growingimpatient Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I could really use some help and advice here. I've been seeing a MM w/3 kids for about 2 years now. It started out (as most do I'm sure) never intending for it to get this far. Over the course of these past 2 years, we have both attempted to pull away from the affair. It went as far as I was practically living with someone else for a few months. (Still staying in constant phone contact with the MM) Convincing myself that we can be "just friends". There were never any promises made, although we were (are) in love with eachother. He never once told me he was leaving, never told me to wait. "Understood" everytime I felt I needed to break free from this, and start seeing someone else. Until......the other night. He saw interaction between me and another guy that I had just started seeing and quite frankly, lost it! He went home and told his Wife EVERYTHING. Told her he was in love with me, told her with me is where he wants to be, gave her EVERY detail about the affair. In hopes that she would just kick him out. She didn't...she wants to "try and make it work." He doesn't know what to do...he, in all honesty, doesn't have the "balls" to look at this woman and make the final "cut." Instead he is taking the brutal honesty route, trying to convince her in a way that things aren't going to work. Trying to push her to make the final move...she isn't budging right now. I don't know if he will ever make that move if she doesn't, but I feel like I'm so far in now that I can't walk away without finding out. I'm so confused and this waiting is killing me! I know he loves me and I know where he wants to be. They have been living like roommates, or brother/sister for about 10 years now. She wants to hold on for the kids/appearances. He's going to be miserable if he stays, and I don't think he can live like that. She won't ever let him live this down (still brings up when he cheated in Highschool 20 years ago at least once a week!). Sorry this was one big run on sentence, if anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated. Noone understands what I'm going through, at least not fully.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Regardless of what he tells you, or how horrible he makes it sound he is choosing to stay married and trying to convince you that its wife's fault that he can't leave. What do you do? Understand that you have a choice: stay and continue to be the OW or walk away and end this.
torranceshipman Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Ohhh sorry to say, but he does sound like a lot of other MMS on here. Do you have any proof he really went home and told his W all that? Or just his word? And if he wanted to leave, why can't he do it himself, rather than saying she has to be the one to throw him out? I think he knows she WONT throw him out, cause she doesnt know about his A...and its a good story to keep you in the picture too... I am sure he loves you, really did get jealous...but I think he loves his W too and I don't believe the living like roommates story for a second...I dont think he ever wants to leave his W. Not flaming you at all sweetie, just so many cliches came out of that post in terms of what he is telling you...
GreenEyedLady Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I could really use some help and advice here. I've been seeing a MM w/3 kids for about 2 years now. It started out (as most do I'm sure) never intending for it to get this far. Over the course of these past 2 years, we have both attempted to pull away from the affair. It went as far as I was practically living with someone else for a few months. (Still staying in constant phone contact with the MM) Convincing myself that we can be "just friends". There were never any promises made, although we were (are) in love with eachother. He never once told me he was leaving, never told me to wait. "Understood" everytime I felt I needed to break free from this, and start seeing someone else. Until......the other night. He saw interaction between me and another guy that I had just started seeing and quite frankly, lost it! He went home and told his Wife EVERYTHING. Told her he was in love with me, told her with me is where he wants to be, gave her EVERY detail about the affair. In hopes that she would just kick him out. She didn't...she wants to "try and make it work." He doesn't know what to do...he, in all honesty, doesn't have the "balls" to look at this woman and make the final "cut." Ok, how do you feel about him now? What about this guy you were out with? It sounds like his M is crumbling and if you're willing to wait, it might go in your direction...But if he doesn't cut the ties now and not give her false hope, it could get really ugly for you and drawn out... He's not going to convince her that he's not good enough for her...The fact that she knows there's another woman just fuels the competition... So focus on you...Is he meeting your needs? Do you see a future with him? Have you had normal daily interactions for any extended amount of time? I mean like spending a week or two or three or vacationing together, him going to work events, meeting your friends or family, etc...This is the most important piece...If he hasn't gotten into your daily life, it will be scary for him because it's unknown...Even if he's miserable at home, it's a known misery...Without any consequences... Keep posting and good luck! You'll find the support you need here...Take what you need from people's posts and ignore the rest... GEL
Author growingimpatient Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Thank you for all your responses. I do know that he is telling the truth as far as telling her everything. Her and I have exchanged a few e-mails. In which she has confirmed his story. She doesn't think it's going to work..just can't let go right now. It's a strange situation, well maybe not for this forum but definitely for me!!! She is being painfully kind to me...she doesn't want to see him leave just because of me. Doesn't want him to regret it...nor do I! She hasn't even let anger hit her yet, she is still in the denial phase in a way. Blaming herself, scared to be alone. Has admitted to not being "in love" with him. Has admitted that if this was 10 years ago before the kids, she would have been long gone. I don't think she has let this sink in. It's like she just wants it to go away, pretend that it didn't happen. "Think about it another day." Sounds like the quiet before the storm. Hasn't even spoken with her friends/family about it. Has told noone. She doesn't think anyone knows...she'll find out different eventually. I guess it's a waiting game, I just don't know how long. I know 20+ years doesnt just "go away" in a week. This is the first time they have even addressed having problems in their marriage, or relationship for that matter. Eventually he is going to have to give someone the final blow...that person might be me, just wish he would do it already. Either way...the affair is over. It can't continue with her knowing...she calls him every 15 minutes to make sure he's not on the phone with me. That's only going to get worse as time goes on. Like I said...20 years ago in highschool and not a week goes by she doesn't mention it. The real question is..is he going to be able to live with whats to come in that manner. Couldn't live with it before...which is partially why this began in the first place. Accusing all the time, with no cause. Only time will tell!
