blackdood Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) Sorry for the ultra long post but i need some direction Well I love my girlfriend and we have been going out for a while now its going to be a year in a few weeks. We started going out since i was in High school and I am in college now. Also she is indian and i am african american so there has alway been pressure in our relationship because her parents dont really care for me. Anyways around the second month we were going out me and my gf had sex for the first time and we were both virgins and everything. It was at my friends house steve's house. So we had sex a few more times during the month until around june one day we had sex without a condom for the first time. She started freaking out after and wanted morning after pill so we the next day i took her to the clinic. While we were in line she was like i want an STD test so i was very embarrassed and reminded her that we were each others only partners, but she signed up for them anyways and we went back to my car. While we were sitting and reading the directions she said I did stuff with steve(who was my friend) and i was confused i said what stuff and she was like i almost had sex with him. She described how he was pressuring her etc etc and that she caved because she was curious about another guy. I was devastated I was so close to killing my friend but i managed to hold of she said things like he pretty much came close to raping her. I confronted him and he said it was consensual but that they didn't have sex or and that what happend was he went down on her fingered her and then tried to put his dick in her mouth. She pulled back and that was all they would tell me..... Summer came along I had forgiven her but i still had doubts in my mind. She had left over the summer for a cruise with her family. I was curious so i called her best friend and told her about my fears. Her friend said that she thought they pretty much told me the whole story. She said that the only thing that worried her was the part where steve got on top of her and put his penis in her. I was shocked and immediately called up steve he said that i never asked about it that he thought that i knew his dick was in. He said that he wasnt hard that he was on top that they didnt have sex. I also found out that my girlfriend would say things about the way that i dressed to her friend and how she wanted to break up with me in the beginning of our relationship. Maybe am Naive and too trusting because i decided that even though all of my friends told me to leave her or to go cheat on her, i made a decision to work it out. She came back from her cruise and the first five minutes of us talking she decided to tell me how she had been kissed by a frenchman who had been talking to her. She said she kissed because she thought that when she came she would break up with me but that she couldnt do it. I was angry but once again i forgave her. Now its almost been a year later i still feel the pain. What can i do? She says she loves me but she hurt me before and said she loved me? She said she was just a victim the first time and that now she does love me. I admit it has been great between us but every time she tells me about some guy who said something to her i cant stop but wonder if its all happening all over again. I told her i want to take a break right now, but she is worried am going to go sleep with other girls and forget about her. Thanks again for reading my novel sorry about it it Edited February 9, 2008 by blackdood
Replicant Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I admit it has been great between us but every time she tells me about some guy who said something to her i cant stop but wonder if its all happening all over again. I told her i want to take a break right now, but she is worried am going to go sleep with other girls and forget about her. Thanks again for reading my novel sorry about it it I can tell you are at wits end listening to her trollop stories and rightfully so, you surely know this is disrespectful to you her doing this according to her track record so far for flaking and making out with all these other dudes. She's young by the sound of it, but that's never a good reason for anyone to hear surely but i can only credit it to her for not knowing what the hell she wants and is probably an emotional mess at some level. I think you need to decide what's best for you, don't stick with such crap out of desperation or devotion. It's only going to bite you in the a$$. Find a girl who respects you and the relationship.
Author blackdood Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 I'm just confused because i know that when guys try to talk to her she shuts them down, she doesn't talk to guys.. You are right the though in the start of our relationship she was confused b.c we weren't allowed to date because i was black...She said that she finally realized that she wanted to be with me. Like i said things are good but i just can't get over what she did in the past...
SeraBella Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I'm just confused because i know that when guys try to talk to her she shuts them down, she doesn't talk to guys.. She may not talk to them, but she seems to kiss them, and allow them to do other things. I hope you're not friends with Steve anymore, because he shows absolutely no respect for you as a friend. When did they do things together? The night you were there? Before you were a couple? While you were a couple? And, although the relationship seems great despite these events, these occurrences show a major lack of respect for you. The comment about her kissing a frenchman because she thought she was going to breakup with you...but then she couldn't. Well, what if she had sex with him for that reason, and then she decided she couldn't break up with you. Would you accept that and still stay with her? She doesn't seem to respect your feelings much. She doesn't want to take a break because she's afraid you'll sleep with other girls? Whatever. She has no say if you want to do that during your break. She kisses and engages in sexual acts with YOUR FRIENDS while YOU'RE TOGETHER. She played the victim when she cheated on you, with your friend...she wanted sympathy and was refusing to accept her own blame in the situation. Also with kissing the frenchman, her excuse was STILL with her not wanting to accept blame. She lied by ommission with Steve. She didn't tell you about everything they did. How can you be sure it was just kissing with the frenchman? Leave her, for good. You deserve better!
