casey001 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Hey everyone. My first love broke up with me two months ago. To cut a long story short he dumped me, replaced me and never contacted me again! He destroyed me with some of the stuff he said to me. Now two months on I still think of him 24/7 and am severly depressed. I really enjoyed being in the relationship and really enjoyed being in love and getting a chance to spoil someone. I felt we were perfect together and really connected. Im scared I will never be able to find love again and never be able to have that kind of connection with anyone again! Right now theres no way I could possibly be able to move on with another person and I feel that wont ever change. Im scared I will be lonely forever and never able to be happy or in love again. Has anyone else been throught this and found love and happiness again? I keep reading stories how people never recover or dwell on their exs for years and it really disheartens me!
oppath Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 It's only been 2 months. I know a lot of people appear to move on right away to new partners, but that's not typically healthy and is not the experience of the majority of people. Most people it takes them a year or two between meeting people they really like. Even if you were ready, it would likely take you a while. That is dating. First loves are a bitch to get over. I'm still grieving mine a year later, just now on the threshold of being able to love and care. Right now you are feeling vulnerable, unlovable, and inadequate, and you don't want to go years without love; you are scared to not know when it will happen again. It will happen again. To all of us. Be patient and treat yourself well until it happens. Are you in college? If so, I'd take advantage of free counseling. I always advise people, after a breakup, to take up 3 passions, so take a photography class, take a hip hop dance class, and hit the gym 3 times a week. Your ex moving on has NOTHING to do with you. You will be able to love again. Going through this pain, eventually, you'll recognize the things that were not right with the relationship and you will meet someone better for you. Most people move on to better relationships because they've learned from the experience -- about themselves, how to communicate -- and also what they want in a partner. Surround yourself with people who care about you and be selfish. This is a great time to focus on you. It will be painful but you will heal.
Robert7x Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 You will love again! Don't worry about that too much now. Focus on healing and getting over him. If you really want to move on, you need to stop all communication and forget that he exists. This is your time to shine and do the things that you really want to do. When the time is right, you'll love again. This whole life is a learning experience in many ways... Whatever doesn't kill it will only make you stronger, just remember that. Moving on is hard and it's a very bumpy road, but you can do it. You're young, you have the whole life in front of you. Best of luck. R
quankanne Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I really enjoyed being in the relationship and really enjoyed being in love and getting a chance to spoil someone. I felt we were perfect together and really connected. … I'm scared I will never be able to find love again and never be able to have that kind of connection with anyone again! ((HUGS)) oh honey, as distressing as it is to lose a love for whatever reason, you should try looking at it from fact that you *are* capable of loving someone the way you have, and that given the right time & right situation, you're going to love again. see, love is like an exercise of the heart and the spirit ... the more you love, the more capacity you have to love, rather than it just drying up because you feel the source has been cut off. The more you give, the more you have, and each relationship you experience just makes you come that much closer to the love you're ultimately meant to have. It might be a partner of the opposite sex, it may be a child; it may even be a stronger relationship with Him as evidenced by a vocation (lol, Catholics will get this one right away) … whatever the means, know that the possibility is surely out there. when I was in college, I fell absolutely head over heels for a guy in one of my classes – so much so I thought He Was The One. Well, fast forward several months and my beloved was breaking it off because the woman HE loved had finally left her husband so they could be together. And I was heartbroken, because I honestly believed he was the one ... but God had other, greater plans for me. about that time I met R, who I felt something for, but kinda pushed it away because he wasn't College Boy. Over the years we dated off and on, we maintained a long distance relationship and about three or so years after we met, we married. Even though I still felt College Boy was the One That Got Away. several years into my marriage I realized that College Boy really wasn't where I was meant to be in life – R was my gift, my perfect companion even despite wanting to choke him on a semi-regular basis *he* was where my life was leading up to, and after nearly 16 years of marriage, I can honestly say that YOU may THINK you know who you need when it comes to love, but God or fate or the universe will ultimate SEND you the love you're meant to have. ya just gotta keep your mind and your heart open to the possibility, no matter how badly broken your heart gets by a failed relationship. so dry your eyes, sweetie, and know there's a wonderful adventure waiting for your heart, and that you will ultimately find the person you're meant to be with.
