micahmo77 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) So its Sat night and im sitting here on my computer typing on the good ole loveshack site. Good God what a life right now, im sick of my heart hurting. I bet shes out with her new guy or at the club having a great time. I remember when we would be out together on Sat night for a movie or go dancing or hang out at the coffe shop. Its funny how that works, the dumpee gets to sit aound and be miserable while the dumper dosent give a rats *** more than likely. Its now been 11 days and havent heard a darn thing from my ex. Its really amazing that after 4 years being together, engaged at one point and living together for 2 I can just tossed out like trash like I dont exist. I even have her cat rubbing up against me and walking on the computer while I type. He keeps meowing for attention, LOL! I cant believe she hasent called to see how hes doing at least. So ill be man enough to admit that im shedding some tears right now listening to a song that reminds me of her (My Love by Lionel Richie and Ill Be Waiting by Lenny Kravitz). Does she think of me, does she not even care? If I called or text a message would she just ignore me. I keep asking myself these questions over and over, typing a text message just to delete it before I press the send button. Why does love have to hurt, maybe its actually a desease that we should avoid like the plague. I just want her back so bad its got me thinking I should fight for her no matter what it takes. Dont give up and maybe she will see the effort and how much I care for her. Dont laugh at me LS friends, but you know what I have been working on lately just to torture myself I guess. I started making a pretty elaborate scrap book with all our pictures and a story to tell about each event. I know I sound nuts but in some sort of odd way I think maybe it could help win her back down the long NC road. And if I make it NC and havent heard from her by the end of the month then screw it. Im gonna call and say I need to talk to her in person to give her all her stack of bills and mail I keep getting at my house for her. If she dosent call back then im driving to her house and knocking on her door. Then ill give her the scrap book and pictures from our last Hawaii trip we took together a week and a half ago. By then I should be stronger and back in the gym looking good, hopefully more emotionally stable to chat. Sorry LS friends but I dont think I can just never not try just one more time. Or just initiate some type of contact to she if she would try things slow,maybe date again. If she is messing with someone else still, I would think 4 years and history together could prevail ( love forgives ). Dosent seem like someone could choose some new booty to start from the fresh dating thing over a 4 year relationship. Well thats the plan, maybe im just overly optomistic. Have any of you guys thought like this too? Edited February 10, 2008 by micahmo77
prisonbreak Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Yes, I have thought like this. I was wondering how you were doing and if you made contact. I am glad to see that you haven't. Funny, I was just thinking to myself, how pathetic I am sitting on LS on a Sat night too (no offense LSers), while he's out boozing his sorrows away. But don't you just love the mornings? I do. For some reason I can picture him all hung over and thinking of me. I must say, you are very brave to listen to that music. I can't stand to hear songs that remind me of him. So what's this scrapbook thing? It sounds interesting and sweet. I know everyone on here is NC believers, and so am I, but....whats the harm if you did make one last final attempt? Ok, so it might put you back at day 1, but if she comes back with a flat out "No", then aren't you 1 step closer to closure? Doesn't help to move on in some way? That little bit of hope is put out, whats the harm in that? I sometimes wonder these things for myself. It's been 14 days of NC. Just 15 days ago, he said, maybe this time next yr we'll be married. I believed that. (remember, we were engaged too). Maybe I'll try one last time too. That way, if it still doesn't work out, I can hold my head up high and know I gave all I could. Btw, forgiveness is the biggest form of love. I give you so much credit for being willing to forgive her. I just wish my ex could find it in his heart to do the same.
Author micahmo77 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Oh prison, what a night hugh? im so sad right now. I have the slow songs on repeat LOL! guess its pathetic torture night, oh well, maybe it helps to get it all out in a way. So your 14 days, im 11 and sneakin up behind ya on the NC. What will we do if or when it reaches 30 days and havent heard anything, will we still be hurting? I hope not. So the scrapbook thing, im pretty creative when im lovesick LOL! should have done all this when she was here with me, the regrets! So I bought a scrapbook at Target, they sell the book with the blank pages. Also stamps, stickers and little colored paper to cut out however you want to paste with pictures. ON each page I pasted pictures and telling about each event through our time together. Its kind of fun but pretty hard at times looking at all the exciting events we shared together. I agree with you about giving a last ditch effort down the road, of course when were alittle stronger. I have been reading that book how to get your lover back and it has some good strategies.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Oh my goodness.... hang on a minute, you forgot the thorny branches to hit yourself with, and the sticks to poke your eyes out with and the cast-iron skillet to whang yourself over the head with.... I've heard of people being in pain, but to do it on purpose -? To give yourself deliberate pain? To create, and re-create deliberate situations that will cause you personal emotional harm? Are you nuts - !? That's just not healthy! What the heck are you doing? And, more's to the point - why - ?? What possible purpose does it serve? How in goodness-knows-what's name do you for one second think this is going to help you reconstruct your life for the deserving person waiting for you out there? If this is how little value you place upon your own self-worth, self-esteem and personal dignity and self-respect, then how is anyone else going to perceive what you have to offer -? Turn your computer OFF - have a shower, shave (if you normally do) and get yourself dressed. Then go out somewhere - anywhere - and have a meal, go to a club, ring up some friends, get yourself out there and enjoy living! Isn't that the best form of 'Revenge' - !?
