sarayanna Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Okay, well I am 4 months in to a very odd relationship and I guess I could use some advice. At the very beginning of our dating relationship, my bf and I basically said we wanted to take things very slow and were not interested in anything terribly serious. That we liked the whole exclusive dating thing, but didn't want to have to call eachother every night and definitely didn't want to give up our personal freedoms (ie. hang out with friends, etc.). About a month and a half in, we slept together. At that point, we had the discussion about being exclusive. Great. So now for our whole relationship, we see eachother once every 5-6 days, have a FANTASTIC time, and go back to our respective houses. I have met some of his friends and he has met some of mine. His parents live out of town and he laughed and joked about if I ever want to meet them, let him know. The odd thing is the communication. We email 5-6 times a day during the week at work (he usually initiates) but we NEVER talk on the phone unless it is absolutely out of necessity. I thought, okay, maybe he isn't a phone person??? And no, he's not married. I have been to his house many times, met his friends, work associates, etc. Odd. And when we go out, he always suggests a day to go out again that is like 5-6 days away. Once we did go out on Friday and he suggested to get together again on a Sunday to watch a football game and I was shocked. It's like he's trying not to get too close to me. I think we are both afraid of commitment and giving up our freedoms, but this all feels weird to me. Every so often I feel us getting closer and then its like he retreats until he's ready to see me again. So last night we did the dinner and a movie thing. Had a FANTASTIC time (we always do). After the movie we came back to my house and had sex, which is phenomenal. So we are laying there and he says, "In case you can't tell with all of the mixed relationship signals, I REALLY like you." What??? I guess I am not sure how to read that. It's like he knows he's sending mixed signals that are difficult to interpret and I'm just not sure what to read into that statement. He also said he would call me today, but I knew he wouldn't at the time and I was right. Overall, I really like our relationship, but sometimes I feel like I want more. I'm not sure, this might go both ways in that I have a very busy career and my focus is often elsewhere. I may be sending mixed signals too and I am really letting him do the chasing in that he initiates email conversation and I'm not calling him either. So I guess I need advice about how I should proceed, how I should interpret his actions and any insight on the whole phone thing. I appreciate any and all replies.
thatdude Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 You know, as I was reading this I was totally sympathizing with you until the very end. I was feeling bad for you being all confused and torn. And then you said that thing about making HIM do all the chasing. Well, WTF do you expect him to do in return? He's trying to save his ass from a big breakup and heartbreak. He thinks you're not 100% committed to it, and you too admit that your priorities are usually your work, so he doesn't know how serious you are. that's why he's doing the right thing and keeping his guard up. I wish I and other guys could be like him! It takes effort, confidence and self control to not cave in and just be needy and let your guard down. Given how aloof you're being, he's just protecting himself and I don't blame him for it. When you stop making him chase you, and you start showing your true emotions to him, he will do the same. Until then you can't expect him to just throw himself at your feet and allow you a chance to leave him shattered. Sorry, I've been in that situation and learnt from it. I would do exactly what this guy is doing if the girl I'm dating behaved like you.
oppath Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Actually, it's not an odd relationship at all except for the phone aspect, not talking much. To me, it sounds like how relationships should proceed when you have busy lives. You date. You agree to be exclusive. But you only see each other a couple times a week until you become more attached and more serious. Right now, he seems to want more from you. He wants the relationship to proceed. That is why he is asking to see you more and admitting he has feelings for you. In my relationships, I think it's good not to hang out 4-5 times a week right away. I really feel seeing her twice a week is a good number for the first few months and then as feelings become more strong, you integrate each other more fully into your lives.
Walk Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) I agree with Thatdude. You've told your bf that you didn't want anything serious. Have you ever expressed a different desire since then? The only thing he knows is exactly what you tell him, and most guys are pretty literal in their interpretation. If you tell him you don't want anything serious, then that means you don't want anything serious. Not you do, but you only meant right then. Or you did, but you don't now. Just talk to the guy. If you're happy with things as they are, then leave it be. If you want more, express that to him. If you just want to know how he feels about it, then ask. But honestly, I think the guy is taking your lead. And you haven't suggested the relationship be any different then it is, so its not. p.s he's hinted at several points that he would like more. ie: He said you could meet his parents whenever you want. You're the one who has set the rules of the relationship, so if it's odd... that's your doing. Edited February 10, 2008 by Walk
Author sarayanna Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 You know, as I was reading this I was totally sympathizing with you until the very end. I was feeling bad for you being all confused and torn. And then you said that thing about making HIM do all the chasing. Well, WTF do you expect him to do in return? He's trying to save his ass from a big breakup and heartbreak. He thinks you're not 100% committed to it, and you too admit that your priorities are usually your work, so he doesn't know how serious you are. that's why he's doing the right thing and keeping his guard up. I wish I and other guys could be like him! It takes effort, confidence and self control to not cave in and just be needy and let your guard down. Given how aloof you're being, he's just protecting himself and I don't blame him for it. When you stop making him chase you, and you start showing your true emotions to him, he will do the same. Until then you can't expect him to just throw himself at your feet and allow you a chance to leave him shattered. Sorry, I've been in that situation and learnt from it. I would do exactly what this guy is doing if the girl I'm dating behaved like you. Okay, I think you are making me out to be something I'm not. He has my number. He could call me. He does not. The few times we have talked on the phone, I have called him. I don't want to be the needy "lets talk on the phone everyday" type if that would scare him away. I do think we both have our guards up to some degree for the same reason. We've both been "aloof" to some degree because we probably aren't sure where we stand with eachother. I just can't tell if this is the relationship he wants in perpetuity or if he really wants more but I would think if he wanted more he would call or suggest we see eachother more. His comment last night just threw me off. Again he said, "In case you can't tell from the mixed relationship signals, I REALLY like you." To which I said, "I really like you too." His acknowledgement of the mixed relationship signals leads me to believe he KNOWS he is controlling the situation for some reason.
