growingimpatient Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I've been the OW now for about 2 years. The other night, the rug was pulled out from under me. The rug was pulled out from a bunch of people. (I have another thread titled "Don't know which direction to take" if you don't know my story) I always thought that I would be so happy if my MM made a move to leave, but I'm thinking that I was wrong. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything. Love doesn't even begin to describe what I feel for him, almost sounds cheap in a sense. The feeling I get when I'm around him, on the phone with him, text messaging, even thinking about him is indescribable. I see a future, I see perfection in every sense of the word. He is perfectly imperfect for me. I thought every day for the past 2 years that what it would be like. I would choose him over winning the lottery, still would. Now that it's closer than it's ever been, how come I'm so sad? Scared? I know this is horrible, and I know that I have no right to feel for this woman and I should have thought about that before I became romantically involved with her husband. I can't get her out of my mind. I cry uncontrollably thinking about the damage I caused her. Her world has been turned upside down and I'm to blame. (At least partially) I should have known better, we as women are supposed to be in this together. Whether we know eachother or not. I know that I don't reserve the right to be sad for her, but I am. As I write this MM just called, and his W is on her way to the hospital to be treated for dehydration and anxiety. I can't believe this mess I've made. At this point I wish he could just find the words/actions to fix it. I want him to make her feel better at all cost. I told him that, he doesn't think he can. I want to feel the pain for her, I want to take it all back. If making her better means losing him forever, I'm prepared for that. I love him and I want him but I don't know if I can do it at this cost. How much can love overcome? I'm scared that he will grow to resent me either way. Im scared that I won't be able to deal with everything that is to come. I'm scared that she's going to KICK MY ASS!!!!!!!!! I deserve whatever is coming to me. Any and all comments and/or advice will be greatly appreciated.
bentnotbroken Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I've been the OW now for about 2 years. The other night, the rug was pulled out from under me. The rug was pulled out from a bunch of people. (I have another thread titled "Don't know which direction to take" if you don't know my story) I always thought that I would be so happy if my MM made a move to leave, but I'm thinking that I was wrong. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything. Love doesn't even begin to describe what I feel for him, almost sounds cheap in a sense. The feeling I get when I'm around him, on the phone with him, text messaging, even thinking about him is indescribable. I see a future, I see perfection in every sense of the word. He is perfectly imperfect for me. I thought every day for the past 2 years that what it would be like. I would choose him over winning the lottery, still would. Now that it's closer than it's ever been, how come I'm so sad? Scared? I know this is horrible, and I know that I have no right to feel for this woman and I should have thought about that before I became romantically involved with her husband. I can't get her out of my mind. I cry uncontrollably thinking about the damage I caused her. Her world has been turned upside down and I'm to blame. (At least partially) I should have known better, we as women are supposed to be in this together. Whether we know eachother or not. I know that I don't reserve the right to be sad for her, but I am. As I write this MM just called, and his W is on her way to the hospital to be treated for dehydration and anxiety. I can't believe this mess I've made. At this point I wish he could just find the words/actions to fix it. I want him to make her feel better at all cost. I told him that, he doesn't think he can. I want to feel the pain for her, I want to take it all back. If making her better means losing him forever, I'm prepared for that. I love him and I want him but I don't know if I can do it at this cost. How much can love overcome? I'm scared that he will grow to resent me either way. Im scared that I won't be able to deal with everything that is to come. I'm scared that she's going to KICK MY ASS!!!!!!!!! I deserve whatever is coming to me. Any and all comments and/or advice will be greatly appreciated. You should be sad. You should be disappointed in yourself and sad for yourself. That you allowed yourself to be used and put in a position to injure another person so that you could be in love and happy. But no you don't deserve to have your @$$ kicked. I think you beating yourself up isn't going to change the situation. You need to look at what has happened and decide you don't want to every be a party to that kind of pain again. And pray that she recovers.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I think that you're having anxiety...Calm down and decide what you want for your life... Alot of what you say in your post causes me to think why were you in this at all? Why would choose a R where you would feel so badly about hurting the W and that trumps your love for your MM...It seems to me that you are sabotaging your R with him... You are not responsible for his M: he and his W are...Worry about you and what you want and need and can live with... I'm going to go read your other thread...Put this in the perspective of what's good for you...And if being with him is not good for you, then end it...But do so before he messes his M completely up, because that's not cool... (((HUGS)))
Author growingimpatient Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 I do pray that she recovers. I'm afraid of what the future holds, I know I can't change the past. He is still maintaining through all of this, to her and me that he loves me and wants to be here with me. He didn't even seem to be worried about her, he called me first! I had to tell him to hang up the phone and call her. Could the problems in their marriage that put him here in the first place cause that much resentment towards her? I don't know him to be as cruel and detached as he is right now. I also know that he has felt alone for the last 22 years in his relationship. I tried to tell him when this happened, that he was dragging this process out and not allowing anyone to heal. He thought that when he told her everything, she would kick him out and that didn't happen. He didn't know what to do, he couldn't find the balls to finish it. She knows her marriage is over, shes waiting to hear it. He's waiting for her to make the move. All the while keeping everyone in limbo her, me, the kids. Making it more painful for everyone. It is no surprise to me that it's come to this. Your right, beating myself up at this point is only going to put me in the hospital bed right next to her.
