lovingyou2 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I am having a really difficult day today. My h wants a divorce, I believe because he is having an EA with a co worker, although he doesn't admit this. I just wish so badly that he would want to work things out, but he has no desire and is completely cold and businesslike around me. We've been married for 7.5 years and a daughter, who just throws that away? Why can't he love me anymore? Why does he get to choose to walk away leaving me with financial responsibilities and a daughter to raise? I just want the pain to go away and for me to stop thinking about him and the co worker together (which I know they are right now). What did I do to deserve this? Sorry if this is nonsensical... just had to get it off my chest. I don't know what to do.
mistie03 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (((((Hugs to you)))))) I know how bad you feel and how much it hurts. I have been through this before. It was hell to get through. I don't think that you ever really get an answer as to why. You just somehow get through it and make a better life. It will happen. My ex had an affair with a woman that he met in a bar while I was pregnant. He had been sleeping with her in our bed while I wasn't at home. She was married and they also did it at her house while her husband was traveling. It sucked so bad. After the baby was born, I divorced him and started a new life. I never looked back. Good luck to you.
Author lovingyou2 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 thanks mistie for responding. what you went through sounds terrible. I am so sorry. it is just so hard. even as I was driving a few minutes ago I kept thinking I wonder what h is doing and who he's with. Does it drive anyone else mad? And it would be one thing if we didn't have a baby and I could just cut all ties, but since we do and he wants to see her all the time, it seems like just when I start to feel like I can do this and I can cope I have to see him again and that just brings all the pain back. Any advice?
Issues & tissues Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 And it would be one thing if we didn't have a baby and I could just cut all ties, but since we do and he wants to see her all the time, it seems like just when I start to feel like I can do this and I can cope I have to see him again and that just brings all the pain back. Any advice? Lovingyou2, My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. I have seen him a few times since and every time just threw me back to square 1 emotionally. My advice would be to have somebody (a friend, a family member, a neighbour, someone you trust...) to greet your husband when he comes to pick up your child so that you don't have to interact with him. Also, I think you should also work out a schedule (which you both mutually agree to) detailing when he picks up/drops off your baby - so that you can plan for someone to be there with you when he comes over. It may not always be like this but for now you should have as little/or no contact with your husband so that you can start healing (this advice is as relevant to me as it is you - you are not alone). You can do this. You are going to find your feet again - just take it one step at a time and before you know it you'll be climbing mountains. (((((BIG HUG))))) M.
Trimmer Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I don't have answers for some of your more agonizing "why" questions, but this one strikes me: Why does he get to choose to walk away leaving me with financial responsibilities and a daughter to raise? Answer: he doesn't, period. He may choose to walk away from the marriage, but he cannot walk away from his responsibility to share in the financial support of his daughter and her home. Sorry if this is nonsensical... just had to get it off my chest. I don't know what to do. This may not directly address your deep emotional anguish, but I suggest that you go to see an attorney for at least a consultation, to begin to understand the legal issues involved in separations, and yes, possibly even a divorce. It doesn't mean that you have to immediately head down that path, but educating yourself will give you some power and a sense of control back, which I'm sure you are lacking right now. And if he is truly abandoning his financial responsibility to his family, an attorney can educate you about options to try to rectify that - temporary orders, etc. And from the emotional perspective, although these steps are legal in nature, like I said, getting back some amount of control and personal power may help you get through these rough times a little better. So, you don't have to make any firm decisions yet, but do educate yourself, equip yourself, empower yourself. it is just so hard. even as I was driving a few minutes ago I kept thinking I wonder what h is doing and who he's with. Does it drive anyone else mad? Yes, it absolutely did. Thankfully I'm long past it now (and know that you will not feel this way forever...) but I remember, with agonizing clarity, just how maddening it was. Ultimately I decided that it was out of my control, and accepted that I needed to look forward and start living for myself, whether she "came back" or not, and that was the beginning of my regaining my focus, my power, my confidence, and my life. Focusing on yourself, taking care of yourself, and trying to steer this painful inner journey to a forward direction is something that is completely within your control, and that will benefit you, regardless of how things ultimately turn out.
micahmo77 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Im sorry your hurting and have to go through that. My girl broke up with me recently and I have been crushed as well. All I can say is keep your head up and send out a prayer to God, things seem to feel better after that.
Nomad1 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Lovingyou2 - I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know I have been going through the same with my STXW for the past 6 months. We have been married 17yrs, 3 kids, a lovely house. She became emotionally attached to a man in jail awaiting deportation back to the middle east. He is about to be freed temporarily on bail, but they are relocating him about 5hrs drive from where we live, which he asked for to be near his girlfriend and baby lol! She was and still is really obssessed with this guy. My STXW is devastated by this. I have applied for the divorce and the house is on the market. She wishes she could turn the clock back, but it is too late. The EA is driven by the excitement of secrecy and anticipation. Once it turns into a PA, it begins to lose its intensity. Don't let your feelings cloud your judgment. I would serve him with divorce papers and ask for what is rightfully yours and your daughter's. Tough love will wake him up. I would start dating as well. When he comes back crawling, you will regain control of the situation. It is just a matter of time. Take care Nomad1
Author lovingyou2 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 thank you everyone for your responses. just to clarify things my h is willing to take some financial responsibility it is just hard knowing that we both decided that I should be a stay at home mom for our daughter and now I will have to go get a job, put daughter in day care to make ends meet ya know? I mean I quit my job less than 6 months ago for crying out loud. One thing I am really struggling with and I feel pathetic for even writing it but I need help with is this... night time is really bad. I find myself thinking and obsessing about him, who he's with, etc until I finally fall asleep, sometimes dream about him and when I wake up he's immediately on my mind. I wasn't getting much sleep so I have resorted to taking tylenol p.m. which has helped some... does anyone else go through this? I feel like I am going crazy.
Author lovingyou2 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) Lovingyou2, My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. I have seen him a few times since and every time just threw me back to square 1 emotionally. My advice would be to have somebody (a friend, a family member, a neighbour, someone you trust...) to greet your husband when he comes to pick up your child so that you don't have to interact with him. Also, I think you should also work out a schedule (which you both mutually agree to) detailing when he picks up/drops off your baby - so that you can plan for someone to be there with you when he comes over. It may not always be like this but for now you should have as little/or no contact with your husband so that you can start healing (this advice is as relevant to me as it is you - you are not alone). You can do this. You are going to find your feet again - just take it one step at a time and before you know it you'll be climbing mountains. (((((BIG HUG))))) M. I think that is really good advice and will try and do that. I made him pick her up from my moms house once which he didn't like, but to bad I guess. Sometimes it is just to difficult. Oh and what would you do? I understand that he has a right to see his daughter. Do I have a right to say that I don't want my daughter to be around the OW? Or will it just cause to many fights and not be worth it? And why when I am feeling so angry/frustrated/betrayed do I still want to text him and see how he's doing. Beg him to come home, tell him I will change, etc etc etc. I know I shouldn't do this, but it is very hard not to. Edited February 10, 2008 by lovingyou2
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