pink_girl Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I am in love with a married man and have been for the past 5 years. In the beginning we worked together, we both just seemed to really click. We laughed and had a great time together. He suddenly became my best friend. We were out of town and had to much to drink and one thing lead to another. I thought at that point that it would just be a one night thing. Within a week of that night, we found out that each of our spouses were having an affair. I left my husband....I could not continue down that path, it was obvious to me that we were both unhappy in the marriage. He has not left his wife and I know in my head that I need to let him go. I just can't. I love him with every once in my being. He is my soul mate. I would never ask him to leave his family or his wife. I have since tried to move on and date other people, I just seem to look at every other man and want them to be him. They are not and then I just end it. I still talk to the MM and in the back of my mind I would love for him to want to be with me, I know that it is wrong....but love just does something to you. We talked for 3 hours yesterday and he told me he loves me more than anything and he knows his wife is still seeing someone else, but can not seem to leave. It makes me sad, but that is his choice and I respect that. The hardest part is, I asked him to please tell me what he wants me to do. He said that he knows it is not fair of him to ask me to wait, but we both know that is what he wants. If he wanted me to I would wait a million years for him...that is how much I love him. He is my very best friend and knows everything about me. I know I need to move on, but why can I not do it??? Please help me!
GreenEyedLady Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 You can not do it because you are getting something out of the R... At some point when you tire of waiting, you probably will become fed up and at some point leave...5 years is a long time already to wait...You really need to look at what you need and want and see how he's measuring up to that... You're not less deserving than him of happiness...Why should he be the only one getting what he wants? I'll tell you what I told my honey: "Why are you the only one getting what you want? I'm sure your W wants a H who is faithful to her. I want us to be together the way we should be. And you want us both. Why are you so special that you're the only one getting what you want?" That was the beginning of the D process for him...We're moving in together in two weeks... The thing is, it's a risk to say this isn't working for me and if you don't change things, I'm gone. And you have to be strong and stand behind what you say. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Welcome to the forum! GEL
Author pink_girl Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 GEL... You are right, I get alot from the R....I can laugh with him, be myself and he makes me feel beautiful, intelligent and special. Those are all things I never felt with my husband. I know that I could tell him he needs to make a choice and to be honest he would probably choose me, but I do not want to make him do that I want him to do it when he is ready. It hurts how much I love him and I cry because I miss him, but when I am with him it is an incredible feeling. Will it ever pass, I have been telling myself for 8 months it is done we are finished...but I saw him this past week for 3 days and I am right back where I was....OMG I love him so much.....
GreenEyedLady Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I know that I could tell him he needs to make a choice and to be honest he would probably choose me, but I do not want to make him do that I want him to do it when he is ready. It hurts how much I love him and I cry because I miss him, but when I am with him it is an incredible feeling. Will it ever pass, I have been telling myself for 8 months it is done we are finished...but I saw him this past week for 3 days and I am right back where I was....OMG I love him so much..... He will never be ready...He has no reason to...He has everything he wants the way he likes it...He will not choose to leave on his own when he has his W, his children, his money, his home and you... It is wonderful to think that they will leave when they are ready...The truth is, they will not act unless they are forced to or he would have left already...You've been with him for five years, not five months...He has the best of both worlds right now... If you want to stay in the R, I will support you in that...But realize what you are giving up to stay in limbo for an indefinite amount of time...But it is your choice whether that is worth it...But you will never get those years back, so make sure to factor everything in... (((HUGS)))
Cobra_X30 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 GEL... You are right, I get alot from the R....I can laugh with him, be myself and he makes me feel beautiful, intelligent and special. Those are all things I never felt with my husband. I know that I could tell him he needs to make a choice and to be honest he would probably choose me, but I do not want to make him do that I want him to do it when he is ready. It hurts how much I love him and I cry because I miss him, but when I am with him it is an incredible feeling. Will it ever pass, I have been telling myself for 8 months it is done we are finished...but I saw him this past week for 3 days and I am right back where I was....OMG I love him so much..... All I can offer is my deepest sympathy. If I were his friend... I'd chew his tail dailey about filing D papers. Fear holds him bondage. Some men never break those chains.
LIVEWIRE Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi Pink Girl. I'm not a OW, but I can relate to how obsessive a R like this can be. I suspect your relationship with this MM is like a drug to you. You are high when you're with him, and going through constant withdrawls when it's taken from you. You asked how you can get over it. Well, I am afraid to say probably in the same way a person gets off drugs. You just have to do it cold turkey. Five years is a long time to invest in a relationship of ANY kind..let alone an affair. Ending this relationship will probably be incredibly hard for you...but like green eyed lady said...you will never get that time back. Do you want to spend another five years on the possibility of him MAYBE leaving. I know it's tough sweetie. Hang in there.