bentnotbroken Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 So what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for him to make the choice for your life or are you going to make it for yourself? If he is this cruel to her, why would you want to be with him? Will he be there in your time of need? And no you aren't the cause of their marital problems, but you allowed him to put the energy he should have been putting into his family or divorcing into you. You helped the situation to get even worse by being an accomplish to his deceit. Remove yourself from this mess. It will only get worse.
Author growingimpatient Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Thanks GEL, I've read alot of your posts and I appreciate your advice. I do want him, I do love him...I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be everything he expected me to be. I'm scared that he won't be everything I thought. I don't believe in A's, never did. I never even admitted to myself until just recently that I was in one! Still shocking to me. I care about people, believe it or not. I hate to see anyone hurting and I don't like to be the one to hurt people. I know, should've thought about that a long time ago. I'm taking alot of the blame here, and I know this isn't entirely my fault. (those were her words even). It's just a horrible set of circumstances. A rollercoaster of emotions, and I don't have a choice now but to sit back and go with it. I've come this far for what I believed in, what I wanted, what I couldn't picture myself without. No sense in turning back now. It would all be for not if I did. I don't want to always wonder "what could've been".
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 You can't control him and what he does, but you can control what do, how you react and handle this. Let him call you all he wants...If you really have decided to remove yourself from the affair completely and be out of his life, then do it. You don't owe him any long explanation, he knows why. If his marriage is going to fall apart once she gets out of the hospital, let it be their problem now. Stay far away from him as possible. No friendship, no talking, nothing. This woman's life has been turned upside down and she's having a breakdown. His choice to do that to her...Yes, you were a willing partner in the affair, and it is good now you see the damage, the fallout that happens when lives are ruined - BUT - Forgive yourself for it. His wife may never forgive you, or maybe she will one day...Either way, you need to look after yourself and try to work through your own pain. Seek counselling if need be.. What happens between them now doesn't concern you, if he chooses to stay, then he has his reasons...Whether or not you agree or disagree, his choice. Maybe her being in the hospital will shake him up, enough to realize the damage he's done to his wife. Right now it seems he has no heart and isn't showing ANY signs of empathy or sympathy for his wife...What kind of man is that? Let alone how he could do this to his whole family unit.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 You're right; no one can change the past. So going forward, how are you seeing it? Because if you're so torn up about betraying the sisterhood, it's not going to work out...You'll resent him and you'll feel bad about yourself... I can tell you from firsthand experience that when you are in a miserable, lonely M, you HATE your spouse...and I was only in it for almost 6 years...Imagine 22 years?! And I'm sure the W has similar feelings... He's not keeping them in limbo, they both are...He's not the only one with the ability to call the shots... My advice: stop worrying about their M...Worry about what R you want for you and whether you really want to be with him...
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Thanks GEL, I've read alot of your posts and I appreciate your advice. I do want him, I do love him...I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be everything he expected me to be. I'm scared that he won't be everything I thought. I don't believe in A's, never did. I never even admitted to myself until just recently that I was in one! Still shocking to me. I care about people, believe it or not. I hate to see anyone hurting and I don't like to be the one to hurt people. I know, should've thought about that a long time ago. It is scary...It's a risk...But remember if you love him and he loves you, you can make it through...It will take work, trust and patience, but it can work... He loves YOU...You need to believe that and trust in that...Unless you've presented yourself in a way that is not the real you, you're fine... I know what you mean about being scared...It's like getting so close to what you want you don't want it to disappear...Because that would be heartbreaking...Be yourself...That's the person he fell in love with...The person he would make lots of sacrifices for... I do not think you are a bad person...(Surprise, surprise huh? ) I don't know how you'll have to reconcile your feelings about yourself...But you need to do that so that you can go forward and be happy in your R... Don't worry about what couldv'e been...It's what will be that matters...
