Breakup harder then loss by death.

[bemovinon]

If you ask me breakups are so much harder then separation by death. Because you still have hope, because you still have to see that person from time to time and because there is that slight chance that they will come to their senses. In death, there is grieving and letting go.

 

So what I tell my clients and what I've done myself and am still doing 3 weeks into my breakup (HA As of today):

 

1. Burn all cards, letters and photos

2. Sit and write a letter to that person of all the things you feel, want to say that was left unsaid or that you think they didn't hear or get. Tell them where you went wrong, where you think they went wrong and what you are dying to change. Let it all out, cry, scream, rage, VENT!!!

 

Then BURN IT. Don't send it, Read it back to yourself and BURN IT.

 

3. When you begin to feel edgy (which may be for months) Write another letter and burn it.

 

4. Keep a journal of how you feel AFTER you write the letter. Then you can track your progress.

 

5. Write affirmations daily in AM and PM like =

 

I am healthy, optimistic and completely in control of my life and emotions.

I am attracting the love that I desire that is healthy, stable and lasting.

etc etc

 

6. If you need more - Get a jar, buy some marbles. For every day that passes put a marble in the jar. When you get sad, lonely, weak, look at the jar and remember you're getting your marbles back one by one.

 

7. Write goals for yourself and start taking action. Focusing on achieving something will distract your mind and quiet the chatter from the hurt and in the end you'll feel better. I'm using workout goals and business goals along with a trip to Hawaii in October to distract.

 

This won't magically make it better but it will help to burn off the energy that is remaining and every day is easier.

 

I like that I'm getting my marbles back..... for a while there I surely had none left and my head seems to be fighting this and I think my body must know it's pointless cuz after the no sleep, no food deal my body is kicking into survival mode. I am happily sleeping and eating again.

 

For me it's hard cuz daily I have to talk to people about their relationship issues and it triggers my memories instantly. Helping others helps me too though.

 

My best friend did the most awesome thing last week for me. She left her hubby and kids at home and came over in jammies, hopped into bed with me and watched movies, smoked cigs and ate ice cream and put up with my ranting, crying and craziness. THATS LOVE!!!!

 

The POINT OF POWER IS IN THE PRESENT. I think while grieving sometimes we miss so much of what is happening now and that is sad.

 

Blessings to all of you........... Feeling less crazy today

[blind_otter]

Pardon me, but I think losing a loved one to death is much more painful than merely breaking up with someone.

 

When someone dies you lose them forever. You don't know where they go or what happens to them, if ANYTHING happens to them.

 

Even with boyfriends I've broken up with, I'm happy that they are still alive and that they have the chance to find happiness with someone else. Maybe I'm just unselfish like that.

 

But I HARDLY think break ups and death are comparable. Obviously you have never lost someone who you were very close to.

[bemovinon]

Obviously you have never lost someone who you were very close to.

 

I actually have lost a boyfriend through death. I've lost a couple of friends that way too. It was hard for sure but so much more final. As for beliefs, I believe in the after life so I feel they go onto a better place then here.

 

Sorry if I offended you.

 

The thing is when someone dies you mourn them and know they aren't coming back. When a relationship ends and that person comes and goes it isn't final. The hope is still there. They still say I love you, I miss you but don't necessarily come back in a way that works.

[sandflea]

Most psychologists will tell you that divorce ranks second to death in terms of stress and heartache. It is a very similar experience - one of loss, grief, shock and sadness. Of course, in a breakup it can be harder because this person that you loved dearly made a decision to leave you - so there can be a sense of betrayal as well.

[bemovinon]

Death is shocking and very hard to accept. However, when someone you love dies you aren't sitting at home expecting a text, a phone call or reunion possibility. It isn't because of something you said, did or didn't do. Yes it's hard to deal with I've been there too. But I can say by my own experience it wasn't as hurtful as a breakup. Especially considering my ex and past ex's has tried to reunite and it adds an element of hope and waiting that isn't there when you lose someone in death.

 

There is not the wondering why they left you. There isn't the ache of wondering how they moved on so quickly. There isn't the mind chatter of maybe he'll call and remember our love. None of it. There is only grieving and acceptance of the situation as it can't be changed.

 

I am by no means saying I wish him death. I wish him life and happiness. But I also wish him to get his things from my home and not tell me how much he thinks it was a mistake but can't take it back and isn't willing to work on it. The break was impulsive as many of his choices are and no matter that he regrets it, since he isn't willing to get help in controlling his impulses and other issues all I ask is "let me go to live my life and let's do it clean".

[Art_Critic]

It isn't because of something you said, did or didn't do. Yes it's hard to deal with I've been there too. But I can say by my own experience it wasn't as hurtful as a breakup.

 

there isn't a single breakup in my dating history or even the loss of my marriage that could equate with the pain of losing my father to lung cancer.. then 15 years later losing my step mother to lung cancer...

