amaysngrace Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I have a problem, not a big problem, but I really don't know what to do. I have a BF whom I love dearly. He totally rocks my world. I also have this guy who lives in California who is just a friend now but would probably be more than a friend if he lived closer. Cali knows about BF and BF knows about Cali. Cali called me about a month ago to wish me happy new year. We spoke for about 15 minutes and TBH I was happy to hear from him. Until he told me he didn't want to interfere with my "little relationship" as he put it. That kind of got to me, the way that he said it. Cali called the next day to tell me it was great talking to me. I never called back. Yesterday Cali called again. I ignored the call. Didn't listen to the message so never returned the call either. I have a feeling Cali is lonely. And that's why he's calling. I feel like I am being rude to not speak to him but it seems he disrespects my relationship by his snide remarks and the phone calls. I want him to leave me alone in a way and in a way I want to keep him as a friend. I could see us having a future together if my BF and I don't work out. He pisses off my BF. BF says he has no respect for this guy who is trying to interfere with another guy's GF. He wants him to leave me alone. I will honor what my BF wants because it's really no big deal to me if I speak to this guy or not. But I don't want to be harsh to him either. I don't like ignoring him. So is there a tactful way to say what needs to be said? Should I just say nothing like I've been doing? If anybody has any ideas on what you would say to this guy, please help me. Thanks.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Be honest. Tell him that you don't mean to hurt his feelings but there really is no friendship because he has no respect for your relationship, let alone he is being pissy and negative about your BF, so let him know that if he can't be nice and supportive, you don't need his friendship PERIOD. What purpose does he bring into your life right now? Other than being a pain in the ass and saying stupid things that push your buttons?
Cobra_X30 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 He pisses off my BF. BF says he has no respect for this guy who is trying to interfere with another guy's GF. He wants him to leave me alone. First, keeping a guy hanging around as a backup plan is disrespectful to your BF, and you know it... so why try to do it? Second, Cali guy is a jerkoff. Why would you even consider a passive aggressive weenie like that anyway? The best step is to tell the guy that based on what he said... you don't feel like he respects your current relationship and that you don't want that kind of negativity in your life at this time. Then just don't take no for an answer as he tries to backpedal and explain.
Author amaysngrace Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Be honest. Tell him that you don't mean to hurt his feelings but there really is no friendship because he has no respect for your relationship, let alone he is being pissy and negative about your BF, so let him know that if he can't be nice and supportive, you don't need his friendship PERIOD. I do think of him as a friend though. We come from the same place and know a lot of the same people. My mom loves this guy. She thinks he's a doll. I would love to be with someone my mom loved. That'd be a first for me. But in a way I feel like he's the devil in disguise, tempting me and rocking my relationship. I'm not sure if it's because my BF is so dead set against us being friends or what but I feel like speaking to him is just dancing with the devil. If that makes sense. I never think of this guy, or very rarely think of him, until he calls and then he's on my mind again. First, keeping a guy hanging around as a backup plan is disrespectful to your BF, and you know it... so why try to do it? Second, Cali guy is a jerkoff. Why would you even consider a passive aggressive weenie like that anyway? The best step is to tell the guy that based on what he said... you don't feel like he respects your current relationship and that you don't want that kind of negativity in your life at this time. Then just don't take no for an answer as he tries to backpedal and explain. He's not even in the same ballpark as my BF. My BF has proven how much he cares about me time and time again. But sometimes I think that my BF's opinion is having an influence on my own. He and I are friends...so what? My BF has a close female friend he went out with for four years. I don't have a problem with it. And they have a much longer history than me and this guy do. They have a longer history than my BF and I do. It seems a little controlling to me to have to give up a friendship to appease my BF. Maybe he's out of line for suggesting it in the first place. I wouldn't put those demands on him. I really don't know what to think.