StillSame Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Growing, you can't even imagine the damages you have done....you think you know, but you have no idea. The damages to their children will last a life time. I don't know him to be as cruel and detached as he is right now. You're in an affair with him, ofcourse you only see the best side of him. He is not going to show his ugly side to his mistress...no way. If he can be so cruel to the woman he said "yes" to and the woman who gone through pregnancies with him and given birth to his children, don't you think he can do the same thing to you 2 years, 5 years...down the road? Can you really respect a man who can be so cruel to a woman whom he spent so many holidays, life events, etc. with? He can be detached to a woman whom has given him his children and many years of marriage....what did you give him that would make you so much more special than her years down the road?
LakesideDream Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 GI, Some people "fight" for what they want by damaging themselves in hopes of being rescued. I don't know that this is the case, it's possible. I can feel for your situation. You are feeling responsibility for your MM's actions in telling his wife "it's over". You have every "right" (your word) to feel compassion, even pain for your MM's wife. That's something I would expect from a decent person. What you don't need to do is blame yourself for the way they, MM and Wife, handle the situation. You know the situation better than anyone else. You can judge whether the BS is going drama crazy to maintain her status quo, or whether she is actually unbalanced. Blaming yourself for another persons problems, isn't productive. Compassion is.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Growing, you can't even imagine the damages you have done....you think you know, but you have no idea. The damages to their children will last a life time. You're in an affair with him, ofcourse you only see the best side of him. He is not going to show his ugly side to his mistress...no way. Don't you think he can do the same thing to you 2 years, 5 years...down the road? Can you really respect a man who can be so cruel to a woman whom he spent so many holidays, life events, etc. with? He can be detached to a woman whom has given him his children and many years of marriage....what did you give him that would make you so much more special than her years down the road? I think the statement I bolded is somewhat dramatic...Not all children are affected the same way...Children are damaged by parents not loving each other, by fighting all the time...And if the parents are civil and don't badmouth the other parent to the child and see their children and remain a part of their life, they are fine...Life's never a bed of roses... I disagree with the assertion that mistresses only see the good side of him-we see both sides of them...The side that lies as well as the side that loves... It's apparent that you've never been in a miserable M or you'd be more understanding about the dynamics of it... OP, decide how you feel about your lover and don't rely on the negative, dire predictions of those who have never walked a mile in your shoes...
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I think the statement I bolded is somewhat dramatic...Not all children are affected the same way... Not when the kids mom is having a breakdown and in the hospital. This situation is bad and right now his FIRST priority HAS to be kids, not about saving an affair relationship with the OP. Her priority may always be him, he comes first, but with him, his kids have to come first...especially now. Love may not be strong enough to keep his affair going, but his love for his kids IS strong enough to make sure his kids turn out okay. I disagree with the assertion that mistresses only see the good side of him-we see both sides of them...The side that lies as well as the side that loves... In this situation, she's seeing her MM in action, or shall I say non-action. His wife is in the hospital and I'm sure those kids are very upset, and all he can think of is his OW. Something is very wrong with that..Very wrong.
norajane Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I tried to tell him when this happened, that he was dragging this process out and not allowing anyone to heal. He thought that when he told her everything, she would kick him out and that didn't happen. He didn't know what to do, he couldn't find the balls to finish it. She knows her marriage is over, shes waiting to hear it. He's waiting for her to make the move. All the while keeping everyone in limbo her, me, the kids. Making it more painful for everyone. It is no surprise to me that it's come to this. That's who he is. And you're seeing it, admitting it. Added to the knowledge that your affair was born due to his lack of balls to end a bad marriage in the first place, and add your confusion in knowing that what you want is at the cost of his wife's and his children's pain, no wonder you're feeling like this whole things is not a good start to a loving relationship between you and MM. It's possible to make it work, but you can't do it on your own. HE needs to grow that pair and, even at this late date, do the right thing and act with integrity. But maybe you're seeing that's difficult for him and you are questioning what you believe about him. You can take some action and distance yourself from his marital situation right now. Let him deal with it without getting too involved yourself.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Not when the kids mom is having a breakdown and in the hospital. This situation is bad and right now his FIRST priority HAS to be kids, not about saving an affair relationship with the OP. Her priority may always be him, he comes first, but with him, his kids have to come first...especially now. Love may not be strong enough to keep his affair going, but his love for his kids IS strong enough to make sure his kids turn out okay. In this situation, she's seeing her MM in action, or shall I say non-action. His wife is in the hospital and I'm sure those kids are very upset, and all he can think of is his OW. Something is very wrong with that..Very wrong. I didn't see anywhere where the OP said he was trying to save the AR...I don't think that's in jeopardy from what I've read...Just that he called her first instead of his W...That really doesn't seem that crazy to me considering that I would call the person who supports me first... Did I miss where he doesn't care about his kids? Cause I didn't see that...Caring for your children has nothing to do with how you feel about your spouse, especially if you want to D them... And we're talking dehydration and anxiety...She'll be given an IV to restore hydration and Anti-d's and go home...Let's not blow this out of proportion... It's episodes like this that give some spouses emotional blackmail to keep their spouse...Maybe that's how he sees it...