Author blackdood Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 thanks for advice I havent been friends with steve since he told me he has called me and apologized and i accepted it but i do not talk to him. Your right about the frenchguy because i thought about it constantly did she tell me everything etc etc. She continually reassures me that they did nothing and she tells me not to dwell on the past because its over with.. I was going to take a break but she talked to me and asked me not to for over two hours so i just decided not to. I love her and i want to forgive her but its just like a tumor and wont go away...So my question "Is it possible to forget?" Will i ever be able to forget what can i do to forget? Alot of my guy friends suggested that i cheat on her to get her to see how i feel but thats not the type of person i am.... Although sometimes when i get too consumed with my emotions by thinking about it..I do think that would be a fitting revenge but i realize that i could never do that to her. (Also i told my gf about the advice^ up there and she thinks that i painted her completely bad way)
SeraBella Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Cheating on her won't solve anything. It's clear your friends are giving immature advice. It will make you feel worse, I can promise you that. As far as forgetting it, I doubt it, but if you truly are forgiving, perhaps you can get past it. I don't think you painted her as a bad person. She just shows lack of respect for a relationship and immature behavior. And she's young, so in some ways that behavior is expected. But, if you want to test the waters and see what else is out there, which it seems like she was doing, you end the relationship you're in. You don't just cheat on someone. Has she grown past this? Will she do it again? Are you just staying with her because you fear you won't find love again? You're both young, and have a lot of things to experience in life. In my opinion (this may sound harsh, and I'm sorry, but I'm being honest), she's keeping you around because you treat her well, but I don't think she's done with this behavior. She knows you aren't going to leave her, so the consequences she faces from her actions are minimal, at best. People push the limits and get away with whatever they can.
Author blackdood Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) I feel like she has grown past it i just dont know if she will do it again. In regards to her staying because i treat her well. She had never had one boyfriend prior to me..She never kissed anyone because she wanted to save it for someone special. She ended up letting me be her first kiss. I dont know how you knew i treat her well but yes i treat her like some girls wish they were treated I am a romantic..Sometimes i surprise her with flowers or a novel about love:love:(for valentines day i got her a perfume set with other girly stuff and this book called the history of love and a little teddy bear) I do treat her well. I mean I know that guys try to hit on her but she tells them she has a boyfriend. I'm staying with her because for starters i enjoy talking to her we talk for hours at a time...Because her parents don't really let her date or anything so I havent seen her much recently especially since i crashed my car. Honestly yes i love having sex with her but i also love talking to her..It makes me happy to get her laughing but i just feel like..If i gave her everything before..why would she hurt me. Also when ever i bring up her cheating she says that am torturing the relationship Your last paragraph is god yes it kills me i think about it 24/7 is she going to leave...me is she going to hurt me again? I'm i wasting my time by doing so much for her? on a side note i made it very clear that if she even strays again that I am leaving. Also no am not staying with her because I'm afraid of not loving ive had a few girls tell me that they were interested but i turned them down... Edited February 11, 2008 by blackdood
Author blackdood Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 I also just told her that i think we need to take a break and her reply "you never did anything wrong. THis rite now is nothing but my fault..I am ashamed and I am embarrassed. Its you who needs and deserves time to think and to choose what will come of our relationship . You wanted a break and i stubbornly dragged you back into this "relationship" I am sry for that and the 5 trillion things i can name off my palm. THIS WAS MY FAULT. I take the blame for everything..However i must admit I will always love you bye" She told me take as much time as i need to get over things..but its like i dont know how to go about it..i dont think i want to date other people..I'm just confused now that i actually got to the break part..
4givrnt4gtr Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 THis is the perfect time for you to assess not only your relationship with her but also what is it that you want in your life in the long run. I know you're young, but i hope you have some sort of goals for your future. If you do, check how and if your girl fits in them. I think you need to start valuing yourself a bit more. CHeating is enough to send me running for the hills. Cheating with my good friend....ya, no i dont think so. You deserve much much much better than that. It might seem like your losing a lot since she is likely ur first love, BUT believe me that there are other amazing women out there who would NEVER cheat on you like that, will appreciate you and really love you. Dont settle for less.
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