Amiss Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I hav never been in your situation but to answer your question- It might be love for you but if he loved you , surely he would leave his wife? Love gives you strength. If he can't make the break , move on and find a man who deserves your love
OWoman Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I know that I could tell him he needs to make a choice and to be honest he would probably choose me, but I do not want to make him do that I want him to do it when he is ready. PG if you tell him to make a choice, and force the issue "before he is ready" there will be issues that follow you into your R if he leaves his W. But at the same time, as GEL says, if you wait for him to be ready - tomorrow never comes. If you love him, you want what's best for him, right? And if he loves you, he wants what's best for you, right? So instead of this being about HIM, make it about YOU. Tell him honestly how you feel, where you stand, what you want and what you're prepared to put up with. If you tell him honestly that you love him, that you're prepared to wait for him but that each day you wait, you lose just a little bit of that hope, that love, that patience, and so some day there won't be enough left to sustain waiting for him... that he can see where YOU'RE coming from, it might help him to make his choice. When men stall, to make a decision, they assume that because they've pushed the "pause" button everything is on hold. It's not. While he's pausing, other things carry on, and love grows, or fades, blossoms or dies, because he can't put YOUR life on hold the way he's trying with his own. He needs to know that this is causing you pain. He needs to own the consequences of his actions - that by not acting, pain is resulting... the same pain he thinks he is avoiding by not acting. And that the slow pain etched into your cheeks with your tears is a lot more destructive to love than the swift, clean blade of a decision either way. If he loves you, he will want to do what's best for you. But to make an informed decision on that he needs to know where you stand. That's not FORCING him to make a decision, it's HELPING him to make the best decision he can.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I know I need to move on, but why can I not do it??? Please help me! I am in a "need to move on" situation currently, and I know the reason I can't do it. Its because I see the little bit of something I get is better than the whole lot of nothing I will have as the alternative. How to break out? The only way you can is when you see that "nothing" isn't really the alternative. You need to change your perception of what life would be like without him in it. You have to find something to fill that void, otherwise you will never have the strength to walk away. Right now it probably feels like you are hanging by a twig over a giant black chasm, and while your arm is aching and you want to let go you know if you do - you will fall, and fall, and fall. Of course you don't see the platform six inches under your shoes, but in a situation like this its hard to see the platform when you are hanging over what feels like an infinite empty void. As painful and cliche as it may sound - the only way to break an addiction to a person is to stop cold turkey. No contact. None, nada, period. If you have any contact with him at all you will never be able to move on. Never. When you do decide to move forward without him, it will feel like you are ripping out your soul, but with time you will allow other things to rush in to fill that void and you will move on. Slowly, painfully, but surely.
Author pink_girl Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 I am not sure if you know how much better it makes me feel to actually be able to tell someone about all of my heartache! I so appreciate all that you have said and I know in my head that each of you are offering me the advice that I need. I know that I need to walk away cold turkey. I am not sure where I will find the strength...I had the strength when I left my marriage, but this seems to be 100 times harder. I know that I can do it and I know that I am worthy of so much more....but I just do not want to be in my last days in life and look back with a world of regret for not trying harder when it came to him. It is just as simple as I love him and I am not sure that will ever go away. Thanks! I love the support and I know after 5 years of this I need it and so much more.
LIVEWIRE Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I am not sure if you know how much better it makes me feel to actually be able to tell someone about all of my heartache! I so appreciate all that you have said and I know in my head that each of you are offering me the advice that I need. I know that I need to walk away cold turkey. I am not sure where I will find the strength...I had the strength when I left my marriage, but this seems to be 100 times harder. I know that I can do it and I know that I am worthy of so much more....but I just do not want to be in my last days in life and look back with a world of regret for not trying harder when it came to him. It is just as simple as I love him and I am not sure that will ever go away. Thanks! I love the support and I know after 5 years of this I need it and so much more. Glad I can help in some way PG. As far as finding strength..you would be amazed at what you can do when you set your mind to it. It's a matter of wanting something bad enough. Would you rather live the rest of your life in Limbo....wondering, full of anxiety, thinking you are wasting the best years of your life? It's already been five years. Or would you rather make the decision for YOURSELF to be happy, regardless of what happens with him. because you know the ONLY person you can control or change is YOU. You waiting for him is not going to determine whether he leaves or not. That has to be HIS decision and nothing you say or do can change that. So.....if you can learn to live in the "now'...and not "what if"...it might help you to come to a decision.
Lyssa Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 It is just as simple as I love him and I am not sure that will ever go away. I don't think it will ever go away. The hardest is when you love someone deeply and know in your heart that you can't be with that person but you still love him. You want to be with him but he has to want the same thing too. It was a painful experience but I am so glad that I got over it and that I found someone who completes me in every way. It's not easy going cold turkey but if you put your mind into it - you can do it. You will meet someone worthy of you, PG! [[[hugs]]]
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Ask yourself if how he makes you feel when you're with him is worth those times when you're not with him. Eventually you will want more and more from him and he'll be incapable of giving you what you really want. Not because he doesn't want to, I'm sure he does, but he's chosen to stay married, so he won't be able to give ALL of him, only pieces of him on his terms and times.. Is that enough? Do you feel if you stay in your current situation you'll be settling? Or are you content on staying the OW and having bits and pieces of him on his terms.. If you truly want it to end, detach yourself bit by bit - OR just go cold turkey. Seek some counselling if you feel you can't do it on your own, whatever makes it easier for you. Think long term too, not just today, next week, next month. Can you picture yourself waiting for another 2 years? Putting your life on hold, possibly missing out on another wonderful (single) guy? If you stay with MM, you won't even notice any other potientals..
Recommended Posts