Author growingimpatient Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Thank you everyone. Ok, just spoke to MM. He partially believes that this is a "drama queen" display on her part. The kids are fine, he is home with them and they know nothing of mom being in the hospital. I have to say I was wrong about him not caring, I think what I heard in his voice was shock/numbness. He feels a tremedous sense of responsibility in making sure that she is OK. I think there is alot of resentment there on both parts. Im going to be OK, W is going to be OK, Kids are going to be OK....he just needs to finish this and walk away if that is what he wants to do. And I believe that he does. This is happening because nooone has an answer from him. He hasn't gone anywhere giving W false hopes. She doesn't know when he is going to walk out the door, and she pretty much knows he is going to. He just needs to do it, so that the healing process can begin for everyone. As far as the kids go...your right GEL, not all kids respond the same. I am from a divorced home and my parents get along great....now. Doesn't matter to what degree the home is "unhealthy." Kids learn from example, alcoholics are usually the product of alcoholics, sex offenders are usually the product of sexual abuse. It's a pattern....Kids living in unhappy homes, will think it's ok "the norm" and have more of a chance of living in an unhappy/unhealthy home in their adult lives. Goes way beyond Mom and Dad living under the same roof. Our job as parents is to set the best example possible for our kids..doesn't mean we will always be perfect. But happy parents do make for happy kids.
Author growingimpatient Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 As far as the AR being in jeopardy. It isn't. It's non-existent. I don't feel like the OW in this anymore. There are no secrets, she knows he is in love with me and not with her anymore. If by some crazy chance he decides to "try and make it work" there. The AR ends, it physically cant continue. He will be under lock and key. He told EVERYTHING, every time frame that him and I had. If he stays, he knows that she will be watching every move he makes. It wasn't easy to begin with, she hasn't trusted him in 20 years. Hasn't gotten over the cheating in HS. I hope he likes his 4 walls...he'll be seeing alot of them.
Author growingimpatient Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Well, I told him today that I wanted to end all communication until he figures out what he's going to do. He's just so screwed up right now, and me badgering him is not helping things but I just can't help it. I want to start healing if thats what I'm going to have to do. He's been an open book (too honest sometimes) He says he will know more after his court date (did I mention the DWI he got Superbowl Sunday??). He's afraid of losing his job over this. I doubt that will happen. (1st offense, never been in any trouble before) He has so much going on that he is slowly closing himself off. Tells W he doesn't even want to discuss it, being cold to her. He doesn't know what to tell anyone right now, his main focus really needs to be keeping his license/job. (although if he loses job, I'm doubting W will have much use for him). I know that he will call tomorrow, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to not answer the phone!! He's going through so much, but I can't be his crutch. Not now. Still maintains that he's "outta there", can't give me a time frame though. I can't be asked to wait if I don't know how long!!!!!! I need to back off and let him handle this. Let him miss me. It's so hard, me "being there for him" is what got us this far. (It was definitely a 2 way street, don't know how I would've gotten through my own D w/out him) I'm afraid to find that he can resign himself to living w/out me, when I can't picture my life w/out him. If I keep this up...he'll be visiting me and Wifey in the nut house! (At least he'll save on gas money)
bentnotbroken Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Thank you everyone. Ok, just spoke to MM. He partially believes that this is a "drama queen" display on her part. The kids are fine, he is home with them and they know nothing of mom being in the hospital. I have to say I was wrong about him not caring, I think what I heard in his voice was shock/numbness. He feels a tremedous sense of responsibility in making sure that she is OK. I think there is alot of resentment there on both parts. Im going to be OK, W is going to be OK, Kids are going to be OK....he just needs to finish this and walk away if that is what he wants to do. And I believe that he does. This is happening because nooone has an answer from him. He hasn't gone anywhere giving W false hopes. She doesn't know when he is going to walk out the door, and she pretty much knows he is going to. He just needs to do it, so that the healing process can begin for everyone. As far as the kids go...your right GEL, not all kids respond the same. I am from a divorced home and my parents get along great....now. Doesn't matter to what degree the home is "unhealthy." Kids learn from example, alcoholics are usually the product of alcoholics, sex offenders are usually the product of sexual abuse. It's a pattern....Kids living in unhappy homes, will think it's ok "the norm" and have more of a chance of living in an unhappy/unhealthy home in their adult lives. Goes way beyond Mom and Dad living under the same roof. Our job as parents is to set the best example possible for our kids..doesn't mean we will always be perfect. But happy parents do make for happy kids. So by your logic(and I don't disagree)a kid that knows their parent has an affair(s) is going to be a cheater. They learn from patterns, right? And setting the best example for our children would be remaining faithful until death or divorce, which ever is comes first. We won't be perfect no one is, but we certainly should control our libidos in favor of a better example for our children.
