VnusMars Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 My GF came over a few nights ago (as per my previous thread) and repeated what she had said a few weeks ago - she's not happy, she doesn't think she loves me the way I love her, something is missing, she should have recognized the signs long ago but tried to forge through it and make it work in her head/heart. She basically broke up with me, although she wrote an email after she got home saying that she's not ready to say this is the end for us, but she's very mixed up and is afraid of losing me while at the same time not feeling as in love with me as she thinks she should. She wants to get her thoughts/feelings together and regroup soon - maybe tomorrow. The problem is, unlike most of the other breakup stories I've read...there's really no reason for this outside of her not feeling "the spark." We were best friends for 2 years before we became BF/GF... All our friends kept harping on how great we were for each other and should get together... We took things slow at first and were always open about our hopes/fears... We were very happy, supportive of each other, have a million things in common, communicate well, have similar views on life... We have shared hobbies in our music, and work together very well... Our sex life was really good, and she did have passion for me... We were talking marriage and both were excited about that... We didn't have big arguments, no fights, no dysfunction, in fact she said awhile back that she was amazed to finally be in a healthy relationship... So it seems to me the only thing WRONG with the relationship is that something is missing that she thinks should be there. What is that something? What is the root of it not being there? She couldn't give me solid answers - I would have felt better if she had said "I don't think you're attractive" or "We never talk" or "You're mean to me." So why is this happening? The one thought that keeps going through my head is "if this doesn't work out, it's the most senseless and tragic breakup I've ever heard of." And if she wants to end it without making an attempt to save it - through counseling, effort, whatever...then I really just don't understand, and maybe I never will. If I had done something wrong, I would get it - but I didn't. If she could give me a list of things that were wrong, I would get it - but she can't or won't. If she had done something wrong, I might get that too - but she didn't. It's all based on "something's missing." I'm sorry, that's just too intangible and undefined for me, I can't take that as an answer. I mean, I WILL, if that's her decision, and I'll trust that she's doing what she thinks she needs to do and we'll both be better off eventually, but... It just really seems so senseless and tragic. I see nothing but evidence of us working, evidence that she can't or won't refute, so I don't think I'm fooling myself or only choosing to see half the story. The only thing she said that I can agree with and can see as being part of this issue is that we both changed when our relationship started - we both prided ourselves on the idea that a healthy relationship is 2 strong individuals choosing to be together... But she became increasingly fearful of losing her identity, and I became fearful of losing her so I got a bit clingy a few times - we did discuss these issues a few times, so it wasn't like either of us was glossing them over. If that's all there is, then I think that can be worked out. Heck, we're doing it right now by putting distance between ourselves so we can focus on getting our individuality back. The one big factor that my therapist thinks is most of it...and the thing that she disagreed with... She's had health issues off and on for the last 4 months - it's been a really tough time. We had just started getting in the groove of our relationship when it all started, and it put everything on hold. Most of our time together over the last few months was spent with me taking care of her while she slept or lay on the couch in pain. On top of that, her boss and her job have been causing her lots of stress, and she lost her driver's license for 6 weeks - so she's been very dependent on me, and I can tell that kills her since she's so free-spirited - at the same time, she's been very grateful for my help and support. My therapist said that in that situation, people tend to retreat inwards, that they shut out others because they're in survival mode, trying to protect themselves...you can't maintain a relationship when you can barely maintain your life. I hope that now that her health has improved and she's pulling her life together, that she'll realize she does want to be in this relationship - in the meantime, I'm going to take care of myself, but...it's hard not to be sad and frustrated by this whole thing.