wyrllish Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Hah another one here on a Sat. night listening to songs I just found from the "fav. break up songs list". I actually started reading our old yahoo messenger archives while listening to James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover and I pretty much broke down. My ex still reaches out to me...or did rather I should say. Jan. was a hopeful month for me in her actions/words towards me. Nothing about getting back together but being curious about my personal life in general. Was clinging to that thought of her wondering about me...it seems to have ceased dramatically this new month, valentine's coming up...BAH. I don't think I will ever give up on trying to mend things with my ex either, at least that's how I feel right now. Got many mixed messages from her the last two weeks. Today is my 'pathetic' 3rd day of no contact lol. Longest we went even after our 'take care' talks was two days for a two month period...her being the one who initiates. Part of what she has said the last two weeks... "we never talk anymore" "it's not that I don't want to talk to you...You just seem busy all the time and I didn't want to complicate things more and bug you" "I guess i am happy if you are happy doing what you need to I guess" I had zero hope when we fought and things between us split 2 months ago. Use that hope at times when I'm down to motivate myself in bettering me, know that's bad since it should be me working on myself for me alone not anyone else. I've printed out good parts from numerous threads here on "winning an ex back". Read them often when I feel myself wanting to contact. You want the best chance of reconciliation? You know what you need to do just have to stick to it. Of course I don't follow that all the time...which is why I end up reading peoples advice throughout the day lmao.
adam11 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 im sick of my heart hurting. I bet shes out with her new guy or at the club having a great time. Its funny how that works, the dumpee gets to sit aound and be miserable while the dumper dosent give a rats *** more than likely. Its really amazing that after 4 years being together, engaged at one point and living together for 2 I can just tossed out like trash like I dont exist. You are not alone my friend! that's exactly how it is for me!!
prisonbreak Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Geishawalk--Wow! Even tho I agree with a few things you said, your delivery was a little harsh. Yes, it is important to take care of yourself and move on, but alot of us here are really hurting...it's called grieving. It's ok to grieve, it's part of the process. Everyone does it different, but this is a way of letting go, so you won't carry it with you. Micahmo77--30 days will be tough. For me, if valentine's comes and goes without any contact from him, that will be harder than the 30 day mark. That is my milestone right now. if I don't hear anything on that day, that's when i''m giving up hope. I really do like the scrapbook thing. One day you will give it to her. She may not appreciate it at that moment, but I know some day she will look at it with tearful eyes. Hang in there. And the book with strategies? You know I'm the one that made the mistake, so what strategy should i use? He knows how I feel about him. I've done the whole 7 page letter back in the begining of Dec. and I expressed how i felt on the trip. Now, the ball is in his court and i can only wait now. But any new advice would be great.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I know my delivery sounds harsh, but this is for two reasons: One is incidental, the other is quite deliberate. One: The major method we have of communication is through Body Language. Around 80% of the way we communicate effectively with others is via physical signals. Strange but true... the second percentage (10 - 12%) is inflection or intonation, and the third quantity/percentage (8% - 10%) is the verbal content. Unfortunately, the first two are denied to us on a forum, and all we have is written words. so yes, I can see why my words may seem harsh. The second reason is that somethimes, a 'cold splash from a bucket of water' is occasionally more effective than the platitudes and sympathies offered by many who have or are in the same boat. valuable, caring and considerate though these may be (and I do not doubt for a second that everyone responding wants to show empathy and support) I think occasionally that a swift kick is what may be equally useful. They do say "misery loves company" but I would challenge anyone to come back to their posts in a year, and see which other posts or advice stands out. I think (and I do realise there is a strong element of Pain and Hurt here) that if and when micahmo comes back in a few weeks, he'll wonder what he was making 'such a fuss' about. This is a classic example of how we permit emotions to govern our actions, and how we assign them a 'real' quality. They are self-generated. Truly. Examination, study and research has proven the reality of this to me, I promise you. And just as Micahmo 'chooses' to revel in the sadness, he could just as easily 'choose' to get himself out of it. True? Yes. Simple? Yes. Easy? No. Not by a long shot. Thanks for coming in on this, PB....
