Ebeleptik38 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Hi how are you doing, I'm glad that whoever is reading this kind enough to help me out and hopefully relate or help me with my neurotic-ness. Sorry if there is a lot, but I feel like I should give you the entire scoop so you can kinda get an idea of the whole situation. So here it goes.... I met this really awesome girl around the end of December, and things have been going really good. I live in San Jose, CA and she lives in San Francisco, CA....so a good 45 minutes away. Its long distance nonetheless, and I make every valiant attempt to go see her when its possible. She is a nurse and works graveyard 7pm to 7am, and in groups of 3 days....basically shes a busy girl. With me having weekends of and working a normal 9-5/ M-F job, my weekends are the days to see her if its possible with her schedule. We have now been dating almost 2 months and things have been going well....very well. It seems like we have talked A LOT about many subjects, including sex, and ex's, and past relationships...and now I'm thinking it was such a good idea. It wasn't my idea, nor was it hers, we just get into a conversation and everything starts coming out. She is a very independent woman and totally lives her own life, parties with her girlfriends, and generally likes to have fun when shes not working. During the first month things we're so good, sweet text messages, talking on the phone for hours as if I we're still in high school. We made plans in advance weeks down the line....interest levels were high. I must say that this girl is pretty much everything I'm looking for in a girl right now, and is probably the most physically attractive girl I have ever dated. She is my ideal girl right now. Here's a little about me...I have been single for almost 4 yrs now, I have dated here and there but have never really found anyone worth while. I had been on a serious drought on sex until I met this girl...sad to say it had almost been like 3 yrs since my last sexual encounter. Believe me I was a nervous wreck when we we're gonna git down! LOL I usually know what i want from a girl and it doesn't take me long to want to know where its going. This may just be my ultimate problem, I am so anxious to want to be gf/ bf after a bit of dating. I know I am a little too anxious when it comes to this point. I am so smooth in the beginning with chicks, I'm confident, and just know what to do. Well now I like her...a lot. I have already told her I really like her, she feels the same but just doesn't reciprocate like I do. Before we had sex, we would have the craziest conversations, phone sex and what not. Sex was good nonetheless after a few attempts...I was nervous the first time....but for the most part I did my job Well its been about 3 weeks since I have been my own worst enemy, its like I'm tripping out on the slightest change in the small things....texts, phone calls and the priority of calling back. I am totally not living my own life, and am making myself more than available. Meanwhile she's going out with girlfriends, and taking vacations....and is currently on a cruise to Mexico. She comes back on Valentines Day and will be coming to see me for the first time ever at my place for once. I have awesome plans for V-day with her and even before she left for the cruise told me that she is excited to visit me and see me on V-day. So why am I so worried??? I am constantly worrying if I am coming off too clingy, and get worried why we're not having 1-2 hour phone conversations anymore....I feel like I'm just a little less of a priority to her right now. Then my rational side kicks in and I think about how busy she was with work the last following weeks before she left on this cruise. So why do I still choose to eat myself up and think so negative? I know my faults right now, and I try my best to remain confident and not worry. She is still very good with being affectionate whether it be through via email, and texts. Its just not like how it was before during our first month of dating. I worry if she losing interest, am I coming off to clingy? I know I have to chill out because I really don't want to ruin this for myself. i want to go back to being the confident person I was when I first met her, but now I am putty in her hands. I feel as if the ball is in her court. i have re-read my emails to her and I cant believe how I sound in them....I'm constantly stating how much I like her and how much I like being around her. I know I am completely wrapped up in this girl. Meanwhile she still says she likes me, but is just taking things slow. I have talked to friends and they say I should just start making myself less available....but all I want to do is be with her on my weekends!!! Meanwhile she is just so much more moose than I am...she goes out a lot but is still very good with communicating with me...tells me she misses me and tells me goodnight. I recently have been stressing because I have not seen her in two weeks due to our schedules and her plans with her friends, and now shes on this cruise....its just making me weary. Anyway, I know if I don't calm down after our Valentines Day extravaganza, I could ultimately ruin it for myself. Hopefully just being able to see her on V-Day will calm my nerves and I can see her face to face and then gauge how she still feels about everything. Please if you have any kind of advice...maybe a good kick in the balls....something to make me feel better and thinking so negative about my situation thats really not even that bad!!! Well I'm sure I've typed more than enough, your probably thinking that its all a little too excessive, but I really do appreciate whoever is reading this to have taken the time to hear me out. Thanks you. Hope to be hearing from you guys. Sincerely....MyOwnEnemy.
