I think I should break up with him...

[ShoeGirl]

I have been with my bf since August, and it used to be great but lately nothing seems to be going right for me. I have only seen him 2 times in the last 2 weeks. He called me a few nights ago when I was with my best friend who has a lot of **** going on right now and wanted me to leave her and go hang out with him. I told him I needed to stay there and talk to her and make her feel better but that I wanted to see him soon. He kept texting me all night saying that he was annoyed that I wouldn't come see him right then.

 

I figured he was joking so I text him on my lunch today and asked what he was up to he never answered, so I called him a while ago when I got home from work and he was already drinking, his best friend was in the background telling me to come hang out but he wouldn't invite me. He said he is still annoyed with me, I said "why, because you wanted me to drop everything for you and I couldn't do that?" and he got all pissed off and said that he's not dropping anything for me, I told him I never asked him to and that I just wanted to see what he was up to. He said he was busy so I told him to call me when he wasn't too busy for me.

 

Last weekend his friend from out of town came down for the superbowl... and the rest of the weekend... so he bailed on our plans Friday night to hang out with the guys and wouldn't make plans again after that. Last time I saw him was over a week ago.

 

My friend thinks he might be cheating on me but I don't want to believe it.

[underpants]

Oh no.

 

Shoe.

 

I think you two should talk. Breaking up might be premature. Maybe you two can have a discussion with the goal being a better understanding of each other.

 

It sounds like he felt rejected, then blew you off a bit out of resentment. The superbowl weekend probably does not even factor into his thinking.

 

Don't do this on Valentine's Day (bad mojo). However, maybe before so that day is not uncomfortable.

 

...and don't chop off your hair just yet.

[oppath]

Discuss it, and if you don't see eye to eye, then breakup. Why? Because even if a breakup is the best decision, you'll score some major karma points for discussing how his actions and behavior hurt you. I see it as a chance to practice conflict skills. In a more long relationship, you'll have conflicts.

 

That does not diminish that he is acting like a knobjob and you are hurt and feeling vulnerable and powerless. Rather than conclude "breakup," keep that in the back of your mind, but talk about how his behavior makes you feel.

 

But didn't he just a couple weeks ago question his desire to be in a relationship? There are several yellow flags being raised to red. You are right to perceive the change in behavior and be upset. I'd go to him accepting that the relationship needs to change, and a breakup is an option, but I'd involve him in a discussion rather than a "it's over" conclusion.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I just want to add that there is no such thing is karma. If you beleive that if you do good, good will come to you, you are deluded. Just look at the world around you, there is actually no pattern at all and some of the most horrible and heartless people live the best. Everything is completly random and the sooner people realize this the better.

 

Anyway, back to the topic.

[pisces fish]

Just break up with him. He is very rude and any guy who would expect you to run at their beck and call are *******s, sorry. There is just no other way around this.

It doesn't sound like he is really that into you, to tell you the truth. Guys who are into you don't not see you all weekend like that even if the guys are in town. They include you as part of the plans (if they love you, that is.)

[oppath]

I just want to add that there is no such thing is karma. If you beleive that if you do good, good will come to you, you are deluded. Just look at the world around you, there is actually no pattern at all and some of the most horrible and heartless people live the best. Everything is completly random and the sooner people realize this the better.

 

Anyway, back to the topic.

 

I don't believe in karma either, but what I mean is growing as a person and handling breakups, even if that is what is necessary, as a discussion involving the other person. She's not getting her needs met and he is being rude and insensitive, and combined with his behavior a week or two ago, it's not a small issue. So there are no karma points to be gained. However, there is a lot to be gained by talking about it, by handling the conflict via negotiation and assertion, and then breaking up, rather than just breaking up. Handling this conflict in that way will result in fewer what if's, etc. If possible, before a breakup, it would be nice to discuss what is wrong with the person. I know you can't continue to give someone more chances, but I don't think he knows how his behavior the past couple of weeks has hurt her. I think she needs to tell him, not necessarily to salvage anything, but because I'd bet that she'll need to have a similar conversation with someone in the future when the relationship is definitely worth maintaining.

[norajane]

but I don't think he knows how his behavior the past couple of weeks has hurt her.

 

What leads you to that conclusion???

