Hi Star I know you do not know me but I have spent hours reading all of your threads as our situations were extremely similar.

 

I too felt all of the feelings that you felt, it just turns out that you had good reason to feel like you did and I did not (maybe a mid life crisis?)

 

This man is not capable of loving anyone at the moment and you feel how you do due to self esteem and ego, how can you love someone so whole heartedly and it not be reciprocated? How could he say and do what he did and then just dump you? We will never know the answers BUT what we do know is that you deserve more!

 

Looking at your many previous posts I can see you had quite alot of people telling you what you know now and you took this as negative, when infact it was the truth. Your problem (in my eyes) seems to be that you get tunnel vision when you want something and are not open to suggestion. This is not a bad thing but I believe it is hindering you from seeing what is in front of you.

 

I see that he never told you he loved you, even though you told him. You then said that he says it in other ways. You need to stop seeing things in this way if you are ever to be happy in a relationship (which I guess it what your desire is?)

 

I am guessing I am quite a bit older than you and i have had much experience of dating and new relationships, and one thing I have learned is never to make excuses and just see things that are in front of you.

 

You will meet your Mr Right soon but right now you need to keep away from that new guy and just learn to love yourself.

 

Take care

[Star Gazer]

No offense, HotPink, but yours is exactly the type of post I was hoping to avoid. It reads as "I (or really, others) told you so!" and then I'm left to have to correct your erroneous statements and clarify things. Yours is the only post like this on this thread, and it's really unnecessary. I won't bother explaining where you're incorrect, but this whole, "This is what YOU did wrong" attitude isn't helpful.

[EnigmaXOXO]

We’ve kept in contact nearly every day since, most often playing phone tag, but also having some normal conversations. Why? He wants to remain friends, but how exactly is that supposed to work? Regardless of its impact on me, what’s the benefit to him – 550 miles away – to remain friends? To keep me on the hook until he knows whether or not he’d be moving back? I could see his desire to remain friends if we actually got to see each other – to play pool, see a movie, grab a beer, ski!, etc. – but with the inability to see one another, why is my friendship so important to him? That said, admittedly, I'm the one who initiates contact and he responds. I can't face the fact that if I were to discontinue contacting him, I'd probably never hear from him again.

 

I’m so, so, sorry Star. But the other part of me feels relieved that you didn’t yank up your roots and make any drastic life changes to accommodate him. The distance was either going to make you or break you, and although I know how much it hurts ... in the end it was a blessing in disguise because it helped to unmask the ‘real’ man hidden behind the image he presented to you ... or the one you wanted so badly to believe in.

 

You’re a sharp cookie all on your own, but I must admit if it were me I’d absolutely nix the “lets be friends” thing and get on with my full and busy life absent his constant game playing. Especially given the way he handled it from beginning to end. I wouldn’t even want to call someone like this a “friend” let alone help him to feel better about downgrading your position from lover to buddy.

 

LET HIM MISS YOU, sweetie. Only then will he truly realize just what it is he’s lost. And the only way to do that is to pull off a vanishing act of your own and get on with your life. Believe me, it will be the last thing he expects from you after you have spent so much time jumping through hoops for him. And in the end, probably the only thing that will garner your memory any respect from him, as well as the best way to get over him sooner than later.

 

You’re gorgeous, you’re smart, you’re independent and classy. Average Joes like him are a dime a dozen. You’ll probably attract a lot more of them before finally finding the one who’s actually worth the time and effort. Don’t waste your time on the ones who don’t deserve you. You’re cut out for something bigger and better.

 

By the way ... I kinda like this other guy friend of yours. The one who had your back the night Mr. Flighty stood you up. Why are the two of you just “buddies” ???

[oppath]

I think what Star did, going for broke, was RIGHT. I don't feel she has been more hurt, maybe she's one month behind on healing which isn't much, but she learned some great lessons not because she did anything wrong, about what she wants, needs, and deserves in a relationship. I personally think giving it her all will give her a greater sense of closure when all is said and done so she is not left feeling "what if" about him, and I think the experience is more likely to bring her the love of her life as I doubt that love surfaced in the last month and she missed out on it.

[Star Gazer]

By the way ... I kinda like this other guy friend of yours. The one who had your back the night Mr. Flighty stood you up. Why are the two of you just “buddies” ???

 

I don't know who you're referring to... :confused: I didn't think I mentioned him, but if I did, he's actually another ex who didn't treat me too well at the end. I called him as I waited for BF, and asked, "Why do I keep getting shat on? WTF?!"

 

That guy and I will never really be "friends." I just don't care about him - at all, really.

[shadowplay]

As for your ex... You are right. He will regret it. But something tells me it may be too late for him...by the time he comes around, you won't be there.

 

I said the same thing to her.

[CaliGuy]

I didn't realize he was unemployed, broke, and living at his mom's house. That really explains a whole lot. Of course he's going to want to sabotage his R with you. Whether you mean to or not, you're going to make him feel worthless by the simple virtue of your success. It's impossible to have a relationship when you're not at a good place in your life. And, I think your therapist is totally right when she says it isn't you, it's him, and by "temptation" he really means that he needs women to flirt with in his life cause that's one of his only sources of ego-stroking.

 

Excellent, Spookie and I agree wholeheartedly. This guy doesn't seem like a good catch for SG or anyone. What does he have to offer?

 

SG, with all you have to offer a man, you definitely deserve a much "better" fish

 

Cheers.

[HotPink]

No offense, HotPink, but yours is exactly the type of post I was hoping to avoid. It reads as "I (or really, others) told you so!" and then I'm left to have to correct your erroneous statements and clarify things. Yours is the only post like this on this thread, and it's really unnecessary. I won't bother explaining where you're incorrect, but this whole, "This is what YOU did wrong" attitude isn't helpful.

 

Please accept my sincere apology's Star I did not mean to offend.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You were good to him. He won't forget that. It might take awhile, but trust that you have made that impact.

 

I am so with Legs on this one!

 

We often get too caught up wondering if we gave too much of ourselves or not enough of ourselves to someone. In the end, it really doesn’t matter. Because if you were the best you could possibly be from beginning to end, than that’s the positive memory of you they’re left with. Whether they were at a place in their life where they were able to fully appreciate that or not.

 

It’s easy to walk away from a relationship where you have accumulated resentments. But not so easy to turn away from and “forget” someone who was kind and good to you. But there is also a fine line between treating someone well and being overly accommodating to the point where they begin to take you for granted. Which is why the memory of you “at your best” is the final thing you should leave him with to reconcile with all on his own. And the next time some other gal treats him like crap, he’s more likely to compare that relationship with the one he had (or could have had) with you.

[mental_traveller]

From what's your written, it does sound like you'd be better off overall without this guy. Long distance relationships are difficult enough as it is, and if he isn't handling the time apart then far better for you to move on than to stick around and get hurt. Besides, plenty of fish in the sea and you'll probably find a better one soon anyway.

[sunshinegirl]

I'm sorry for what happened, SG. It's never easy to lose someone that you care about, love, gave your all too. Blech.

 

("blech" being quite possibly the biggest understatement one can make about how much it sucks)

 

Take care of yourself.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

All I can say is I hope you'll stop being delusional now, and listen when people give you advice you don't want to hear. Just because you don't want to hear something doesn't mean it will become less of a reality.

[TerryTeardrop]

You had a lucky escape! That man sounded like a commitment phobe loser!