OrangeSnack Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Hi MyownEnemy Well the reason why you are so worried is because you haven't had a serious relationship in four years. Sure you might have dated once in awhile but apparently this one is your 'ideal girl.' You say she works graveyard hours as a nurse and let me tell you, their one tough cookie. Don't try to worry too much about it, I think you're just over thinking
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 To be honest, you come across as very weak and needy (and pussy whipped). If I was in her shoes, I would be turned off with constant "I like you" emails. Having no life of your own is not attractive either. It sounds like you like her a lot more than she likes you. I would suggest toning it down a LOT, if it's not too late already. Don't contact her as much, leave out "I like yous" - it's very scary when relationship is based on mostly one sided affection. You should be getting to know her, seeing how it goes, not already thinking of her as your ideal girl - it puts too much pressure on the other person and ultimately will leave you heartbroken.
Ariadne Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Well... Welll..... It seems like you have a good reason to be concerned. It sounds like you are looking for the ultimate connection and are having a hard time developing this with that girl. Yes, she has potential, but for what you say it seems like she is not into it as you are. If she thought that you were her true love, she wouldn't have you in the same priority or less as her girlfriends. Not like this: lives her own life, parties with her girlfriends, and generally likes to have fun when shes not working... taking vacations....and is currently on a cruise to Mexico When you find a guy you really click with, all these things lose importance and you prefer to spend time with the one you love. You'd rather cuddle in bed with your love, instead of partying with the gfs. Also, as BEG said, when you don't like a guy very much, to receive these "I like you" emails is just creepy and makes you want to run away. They smell of desperation, as in, I need you, please give me what I need. Good luck with the "Valentines Day extravaganza" and that she makes it. Probably with the time away in the cruise, she'll come back with her head more clear as to what she wants. Btw, they have internet in cruises, so if she hasn't contacted you throughout the trip, things look really bad for you. If I was in love with a guy and on a cruise, I'd be going online at every opportunity telling him about the trip etc. If I didn't contact him, it'd be because I'm trying to keep him out of my mind as in, forget that guy. Ariadne
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Yeah, I thought so. I really appreciate your replies. Funny how I know my gut instincts are always right, and I choose to think otherwise. I don't blow her phone up, and I don't send crazy emails everyday at all. But the ones that I do send usually have something that pertains to me telling her how much I like her. I may have over exaggerated, but for the most part the emails that I send are usually mutual replies to hers. The last email I actually received was when she was at work couple nights before she left for her cruise, and she did mention that she was really excited to come see, and that even though we wouldn't see each other for another week when she gets back from her cruise, that it'll be "worth-while". Do you think shes just trying to be nice? Telling me what I want to hear? Do you think that she just feels obligated to show up for Valentines Day because we have reservations and maybe from there just cut off all ties?