Belkin Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Hey Casey! Reread your post, you wrote "first love" didn't you? You didn't write "my love" or "the love of my life"... I think you know that he was just the first one, and that someone else (if not someoneS else!) will be there for you! You (we...) are still young and have so much time in front of us! I'm more or less in the same situation as you, but I know I will eventually meet someone else to replace her. Not because God or fate decides it is so, but because I am young, cute, fun, intelligent... and so are you if you decide so. I also realised (same as you again, it seems! just that you didn't express it so clearly) that what I miss more than anything is not the girl that left me for someone else, but the relation in itself. And once you realise that, you understand that she (or he in your case) actually CAN be replaced. Moreover, you have learned so much from this relation: now you know you are capable of true love, of giving everything for another person, and it would definitely be a shame if no one else could benefit from such a powerful embrace, don't you think? Our next gf/bf are going to be sooooo lucky to have us Instead of crying over the past, be eager for this fantastic future! You don't know who you'll share it with yet, but he's out there, waiting for someone just like you!
ZenSilk Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I really think it depends on you. Losing your first love is really hard. But you can decide to dwell over it for long and think you'll never find someone like that... or you can be open to whatever comes. Your next relationship will probably come in a completely different shape. Just make sure you enjoy yourself! I think oppath gave you really good advice, staying active and finding your passion is the best thing you can do when you find yourself alone after a relationship. Best luck!
Author casey001 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 Hey everyone Thanks for the advice! I haven't contacted him or seen him since it all happened (2months ago) so why is it still on my mind 24/7!? I just feel really really really down right now. I do my best to show im not hurting and to go on with my normal life but my heart physically aches and beats really fast all day everyday! My friends are starting to get sick of my whinging so there really isnt anyone I feel i can talk to Its almost worse when i do get distracted and take my mind off him and her because when i remember again it hits even harder. Ive also gotten into dreaming about him every night and dreaming that everything is ok between us. Im happy untill I wake up, then the grief hits me even harder!! I just dont no what to do anymore I cant go on living my life like this but i don't no how to resolve it other than have him back again.
Lyssa Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Do not underestimate the power of love! You will love again... believe that!
quankanne Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I just dont no what to do anymore I cant go on living my life like this but i don't no how to resolve it other than have him back again maybe you're not allowing yourself to move forward for whatever reason? Like you've convinced yourself that there can be no other, so the ghost of him/y'alls relationship continues to haunt you. or maybe you cannot forgive yourself for doing wrong (real or imagined) for allowing him to "get away," and your subconscious it trying to find ways to "fix" the situation ... either which way, until you consciously tell yourself that you've let him go – even as you continue to desire him with all your heart – he's going to have that kind of hold on you, you know? And it's not unusual, but it often can make things that much harder.
eagle5 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Sorry to hear your heartache, but you are NOT alone, and I talk from experience as I'm feeling the same feelings as you re deams etc, and she is my 3rd real love (and I'm 34). The first always hits like a tonne of bricks but there WILL be others. I don't want to sound like a doom sayer but you may have to go through more heartache again in the future, ( you may not and good luck to you if thats the case), but look at your future as a new beginning, it's hard at the moment, but I've been there like I say, my first love was the biggest heartache I'd ever experienced but then 4 years later I met someone else and all that negative feeling evaporated. Needless to sat that didn't last (9 years) then I met who I thought was the love of my life, well that lasted 10 months and has devestated me more than anything else.... BUT my point is you are young, you WILL meet someone else, the relationship WILL be different - better as you've learned from this one, there is more out there, I know it's hard to believe, but the dreams will change once you've allowed yourself to move on, please know that's the truth, don't expect too much from yourself, just take each day as it comes, don't feel alone, you're not..... Thoughts for you .....Eagle...
