showupbutbroken Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I never thought I would be the OW. I lead volunteer efforts in my community, go the extra mile for all my friends, and work hard at my job. One guy at work calls me "Saint *****". But here I am, after a year and a half, a broken woman. I met him just a year and a half into his marriage and also a year and a half ago (he just hit 3 years, no kids). One of the first things he told me as a friend was how unhappy he was and that things were not what he thought they would be. We have a connection I can't explain, a passion for life, music, laughing, good hearts. We are very similar in who we are. We grew close, EA for 6 months, PA for 1 year BUT we have never slept together. For about 8 months now, he has told me how much he loves me but just doesn't have the courage to hurt his family (parents and grandma). I know, what thousands of other MM have told thousands of OW. Over the last month, he has been talking to me a lot less. But we still talk at least once a week. The conversation has been distant because of his looming sadness. The extremely sad event that was building up happened last week. Part of his family moved across the world and they have two kids that mean the world to him. Since then, he won't talk to me at all. In text, his replies have been conversation closers. I know his pain and have tried to offer help but to no avail. Anyway, I lost it last night. Sort of as an OW but more as a friend. This happened at our place of work but my losing it there was more of walking away quickly. It was a brief interaction that seemed forced (like how's it going and then walking away before the person could answer). So, I left and the text messaging began from me (2 at this time pretty much saying sorry he was trying to avoid me and that I would leave him alone). I broke down crying, went for an hour long drive and then text a few more times as I cried all night (7 more to be exact). I cried all night (did not sleep and have never cried so much before) and can't even see how I will make it without him. My heart beats for him. I feel bad for his sadness right now, but this has been building up for awhile. I just don't know where to go from here. I guess if it was ever meant to be, he will come around again someday and if not, I spent a year and half with the love of MY life.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (((HUGS))) I am sorry that you are going through this... I think he's lying...It doesn't make sense, no matter how much he loves those two kids...It seems more likely to me that probably his W started getting suspicious and that's why he's cooling it... Now I could be wrong, he could be telling the truth...Just back off right now and give him space...It's better for you to see his true colors sooner, rather than later... Now get up and get going...You're not going to wallow, you're going to go live! I can bet you he is not sitting around thinking about the last year and half...Men respond to no contact...Take my word for it... Strength is sexy...Use it to your advantage... GEL
Author showupbutbroken Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 I have considered the lying but I know those kids are his world. Everyday since he heard they were leaving he tried to spend each moment that he could with them. They even took a big family photo (it is his sibling's family) because they know it will be so long before they see each other again. I mailed him a book a couple days ago on how to maintain a great long distance connection with kids that move away but his response was "I am going to bed but thanks". Not a call or anything. I know the strength thing but did I play that out already by sending 7, actually 9 total text messages last night? They ranged from the first two being a little angry to I don't know how I will live without you. I guess it doesn't matter. Getting on with life is what matters. I can't take it back. The harder thing will be to remove him from my life. He performs once a month and I have been there every time for the last year and a half. And it breaks me heart to think of not being there. I guess its just keeping the bigger goal in mind.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 So start being strong now...Don't send him any more messages...Don't take his calls and try not to think about him, as hard as that sounds...What's he's doing to you, you can do to him... It is hard, but right now he's in his own little world and it's one that you are not a part of...Take care of you and do what you need to go on... My personal opinion is that when he gets over whatever it is, he'll be coming back to you...But if he doesn't, consider that his W found out or that he was just ready to end the A... You'll be okay...time will heal...
Author showupbutbroken Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 It's just so hard. I've been engaged to the wrong guy and dated a whole lot more of the wrong ones. This man is everything I ever thought a man could be in my mind and he exists. I don't know what love means without thinking in the context of him. I am in my mid-30's and have never fallen in love like this before. He is the love of my life, I am not sure where I will find the strength to disappear. I do have a lot of friends that I have been distant from because of not wanting to tell them about him. But everything feels so empty without being able to share it with him. I know from reading all the posts here that it is the time to let go and move on. And know that it not only has to be real but that he would need courage for us to have a tomorrow. I told him when we first met that not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship, that God has different things in mind for some people. And maybe I am just one of those people.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I told him when we first met that not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship, that God has different things in mind for some people. And maybe I am just one of those people. You know this is normal...I have even thought this...And guess what? I'm engaged and moving in with the love of my life... If he's not the right one for you and it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world, even though that's what it feels like...Everyone feels like this when a R ends and they love the person...It feels like your life is over, you'll never be happy again the world is literally ending... But the reality is that the world doesn't end, and you move on...And you find someone else to share experiences with...You just haven't found the one for you yet, but that doesn't mean that he's not out there... I feel for you...I know how much it hurts to feel like the one you love doesn't love you enough back...When it's right, you'll know it...