4givrnt4gtr Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 wow, i do feel for you. You sound like me.... And its not a nice place to be. Ive been doing this, what you are doing right now, for the past 8 months. Thing is, no matter what my BF does or says to make me feel loved and cared for one second, if he happens to be in a bad mood, or tired or just thinking about something the next second, i ALWAYS take it personally and as a sign he doesnt like me anymore. So it finally hit me that HE cannot change the way i feel about the relationship. I cannot always be waiting for the time he reassures me unknowingly that everything is still ok between us, because inevitably, he will do something else that will make me doubt it again. It has turned into a nasty cycle that is leaving me completely exhausted. Worst part is, he has no idea. I am finally starting to realize that you can change one of two things in these situations. One is to end the relationship, if its giving you so much anxiety, but tbh, the anxiety will come back in any relationship u get into. The second one is to change how you approach relationships in general. Instead of fearing losing the person (which is what is causing you anxiety), acknowledge that it could very well happen, it may hurt, but you wont die. Once you accept that it could happen, but its not gonna kill you, you will stop trying to forsee it, looking for clues that tell you its the begining of the end. The reason i think we do this, the whole trying to check if things have changed, is so that we can search for ways to stop the break, to fix whatever seem that have been broken or to act differently so the other person stays. Dont do this. All you are going to end up doing is A. seem more needy, B. lose yourself, trying to please her. C. waste time because if she wants to leave, she will leave, no matter what you do. Another thing that Ive been suggested by the lovely people of LS is to be honest and communicate. I have a HUGE issue with that. I cannot do it for the life of me. But if you want to make any relationship work you gotta start being more honest about how you're feeling. And dont worry about what she might be thinking when you do raise whatever issues are bothering you. As i said, if she isnt liking you, keeping quiet about whats bothering you is not gonna make her stay, and if she is liking you, then not only will she make sure to accomodate your need as best as she can but she will also respect you for voicing your concerns (in a non whiny, non needy manner ofcourse). Now if you'll excuse me, im gonna go ahead and try to internalize all that i have just told you
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Hey thanks for responding! Well heres what I know I'm going to have to do...I know I have to start making myself less available. I'm definitely going to cut back on telling her how much I like her, I know she already has more than enough assurance of how I feel. But before I do all this, does anyone think that I should address the situation to her about how I feel like I have not acting like myself? Or should I just play it cool, lay low and do what I just stated and see what happens? The weird thing is that amongst all the things I regret saying/ doing/ acting, she is still pretty good with getting back to me. Whether they be texts or emails she still manages to sneak in a miss ya followed with a muah/ kiss. I know that I have to come off a little clingy/ needy, but I know I am not THAT bad... I don't ever call her more than once a day, I let her get back to me - in which she does. So in conjunction from what I originally posted, do you think she really has diminished feelings and is maybe just stringing me along? Telling me what i want to hear? Do you think she is just feeling obligated to come see me on Valentines day because I made reservations? She emailed me a few days before she left for the cruise....and she said she was really excited to see my place and was looking forward to our Valentines date and we weren't going to hear from each other for a while but that it'll be worth the while when she gets back and of course followed it up with "I miss you...muah". She also called me right before she was getting on the boat...caught up on her last couple nights...and then I dont know if this was the best thing to have said to her. But I ended asking if she was still going to come for V-Day. She kinda thought for a moment that I didn't want her to come anymore, but I re-assured her that I really did and just thought that maybe it would of been a little too much for her since she is coming back on Valentines Day and coming straight to my house from San Francisco. This is the last form of contact since she has left on the cruise..which was Friday the 8th. Hey "4givrnt4gtr" thanks for your input, it kinda feels good to relate with someone in a similar situation. I'm really gonna internalize this myself...and then hopefully by tomorrow completely forget all about these ridiculous emotions/ feelings until she gets back on V-Day!