oppath Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I feel for you. My most passionate relationship ended and she claimed "this has absolutely nothing to do with a lack of feelings for you. If I wanted a relationship with anyone, it would be with you. All the chemistry, romance, and passion are there and I'm giving up possibly the most amazing relationship of my life." She gave me no reasons. I am like you. I wanted to be told "my feelings have changed" or "I just don't feel we are compatible" or "you aren't romantic enough for me and I feel taken for granted." I wanted to be able to say "I am sorry for not treating you that way. Thank you for being honest." Sometimes, however, that spark is missing. What she is saying may be valid. Sometimes, there aren't any major faults or incompatibilities in the other person, it's just not quite right and you sense that and your feelings don't progress. In those cases, it really has nothing to do with you. That may be what she is feeling, or it may be that her illness etc has made her retreat inwards. It doesn't matter. What matters is right now, your relationship is over. What you need to do is accept that. Also, trust her. Accept that it really is not because of you. I know you want it to be because of you so you can understand and learn a lesson for future relationships. But it is over, and it is not because of you being inadequate or not treating her well, etc. It really has nothing to do with you and who you are and how you treated her. Accept those things. And get angry with her too for not discussing problems earlier. Right now, in your quest to understand, I feel you are taking blame. Don't.. It's not your fault. What's important right now is accepting the relationship is over and working to heal. If you truly understood, I agree, it would help you heal. That is why it's best to just accept it is over. You'll never understand the reasons why.
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. Oppath is right. Curiously, I have always felt the "I don't feel that spark" and "something's missing" to be the EASIEST reason to get over a breakup - it's been the only reason I've ever accepted! Having been on both ends of that elusive missing spark, I feel as though it's the only "reason" that we cannot argue against. There is no blame to be had here. You just have to accept that the relationship as it was is now over.
miami45uconn Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Wow man, something VERY similar happened to me end of Nov. Almost identical. Yeah its really hard to deal with it when you don't know why. The last 6 months to a year i was improving on what she wanted less agressive for example and all kinds of things. I was such a better boyfriend then I was before ( i wasnt terrible i just wasnt the best i could be) However yeah somethings missing exact words aswell, I love her more than she loves me but she still loves me blah blah same stuff. We will never understand. Let me Know how its going later good luck.
stayc208 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I feel you. Something similar happened to me. But after reflecting on it, you don't want someone that isn't loving you back just as much. Focus on yourself right now-- without a girlfriend. Maybe this just isn't your time with her. You learned something from this, you may not know it now, but you did. Stay strong. I know many people say no contact, but you have to do what is right for you. I tried the no contact for a while and it made me feel better but then I broke it and talked to him about things. I got it all off my chest and feel so much better about things. I can see how everything reminds you of them, it's the same for me, but you just have to LET THEM GO. Just keep telling yourself that. You will get to a point where it's better, if not then it isn't the end of things.. keep going. You can do it and you seem like an awesome and caring person. Don't blame yourself and try to stay positive (& busy)!
Author VnusMars Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Thanks for all the good replies... We didn't talk from Thursday night until Sunday afternoon, which is a first for us, we've rarely gone more than 1 day without contact... When we talked on Sunday we couldn't get too in-depth, she was working on an important work project and admitted she couldn't give this topic her full attention at that moment, and she wants to do so. She still wasn't too sure where things are and what it all means, but... I told her the one big thing here is that I miss my best friend. There's been a lot of hesitation and tension and pressure and pain lately, and I would love to just enjoy her company again and do what we've always done best, which is be connected and great friends. In a sense we don't have much choice but to see each other, as we're involved in different musical projects together and have responsibilities to others - we can't just bail out because of this. Yes, of course I miss the romance, the togetherness of being a couple, but for now, while we're working that part out, I think this is the best (we'll see what my therapist thinks when I talk to him tomorrow). She has put lots of pressure on herself to figure this all out, to make herself feel excited about me and about us and to figure out why she isn't. And on top of it, the pain and anxiety of knowing she needed to say/do something but was risking losing her best friend in the process...must be terrible. Maybe knowing that she's not losing her best friend will help her relax and enjoy life, and me, again, and it could rekindle a spark that we lost along the way. In a sense, I we couldreturn to the way we used to be 1 year ago, great friends who are happy and loving and leaning towards the possibility of being together. We did lose some of that over the last year - I came off a bit clingy and dependent on US, she feared losing her individuality to an "US" that she doesn't know how to handle...and then all her health issues and my needing to care for her only compounded her feeling of losing control of her life and the feeling that I was too deferential and sacrificing myself for her... it's still fuzzy, but I can see where that killed off some of the fire. Maybe by putting that behind us and just being best friends again we can find that excitement again. After all, the best relationships start with best friends. Or, it could just be delaying the inevitable and giving her no incentive to really make a decision - right now, just friends is all she wants from me, so if she gets it, why reconsider our romance? It could turn into a stalemate - her not wanting to change the new status quo, but me waiting for her to make the first move to either reconcile or abandon ship. The thing that makes me doubt this is a possible outcome is the fact that she is always honest and communicative with me - if she really wants to stay friends, she will tell me so. But I'll stay hyper-aware anyway. Or, I suppose a time could come where I realize this wasn't really what I wanted or needed, and I may want to move on. It's really hard to believe that will happen, since I've loved her for longer than she has loved me, but who knows. Self-inspection and time do interesting things to a person. So that's where we're at! I went to church for the first time in awhile yesterday - and the sermon was re: "stop worrying about what it all means and live in the present." True words, for sure.