prisonbreak Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Yeah, my 'swift kick' was to the curb, that was my reality check. It's just hard to give up hope. I don't disagree at all what you are saying. It's still only been days for a lot of us. Yes, if we are still groveling in a few more weeks/months, then a swift kick is needed. That's why I like this forum, because everyone from across the world has different advice. Sometimes I can hear the same thing over and over from a friend, but then I read something similar here and then it hits me. Or I get to hear it from a guys perspective.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 There was a poster here some time ago who was hanging on to something trivial (and I do mean trivial) a whole year later - and sad to say, she had originally caused the upset. I'm afraid I gave her very short shrift. then i thought - "Hmmm, maybe I was a bit hard on her" but of course, the time given to change a post on here is ridiculously short. (Sorry to criticise, Mod's, but it really is. I don't know of any other forum that gives such a ridiculously short time. And I can't see the reason for it, myself.) so I wnt back in a while later - and blow me down, everyone else who had come in, said pretty much the same I had. And in a couple of cases, just as 'harshly'. So that enabled me to understand that sometimes, a whang across the cheek with a limp lettuce may not be such a misdirected thing after all....! I mean well. I do nothing to deliberately hurt anyone, i wouldn't want to do that. But really guys... Life is too short... And as a friend told me some time ago - letting someone live 'rent-free' in your head, and giving them all your time, energy and space - when they really don't give a fiddler's elbow (especially about the cat!! How insensitive is that - ?) is just being unnecessarily cruel to yourself!
mistie03 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) Oh my goodness.... hang on a minute, you forgot the thorny branches to hit yourself with, and the sticks to poke your eyes out with and the cast-iron skillet to whang yourself over the head with.... I've heard of people being in pain, but to do it on purpose -? To give yourself deliberate pain? To create, and re-create deliberate situations that will cause you personal emotional harm? Are you nuts - !? That's just not healthy! What the heck are you doing? And, more's to the point - why - ?? What possible purpose does it serve? How in goodness-knows-what's name do you for one second think this is going to help you reconstruct your life for the deserving person waiting for you out there? If this is how little value you place upon your own self-worth, self-esteem and personal dignity and self-respect, then how is anyone else going to perceive what you have to offer -? Turn your computer OFF - have a shower, shave (if you normally do) and get yourself dressed. Then go out somewhere - anywhere - and have a meal, go to a club, ring up some friends, get yourself out there and enjoy living! Isn't that the best form of 'Revenge' - !? I love your advice. I actually made me laugh a little. The thorny branches, sticks and cast-iron skillet will hurt, but as least they won't reject you and toss you aside making you feel even worse than you did to begin with. Last night, I did exactly as you suggest. I got myself looking as good as possible and went out for just a drink. I had no one to go with me. It was already 10:00 at night and most of my friends are married and not available for outings at 10 at night. I went to a local restaurant/bar and sat at the bar and ordered a drink. I started having great conversation with a couple sitting next to me. Then, across the room, this very handsome man was looking my way. Awhile later, he was standing next to me and said, "Hello, my name is R and you are very beautiful". Then, he walked away. He has no idea how his nice comment made me feel. It was a great little boost that made me feel so much better. Then later, a guy asked me to join him at his table and have a drink with the group he was with. We had great conversation. It was a worthwhile evening. It sure beats staying at home and feeling like crap. I say, get out there! It's the best thing you can do for yourself! Edited February 10, 2008 by mistie03
Roller EastCoaster Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) Hey micahmo77, I know we seem to have a similar situation. Its tough to the core, I know, but Geisha is right. We do make the choice. And for now its somewhat ok to chill out and to be a bit complacent in our misery/sorrows. I totally feel you on "how could they just up and leave and get with someone else"? As you know something similar happened to me of which the psychology of moving on with someone else I tried to address in the following thread, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t143093/ I do find myself youtube-ing some songs too when Im in a certain mood! I can't deny it theres a sap in me, let's see um... Alicia Keys "No One", STP "Interstate Love Song - Acoustic version", Mos Def "The Beggar". BUT you have to also listen to songs that are upbeat and get your spirit up and moving like- Chaka Demus & Pliers "Murder She Wrote". Whatever your musical taste, we need to listen to such songs that get u up and shakin ya bum. I was alone last night also on Saturday night. But to be honest yes, I think about her all the time of course, but I dont really think about