ThumbingMyWay Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 hello don’t post much anymore, but I wanted to write this down. WWIU, Ladyjane….she had another “A-HA” moment….a good one at that and it couldnt have come at a better time. Since mid December, my wife and I were on what I would call a down trend. Not a lot of communication, little sex, little affection, arguments, stubbornness, etc. She has been having trouble at work, mostly personality issues and she went off of Lexipro (which to do that in the winter was a bad choice) I have been trying to find a way to express my feelings of neglect and tension, but didn’t find a good opp to do so yet. Well, last night my wife met some friends after school. While there she saw a friend of a friend. A MW. She talked to her briefly, simple hellos since they aren’t close friends, more of I know you type of thing. Anyway, she saw this MW flirting, dancing, kissing up a guy, who was not her husband. This guy is also married. We know this because one of the divorced friends she actually went there to meet, was also having a fling with this MH, but it has fizzed out and now this MH is with this other MW My wife stayed for a while, but decided to leave. She said she was looking at this MW kissing up on this MH and then she saw them leave together. It disgusted her, so she decided to leave and come home. When she got home, she told me, it was like she had a vision of WTF is going on here. The one friend was with a MH, then it fizzles, then this acquaintance is now with this MH She just saw things as they were…..selfish people cheating on there spouse. And it made her sad, mad, disgusted. She came home and said it brought back bad memories of what she did, and how she believed the MH she was having an affair with. She was upset and told me again she is so sorry for what she did and how thankful she is that I stayed with her and worked it out. She acknowledge her neglect of me sexually and said she again understands that husbands need sex. She said she loves sex, but doesn’t always need it like I do. She acknowledge that this is something I NEED to affirm our love and companionship. She was sorry that she has neglected me. She is thankfull that she has a husabdn that WANTS her, LOVES her and is respectful and puts his kids and wife first and is not selfish. She is thankfull that we can communicate our feelings and regain closeness. And it couldn’t have come at a better time, considering I was feeling the way I was and she expressed her feelings. So everything I wanted to talk about with her….she felt already and admitted to it and I didn’t even have to bring it up. It was a great relief for me…..the issues I have been having went away and I didn’t even have to say anything, she brought it up One of the things I think she is finally starting to SEE, is the selfishness in this world. She sees these married women and men cheating and having been on that side, she can finally SEE how selfish she was for doing it too. She said, I hope to God, that I (me) don’t ever cheat. She sees these men and knowing what her exMH told her and how he manipulated her to get what he wanted and it just disgusts her. She has everything right here in her marriage and she is mad that she went out of the vows to get something else. She said, she has it good and she took adventage of it. She see these other woman cheating and having there MOMENT of fun and excitement….but being on the other side now, she knows the aftermath. And these woman have no clue the hurt they will cause to there husbands and family when they get caught Seeing the selfishness in the world….taking the blinders off and actually seeing it. Happened to me 3 years ago and now she finally sees it now. She started teaching Sunday school and I believe that has helped her SEE the world in a different view Its not about HER. Its about what we as humans can do for others. All these innocent kids, parents and family…..all taken for granted for selfish enjoyment. She said seeing what she saw last night, really made her think about life and what she has She also said, she don’t want to be that person ever again. We also taked about this MW’s husband. We will see them someday. And I told her. Knowing what you know now, it will be painfull to look in her husbands eyes knowing the pain she caused me, he too will feel when his wife gets caught. And we cant say anything about it My wife will see this MW this weekend at a party. Spose to be a couples thing, but I really don’t feel like hanging with this group. I wonder if this MW will say anything to my wife, like hey, keep it to yourself. Knowing my wife, she will tell her how it is, tell her what she did and tell her, if she is ever asked, she wont lie to her husband. People cheating don’t SEE the otherside, until they are there, and then it might be too late so, she had another A-HA moment and it felt good for me to hear it. She has turned another corner for the good anyway….she wanted me to tell Ladyjane and Whichway that shes gets it....it was reaffirmed again thanks for listening 1
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 That's great Thumbs. She's definatley learned alot from her mistakes and BOTH of you have worked really hard through those rough times. I'm really happy for you, and for your wife! Tell her I'm proud of her too! (OH and let her know YOGA daily brisk walks will help her feel better) Check your PM shortly..
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Not many people stand back and observes their surroundings! good for her she had that moment of clarity!!!
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Not many people stand back and observes their surroundings! good for her she had that moment of clarity!!! no people cant....I am glad I can though. But sometimes, its hard. Almost like I feel like an outsider and dont fit in. I have my momments of hyprocrisy, as everyone does. but in the end...I still know its not about ME.....theres more than just ME in this world. I got an inner voice that keeps me in check....and I listen....thats the difference. my daughter has it too. last night she didnt get a treat, simply because she was on the computer and me and my son were up stairs and I gave him a treat. well bed time came around and she asked if G had a treat, I said no (yes lying to save drama). Of course he said , yes I did. She got made and ran to bed crying. i went in and reminded her off all the times she got somthing and i told her to not brag to her brother. About 30 mins she came out to say sorry....thats the voice I am talking about...
