LIVEWIRE Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi all. Been reading over the threads here, and I notice a common thing in MANY many threads....something that is being said to a lot of OPs. It's not always worded the same but basically it's along these lines: "You continuing to be in the A is HELPING the MM/MW remain in their marriage" "You are enabling them to stay married". I kind of understand but do you all really believe this? Isn't that kind of an irony to an affair? How exactly does one being in an A HELP a M? What do you all think? Thanks.
PandorasBox Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi all. Been reading over the threads here, and I notice a common thing in MANY many threads....something that is being said to a lot of OPs. It's not always worded the same but basically it's along these lines: "You continuing to be in the A is HELPING the MM/MW remain in their marriage" "You are enabling them to stay married". I kind of understand but do you all really believe this? Isn't that kind of an irony to an affair? How exactly does one being in an A HELP a M? What do you all think? Thanks. It didn't help mine. When I found out my ex H was running around, he got sent to the curb. Best decison I ever made.
herenow Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi all. Been reading over the threads here, and I notice a common thing in MANY many threads....something that is being said to a lot of OPs. It's not always worded the same but basically it's along these lines: "You continuing to be in the A is HELPING the MM/MW remain in their marriage" "You are enabling them to stay married". I kind of understand but do you all really believe this? Isn't that kind of an irony to an affair? How exactly does one being in an A HELP a M? What do you all think? Thanks. IMO, that is a justification used to excuse the fact that the MM hasn't left the marriage. I guaranteed that most BW here or elsewhere would disagree with this idea.
JackJack Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 No one benefits from an affair. And those who think otherwise, well...just read my signature.
Tomcat33 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi all. Been reading over the threads here, and I notice a common thing in MANY many threads....something that is being said to a lot of OPs. It's not always worded the same but basically it's along these lines: "You continuing to be in the A is HELPING the MM/MW remain in their marriage" "You are enabling them to stay married". I kind of understand but do you all really believe this? Isn't that kind of an irony to an affair? How exactly does one being in an A HELP a M? What do you all think? Thanks. I think what they mean by this and the disctinction should be made that it helps "the cheater" not the marriage itself meaning not the BS but it helps the marriage from the cheater's prespective. Afteral cheating is selfish act no mater what angle you look at it from. In an affair the cheater gets to fulfill the needs that they are not getting from the marriage so to sustain and affair on the side gives them a complete package of what they need to be happy in an relationship. Think of it this way, think of any aspect of your life for example your work let's say you liked everythying but one aspect of your work and you found another job on the side that fulfills this aspect you are missing in your first job, even though carrying two jobs is exhausting the pay off is that you get to have 100% of your work needs met by having these two jobs...eventually what you find is that putting in all this time into two jobs is not all that great because one way or another one of the jobs if not BOTH will suffer from your drained energy.
herenow Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I think what they mean by this and the disctinction should be made that it helps "the cheater" not the marriage itself meaning not the BS but it helps the marriage from the cheater's prespective. Afteral cheating is selfish act no mater what angle you look at it from. In an affair the cheater gets to fulfill the needs that they are not getting from the marriage so to sustain and affair on the side gives them a complete package of what they need to be happy in an relationship. Think of it this way, think of any aspect of your life for example your work let's say you liked everythying but one aspect of your work and you found another job on the side that fulfills this aspect you are missing in your first job, even though carrying two jobs is exhausting the pay off is that you get to have 100% of your work needs met by having these two jobs...eventually what you find is that putting in all this time into two jobs is not all that great because one way or another one of the jobs if not BOTH will suffer from your drained energy. Good point! OMG, we agree again. It's the cheater justifying not dealing with his problems in the marriage or his own personal problems.
NoIDidn't Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi all. Been reading over the threads here, and I notice a common thing in MANY many threads....something that is being said to a lot of OPs. It's not always worded the same but basically it's along these lines: "You continuing to be in the A is HELPING the MM/MW remain in their marriage" "You are enabling them to stay married". I kind of understand but do you all really believe this? Isn't that kind of an irony to an affair? How exactly does one being in an A HELP a M? What do you all think? Thanks. I think it means basically that the A is providing the MP added strength to face the M. And I think its a true statement. I hate to use a biblical reference, but I think it will help clarify why I think it is true. That a two ply rope is good, but a three ply rope is much harder to break. This isn't exactly the wording or a true paraphrase, but I hope its understood. The A is considered a symptom of dysfunction in the M caused by one or both of the partners. The extra person (or sometimes persons) gives one of the MPs what they want and feel is missing from either within themselves or within the M. One caveat though, is that it is mostly true for longer term affairs, than short term ones. The biggest danger to a marriage is a MP that leaves within 6 months of starting an A. Affairs that last longer than that only deepen the likelihood that the M has been triangulated to a degree that helps it continue to limp along than to dissolve. My H was ready to walk after only one month into his EA. Our M was truly in limbo and the A was NOT helping - it only confused the issues more. So that's why I think the "affair helping the marriage" is true only for long term affairs and marriages.
Tomcat33 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Good point! OMG, we agree again. It's the cheater justifying not dealing with his problems in the marriage or his own personal problems. BINGO! We must mark our calendars immediately, that way can celebrate the annivesary :laugh:
herenow Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 BINGO! We must mark our calendars immediately, that way can celebrate the annivesary :laugh: Marking my calendar and leaving to go out and buy a present! Hope you have a great weekend!
Tomcat33 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Marking my calendar and leaving to go out and buy a present! Hope you have a great weekend! An there's a present too? what are you doing for Valentine's? :laugh: Yeah you too!
OWoman Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi all. Been reading over the threads here, and I notice a common thing in MANY many threads....something that is being said to a lot of OPs. It's not always worded the same but basically it's along these lines: "You continuing to be in the A is HELPING the MM/MW remain in their marriage" "You are enabling them to stay married". I kind of understand but do you all really believe this? Isn't that kind of an irony to an affair? How exactly does one being in an A HELP a M? What do you all think? Thanks. What is meant is that the A is not "helping" the M so much as prolonging it. The assumption is that the CS is in an A because the M is broken. So, without the A, the CS would be uncomfortable enough and would leave the M. But because s/he has the A, and is getting the love, sex, companionship and / or whatever else is missing from the M, they see no need to undergo the disruption that ending the M would bring. So they stay put. So, according to this reasoning, the AP is helping the CS stay in the broken M by augmenting it on the side, rather than forcing the CS to confront the brokenness of the M and (either fix it or) leave it. It's an argument that can be made with more or less validity depending on the individual circumstances of the A. I know it's an argument the CS often uses themself - I've had a number of MMs say to me, "if it wasn't for you (the OW) I'd have left my W long ago!" - but how valid it is is of course impossible to say, since you can't set up identical parallel experiments to see.
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