Author growingimpatient Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) So by your logic(and I don't disagree)a kid that knows their parent has an affair(s) is going to be a cheater. They learn from patterns, right? And setting the best example for our children would be remaining faithful until death or divorce, which ever is comes first. We won't be perfect no one is, but we certainly should control our libidos in favor of a better example for our children. I can tell you what my mom told me when her and my dad split. I was young and she said and I quote: "Mommies and Daddies are supposed to hug, supposed to kiss, supposed to smile,supposed to love eachother. This is not the example of marriage I want to set for you" Made perfect sense to me as a child, makes perfect sense to me now. Definitely wouldn't want my son to stay in a marriage because it's the "right" thing to do if it makes him unhappy. This isn't a dress rehearsal...we get one shot at this. Edited February 13, 2008 by growingimpatient
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Made perfect sense to me as a child, makes perfect sense to me now. Though you don't have the son, the MM and his wife does. It isn't up to you to decide what's best for their child - If they should split or not. You only know what MM is telling you - You don't know what goes on behind closed doors with his wife. Still maintains that he's "outta there", can't give me a time frame though. Give yourself a time frame and stick to it. Say if he hasn't filed or left by Spring or early summer, you're out. Done forever. If you don't do this for yourself, you might be waiting another year or two, maybe even more - Depending on the excuse he gives you as to why "now isn't a good time for me to leave ... Birthday, summer holidays, school starting, Thanksgiving, a death in the family...." the list can go on forever..
bentnotbroken Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I can tell you what my mom told me when her and my dad split. I was young and she said and I quote: "Mommies and Daddies are supposed to hug, supposed to kiss, supposed to smile,supposed to love eachother. This is not the example of marriage I want to set for you" Made perfect sense to me as a child, makes perfect sense to me now. Definitely wouldn't want my son to stay in a marriage because it's the "right" thing to do if it makes him unhappy. This isn't a dress rehearsal...we get one shot at this. Agreed, still what you are saying that he is teaching his child(ren)to be unfaithful, lying, cheating and deceitful if they are unhappy in a marriage instead of being adult enough to leave before finding a playmate. And the one shot we get should have some standards to it. Some code of conduct on respect and responsibility, don't you think?
noforgiveness Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Thank you everyone. Ok, just spoke to MM. He partially believes that this is a "drama queen" display on her part. The kids are fine, he is home with them and they know nothing of mom being in the hospital. . WOW how old are his kids. I'm assuming they are older since they have been marrried so long. WHY would he not tell his children their mom is in the hospital???? This is a man who is very use to lying and hiding things. I can not imagine the pain of being hospitalized and having my husband hide it from my kids.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Now that it's closer than it's ever been, how come I'm so sad? Scared? I can understand it. If even only subconsciously, if I were with a man who waffles in his relationships, one who deals with his relationship problems by cheating and lying, and one who will not be there for his partner in times of real need, then I would be scared on some level that he would do the same to me one day. Those problems he has don't change when he changes partners. There is no way I would agree to be with someone until he went through some serious psychological changes and therapy to help clear up whatever it is that makes him so conflict avoidant that he would willfully hurt and lie to others to get what he wants.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 WHY would he not tell his children their mom is in the hospital???? This is a man who is very use to lying and hiding things.You sure got THAT right. This guy wouldn't know honesty or the truth if shoved up his ass with a shovel.
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