Author growingimpatient Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 There is so much to the story that I don't even know where to begin, but I appreciate the responses with ?'s..I don't even know what or how much information to give.
Author growingimpatient Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 I'm sitting here, like I have been all week. Waiting for the phone to ring, or a knock on the door. I never in a million years thought that I would be in this situation. I never even expected he would take it this far. I always believed he would just let me go. Although I never doubted his love for me you could have knocked me over with a feather when he confessed. Why the courage to tell her everything, every gory detail, tell her he loves me, tell her he thinks about me all the time, tell her he wants to be with me, tell her he doesn't regret it? She didn't react the way he thought, now he can't find the courage to seal the deal. Has never asked me to wait, and he's asking for that now. I have to be honest..I will be completely shocked if he didn't follow through at this point. Devastated. Despite what our relationship was based on, it always came down to truth and honesty between us. Even when it risked losing the A, and hurting one another. Told the truth every step of the way, even when it was too much to bear. Sometimes would have to ask him to please lie to me, and he would do the same. As silly as that sounds. I'm so confused and scared to death. I know that he is telling the truth when it comes to the facts, I'm afraid to really believe he'll be here soon. I never thought it was ever possible, never thought there was ever a chance. Played my position 100%, knowing that it would end between us eventually. I knew he was never going to be mine, and I was ok with that. Didn't like it, but ok with it. He changed the rules...I really just want the affair back at this point. It would be easier on some level, I knew what to expect. To all that reads, thanks for listening. I feel like I've opened the flood gates on this and it's nice to find a place where everyone understands where I'm coming from. Been there before.
Lizzie60 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I am sure you are scared and excited at the same time.. you don't know what is going to happen.. but in a way you must be releived that she finally knows... no? This is the part that scares me about my MM from work... he is soooo in love with me.. it is scary, like you, I am afraid he will lose it and tell her everything.. Like this afternoon, he came after work... I was already home, I slipped into a very sexy outfit.. (his wife is not into lingerie) we had a drink and we talked about work.. we haven't been together for over a month, I was gone 2 weeks.. he wanted to know if I had sex while on vacation, I told him (almost everything lol)... anyway.. He's been sending me tons of emails about how sexy I look, etc.. etc.. he is soooo excited.. and soooo 'due'... I should say 'overdue' LOL I am always scared that if I ever tell him it's over, he will lose it. He rather have it once a month or less than never.. I'm sure your MM loves you but he is torn between his kids and his life and you. Just give him some time.. if that's what you want. Be patient..
Author growingimpatient Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 I am relieved in a sense. There are just so many things I can't grasp. He is trying to "escape" without it being about the "affair." Just ridiculous if you ask me, It will ALWAYS be about the A in her eyes. Can't backpeddle now!! I don't want to see this woman hurt any more than he does, but he can't take the pain away, can't make it right. The damage is done, just finish it for christ sake!! Or dont! I can't understand what he would be "hanging on" to me for! Like I said...the A is over. Just physically impossible with all the restraints that are going to be put on him. He lived under lock and key before. Has anyone had an experience like this before?????
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