growingimpatient Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I'm sorry your going through this. It's horrible waiting in the balance, putting your future in the hands of the one that you love to "figure themselves out." Have you ever thought that the problem she saw in your relationship is that it was too "perfect"? Some people feed on chaos and aren't happy unless their life is in complete turmoil. Just an idea, I hope things work out for you.
Author VnusMars Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 GrowingImpatient, thanks for the post. Actually I'm trying to get used to the idea that I'm not really putting my future in the hands of someone trying to figure themselves out - in a sense I am, yes, but that absolves me of some responsibility and control - and I have to take some responsibility for this, obviously there must be something I could have done differently to help avoid this - she has said in general that I've been wonderful, but then she also says things were unbalanced and I was too deferential and made sacrifices she feels I shouldn't have made. So, I can control that - and I can control how I respond to her now. I need to take control of my own life and live it as strongly as I can - if I do, I'll be in a better place, and maybe she will feel better about us and want to try, or perhaps we'll both realize it wasn't meant to be and move on. Either way, I can't give up full control to someone else. As for the other part... You may be close to the mark, I wouldn't say she thrives on drama and chaos and has in fact said many times she is so glad to be in a relationship that doesn't have that, since her prior relationships have had it in spades. At the same time, I can see that an underpinning of this may be a fear that she doesn't know how to balance a healthy relationship with her own sense of individuality and strength, and sees the two as conflicting - she said to me more than a few times over the months "I don't know how to do this," and we had discussions about her needing more time for herself and with friends and other interests. And indirectly, her reliance on me through her health issues, and her inability to do anything else, only helped strengthen this belief, and by the time she was getting healthy it was all too much. I believe that she spent the first 4 months of our relationship trying to catch up to me in the "in love" department and really tried to force herself to be excited about getting married and calming her fears about losing herself...and by the time we could have talked it out and done something to fix it, WHAM she was hit with 4 months of health problems, during which she could definitely not focus on her feelings for me, which then made her think they didn't really exist. That is the primary reason I'm willing to stick around and see this through - I strongly believe that her natural fear at the beginning of the relationship was only magnified by 4 months of health issues and a degree of clingy-ness from me. She never had a chance to really develop a strong sense of being in love with me, and now that we've been talking marriage since August and I met her family and etc.etc., she feels like it's not there at all. I'm hoping that by allowing her to get her life back on track personally, physically and emotionally, she'll be able to see me the way she did before and develop the love she never got the chance to fully realize. Of course, that's all wishful thinking, I hope I'm right...only time will tell. And, positive action from me to be her best friend and be strong in my own right.
growingimpatient Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like your the classic "nice guy." In her eyes your "too nice." Putting her needs/wants/desires before yours. Another case (unfortunately) of the nice guy finishing last. She is obviously become used to dealing with Jerks, and you were "different" which is the initial appeal. As far as the health problems are concerned, that is a horrible set of circumstances. However, I'm not sure it's a valid "copout" in the feelings for you department. I would hope that if someone was by my side through something like that, I would come out loving them more and feeling closer to them than before. At least thats how it should be, IMO.