 

This goes back to that thread about what puzzles us about the opposite sex. It should be quite obvious to him that he's treating her in a hurtful way, so obvious one could almost conclude he's being an ass on purpose so she breaks up with him and he doesn't have to.

 

It could also lead a woman to conclude that if it's not obvious to him that he is being hurtful, then, sorry, but he's too selfish and self-centered or stupid to 'get it' even if she spends ages trying to explain it to him.

[oppath]

What leads you to that conclusion???

 

This goes back to that thread about what puzzles us about the opposite sex. It should be quite obvious to him that he's treating her in a hurtful way, so obvious one could almost conclude he's being an ass on purpose so she breaks up with him and he doesn't have to.

 

It could also lead a woman to conclude that if it's not obvious to him that he is being hurtful, then, sorry, but he's too selfish and self-centered or stupid to 'get it' even if she spends ages trying to explain it to him.

 

As someone who has been on the opposite end of being treated poorly to because she wanted me to break up with her, I do get your point. He's been insensitive for a couple weeks and is acting like he is wronged.

 

He's not being very sensitive to her.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Just calm down or something.

 

Plus, you had the superbowl thing going.

 

Ohmmmm....

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

There are misunderstandings in this relationship, ShoeGirl. He is trying to push his way in a certain direction and at the same time, you are pushing your own way into accomplishing and reaching satisfactory point for you. I don't see compromise.

 

He can't compromise because he thinks he's right. And, you can't compromise because you have priorities and you think you're right. What are you going to do? You have to talk.

 

Guess What? He's a man; he can't read your mind -and vice versa. You need to sit down and talk to him -face to face. Explain your reasoning, struggles, pet peeves, and what improvements you'd like to see put in action.

 

You have to be firm with him. I don't deny it, he's very immature for not at least showing respect towards you and your situation -but, you should acquire a bit of relationship stamina. In other words, don't let him get to you so easily, have a bit of endurance and show him that your morals and values are important to you.

 

I'll tell you this right now: IF he's not willing to at least work towards a middle ground (this includes respect, understanding, and compromise) then dump him on the spot. Selfishness doesn't go a long way in a relationship.

 

Again, be firm and confident. You're his girl.

 

Sand&Water

[ShoeGirl]

I can't stop crying, so I'm sorry if I am not making sense.

 

This whole conflict has been building for quite some time, his ex is still around and as much as I try and not be jealous I get the feeling that she has more pull on him than he wants me to believe.

 

It seems like the second we get past one thing something new starts and I can't handle it. I was in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship before I met him and it took me a lot to want to trust any guy again, my ex ruined me and I am still dealing with that as well as everything with my current boyfriend.

 

I want to talk to him face to face but I can't get him to see me, so that may not happen. He was texting me tonight and he asked me to come get him so I said I would (I don't want him driving drunk) then a few minutes later he said never mind I am having too much fun. So I said good night and now I am here.

 

I don't know if this can be fixed, I don't know that I can trust a guy again, because I have never been in a good relationship. I have dated 3 guys and the first two were horrible beyond words and this one isn't turning out any better for me. I think I need to be single for a long time and give up on guys for a while.

[Ariadne]

He was texting me tonight and he asked me to come get him so I said I would (I don't want him driving drunk) then a few minutes later he said never mind I am having too much fun. So I said good night and now I am here.

 

If he is having a good time, be happy for him that he is having a good time.

 

He'll talk to you when he feels like it. He is free to do what he wants.

[oppath]

He was texting me tonight and he asked me to come get him so I said I would (I don't want him driving drunk) then a few minutes later he said never mind I am having too much fun. So I said good night and now I am here.

 

If he is having a good time, be happy for him that he is having a good time.

 

He'll talk to you when he feels like it. He is free to do what he wants.

 

This invalidates the fact that Shoegirl is hurt. Also, he's acting a bit manipulative. His "never mind, I'm having too much fun" line sounds like he is playing her like she is a harmonic string.

 

Shoegirl, be patient. You will get a chance to speak with him.

[Ariadne]

This invalidates the fact that Shoegirl is hurt. Also, he's acting a bit manipulative. His "never mind, I'm having too much fun" line sounds like he is playing her like she is a harmonic string.

 

Shoegirl, be patient. You will get a chance to speak with him.

 

Shoegirl is hurt because she wants to, not because of that guy.

