OfTheGood Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hello FRIENDS! This is my first post to this board, so please try to hang with me. And please, by all means-give me your thoughts and feedback. I am here, writing today gauge just how nuts or out of it I truly am. I know that this is going to be a long post-however I wish to be a detailed as possible. Here goes…My girlfriend and I had broken up bout 3 ½ months ago, and I really miss her. I would really, really love to have her back, however I am not sure how to go about doing this. I’ll start with some background-just to help you all out. The ex and I had dated for a little more than 2.5 years, her being about 2 years older than I. Right now, I’m 33 and she’s 35. Neither of us has been married, or has any kids. This was a girl that I just went up to her and asked her to meet me for some coffee. From the moment we met, it was a fun and interesting relationship. As fun as it was, and as much as I loved her, things got rocky at times with the occasional argument about whatever stupid thing. Now this girl is just the definitive of awesome. Beautiful, intelligent, caring, honest, has an awesome family, giving, great in bed and she has a great big heart. I couldn’t believe I landed this girl. All my friends loved her, and my parents thought that she was the “last stop on the train” Days, weeks, and months went by-everything was fine. Again, from time to time we would get into arguments-but nothing serious. It would all blow over in a day. Then I had financial problems. I am not going to go into great detail, but I started experiencing financial problems due to a few factors involving the real estate market. The bills began to pile up, and I noticed I was becoming a different person. I wouldn’t tell anyone about my problems because honestly I was embarrassed, and didn’t want to burden people who were having more trouble financially that were making LESS than I was. She tried to talk to me about it- and I would say I wasn’t ready to talk about it, that I needed space. She would tell me she wasn’t happy with our sex life, and I just told her to be patient-that I wasn’t feeling well, or that I had no energy. She would buy me gifts to make me feel better-but they just wouldn’t change my mood (some of them were hand made cards and dioramas). When she stayed over, she would write notes about how things were going to be OK and put them in my lunch. I would read them when I got to work and get really, really sad. I felt like things were spiraling out of my control. I realized that I ignored her needs and feelings on more than one occasion. I could have used her to help me emotionally-if I would have let her in. Funny thing is- I DID see this coming. I KNEW that if I couldn’t pull my butt out of this funk-I had no chance long term. However I didn’t realize that I was so seriously damaging the relationship by appearing to her the way I did. We would have our talks, but nothing would change. I still couldn’t help to feel the desperation that was sinking in, and I just for the life of me-couldn’t block it out. I noticed that things were starting to change between us. Where she used to wake me up every morning with a “GOOD MORNING!”, now I would have to call her. She used to call EVERY night before bed and would wish me good night-but now sometimes she was not calling all together. Things came to a head at a benefit for my father. We were seated at the same table, and didn’t talk to each other all that much. We danced for one song, and it felt like I was dancing with a mannequin. The majority of the time, I left her to talk to my cousin and sister in law while I spoke with my other cousins and dad’s friends. After the night was over, she didn’t spend the night-and I didn’t ask. I wanted the time alone. It was a very, very bad night-and the cracks were definitely beginning to show. This is the way it went down: I had just got home from work, and had been thinking the past few days about speaking with her in regards to the way we had been interacting with one another (about the changes in her behavior). She called and asked if she could come over. When she showed up at my door and didn’t give me a hug or a kiss- I immediately knew that something was up. I was in the middle of eating dinner, and she wasn’t saying much so I asked her what was on her mind. She told me that she’d wait until I was finished eating. Immediately, I went to the kitchen and put the rest of my dinner down. She starts out by asking if I was happy. Never the one to hold anything back, I tell her that no, I was not. I asked her if she was, and she said she was not. She then asked me if I wanted to break up and said yes. And then when I asked her, she said she wanted to, also. Now I can’t remember every detail of this conversation but I remember that it was very emotional, (crying but no screaming or fighting) and that she said “this relationship wasn’t going anywhere”. With all that had happened in the past 10 minutes, and that statement-I was really stunned. After about another 30 minutes of crying, a big hug and a kiss, she left... The next morning, I went to get my bike ready to go riding and I got a call from her. I was literally out the door when the phone rang, she asked what was up, etc, and I told her that I was going to ride my bike to clear my head. She asked if we could meet and I told her I was on the way out, and we could do it “some other time”. She said that she was almost at the place I was going to-which is located on the way to my house-meaning she was on the way to my house. We met and the conversation was mildly tense. No arguments or anything, but I did ask her why she wanted to meet-hoping to elicit some sort of a reaction. She shrugged her shoulders coyly. I don’t remember what else was said, but it was a 20 or so minute meeting and I remember saying “I hope we don’t regret this decision”. From then, I started to get myself together. I had heard of NC and figured it was my best option-at least to get my head together. However, I didn’t know how it worked. She would still call, 2 times a day-a few times on the weekends, etc. Hell, we even got together for coffee twice. When