oppath Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. Oppath is right. Curiously, I have always felt the "I don't feel that spark" and "something's missing" to be the EASIEST reason to get over a breakup - it's been the only reason I've ever accepted! Having been on both ends of that elusive missing spark, I feel as though it's the only "reason" that we cannot argue against. There is no blame to be had here. You just have to accept that the relationship as it was is now over. Agreed, I actually want to be told "I care about you and really like you, but my feelings have changed. I am sorry, but I don't feel you are the one." Why? Because the sooner I can accept that reality, the sooner I can really move on. I can't argue against it. In my case, she literally said "it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings and if I wanted a relationship with anyone, it would be with you" when she told friends "he's a great guy, but I'm over it." Confusing? You bet. If there is any way to keep a guy on a string, it's to tell him "this ending has nothing to do with a lack of feelings." I want to here "something is missing, I do not know what." That is far more caring too than listing x,y,z reasons about the other person. If there are specific issues, I do want to be told them BEFORE we breakup and to have the chance to work on them. But when it comes to the breakup, I don't want to be blamed for not doing or being x,y,z. That's just wrong. All it would mean is we aren't quite right for each other for the relationship to endure longer. What's the point in slinging mud and blaming it on things I did not do if it was a good relationship? The best reason really is "my feelings have changed, there is no particular reason, I just feel something is missing and I don't feel that will change, so I need to end the relationship so we can both heal and move on and find the relationships we deserve."
Author VnusMars Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like your the classic "nice guy." In her eyes your "too nice." Putting her needs/wants/desires before yours. Another case (unfortunately) of the nice guy finishing last. She is obviously become used to dealing with Jerks, and you were "different" which is the initial appeal. As far as the health problems are concerned, that is a horrible set of circumstances. However, I'm not sure it's a valid "copout" in the feelings for you department. I would hope that if someone was by my side through something like that, I would come out loving them more and feeling closer to them than before. At least thats how it should be, IMO. Yeah, it could be something similar - I wouldn't put her in the category of being so shallow as to be turned off by a nice guy and prefer someone more aloof and disconnected....but I can definitely see that, given her history with men and her independent streak, she could see me as being TOO nice a guy to where in her eyes I MUST be sacrificing something of myself in order to give to her, and she doesn't want someone who sacrifices like that, because that person must be losing something of themselves, and she doesn't want to be responsible for someone making choices that negatively affect their own life. Case in point - although now that I think on this track, I can point to many others... She has a bit of a mouse problem at her house right now - and she is deathly afraid of mice. We were in her basement last month and she found a dead one on the floor - she flipped out and was hysterical, obviously. I went back down, disposed of the mouse, then took a look around for more, we went to Home Depot and got sealant and I sealed up a crack in the door that may have let them in, she stayed the night at my house, etc.etc. She was appreciative of my help and felt silly for being so wiggy about it. She called Orkin and the guy pointed out a bunch of holes in the foundation that need to be sealed up - a dirty and painstaking all-day job, considering they're in the crawlspace. She was going to price out hiring someone to do the work, but she's trying to save money right now as she's going into business for herself soon. So what did I do? I offered to seal the holes for her. We discussed it off and on, but I could tell she was hesitant that I would do something like that for her. She finally said "just so you know, I would never do something like that for you, so then of course from my point of view you can't really want to do it for me." I agreed, saying "yeah, it will suck, and I'll hate it, but I'm willing to do that for you so you can keep your eye on the larger goal of your business." I thought that was perfectly rational, but she took it really hard and wanted to stop talking about it, and it hasn't come up since. That was a few weeks ago, after the initial discussion about her not being sure about us. So...this is starting to make more sense to me now... We all can only go off our own opinions and standards about things... And in her opinion and by her standards I go WAY above & beyond and have a proven track record of it, I do things she wouldn't do or would feel put upon if she was asked to do them... And so therefore I must really NOT want to do them, and I sacrifice for her. And I use sacrifice in the truest sense of the word, where someone gives of themselves to their own detriment. So, at worst I'll just end up resenting her in the long run, and at best I'm a pushover without a spine. And since our credo has been "a relationship is two strong people choosing to be together," I can't sacrifice for her and be strong at the same time. The problem is that she's wrong - to an extent - I don't do these things to keep her, I don't do them out of desperation or to win favor, I do them because it's natural to me. But, maybe my natural instinct IS predicated on some weakness - I'll have to talk to my therapist about that one It probably doesn't help that she has had one problem after the next (none of her own doing, I should add) and my life has been fairly problem-free since we got together. So the role of giver-taker has been VERY unbalanced for at least the last 4 months (actually, our first real week together as a couple was spent with me taking care of her when she got dry socket after a wisdom tooth extraction! If I'd only known then what the precedent was...) Maybe I should get deathly ill so she feels like things are more even Thanks for the input, I'm starting to come to some realizations here.
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