ZenSilk Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I haven't contacted him or seen him since it all happened (2months ago) so why is it still on my mind 24/7!? I just feel really really really down right now. I do my best to show im not hurting and to go on with my normal life but my heart physically aches and beats really fast all day everyday! My friends are starting to get sick of my whinging so there really isnt anyone I feel i can talk to Its almost worse when i do get distracted and take my mind off him and her because when i remember again it hits even harder. Ive also gotten into dreaming about him every night and dreaming that everything is ok between us. Im happy untill I wake up, then the grief hits me even harder!! I just dont no what to do anymore I cant go on living my life like this but i don't no how to resolve it other than have him back again. Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time! Showing you're not hurting might not be the best strategy, as you're actually hurting. I believe it's healthy to let it out, just don't dwell on the fact that it's over. Allow yourself to feel the pain, to feel angry or sad. But just see those emotions as what they are: emotions that'll eventually pass. It's really easy to obsess about this after your first break-up, and as quankanne says, to not allow yourself to move on. This wasn't your only opportunity of being happy! I strongly encourage you to take up other activities! Find things that make you happy and feel self-confident, things that have nothing to do with him and remind you of what you like about life. Make sure to draw a line and say "this is what makes me happy and it has *nothing* to do with him". If you feel sad when you stop being distracted, it can help to write down your thoughts. Write down why you're angry, upset, in which way he's hurt you or what you would like to say to him if you could be totally open and honest about how you feel. It might be a slow process in the beginning, but after a while you will find yourself thinking less about him, and enjoying yourself a bit more. Then you might find someone else to think about Btw, I really know what you mean about your dreams. I've had the same thing, and it really didn't make it easy for me to get over the guy... but it's all your subconscious talking to you. If you think a lot about him during the day, or if you suppress your thoughts, they'll come up in your dreams. But if you start painting, singing, dancing, whatever activity that's fun for you... and then you feel excited about those new things you're doing in your life, those feelings will take over! So just allow yourself to be down, but make sure to be distracted in some new and exciting way. Also, your progress might be slow, but as long as you do feel a bit better every day, it'll get you out of this phase.
Author casey001 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Hey everyone! Thankyou SOOO much for your comments!! Im am having such a difficult time!!! I kno this is a stupid question but does anyone know any magical solutions for getting him off my mind? What ever I do any where ever I got he is on my mind everyseconf of everyday! My heart physically aches alll day long!! Itz horrible and I just want this to be over!! When he 1st broke up with me I went on to his my space and all these pictures of this new girl with, I read all the comments he gave her and it totally ripped my heart out. He was in love with her after about 1 day of breaking up with me and it destroyed me. I cant get the thoughts out of my head and its killing me I miss him sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much and i cant bear this anymore
eagle5 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Casey, there is no magic as such, but you can make this work for you! God I totally understand what you are saying about being scared about not having that connection with anyone else, I'm with you 100%, I think that too! But deep down you know there is more for you in your future, you are already asking yourself 'will I have those feelings for anyone else' which means you are looking forward, the answer is a big YES, you will. Believe me I know how hard it is, what can I say to you? start with contact - You are looking at his mySpace and it's ripping you to shreads, so make yourself not look at it, (I know easier said than done) but throw your computer out of the window if that's what it takes, don't go online, tell yourself to look at something else that'll benefit you instead, each time you want to look at mySpace type in something else like an online course that'll benefit you, AND pat yourself on the back each time you don't look at it. Read all the threads on nc, it does work!!!! Box up all the things that remind you of him, like pictures etc. and then think about you - Give yourself something to look forward to each day even if it's having a bath and reading a book. This is now YOUR time, even if you didn't ask for it, event though it was forced on you, use it to learn about yourself and who you are, what you want etc. Think of all the bad things about the relationship, even the tiniest little things, annoyances or different values/ideas etc, make those things LARGE thoughts in your mind every time you think about him. Don't look at all the negative stories about not finding love again, don't even think about finding love for the time being, just use this time to heal, another relationship right now wouldn't make things better for you, you need to 'recover' from this one first, it will make you stronger for when you do meet Mr right. Oh and go out with friends and family, keep yourself distracted, time will help to ease the pain, that doesn't mean you need to pretend to forget everything, when you need to cry, just cry and let it out, but if you can keep yourself occupied with other things (maybe things you didn't do with him) it'll help you move forward. Do remember you are not alone, everything you are feeling, everything you are thinking is natural and is part of the whole break up and healing process, Keep posting too.One step at a time....Eagle
Peter_pan Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I to question if i will find love again, after all she was the one that found me.... now she to has a new bf after a week. we where together for 3 yrs 4 months i went onto my face book and found she had blocked me. basically because of this new guy. so i deleted my account. it wastes so much time and i have felt about 80% better about not having it tbh. i hope love is out there for me again. i know i am attracted to other girls but will i get one that wants me>? i hope so.
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