we were finished having coffee the first time we met, I asked her if what she thought about going slow and dating again, and she nodded yes (not the best communicator), and gave me a big hug. We had spoken regularly-about 4 times a week, but the next time we got together for coffee (about 2 weeks later), I called and asked. This time it seemed a bit more work to get her to come out but she did. After some casual talk, I told her that I missed her (and I got the same weird acknowledgement-this little “sound” (almost like a sad, tired laugh) and then she told me her mother was starting to have health problems. She didn’t know what was going on with her, but she was definitely worried, and got teary. What do I do next? I told her that I can’t speak with her right now-that I need my space and time to clear my head (NC). She’s even more of a wreck now, and I felt like a heartless ass about it then…and I still do. Weeks pass by…thanksgiving comes and goes. We casually talk some more times (but not everyday and I didn’t call her). Come mid December, my birthday comes and there was a 4-5 day stretch in which I didn’t hear from her. Now I don’t know about you, but birthdays are really important to me. I believe this is finally what made it sink in for me. Back when our relationship was flying high, my birthday was always a production. She would make a cake, something cool that she made me by hand, and get me an awesome present that I’ve blabbered about to her. She hit home runs every time. She even brought streamers and party hats….just for the two of us. On my birthday, I totally broke down and called her. I lost it there; I just had to hear her voice. Anyway, I tried to get her to meet me for coffee and now she couldn’t. She said that it was really late notice and that she had a work obligation. A week went by, and we spoke maybe 2 times-her calling me both times. I would tell her at the end of the conversations, “I miss you” but wouldn’t get anything back but that awkward noise/laugh. Kind of like she acknowledged she heard it, but didn’t return any dialogue. At this time, Christmas is steadily approaching and the holidays were getting to me-you know, and seeing all those couples in the malls, etc. it was a drag and it affected me. I got some pleasant news about then at a much needed time…my house sold (after being on the market for 15 months)! This was a MAJOR event as it marked my freedom from debt. With one stroke of the pen, I had paid off $28,000 of debt. I met up with my brother and he asked how my progress was with her and I. I gave him the same story I’m giving you now, and he told me that I should lay it all on the line, and try one last time…just to get everything out there in the open. (Remember, I didn’t have the book then). He amped me up, and told me to call her and tell her how I honestly felt. He told me I should do it that night. I told him that there was NO WAY she would meet me as things had definitely gotten colder between the two of us, and I hadn’t heard from her in about 3-4 days. I called her to tell her I needed to get something off my chest. To my surprise, she answered and even though she sounded surprised by my request, she met me that same night. After some joking around (and noticing she was still wearing the earrings I gave her for our 2 year anniversary, I brought up what I wanted to talk to her about. I told her how I was sorry for all the crap I did in the relationship (that I remembered I did that she got upset at). Then-I hit her with both barrels. I told her that I was tired of not feeling comfortable with telling her I loved her, how I wanted to sleep next to her again, how I missed her laugh, how her hand felt in mine, and that I wanted a commitment with her. (Something I’ve thought but never said to her before) After all I said, she was emotional and said she didn’t know what to say about all that and how it was a lot to digest. Then, as if almost on cue-she went into how the doctor’s found cancer in her mom and that it was a pretty advanced cancer-a stage 4 melanoma. She went on about the survival rates, and was crying and now a total mess. What the hell can you do or say about something like that? I just hugged her for a good while talked a bit about that and then we both left. Christmas came and she called bright and early @ 8 or so-as she was on her way to her parents. And to be honest, this made me feel really good; this is how she used to act. For her present, I got her a hoodie that I thought she’d like nothing too expensive or grandiose. I got a thank you when she called on Christmas but nothing else, not even a card. I go on with my day-as it was really busy-and he parents called me-her mom told me she missed me and that she didn’t know what happened. Her mom said that she asked my ex what had happened, and she told her that “we still talk”. Her mom said her and her husband loved me and wished me a Merry Christmas. New Years Eve comes and I speak to her a few times in those days, however I am not with her on new years-I’m with some friends at a stupid nightclub to which I left at about 1 am because I was on the fringe of depressed, and I sent her a “Happy 2008” text. I get home and by the time I’m in bed, its 2:45 AM. I call her (like a moron) and get voicemail. I left her a happy new years message….then I pass out. When I wake up, I check my phone. I’ve got a returned missed call from her…at 4 am. Next day, I’m in the shower and I miss her call again. I call her back and get voicemail. Some days go past, and we share some emails-some about her mom, some casual. There is a playoff game in our town, and since she works for an NFL team-and she got some extra tickets to it-I called her and told her that I was interested-she said that she’s got 4 tickets and that her parents have 2 and I can have the other 2. Thinking this is a great opportunity to get a foot in the door, I ask her to meet-however I’m met with “I’ve got this and that to do for work”. She kept saying how busy it was at work because of the playoffs, etc. After trying to meet those times, she ended up leaving the tickets in her mailbox. No note, nothing cool of funny-like she used to. Actually I just