Pyro Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I have a problem, not a big problem, but I really don't know what to do. I have a BF whom I love dearly. He totally rocks my world. I also have this guy who lives in California who is just a friend now but would probably be more than a friend if he lived closer. Cali knows about BF and BF knows about Cali. Cali called me about a month ago to wish me happy new year. We spoke for about 15 minutes and TBH I was happy to hear from him. Until he told me he didn't want to interfere with my "little relationship" as he put it. That kind of got to me, the way that he said it. Cali called the next day to tell me it was great talking to me. I never called back. Yesterday Cali called again. I ignored the call. Didn't listen to the message so never returned the call either. I have a feeling Cali is lonely. And that's why he's calling. I feel like I am being rude to not speak to him but it seems he disrespects my relationship by his snide remarks and the phone calls. I want him to leave me alone in a way and in a way I want to keep him as a friend. I could see us having a future together if my BF and I don't work out. He pisses off my BF. BF says he has no respect for this guy who is trying to interfere with another guy's GF. He wants him to leave me alone. I will honor what my BF wants because it's really no big deal to me if I speak to this guy or not. But I don't want to be harsh to him either. I don't like ignoring him. So is there a tactful way to say what needs to be said? Should I just say nothing like I've been doing? If anybody has any ideas on what you would say to this guy, please help me. Thanks. Cali guy sounds a bit cocky if you ask me. (No offense to our own Caliguy here on LS) Cali guy sounds like trouble in many ways, so I think you should just stop talking to him. If you and your BF don't last, then call him then if you'd like, but don't talk to him as long as you are with your BF.
Author amaysngrace Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Cali guy sounds a bit cocky if you ask me. (No offense to our own Caliguy here on LS) But it is our own Caliguy here on LS....j/k I want to do the right thing. Shouldn't I tell my BF to stop talking to his former love then? Wouldn't that be fair? I so cannot do that. That's not me at all. But I don't have a problem with him speaking to her. It's my BFs insecurity. He's being childish. (I'm having a debate with myself inside my head)
Pyro Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 But it is our own Caliguy here on LS....j/k...I wish..... I want to do the right thing. Shouldn't I tell my BF to stop talking to his former love then? Wouldn't that be fair? I so cannot do that. That's not me at all. But I don't have a problem with him speaking to her. It's my BFs insecurity. He's being childish. (I'm having a debate with myself inside my head) Does his former love ridicule your relationship? Its obvious that Cali guy is jealous and is not happy for you. Why would you be friends with someone who doesn't value your relationship with your BF?
Author amaysngrace Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Does his former love ridicule your relationship? Its obvious that Cali guy is jealous and is not happy for you. Why would you be friends with someone who doesn't value your relationship with your BF? She probed him last time they spoke. She asked "Is she marriage material?" I think that's a little disrespectful. She's making him think. I don't think Cali is jealous. If he were he'd get on a plane and get his butt up here. I just think he's lonely maybe. I hate that I haven't returned his call. I have to call him if it's only to let me lay off the guilt. I'm just not sure what to say.
Pyro Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 She probed him last time they spoke. She asked "Is she marriage material?" I think that's a little disrespectful. She's making him think. I don't think Cali is jealous. If he were he'd get on a plane and get his butt up here. I just think he's lonely maybe. I hate that I haven't returned his call. I have to call him if it's only to let me lay off the guilt. I'm just not sure what to say. You are correct. That is disrespectful. Honestly I don't blame your BF for not wanting you to talk to Cali guy. He doesn't sound like a true friend to me.
blind_otter Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Why not just establish some boundaries? Ask Cali to stop referring to your relationship with your BF.
Pyro Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Why not just establish some boundaries? Ask Cali to stop referring to your relationship with your BF. Even better.
oppath Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 It's slightly off topic, but have you met your bf's ex girlfriend? How often do they speak? When did their relationship end? Do you feel like it is over on her end? There is a difference there...if your bf senses that Cali guy has interest in you, but it is definitively over with him and his ex, it is fundamentally different. Your bf perceives this guy as a threat. Well, you admit that if you were single and living in the same place you'd probably date him. Therefore, it is wise to limit your interactions with him and it's not irrational for your bf to be a little uncomfortable. I think a passive approach in this situation is ok. What level of contact would you be comfortable? A call every two months? There is nothing wrong with waiting to call him back. If he is calling you weekly, that is a problem in your relationship. More sparse is not an issue. Really, it sounds like you are just anxious because you think you have to hurt this guys feelings somehow. If you don't want to call back for 1-2 weeks, don't call back. It doesn't make you a bad person. If he says something in the future that disrespects your relationship, tell him "that disrespects me and I'm offended." If he doesn't say "I am sorry," then you know how good of a fried he really is.
