In Counseling and Desperate!

[moonchick]

After weeks of lurking I've finally found the courage to post my situation in hope of gaining some support as well as some new perspectives based on the many personal experiences here. I also hope to return the favor and offer as much support as I can here as well.

 

I am 35 my husband is 38, we've been married 4 years (together 8).

This is my first marriage, his third and he has 1 child from his first.

For the past year we've been pretty much "coasting along" until recently things have come to a pretty ugly head!

Before marriage I knew my husband had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and we've overcome many "highs" and "lows" I cannot help blame his illness on many of our problems, but I vowed to stick by him and I also recognize that I am by no means perfect. I knew there were apparent differences between us based on different upbriging, different family values, different spiritual beliefs etc... but we seemed to find balance and became content with our lives together. I had always wanted to have a family and on many occasions throughout our marriage it was brought up and I thought we were on the same page (based on conversations) about 7 months ago I also thought we were a go to begin trying. My husband listened as I told him about all the cycle, temping stuff I had been reading books about fertility he would even say things like "is it time to make babies yet?"

Then some changes took place at his work and he took on new responsiblities that also brought on new stresses for him and that's when I noticed his personality begin to change... He went out for drinks more frequently to rant with his work buddies to relieve the stress of the new position (only stayed out an hour or 2 at the most and called me to 'check in"). He started saying he was pressured about trying to conceive, became less interested in intimacy and said he had no sex drive which I attributed to the stress at work didnt give it much thought. This went on for several months until 2 weeks ago we finally had a blow out and he told me he doesnt believe he wants children at all now, that I deserve better than him and that hes not sure he wants to be married!!! I expressed wanting to work on things and if we absolutely could find a way to compromise I hoped that we could part amicably - that set him off and got really ugly saying extremely hurtful things, implying he knows how aweful "women" are and he won't get out of this one without getting what he deserves etc... Its difficult for me to cope with the extreme personality fluctuations... I know he has it in him to be sweet, thoughtfull etc.. but I don't understand where all the anger comes from and that saddens me the most. He agreed to go to counseling so yesterday was our first session together. I've never been before so I didnt know what to expect, I honestly wouldnt even know if our therapist is good or not, The therapist didnt say much at all just listened to us talk about our long list of issues, we did a good deal of arguing... It was revealed that my husband simply "went along" with many things in our marriage basically so he wouldnt have to deal with them (having children included!!!!!) he said he recongnizes whats wrong, what I need, what we need to work on, but told me on the ride home that he doesn't think he will be able to change. (he tends to give up rather than face issues)

I want to believe that we can turn this around but we are both very stubborn and I don't see how we can compromise on one of the larger issues of having children since it requires a huge lifelong commitment and neither of us wants to resent the other for making the decision one way or the other. Of course from my perspective time is of importance since I may not have very many years left to begin having children. Separation was brought up but we wanted to go to couseling first, I feel that if we separate then any chance to resolve this will be lost. At this point we are co-existing, there is no intimacy and I'm fearful that its just simply too late. I'm devastated because I've always believed marriage to be sacred and obviously envisioned things to work out differently. Im also conflicted because as much as I love my husband I know I may have to compromise some but then feel why shouldnt I have the life I really want (with or without him) and then guilt sets in, I now find myself emotionally unstable and having a very difficult time coping with something completely out of my control at this point.