realized that fact as I was writing that. I knocked on the door and spoke with her roommate who was very hospitable and allowed me to come in and write a check. We wound up speaking, for about 10 minutes, but not about anything important. However, she was really nice-she gave me a hug, told me she missed me and said bye. It was weird being there at the game. I kept trying to find her on the field, and when I saw her, my heart was beating so fast –it almost leapt out of my chest. I sent her a txt for her to wave to me, but it wasn’t returned. Before the game, she called to make sure I knew where the tickets were, and we spoke a few times. We even exchanged 5 or so casual texts when I was tailgating. After the game, she sent me a text saying she hoped I had fun, all things considered. Fast forward a week. I think we speak one time. The last time we speak is on Jan 12 for about 30 minutes. With the exception of a few minutes at the start of the call B.S.’ng, this call is about her mom…”I’m just calling to give the official word on my mom”. Apparently the stage 4 melanoma is the real diagnosis, and they’re going to have her go to a specialist in Texas or in Florida. She goes on saying how there is a 6% chance she’ll survive out of 5 years. On top of that, she mentions going to a funeral for her aunt-sitting between her mom and dad, and thinking about how it could be her mom next. I don’t really know how to comfort her, but I try saying things like “this isn’t a death sentence” and “not everyone reacts to the treatment the same way”. I do the best I can, with the no experience I’ve got dealing with this sort of thing. I tell her that if she needs me, I’ll be there for her, and I offer to cut the grass at her parent’s place while her dad worry’s about her mom, etc. I told her that I’d support her if she needed it, while she gave herself to her family. That was the last time we spoke. The days and subsequent weeks have followed and I was going strong with NC, and I found myself out at party with some of my friends. At the end of the night I would up speaking with one of my friends about the ex situation and how I had missed her. He told me that he had something to tell me, but he wasn’t sure if he should tell me. Now you all know that when someone tells you that, you HAVE to find out what they mean. He told me that this co-worker of his told him that he saw my ex at the funeral I mentioned before. Allow me to give you some background on this guy. This guy is a friend of my ex’s family and has been for years and years. He used to rib me all the time about who she was dating before I met her-for some reason. Now, he told my friend that he saw her at the funeral and they caught up some. The co worker asked if my friend had seen my ex. He said no. The co worker asked if I was still together with my ex, and my friend said he “wasn’t sure”-though he fully knew the status of my ex and I. The co worker then began to tell my friend that she had a new boyfriend, and not to tell me, that’d she’d be pissed. Well. Here is where my heart. Absolutely. Shattered. As you can imagine, I was upset. My friend said that the co worker sounded serious-not like his usual self when he rags me. I realized that this could be a possibility (her dating someone else) but I never thought the reality-that reality would come. I thought of all the good times, and everything I did to make her happy. I thought of how she told me she loved me first, and how she made every birthday and Christmas special. All the memories of the picnics we went on, the times we went canoeing, weddings, the coffee conversations, , and dinners we had with each other and our families came flooding back. For the first time, I was emotionally bitch slapped, and I tasted blood. To my credit-and this is before I got the book-I did NOT call her-save for one time a week ago-I left a voicemail which wasn’t returned. I did NOT go by her place, or call her work-nor call her family. I have NOT emailed since. The passing days have brought grief and frustration; I searched the online community for some support. I was and am still reeling, and I was looking for someone-anyone out there I could talk to have some support. That’s when I came upon Mark’s book. Now at first, I was skeptical. A guide to getting my ex back authored from someone who’s not a professional? I was extremely paranoid, and nervous-especially when I saw another guide by another “Guru” that one of my friends had a few years back. However, I took the plunge. Upon reading the book the first time, I knew I was wrong, and pleasantly so. I read it all the way through before putting it down. I didn’t even get up from the chair I was in. It was fantastic. I learned that she still wants to come back; I just have to make it easy for her. And I need to have a strategy, yes a strategy. I finally learned what the fuss with NC was all about. And I figure that this is the best way to do things from here on out. Do I think she is dating someone else-I’m not sure, and I’d like to keep it that way. Do I understand it with all the things going on in her life? NO. Am I undeterred? YES. Frankly, I do not care if she is dating someone else-she’s not with me, and that is what matters to me. I would love to be there for her support; however I understand how important it is for me not to be there to offer that. What I ask of you, those brave souls who have read my lengthy story is, am I doing this right? What are your thoughts on this situation? What would you all do if you were me? Knowing what I do now, I would’ve done things differently –however the past is what it is and I cannot change it. I am working on myself financially, hitting the gym, reconnecting with some old friends, and trying to let her go in my mind. However, after all this time-she is the one I truly want, for the rest of my life. If I had the chance to make things right, and keep them that way I would. If I could introduce you all to her, you’d be smitten. She truly is an awesome thing that happened to a guy like me. I miss her. You have my sincere appreciation for taking the time to read and to respond to this post. Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you.