 

She is upset because the guy is behaving in a certain way, and not the way that she wants.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

You did very well, ShoeGirl.

He was texting me tonight and he asked me to come get him so I said I would (I don't want him driving drunk) then a few minutes later he said never mind I am having too much fun. So I said good night and now I am here.

He's drunk and not thinking straight at the moment. Don't take it to heart. Relax, and slowly let go of the worry. Let him come to his senses, and then talk to him.

 

There is no point in arguing with a drunk man. So, don't get into a deep conversation with him about any issue right now. Get some rest, and above all: Don't let him walk all over you.

 

He's not your ex-boyfriend. Let's hope he'll be able to act like a gentlemen thereafter.

 

Sand&Water

[Pyro]

I have been with my bf since August, and it used to be great but lately nothing seems to be going right for me. I have only seen him 2 times in the last 2 weeks. He called me a few nights ago when I was with my best friend who has a lot of **** going on right now and wanted me to leave her and go hang out with him. I told him I needed to stay there and talk to her and make her feel better but that I wanted to see him soon. He kept texting me all night saying that he was annoyed that I wouldn't come see him right then.

 

I figured he was joking so I text him on my lunch today and asked what he was up to he never answered, so I called him a while ago when I got home from work and he was already drinking, his best friend was in the background telling me to come hang out but he wouldn't invite me. He said he is still annoyed with me, I said "why, because you wanted me to drop everything for you and I couldn't do that?" and he got all pissed off and said that he's not dropping anything for me, I told him I never asked him to and that I just wanted to see what he was up to. He said he was busy so I told him to call me when he wasn't too busy for me.

 

Signs of immaturity right there. Friends need us sometimes. Its nothing that is worth blowing up at someone over.

 

Last weekend his friend from out of town came down for the superbowl... and the rest of the weekend... so he bailed on our plans Friday night to hang out with the guys and wouldn't make plans again after that. Last time I saw him was over a week ago.

 

Did the two of you have set plans before he knew that his friend was coming down to visit? Did he talk to you about this or just make the decision right then and there that he wasn't hanging out with you?

 

My friend thinks he might be cheating on me but I don't want to believe it.

 

I wouldn't say that he is cheating on you. From what everything that you have wrote about him on here, he doesn't sound like that.

 

I can't stop crying, so I'm sorry if I am not making sense.

 

This whole conflict has been building for quite some time, his ex is still around and as much as I try and not be jealous I get the feeling that she has more pull on him than he wants me to believe.

 

The ex needs to be out of the picture. free beer or not, she has really put a toll on the relationship as of late. Thats too bad that your BF hasn't realized this on his own, but he needs to open his eyes and see that she is trouble.

 

It seems like the second we get past one thing something new starts and I can't handle it. I was in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship before I met him and it took me a lot to want to trust any guy again, my ex ruined me and I am still dealing with that as well as everything with my current boyfriend.

 

This isn't a good pattern that is developing right now.

 

I want to talk to him face to face but I can't get him to see me, so that may not happen. He was texting me tonight and he asked me to come get him so I said I would (I don't want him driving drunk) then a few minutes later he said never mind I am having too much fun. So I said good night and now I am here.

 

Thats just rude on his behalf. Your relationship should be of upmost importance to him. I know that the communication skills need some improvement but yours sound just fine. His true colors just may be showing now I'm afraid.

 

I don't know if this can be fixed, I don't know that I can trust a guy again, because I have never been in a good relationship. I have dated 3 guys and the first two were horrible beyond words and this one isn't turning out any better for me. I think I need to be single for a long time and give up on guys for a while.

 

You know him best. Weigh out the pros and cons of your relationship with him. Just remember that all guys are not the same. We are all different in our own ways. Being single can help as well.

 

Hang in there Doc. You are a smart gal. I know that everything will turn out alright with you in the end.

[norajane]

It seems like the second we get past one thing something new starts and I can't handle it.

 

If nothing else, that should be a sign to you that this relationship is not healthy for you.

 

It was only a few weeks ago that he told you he wasn't sure he wanted to be in this relationship. Did you really get past that, or are these recent events just a continuation of his ambivalence?

 

Did you really believe his friends wrote that text to you about being a f*cking c*nt, or do you wonder whether he really did? If you believe he didn't write it, don't you wonder why he chose, in the middle of your text conversation with him, to go to the bathroom and leave his phone on the table? Do you wonder whether his ex was there and whether she wrote that text?