Author sarayanna Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 I agree with Thatdude. You've told your bf that you didn't want anything serious. Have you ever expressed a different desire since then? The only thing he knows is exactly what you tell him, and most guys are pretty literal in their interpretation. If you tell him you don't want anything serious, then that means you don't want anything serious. Not you do, but you only meant right then. Or you did, but you don't now. Just talk to the guy. If you're happy with things as they are, then leave it be. If you want more, express that to him. If you just want to know how he feels about it, then ask. But honestly, I think the guy is taking your lead. And you haven't suggested the relationship be any different then it is, so its not. p.s he's hinted at several points that he would like more. ie: He said you could meet his parents whenever you want. You're the one who has set the rules of the relationship, so if it's odd... that's your doing. I agree with your comments mostly. We both said at the onset that we weren't ready for anything serious. We agreed to be exclusive once we were sleeping together, but the content of the relationship really hasn't changed. I am starting to 'get it' to some degree. He's hinted at other times he's wanted more; I just didn't see them as hints at the time. He is always absolutely wonderful to me when we are together and yesterday said he wanted us to go on a trip together in April to someplace exotic and warm. I know neither one of us is going anywhere. We like eachother. I guess the only part I need more of would be contact once in a while. I'm not sure how to suggest that without sounding insecure and needy. And I'm not going to just start calling him because I would feel like I was being intrusive or something because that precedent has not been set in the relationship.
thatdude Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) Look, he's already giving you a lot of hints that he wants to get serious. You're not taking the hints. You should. He may be one of those sweet guys (like me) who's been burnt before for coming across as overly needy. It sucks, but sometimes it feels like you just can't win! If you call a girl too many times, she'll think you're desperate and dump you. If you don't call her enough she'll think you're not interested (your situation). I think you need to give him reassurance that you really like him (perhaps compare him to some of your ex's), help him build some security in the relationship and allow him to understand that you wont leave him if he calls you once in a while. It's a very real fear guys have and could be what's causing this percieved disconnect. I'm kinda in the same boat - i really like this girl but I'm afraid of calling her coz she'll think I have nothing better to do. I want to "seem busy" even when I'm just sitting around thinking about her. You gotta call him and put yourself out there before expecting him to do the same. Sorry, I'm gonna side with my gender on this one. Edited February 10, 2008 by thatdude
Walk Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I guess the only part I need more of would be contact once in a while. ......... And I'm not going to just start calling him because I would feel like I was being intrusive or something because that precedent has not been set in the relationship. I think you're allowing fear to color your decision not to call him. Its not good to say you want more contact with him, but won't tell him this, or show him this. It would be beneficial to your relationship to explain you would like more contact with him. You won't come off as 'needy' if you're not a needy person, so don't let that worry you. But he isn't a mind reader, and it is soooo easy for miscommunicate to occur. Why would you chance creating additional problems for the both of you when it would be so much easier just to talk to him? You aren't a needy person. I think he's figured that out by now. What you haven't shown him is that you're interested in more time with him.
Author sarayanna Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Isn't it kind of like bait and switch if I tell him I want more at this juncture? We BOTH said we wanted exclusivity with lots of freedom and nothing particularly serious for a long time. THAT is the relationship we now have. What if he doesn't want more? What if I am basically a reliable booty call or something? Then I go from asking for and getting what I want to changing the rules. I guess that is my biggest fear - that he truly doesn't WANT more. I truly didn't and now I do. Putting myself out there like that scares the hell out of me.
oppath Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Isn't it kind of like bait and switch if I tell him I want more at this juncture? We BOTH said we wanted exclusivity with lots of freedom and nothing particularly serious for a long time. THAT is the relationship we now have. What if he doesn't want more? What if I am basically a reliable booty call or something? Then I go from asking for and getting what I want to changing the rules. I guess that is my biggest fear - that he truly doesn't WANT more. I truly didn't and now I do. Putting myself out there like that scares the hell out of me. But that is LIFE. You always have to ask for what you want. That is the risk that makes love so thrilling and rewarding.
