Update...from OliveJuice

[OliveJuice]

Okay, my last post was titled "Somewhere I don't want to be..." I posted that a week ago and now I would like to share the conclusion.

I saw my MM at work and it was pretty awkward at first since I hadn't heard from him in a week. Well, about an hour into our shift he called me and after some chit-chat, he informed me that he and his W were going to try to "work things out". I told him that was what I thought he was going to tell me. I got kind of angry and told him that I felt stupid because I fell for his lies. I told him we'd talk later and hung up. I spent the rest of my shift trying not to cry. It was horrible. I called him back, after I calmed down a bit, and asked him to meet me after work so we could say what we needed to say and get it over with.

So, we met and had a long talk. I believed him when he told me he really did mean every word he said to me, but I also realized that it didnt matter. He said he had to work things out "for the kids", etc. I asked him to just tell me if there was any reason I can hope that we could ever be together...he said, "I wish I could, but I can't." That did it for me. Yes, I cried. Yes, I got mad. But, in the end, I just knew that was what I needed to hear. We gave each other a hug and I nodded and we left.

The next morning, my H was mad cause I was late getting home the night before. I admitted I was talking to "John" and I told him that it was a good thing. I didn't do anything wrong. He hugged me and asked if I wanted to tell him anything. It was then I broke down and sobbed. I asked him how we got to this point and he just held me and said he didn't know, but we need to just put all this in the past and work on our future. He never came out and said that he knew what went on, but I could tell he knew. He told me that, if nothing else, this experience made him love me even more and he said that he is to blame for a lot of it. I can't remember the last time I'd cried that hard. It was a release. An emotional dump. I cried because of the guilt, I cried for the loss of "John" and I cried because I realized I was lucky to have married a man who could love me through something so terrible.

That day, I went to work and when I talked to my (now ex) MM, I told him that we need to just be back to where we were before we crossed the line. We were friends. We hung out, we laughed and talked and, yes, flirted, but there was nothing wrong with that. He agreed. I finally felt free.

I wondered why in the world I would waste my energy trying to cling onto someone who doesn't want me enough, when I have a man who loves me more than anything in the world already by my side. I need to hold onto that and put as much effort into loving him back as I did trying to push him away.

So, I guess there is a happy ending, even though it's not what I thought I would have wanted a week ago.

Thank you to all those who replied to my initial post. This site has helped me in so many ways. It was a blessing.

Good luck to all of you. I hope you all find your happiness.

[OliveJuice]

Okay, okay...So, I guess it's not that easy, huh?

I've visited this site every day since I've posted. I read countless other posts. They help me to know that I'm not the only person experiencing these messed up emotions. They help me to see that my MM isn't the only MM who says the things he says.

Even though I really meant the things I wrote in my post, I didn't realize the crap that still goes on inside of me. Perhaps I thought since I was strong and I accepted the way things ended and I accepted my H's love, that everything should just fall into place...the way it should be...and I would be happy with that.

But the truth is, I still glance at my cell and hope my exMM calls on my way to work like he used to. (He doesn't.) I still have my MySpace IM up and running on my screen right now hoping he'll pop on like he used to. (He doesn't. He's the only person I talked to on there so I should just delete it.) When I see him at work, even though I act strong and unaffected, I'm craving something...anything...from him. (Btw, he has given me "nuggets" at work, like, "you still drive me crazy" and "I feel like just running away with you and saying f*** it", etc. I don't even respond to those remarks. He knows where I stand, so what in the hell is wrong with me?!? Am I just so insecure that I NEED to be fulfilled by hearing an I miss you?

I haven't contacted him at all and, like I said, at work, when he calls me or we're partnered together, I am my old self with him. I know, especially after reading other posts, that nothing I can say or do matters. So, I'll never even try. He needs to do what he needs to do. And it doesn't include me. That's okay. I'm strong enough to let it go...on the outside.

I know I would never get back in an EA with him. I have way too much pride to ever believe him again. I guess I just want to hear that he misses me. I guess I'm needing some reassurance that it wasn't just a bunch of lies I fell for. An ego boost? Maybe that would help me get over it?

As for my M...things have gotten better because I've began showing my H some affection and I go straight to bed when I get home, now, instead of spending my time on the computer talking to a MM. I realize that I would never hurt my H by leaving him. I don't even know if I would have for my MM. Can't really say for sure.

I've never been in a situation like this one before. When I analyze it, I realize that I really liked the person I was able to be with my MM. I was fun, adventurous, brave, funny, beautiful, etc. I FELT all of that, which was different than I feel with my H. To him, I tell too many stories he doesn't want to listen to, I don't clean the house as often as I should, I put on those extra pounds around my waist and I'm selfish because I don't think the same way as he does. (He wants me to quit my job, which I love.) My H loves me more than anything, but we have become complacent, as I'm sure most marriages do. I'm planning on working on that. I'm going to try to hold on to feeling good about myself and just BE that fun, beautiful person no matter what. Maybe my H will see me that way again. Maybe.

With the MM, It felt so wonderful to hear someone laugh at my stories, to ask questions and act like they care, it felt good to have someone help me suit up to go into a dangerous situation and to believe I was strong and brave enough to pick me as their back-up. And it was so wonderful when the uniform came off to have someone look at me and see me as a desireable beautiful woman and most importantly, to make me feel like a beautiful woman. That's what I'm going to miss.

 

So, even though I'm doing all the right things...on the outside...how do I overcome the stupid stuff that goes on inside?

Forgive me for being so back and forth. I don't even understand myself.

[NoIDidn't]

That's good news. Maybe you and your H need to go to marital counselling of some sort. And you could go to individual counselling to help get exMM out of your system.

 

It takes time to get over an old lover. Give yourself the time and freedom to grow to that point.