Winfield Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) If I was in love with a guy and on a cruise, I'd be going online at every opportunity telling him about the trip etc. If I didn't contact him, it'd be because I'm trying to keep him out of my mind as in, forget that guy But...what would you talk about when you come back from holiday? There'd be no need for the "how was your holiday" conversation, as it'll all have already been said... The last place I'd want to be when away on holiday is to be stuck indoors in front of a computer screen... Granted, a telephone call (or 2) over the duration of the holiday, just to show that the one left at home hasn't been forgotten about...but, remember that a holiday is just that - a holiday, a time to "get away from it all"... OP - she said she wants to take it slow, so, my advice would be to go along with her. Remember, you've both got lives outside of dating - she's living hers (with friends), so I suggest you do similar and live yours too... Hey, you can't be joined at the hip all the time! Whatever you do, don't got overboard on Valentine's Day - a card and a simple gift / token of appreciation should suffice, especially since she wants to take it slow (and she won't feel pressured). And, since she's coming round to your place, cooking her a meal would be a nice touch! My advice would be to relax - with regard to schedules, etc, well, they can't be helped (work commitments, etc), and as for her holiday, she probably had that booked well in advance of meeting you... From what you've written, I don't think she's stringing you along. Will she be your girlfriend? Who knows, give it time and see... For the moment though, just enjoy your time together and see where it takes you! Good luck! Edited February 10, 2008 by Winfield
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Thanks Winfield... I like your approach to giving advice already. Also your right, the whole cruise was planned well before we even knew each other. I am not bothered by her cruise, of her wanting to spend time with friends...I'm not a jealous person. However more than anything, I know that I am the one who needs to switch things up a bit, I should off kept busy with my own priorities...just gets hard when you start developing feelings for someone. Yes she wants to take things slow...i totally understand, except my idea of slow might be a little different. With her being in San Francisco and me in San Jose, I always look forward to seeing her...but your right, I should reserve more weekends for just my friends and I. As for Valentines Day I already have reservations for this restaurant in which she already knows about and seems excited for...don't worry I know I sound needy and a little neurotic, but I still know the general dating boundaries and guidelines, i just need to do a better job sticking to them and refraining from acting out of pocket. I must say thought Winfield you definitely make me feel a lot better than Adriadne's post...made me feel as though I completely screwed up...so harsh. But then again I did say I needed a kick in the balls, just maybe not that hard! hahaha I guess the hardest thing out of all this, is all the kick ass reciprocation that was there in the beginning, and seeing the change in that was alarming. However I'm gonna leave it at that, and do my best to enjoy the time that i have with her. Thanks again Winfield! If you got any other kinda insight for me I'd love to hear it! Peace
Ariadne Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 No, The last place I'd want to be when away on holiday is to be stuck indoors in front of a computer screen... That is not true. When I was writing with Denver guy I just couldn't stay away from the computer. When we just started writing and getting to know each other, we'd write books about our lives. I remember I was in my parents' house on vacation and my mom saying "I'm going to smash that computer." She was getting irritated that I was continuosly distracted going back to the computer room to talk to him. Also, one time when I was writing with him I drove to Mexico. I figured that by then he'd have answered my email, so I took an exit on the freeway into some unknown town, and looked around for a "public library" just to read his email. The times I didn't care to write, I just didn't care about the guy. Ariadne
KissYouBack Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Ebeleptik...sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. In all honesty, the best advice anyone can give you is just to chill. You're over-thinking and over-analyzing everything that's happening with this lady. Whenever we like someone we always put a lot of pressure on ourselves, think they're our "ideal" person, and all of that. In all reality, you don't know if she is our not. 2 months in a long distance relationship is not going to tell you everything you need to know about someone. What I'm trying to say is just relax. Don't think about every little conversation and/or detail that happens between the two of you. If it's meant to be, it will be and if it's not it won't. It's as simple as that. All you're doing is hurting yourself in the long run. I agree with whomever said that if you don't have you're own life it's very unattractive. Don't base your whole existence around someone you've only known for 2 months. You seem like a real nice guy, just a little nervous with all that's going on, and your lack of a serious relationship in a while. Don't sell yourself short by acting like a crazy person. Just be natural, and be yourself. Enjoy the early dating stage for what it is and everything else will take care of itself in the end.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Thanks so much KissYou Back, I think this will be all I need to hear from not only your post, but as well as everyone else who was kind enough to take the time to help sort out all this crap cranking away in my mind...you guys have definately drilled some good things I need to know and remember during such a emotional time. Well I'm gonna wait till Valentines Day and see how everything goes, and even after Valentines I'm just gonna keep busy even if it means sacraficing a day that I might be able to spend with her. I'll definately keep you guys posted, and if theres anyone else who feels they could put in more input, I'm always down to hear it. Thanks alot for all your help...calming down....NOW. HAHAHA!
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