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 In my last post about my wife having an ‘A-HA" moment I mentioned she was going to a party this past Sat night. Now the other married wife I mentioned my wife saw in the post above, was not at the party…….but….there was drama none the less…. Now the host of the party, is one of the 3 couples in our group of friends that got divorced. She is the one that my wife and I limited our involvement with over the last 4 years because the path she was on was not contusive to were we wanted to go as a healthy married couple. She is the one that started an affair with a married man. A typical bad boy type in the pure definition. Her husband has since moved on and is now engaged to another mutal friend that got divorced too. A friend who was his wifes good friend….weird situation I know….basically the group of friends have taken sides. Some with her and some with husband. My wife and I have stayed neutral on the matter. still friends with both of them. Any way, she left her husband. A typical Good Guy. For reasons being not enough affection, attention and sex was boring and she basically wasn’t not inlove with him anymore. So she did what most cheaters do. She cheats FIRST, then leaves for the affair partner instead of leaving on her own and figuring out her crap before she shacks up with another man. Anyway. The divorce was final well over a year ago and she has been with bad boy guy ever since. In that time, they have gotten engaged, but she don’t were the ring and often says she aint marring him. He also sold his house and now lives with her. Over time, my wife and I have heard some bad stories about there relationship. He is a flirt and rumors are that he has cheated on her a few times. Also heard stories of them fist fighting at the bars and what not. Then about 3 weeks ago when we saw her at a mutual friends sons bday, we saw that she had a black eye. She said that she was drunk and tripped down the stairs????. OK I know how she is…gets drunk a lot and I could see it happening. But, in the back of my mind, I think, the stairs have carpet and so does the landing in the basement. So unless she hit the railing just right or something at bottom of stairs….so I had some suspicion if this was the truth. Anyway, at this party I guess she had a huge blowout with one of her friends, her sister and her badboy fiancé. Fighting, throwing stuff, telling everyone she is sick of this crap and for people to get out of her house. My wife witnessed it all. Witnessed what I call her self destruction in person. Prior to this, my wife has told by her friend, she is sick of him, doesn’t like him and regrets everything she has done, is still unhappy and is sick of the way her life has turned. She said she knows she needs to stop drinking, she needs to slow down, she needs to get rid of him, so on and so on. But she don’t know what to do. She is mad at what she did to her exhusband and her life. She regrets it all. but she don’t know what to do now. In the last few days I have been emailing a mutual friend who was also there. She told me the truth about the black eye. She said that badboy cold cocked her, she didn’t fall down the stairs. And she assumes it was provoked given the toxic relationship they have. regardless, she was hit by him. So here she is. Left a good man for a bad boy because he paid attention to her, is the best sex she ever had, etc…. And now that she is in this life, she don’t like it anymore. She lost a good person and has no recourse to amend with exH because he has moved on. She now has a loser fiancé who beats her. OH but it’s the best sexually partner I ever had, and he pays attention to me, balh blah blah. So I guess what I am saying is. She traded in her loveless, boring sex marriage for this? Now that she is on the other side of the fence, the grass is definitely NOT greener. She has continued on the train wreck for the last 2 years and it just keeps rolling and rolling….sad to see, but what can I do about it. I feel sorry for her, but these are the consequences of her choices. My wife told her over and over, "you are making a mistake, I have been there, the grass isn’t greener. You cheated with a cheater and you expect things to change, it don’t always work that way." My wife and I are staying out of it, but I sure hope she wakes up and makes some life decisions to leave this new guy, fix her self for herself and her kids. SO….this party was another A-HA moment from my wife. She is so glad she choose a different path. She told this woman over and over….but she didn’t listen. You reap what you sow. And only she can make the change to get out of this bad relationship. too much drama for me…..we cant get involved…I saw this coming years ago….but who am I, what do I know. Well I know a lot and I knew it would come to this….but no one wanted to hear it…..everyone wants to tiptoe around it…..and know that hindsight is here….people see what I saw years ago.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Sounds like she needs to find herself, get to therapy and change her life in every way. Tough lesson to learn. She's lost everything and most of all, she's lost herself..
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 Sounds like she needs to find herself, get to therapy and change her life in every way. Tough lesson to learn. She's lost everything and most of all, she's lost herself.. yes she has part of me wants to give her a big hug and help her and counsel her and another part wants to see her reap what she sows. i say this becuase she has, over the years disrepected me, my wife, her husband of course etc, and I wrote her off years ago, but we still assocaite sometimes. I am torn, its not my place to get involved, but I know my wife and I could be a support outlet for her, but until I see some GENIUNE remorse, GENUINE humbleness, I cant put forth the effort. She needs to do this for herself. I had my trials to endure and I had to dig deep to get to a better place. And so does she.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 yes she has part of me wants to give her a big hug and help her and counsel her and another part wants to see her reap what she sows. i say this becuase she has, over the years disrepected me, my wife, her husband of course etc, and I wrote her off years ago, but we still assocaite sometimes. I am torn, its not my place to get involved, but I know my wife and I could be a support outlet for her, but until I see some GENIUNE remorse, GENUINE humbleness, I cant put forth the effort. She needs to do this for herself. I had my trials to endure and I had to dig deep to get to a better place. And so does she. Don't even think about it! Why would you provide comfort for such a person? That's sick. I don't support the idea of staying neutral either. Let her have the drama she craves in her life. Any emotional support you give disrespects her xH and fuels her fire.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 anyway….she wanted me to tell Ladyjane and Whichway that shes gets it....it was reaffirmed again I'm so happy to hear that, Thumbs. You know, time is a wonderful healer. It allows emotions to settle down, and once the heat is off, it allows for new perspectives. And all that works even better when we balance it with a promise to ourselves that we never again allow complacency to reenter the relationship. Pass along an "Atta-girl!" to the Mrs. for me.
Lovelybird Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 (edited) Beautiful thread ! your thread proves the things I believe and increased my faith, thanks Good for you and best wishes Edited February 23, 2008 by Lovelybird
Woggle Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 It's good that your wife realized her mistakes before it was too late. I do believe people can change and if she genuinly has then more power to her. As for the other woman you described I know this sounds cold but I honest to god don't feel sympathy for women like that. They get themselves into these situations then when it blows up in their face they wonder why. It's sad but you play with snakes and you get bit.
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