Lostascanbe Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hey how's it going? Well I registered here to try to get advice about my situation from sources outside my typical circle. Sorry if this post is a bit long I hope some will take the time to read it and help me out some. I am 24 yrs old and have been married close to four years. I married my wife after I had just returned from Iraq, I didn't know her but 2 months. She also has a 12 yr daughter. In the beginning my anger and emptiness from the war created many issues and I acted very violently towards her as she did with me. Her upbringing was a very rebellious one, hanging around probably the wrong crowds and from my perspective one with little if no structure. She is a very closed off, angry women from her past, which she has admitted still affects who and how she acts. All of these ugly moments led me to move back home for about 6 months. This time was aimed at each of us evaluating ourselves and attempting to grow from the past. I ended up returning to her being able to control my anger better. Yet my problem with her, which is communication or lack there of was still there. Her ability to control her anger and communicate as gotten better, but in all honesty not enough where it still does not create issues quite a bit. I'm trying to find patience with this, but 2 years have gone by. My doubts over this relationship are growing rapidly. I also want to add that she is an exotic dancer and has been from the start. The other day she left her email open, the heading on some of the emails seemed more on the romantic side. So I checked some of them out. It looks like she was emailing a customer, (according to her only for the purpose of making sure he would come back) but she took it to the extent of writing I miss you and I love you. I had already discussed with her how I would appreciate it if she would keep work at work, a situation similar to this, but not to this extent has occurred before. Which is why its pisses me off so bad. I do love this women, but at the same time I feel like it's a bunch of bull**** for someone my age to be dealing with. I forgot to add that she is 32 yrs old.
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 If you two really love eachother and want the marriage to work, both of you have to talk and decide if it's worth saving. Go to marriage counselling and also both of you could use some individual counselling to deal with anger issues and issues from the past.. She needs to end that friendship with the other guy because he will be taking her focus away from you and fixing the marriage. Aside from what you've said (negative stuff), are there any real positives in your marriage? Have you romanced your wife recently? Brought her flowers, made her feel special and loved? Has she paid attention to your needs, made you feel loved as well?
Gunny376 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 You ~ yourself are probally? At the very young age of 24 ~ having to deal with a host of pyschological issues? Post traumatic stress syndrone, hyper-attentivness, and having been "institutionalized" from your experiences in the military. If your still in the military? You need to seek the help that is availiable. If not? Then you should seek help through the VA ~ although its been my expereince? That the three greatest lies ever told were, "I love you!" ~ "The checks in the mail!" and "Hi! We're from the government ~ we're here to help!" If you can tote the note? I would recommend your getting yourself a private individual counselour. You're probally finding yourself needing a lot of "fire gazing" time? That comes in many forms for men? But, its something that your probally in need of? That means you need some time alone on the "forty- with just you and the old faithful dog. (Suggested reading? Feb 2006 edition of "National Geographic Magazine" "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" and "When Mars and Venus Collide" John Gray PhD) What you need to do? Is dis-engage from this relationship until you can get you, yourself, and your head together ~ you've done a lot living in a short 24 years! IMHO? This is just a rolling ~ rambling "train-wreck" of a marriage looking for a place to de-rail!
Author Lostascanbe Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 That's one of the issues between us. Our communication styles are very different. I like having things transparent and she has a very difficult time expressing herself. It's almost like she can't put her thoughts into words. So if she is upset, instead of expressing it in a gentle manner it's always very aggressive. As far as the anger goes I have made the decision to let go and move on with my life in a brighter direction. For her it seems like she is trying but it never seems to be a consistent effort. As far as showing materialistic love, we are to tight on money to go big. But I try to get little things here and there. Probably could be more often in all honesty and from her towards me at times but not often.
Author Lostascanbe Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Hey Gunny, well thanks for your advice. I did try to get some help afterwards from the VA, but it didn't seem to help. In all honesty I don't think I liked the approach from the councilor. I worked through it on my own though, its been a daily struggle but I refuse to allow anger or pain to guide my life. I do feel that the best thing for me is to dis engage and give myself time to focus on my life without so much clutter. It's just always easier said than done. The decision is a tough one.