 

I'm bringing this up because it's very natural for us to believe that we've moved past a trouble spot and smoothed things over and everything's fine because we want things to work out. But when we do that, we sell ourselves short because we dismiss our hurt feelings!! Think about how YOU feel in this relationship and whether these constant hurts are what you want with the man in your life...

[ShoeGirl]

If he is having a good time, be happy for him that he is having a good time.

 

He'll talk to you when he feels like it. He is free to do what he wants.

I don't care that he was having a good time but when he invites me to come hang out then a few minutes later that he is having too much fun without me, I don't like that.

 

He is not exactly free to do what he wants... well I guess he is but not if he wants me to stick around. I am not going to just sit here while he treats me like crap.

 

If nothing else, that should be a sign to you that this relationship is not healthy for you.

 

It was only a few weeks ago that he told you he wasn't sure he wanted to be in this relationship. Did you really get past that, or are these recent events just a continuation of his ambivalence?

 

Did you really believe his friends wrote that text to you about being a f*cking c*nt, or do you wonder whether he really did? If you believe he didn't write it, don't you wonder why he chose, in the middle of your text conversation with him, to go to the bathroom and leave his phone on the table? Do you wonder whether his ex was there and whether she wrote that text?

 

I'm bringing this up because it's very natural for us to believe that we've moved past a trouble spot and smoothed things over and everything's fine because we want things to work out. But when we do that, we sell ourselves short because we dismiss our hurt feelings!! Think about how YOU feel in this relationship and whether these constant hurts are what you want with the man in your life...

 

We did work out the whole thing when he didn't know what he wanted, so it's not just building up.

 

With whole text thing a few weeks ago... I do believe that he didn't write it, I don't know who did but he never talked to me like that before that message and hasn't since. That conversation was probably about an hour long so I don't doubt that he got up and left his phone. I doubt his ex was there but I suppose it's a possibility, I think she would have said a lot more to me if it was her though.

[Ariadne]

he invites me to come hang out then a few minutes later that he is having too much fun without me, I don't like that...I am not going to just sit here while he treats me like crap.

 

How is that treating you like crap?

 

Treating you like crap would be if he beat the crap out of you.

 

He told you that he was having fun with his friends, that's all.

 

Why can't people be cool and say, ok, enjoy then, see you tomorrow.

[oppath]

How is that treating you like crap?

 

Treating you like crap would be if he beat the crap out of you.

 

He told you that he was having fun with his friends, that's all.

 

Why can't people be cool and say, ok, enjoy then, see you tomorrow.

 

Because he basically said "I want to hang out with you" and then "never mind. I'm having too much fun here without you."

 

If he had said "actually, I am having a lot of fun. Would you come out and join us" then it would be very different.

[Ariadne]

Because he basically said "I want to hang out with you" and then "never mind. I'm having too much fun here without you."

 

If he had said "actually, I am having a lot of fun. Would you come out and join us" then it would be very different.

 

The guy was happy with the way things were with the friends.

 

He was in the zone. He didn't want to alter it.

 

What is so hard to understand?

[Pyro]

The guy was happy with the way things were with the friends.

 

He was in the zone. He didn't want to alter it.

 

What is so hard to understand?

 

You mean to tell me that you wouldn't be offended if your BF did that to you? What he did and said was plain rude. Ask anyone.

[Ariadne]

You mean to tell me that you wouldn't be offended if your BF did that to you? What he did and said was plain rude. Ask anyone.

 

No, I wouldn't care.

 

I'd tell him, have fun honey, I'm glad you are having a good time.

[Pyro]

No, I wouldn't care.

 

I'd tell him, have fun honey, I'm glad you are having a good time.

 

You are one in a billion then.

 

I can't believe that if your BF told you to come over and then called back and said nevermind because he is having fun already that you wouldn't be offended.

 

Sorry for going off-topic Doc.

[Ariadne]

You are one in a billion then.

 

I can't believe that if your BF told you to come over and then called back and said nevermind because he is having fun already that you wouldn't be offended.

 

Sorry for going off-topic Doc.

 

No, I'd understand that he has changed his mind because he is in a moment that he doesn't want to alter.

 

I really wouldn't care.