Walk Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 "Booty calls" don't get an open invitations to meet the parents. Plus, it's been 4 months since the both of you started dating. At what point do you think it would be safe to re-draw the lines of your relationship? If you wait too long, then there's the chance he'll decide you aren't seriously into him and he'll break it off to look for someone who will want something deeper. Besides, you two had just started dating when you both agreed on the definitions of the relationship. Its been a few months, both of you have grown within the relationship. Nothing stays stagnant. It either grows, or it dies. So what do you honestly have to lose by not talking to him about it? To me it seems like you want more from this relationship, but you're scared to ask for it. You're scared to lose what you have, even if it's not completely what you want, you'll accept something over nothing. But.. I honestly believe he also wants more, but has the same fears as you do. So are you going to talk to him? Maybe you could just ask him why he doesn't call you? His answer might surprise you. You wouldn't have to have a deep discussion. You could keep it on a light note. Maybe express that you noticed he doesn't call and ask him why. Depending on his answer you could lightly suggest that he give you a call once in a while, that it would make you feel special or something. Let him know its something you would appreciate, and its something relatively easy for him to do that would make you feel good. Then drop it. See if he calls you. You wouldn't have to uproot the whole relationship and change it. Maybe just make a few nudges in the direction it needs to go in order for it to continue developing.
Author sarayanna Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Okay, so I know what you all are going to say, but I am totally paranoid of looking like a TOTAL wuss here. Here is what I came up with to add into an email tomorrow: "Hey - I have a question. Just curious why you rarely call me? I don't mean like everyday, but it would be totally cool to hear your voice once in awhile. Just something I wanted you to know." What do you think? As to the other "stuff", I will talk to him about it in person in maybe another month or so. We are going away for a weekend, and I thought then I might see if he would be open to long-term at some point in the future.
norajane Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Okay, so I know what you all are going to say, but I am totally paranoid of looking like a TOTAL wuss here. Here is what I came up with to add into an email tomorrow: "Hey - I have a question. Just curious why you rarely call me? I don't mean like everyday, but it would be totally cool to hear your voice once in awhile. Just something I wanted you to know." What do you think? I would just call him and tell him I called because I wanted to hear his voice. You don't need all the other words around it, and questions and blah blah. That's the kind of stuff men run from because it puts them on the spot and makes things awkward.
Author sarayanna Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) I would just call him and tell him I called because I wanted to hear his voice. You don't need all the other words around it, and questions and blah blah. That's the kind of stuff men run from because it puts them on the spot and makes things awkward. Cool. But I did that once and he never started calling. Seeing everyone's replies makes me feel better. I definitely know he likes me; I just don't know if he, like me, has changed his mind or not about wanting to be serious. And the whole no phone contact thing is just weird to me. Edited February 11, 2008 by sarayanna
sunshinegirl Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Cool. But I did that once and he never started calling. Seeing everyone's replies makes me feel better. I definitely know he likes me; I just don't know if he, like me, has changed his mind or not about wanting to be serious. And the whole no phone contact thing is just weird to me. My BF and I hardly ever talk on the phone. We're just not phone people. We email each other and txt each other, no prob, but I think we both just dislike chatting by phone. Some people are just like that...
OpenBook Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 "Hey - I have a question. Just curious why you rarely call me? I don't mean like everyday, but it would be totally cool to hear your voice once in awhile. Just something I wanted you to know." What do you think? I think it's perfect, except for the last sentence. It should read: "Just something I'm a little curious about, Big Guy. ;-)"
Author sarayanna Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Okay, so I took everyone's advice and have called him. Twice. Both times we had a great conversation and he seemed genuinely happy to hear from me. I don't think he is going to start calling me on a regular basis, but at least he is open to it if I do the initiating. Also, he had two dozen roses sent to my house today and hinted there would be more flowers for me at the office tomorrow. So I think he truly does feel for me more than we said we would at the onset and we really do have a great relationship, phone contact aside. I've decided he really isn't a phone person; it isn't for lack of interest. Thanks to everyone for your replies! Happy Valentines Day!!
nitabean Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Wow, reading through this is kinda creepy because I am in the same boat. I get a text message when he is on lunch break and a phone call once I get off work daily. I see him 1-3 times a week. I know he likes me, he has shared those thoughts with all of our mutual friends but has only shared them w/ me once but his actions show me when we are together. We decided to be exclusive but I can definitely tell the "letting me in pushing me away" syndrome. It is like he is scared and so fear of him leaving makes me not push or ask questions. I also know that he has a few stragglers from his past few months of being single, one thing that bothers me is there are some he has been up front with me about but there are 2 that call/ text that he doesnt share with me about. The first one has already stopped, the 2nd one started a few days ago. He will turn away to reply and act like I cant tell that is what he did. That makes me shut down, but he has never made an excuse to leave whenever they call or text he stays right with me but the fear of past cheating bf's rears its ugly head and I totally withdraw. At the same time he has been so open and honest about the ex, the FWB that he had, etc. that I want to believe there is nothing to it. We are at the 3 month mark now, I am thinking I need another month before I ask questions......sound good?
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