Author amaysngrace Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Honestly I don't blame your BF for not wanting you to talk to Cali guy. He doesn't sound like a true friend to me. I think that's a guy thing. Competitive macho BS if you ask me. Why not just establish some boundaries? Ask Cali to stop referring to your relationship with your BF. Yeah that's what I'm thinking of doing. I can call Cali and see what's up and if he brings up my relationship I will lay down the law. I don't know though, I still feel like I'm dissing my BF by maintaining a friendship with this guy. And I don't want to give up the friendship because I don't want to give up the friendship and it's ultimately my decision to make. I feel like I'm being controlled by my BF when he tells me it's wrong to be friends with this guy. I don't see it as wrong. No more wrong than him having female friends. Why can't BF just be okay with it?
oppath Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I I feel like I'm being controlled by my BF when he tells me it's wrong to be friends with this guy. I don't see it as wrong. No more wrong than him having female friends. Why can't BF just be okay with it? Let's reframe this. It's not wrong to be friends with him, but it does make your boyfriend a little uncomfortable. Is there anything you can do about the situation -- i.e. boundaries -- to ease his discomfort? It sounds like you understand how your bf could be uncomfortable, you just object to the notion you have to cut him out of your life. Isn't there a spectrum of options, with that at one extreme end?
Pyro Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I think that's a guy thing. Competitive macho BS if you ask me. Never thought of it like that. I'm hosed on this one. BO and Oppath know what they are talking about. I agree with them.
Author amaysngrace Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 If he says something in the future that disrespects your relationship, tell him "that disrespects me and I'm offended." If he doesn't say "I am sorry," then you know how good of a fried he really is. You ask good questions. He went out with her before he got married so obviously she isn't marriage material as she puts it. She started hanging around him when he was going through his divorce and she was there for him a lot during that time. He met me and then he completely cut her off. He says they are more like brother and sister now but she sure seems to come sniffing around more than a sister should. But here's the thing...my BF calls her too. I don't ever call this guy but now I feel like I need to because how many times can I keep blowing him off? That's just rude. That's good advice on what to say. I really don't want to stop communicating with the guy because I feel like I'm being forced to. I really hate that controlling feeling.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 He's not even in the same ballpark as my BF. My BF has proven how much he cares about me time and time again. But sometimes I think that my BF's opinion is having an influence on my own. He and I are friends...so what? My BF has a close female friend he went out with for four years. I don't have a problem with it. And they have a much longer history than me and this guy do. They have a longer history than my BF and I do. It seems a little controlling to me to have to give up a friendship to appease my BF. Maybe he's out of line for suggesting it in the first place. I wouldn't put those demands on him. I really don't know what to think. Well, I just caught up on the thread. Here is the point. You need to do what is right, because it's right. Nobody should have to tell you to do this, and it doesn't have to be fair. The first grade was long ago! You should not have to tell your BF what to do. Personally, I'd say he should drop this female friend, but that's beyond the scope of this thread. Jealousy wars are typically counter productive. Honestly, it sounds like Cali guy is a threat to your relationship, due to the fact that you are both interested in one another. Combined with the fact that he doesn't respect your BF or R.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 But in a way I feel like he's the devil in disguise, tempting me and rocking my relationship And this is the main reason why you cannot have him in your life. It isn't fair to your boyfriend, because you are secretly waiting for your relationship to fall apart so you can go be with him. History or not, your mom liking him or not, HE is not a person who can serve you well in your life, atleast not now. He brings temptation, and makes you not focus on your own boyfriend.
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