where she is and what she is doing that much. Its been longer for me, been about two months, so its easier, but I have a very fresh recent wound from running into her with another guy. That brought me right back to step one, and I started contacting her and arguing, basically it was regression to the maximum. But now that there's been sometime since that happened I am on day 7 of NC and its tough at times but I can totally see myself stickin out to a month at least. See the thing is you HAVE to have an interest in seeing yourself moving on and having fun. For god sakes thats what we all want in life to be happy and we cant do that if we are complacent. Not that I dont understand that you want another shot... but just like me you are in the same boat. She is hanging out with another one, so for now my advice is let it be. I know its tough that you just took her on a trip and all. Trust me I know... we did ALOT of traveling together which makes leaving someone very very very hard. But for now its time to get the noise out of your head. Just like you I have mail I have mail and some things I need to get from her, but Im gonna wait on those things cuz for right now those things dont even matter. I got to say though man, these girls we were dealing with are extremely selfish. So the question is do you want to be with someone who is like that? I mean I am sure you think she is gorgeous, I think my x is very beautiful, but in terms of the physical attachment we have we must become more aware of it, we must beware, it is very powerful and especially as guys we succumb to its power over us very easily thinkin-"wow she was so sexy, I loved makin love to her", and, "is she really hookin up with another... no way thats mine". I found that in the last few months this aspect (the physical) over took my thoughts and drained me of forward thinking mentality. So if you can start to get these thoughts out of your head slowly first you will start to move forward, I can guarantee it. Next what you have to do is go hang out man, get on the scene, you should not be wondering if she is at the club dancing because you should be at the club dancin. Trust me, I got my a*s out of the house and mingling with women really fast and found it is a much needed element. You almost forget that you can enjoy yourself with others, but little do we realize that we are desired and other women enjoy our company too, not just the x! I swear this is a big part of the healing process, its a big part of the moving on process. Yes at times it can cause you to have a back lash, but right now everything in life can cause us to get flooded with negative emotions/thoughts. In terms of improving ourselves, yup this is it. This is the time. Hey Im guessing you and I are the same age, seeing your username, and the way I see it I have a lot of improvement to undergo with my work, my finances, my physical fitness, my relations with family/friends, my spirituality, and my general over all self and dealing with. there is no time like now to get moving on things and become the better person I can become. Its time for me to take responsibility for myself and to better myself now. As I have read before, this is a period of incubation, its a period of chaos where emotions are swirling and we are at our lowest... what better time to stand up for ourselves? This is my life, this is my life. As the Dalai Lama (dont mean to sound preachy) says we are each the center of the universe. So now I am the center of the universe and right now the universe is crumbling to pieces, a fire is burning, the storms clouds above are brewing, but I will not go running to her when she failed me. I will take this one on full force cuz its gonna make me a better, faster, tougher, stronger, smarter man! Its the ultimate cliche-everything happens for a reason, and in this case at least for me, yes it does. I have found myself to be alot tougher than I thought. I have learned to carry on, why because I have an interest in myself and seeing myself happy be it with or without someone. I know what makes me happy and is it tied to the opposite sex? YES of course, but for now I am damn sure that my happiness will not be tied to someone who has failed me... Im not saying that I hate them or could not forgive them. I am saying that I deserve better, and they sure as hell are not that quality of 'better' that I speak of, at least not now... Edited February 10, 2008 by Roller EastCoaster
Author micahmo77 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Just wanted to thank you guys for the advice and the harsh kick in the ass from GieshaW. Prison, were in the same boat and things are still fresh for us. Hopefully we will be as upbeat as alot of the others on LS in a month or two. Roller EastCoaster, thanks bro for the friendly advice and your kind words. I do get my days where I build up enough confidence to where I feel I can get out and mingle. Then I get to the door and it hits me like a wall again, every thought of her rushes through my brain. I think time is the only thing that will change my emotions at this point. I mean for me its been 12 days now, im assuming thats still pretty recent. I do try and get angry at her just to help me get over it, but for some reason I cant. I just keep refering back to this forum to help keep my strength and continue NC, really helps. Thank you again for your guys input I do appreciate it.
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