Lucky555 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I feel really bad for her! This is what i am so afraid of happening to me which has prevented me from contacting a guy that i feel strongly about. He had done the exact things that u have done. HE shut me out after all the times i had been there for him. I felt betrayed and so sad but i had to move on. I found someone else but still thought of him. He then decided to pursue me 8 months later and i am in the process of trying to see if this is what he really wants or is he going to shut me out again so the ball is in his court. She has every right to date someone else to find someone who does not do this. I am sorry for your financial stress but it was not a reason to cut her out. She must have went through a lot emotionally. I would have been devastated myself but she stuck by you and i see why you want her back. You need to call her and tell her that you still have feelings for her and at the time you knew you shut her out and hurt her so bad. you were so selfish at the time and PROMISE it wont happen ever again. Tell her if she would like to meet up sometime to give you a call or if your talking to her tell her that you would like this. This gives her the "OPTION" to do as she feels she needs to do. "you have to own up to the mistake you made and tell her these things so she sees you realized what you did and she will give this more of a thought" If she was in love with you chances are she still is but has to move on to get a grasp on her life. If she waited around pining for you and you may have never woke up then she would miss out on life itself. She told you everything that was wrong and you still shut her out, in a relationship its "we" so i hope you get her back. this will work out for the best though and give her time and space in the beginning she needs to learn to trust in what you say again. I have a feeling if she is still telling you about her family and her life that she still wants you to be apart of her life. Also, you have done good in trying to comfort her. I am sure if the connection was great enough she will be back and i know its hard to find good connections with people there are very few where you can say wow they are wonderful and i love everything about them sort of way. GOOD LUCK
prisonbreak Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 1st of all, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are going thru. As we all know here on LS, this is a very difficult time. I don't have the answers for you, but as I was reading your story I was thinking something. So, maybe this is something you can think about for yourself. I noticed you were Ok with the break up in the begining, when you wanted it. Maybe Ok isn't the right word, but you were sticking with your decision, even tho it was hard a hard one. It seems that you started reeling once you found out she wasn't just waiting around for you and could possibly seeing someone. So, I guess you need to figure out if you really want her back because she is the one or if it becaue the dynamics have changed. If she was still calling you and being there for you, would you be pushing her away still? Don't confuse wanting her because you can't have her, with wanting her. It sounds like you have already told her how you are feeling now, so I don't think you need to do it again. I'd give her space and let her realize on her own, like you did. When she does call you, just explain all the things you've been doing to improve yourself, so that you can be the best man for her. like reading those books, it's ok to tell her that you're doing it for yourself, but also doing these things for the 2 of you. Be patient. This will work it self out. I wish you the best.
HoustonScrewed Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Then I had financial problems. I am not going to go into great detail, but I started experiencing financial problems due to a few factors involving the real estate market. The bills began to pile up, and I noticed I was becoming a different person. I wouldn’t tell anyone about my problems because honestly I was embarrassed, and didn’t want to burden people who were having more trouble financially that were making LESS than I was. I have read more than once that this is usually the root cause of most breakups. You have to work through this type of situation if you are ever going to have a successful marriage. It is hard, no make that VERY hard to do, I have done it. If you can make it through it the rest of your relationship is much easier. You can't go into a hole and not tell anyone you need to ask for help and not be embarrassed, also don't be embarrassed to work for little money if you need it, take legal actions etc. The richest people and the poorest people all go through times such as this!
sedgwick Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Oh god, TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER! I mean, make a production of it. Like, show up at her doorstep on one knee with flowers. That's what it will take. However, you did push her away, and go NC, and I'm sure she felt like you didn't really love her. I was the one who was always doing romantic things for my ex, and he almost never reciprocated, and it made me feel like sh*t. If he ever did anything at all to show me he even thought of me still, I'd be over the moon.
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