Gunny376 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Hey Gunny, well thanks for your advice. I did try to get some help afterwards from the VA, but it didn't seem to help. In all honesty I don't think I liked the approach from the councilor. I worked through it on my own though, its been a daily struggle but I refuse to allow anger or pain to guide my life. I do feel that the best thing for me is to dis engage and give myself time to focus on my life without so much clutter. It's just always easier said than done. The decision is a tough one. Yea! I think the VA sucks as well ~ all the way down the line? They're pretty much a bunch of "could-care-less-I'm getting my government check for doing nothing" beaucratic @sshats. I actually think that the purpose of the VA is to find reasons to disqualify you from benefits. I went to the VA about a ruptured eardrum (had multipile surgeries) from the concussion from a gernade (walked around for three weeks and all I could hear was this ringing ~ tenunitis) and all they wanted to give me was a hearing aide? Hello! I no longer have an eardrum! I've got a ninety percent hearing loss in my left ear along with other "fun" aliments that come from doing my "twenty" in the Corps. Enough of me? You might want to try checking out some Veterans groups ~ They've got some programs going, and there are other resources as well. Concisouness and awarness of post traumatic shock sydrone, hyper-awarness, hyper-attentivness is greater now than it was "back in tha' day" Use to be if you couldn't "hack-it" and even so much said a peep about having problems sleeping, functioning you were automatic "Section-eight" material, and they would just so-call "evaluate you" discharge you and put you out on the streets. If you became homeless, a drunk or a drug addict ~ it was due to your own personal weaknesses? Not the government fault they shipped your happy @ss off to go to foriegn lands to kill people ~ and to have some Joker trying hard daily to take your head off! Having witnessed things that no-one should witness ~ and that's to graphic for even here! The problem with your approach ~ albiet a common one? Is that you'll be going down the road years from now? The Sun shinning, the Bluebirds singing, all is right with the World and going your way? Then all of a sudden? BAM! You'll find yourself in a liqour store telling the clerk, "Hell just give to half gallons of anything you got! I don't care! What you've been through, what you've experienced, what you've seen, what you witnessed, what you lived through is a part of you now! And will be forever more for the rest of your life! Its changed you and who you are fundamentally. Its changed your brain chemistry ~and you forever more will never be the same! Its changed your reality ~ forever! Its changed your perspective ~ forever! There's no going back and un-doing the change! There is such a thing as learning a new skillset in learning to deal with and cope with your past! For a very long time ~ I walked through life hating Life itself, everything and everyone in it! I was one PO individual! Its taken me decades to re-learn the alphabet ~ such things as PTSD, HV, HA ~ Being a carrer Marine? One of the big shockers was getting back out here in Civilian la~la land!!!!!! Man! I just didn't know! I went into the Corps ~ retired when I was 38, went back to College on the old GI Bill ~ yada, yada! Net end results? Well just listen to Bruce Springstein's "Born In The USA" and Charlie Daniels "Still In Saigon" The crap that you went through getting ready to go to Iraq, and the crap that you went through while there, combine with crap that you're going through now that your out? (I assume that your out of the military) ~ yea! I'd be seriously PO'd Serioiusly! You've got to work damn hard at getting your life back to "normal" (Whatever the Hell that is) And your going to need to find someone, that from time to time? Understands that you need some "fire-gazing" time with "Old Yeller" on the back "forty" Just poking a stick in a fire! Keep posting! Vets know Vets!
Gunny376 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) Seriously? Get yourself a dog! A lab or a dauschund. Man! You don't know how much "love" they've got to offer you! Very theraputic! For you? I would go with a lab! They're very attentive to your moods, and mental state! And I'm being very serious! Edited February 11, 2008 by Gunny376
Recommended Posts