OpenBook Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 It's just so hard. I've been engaged to the wrong guy and dated a whole lot more of the wrong ones. This man is everything I ever thought a man could be in my mind and he exists. I don't know what love means without thinking in the context of him. I am in my mid-30's and have never fallen in love like this before. He is the love of my life, I am not sure where I will find the strength to disappear. I do have a lot of friends that I have been distant from because of not wanting to tell them about him. But everything feels so empty without being able to share it with him. Yup, I've certainly been there. The world suddenly goes gray and colorless around you. Like somebody put one of those faucet filters over the sun. But you've been here before (engaged to the wrong guy). You know the sun always comes back out. Always. The quickest way to the other side is to go straight through it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Breathe in, breathe out. Lean on your trusted friends. You will get past this. And he is NOT the be-all and end-all of men. In fact, you're not missing a darn thing without him. This will become clear to you in time. Time is your best friend right now. I told him when we first met that not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship, that God has different things in mind for some people. And maybe I am just one of those people. Huh?? I think maybe you're not looking at this clearly? You think that because you haven't had good luck with men so far, that you're just not cut out for being in a committed relationship? Way wrong, IMO. You obviously want to be in one. And it's totally natural and right to feel that way. But maybe your soul isn't quite ready for it yet... It's not yet your time. There are many factors at play here. You could be picking the wrong guys. Your radar is off. Maybe there are things you need to discover on your own before you're ready to be in an LTR. Maybe this guy was one of those lessons along the way. In any case, it's never a good idea to put all your eggs into any man's basket. There is so much more to you than playing the female role in a romantic partnership. It's everything about you - the whole enchilada - that makes a man (and eventually the RIGHT man) fall madly in love with you anyway. Everything happens for a reason. You don't have to have it all figured out. Just take it one step at a time. You're going to be all right. {{{showupbutbroken}}}
Author showupbutbroken Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Thanks for your replies. It has helped. You guys actually (without knowing it) encouraged me to tell my roommate about all of it and she knows all three of us. She is going to help me. It is one thing to tell your friends that are there occasionally but another to tell someone who is there all the time to help. She said she could see the feelings but had no idea how deep they were, how long it had been building up, etc... I know there is a long road ahead and I do know (at 36 I think I can say this) that he is the love of my life but it is all about timing. I have been so lucky in other parts of my life (won a lot of money about 3 years ago) and I do believe in love. I also know the reasons why my guy friends say I am still single and it has to do more with what I have achieved and how nice I am instead of who I am. They have told me that it doesn't seem like I am real, more of a fantasy girl which to them equals sex and not love. They all tell me they want to marry someone like me but not me. But I guess that if I get handed a card that says I will be single forever and need to serve, I can accept it. I am president of a non-profit service arm of my company in addition to my regular job roles and I know people have it rough. I just don't know how to walk away from everything I ever wanted. But my roommate is here to help - TG!
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I'm glad that you were able to tell your roommate-that's huge! You need your friend's support, it will help you tremendously! Good luck! I'm glad that you're getting perspective on this...
Author showupbutbroken Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 but is doesn't stop the tears. I have been through breakups, my fiance was rough but this is completely different. He is the man that came to me in my dreams, even before I met him. That and another rough patch in my financial life is a hard bridge to cross right now. I fought through grad school, climbing the corporate ladder, but none of that matters. It is amazing what we learn about ourselves, i.e. how passionate we are, when all the chips are down. GEL - thank you for all your great replies, to everyone here that posts in need. OB - thank you also. You are both right, but right now, the heart justs wants to shed a tear and remember an incredible man that it was lucky enough to have loved.
OpenBook Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 You are both right, but right now, the heart justs wants to shed a tear and remember an incredible man that it was lucky enough to have loved. I heard that. Completely understand.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 but is doesn't stop the tears. I have been through breakups, my fiance was rough but this is completely different. He is the man that came to me in my dreams, even before I met him. That and another rough patch in my financial life is a hard bridge to cross right now. I fought through grad school, climbing the corporate ladder, but none of that matters. It is amazing what we learn about ourselves, i.e. how passionate we are, when all the chips are down. You're are completely right, it doesn't stop the tears...But they will stop, eventually and you will know that you have loved from the bottom of your soul... Mourn the R, you loved someone, it is like a death...and then when your grief is gone, you will be healed, but it will take time... It's just really hard... (((HUGS)))
danavladeem Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Wow....this is so sad. The thoughts, for they are so fleeting The pain, for they are so ever present The memories, for they are indelible The love, for all it's valleys and peaks are now the fabric of your soul The touch of a caring hand, a soft shoulder is the shelter you need from this storm I hope you find that shelter of peace. Dana
White Flower Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Best of luck getting over him. I understand completely how difficult it must be getting over the love of your life. It is unimaginable to me at this point. I feel for you. Hang in there and keep posting here. It really helps. (((Hugs)))
Impudent Oyster Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I guess if it was ever meant to be, he will come around again someday and if not, I spent a year and half with the love of MY life. Be grateful it was only a year and a half, some women waste years on men who are never leaving...
Gwyneth Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Sorry for your pain **HUGS and KISSES.** I have been there many times and I know, it hurts. On the bright side, you will eventually meet someone you can spend your time with again just like with the MM, and hopefully he will not be married or unavailable in any way. I know, it sux, but you will get through this. I too have cried many times over men, and then once I move on I look back and think "what was I thinking?!?" I know you too will ask yourself the same question Main thing is to keep yourself busy, and keep reminding yourself that he isn't the right guy for you, and that you are a strong woman. It's really important to think positively. Perhaps you want to talk to a professional about this--maybe they can help you get through this rough time. Married or not, you still cared about him and feelings are feelings. They are very painful when broken. I know for myself when I keep myself busy with work or errands or house chores, my mind is hardly on the guy who has broken my heart. I hope you can find the same remedy.
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