 

there isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss my parents.. or still feel some of the pain...

 

I don't miss my ex wife or any of my previous GF's from the last 25 or so years but in 3 weeks my wife will have our first son.. and part of my parents are not going to to be there to see that.. ( my dad and step mother and all of my grandparents )

That is pain that continues on..unlike a BF-GF deal...

 

 

IMO.. the 2 are not even comparable or even in the same league..

[Lyssa]

IMO.. the 2 are not even comparable or even in the same league..

 

Not even close in the same league!!

 

I don't think any break up can compare to the loss of my mother! Even when my best friend died of car accident, it was harder for me to accept than the break up of an ex just a few weeks before the accident!!!

[bemovinon]

I'm not comparing it to the loss of a family member. I'm comparing it to the loss of a partner and only that. And no it doesn't compare, those ties are life long and are different.

 

It was only IMO that by my experience losing a partner who you love by being dumped it harder to accept and move on from, then when they are separated by death.

 

AGAIN NOT COMPARING TO LOSING A PARENT or A CHILD. My point was the hope that remains is devastating and can keep you stuck for months if not years.

[Lyssa]

I'm just saying that death and a break up - that is just something you can't compare with. Be it a parent, friend or lover. Hey then again, that's just me.

[Art_Critic]

It was only IMO that by my experience losing a partner who you love by being dumped it harder to accept and move on from, then when they are separated by death.

 

Might that be because death is final and dumpees don't see the breakup as final.. they continue to want the person back so they continue to feel the pain..They do the what if's.. There are no what if's with death....

 

They practice what I would call a self defeating attitude...

 

If you learn to consider a breakup as final then moving on is easier and so is the pain...

[sandflea]

I'm not comparing it to the loss of a family member. I'm comparing it to the loss of a partner and only that. And no it doesn't compare, those ties are life long and are different.

 

It was only IMO that by my experience losing a partner who you love by being dumped it harder to accept and move on from, then when they are separated by death.

 

AGAIN NOT COMPARING TO LOSING A PARENT or A CHILD. My point was the hope that remains is devastating and can keep you stuck for months if not years.

 

bemovinon - you don't need to excuse your feelings on this forum. What you feel is what you feel - without qualifications or explanations required. Pain is pain.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Put his things somewhere you don't have to see them every day, re-organize and fix up your place, and I'll bet things will start to look up.

 

SF

[Replicant]

My point was the hope that remains is devastating and can keep you stuck for months if not years.

 

I agree with previous posters, in that losing a relationship is not anywhere on par with losing someone close whom has died.

 

Sure the two have their similar stages of coping with a loss, but it seems more like you hold onto false hope for far too long out of desperation instead of putting such behind you and moving forward onto someone new/happiness whom is worth it, instead of pining away for months...years etc. Manifesting the pain continually.

 

Also the average length of such relationships does not even equate to the amount of time in your life spent with close family members and their meaning and place in your life.

[Art_Critic]

Bemovinon.. Breakups can be heart wrenching.. that is for sure..

LS wouldn't be here if that wasn't the case..

 

I found my way to LS because my heart was hurting and I was looking for a way to repair the hurt.. and for a way to get the girl back into my life.

 

I'm so glad today that I didn't get her back.. As I'm soo in love with my wife who I wouldn't have found if the exgf had come back...

 

Things happen for a reason.. even the hurt is there for a reason.. breakup hurt shows you that you are alive.. that you are capable of love.. and it pushes you to grow.. to become a new person...

[whichwayisup]

When a relationship ends and that person comes and goes it isn't final

 

Then you need to make it final and take control.

 

Sorry but I agree with B_O, and it isn't fair to compare the loss of a loved one to a break up. Yes, it's FINAL in one sense, but with that being said, there is no real comparion in the feelings of losing someone you love to death, especially if it's a spouse or a long term partner.

[latefragment]

you sound like you're going through a lot. me too. at this moment I am in a great deal of pain over something that happened a few days ago. I am deeply struggling to accept it's over.

 

at the risk of getting flamed, or being called twisted, I would actually agree with you - that, on a hypothetical level, losing a boyfriend with finality - (he's really never coming back - and he didn't leave because he chose to) - would be easier to deal with than the thought that -- maybe he left because I did something wrong, maybe he'll come back and realize how much he loved me. I hope he will call me soon, etc. etc. Should I try and talk to him again? All those endless questions - the answer is 99% of the time NO, but that 1% of time the answer is YES and that is what can drive one crazy.

 

That endless mind chatter, that low-level questioning, and hating yourself, for everything you did that contributed (whether or not it really mattered) can go on for a long, long time. At times I feel such fondness for him, but feeling that fondness brings great pain, then I hate myself for my part in it, then I hate everything, etc. Why not just mourn the loss of the person who, as far as you know, loved you until the day they died? There is the element of abandonment with death but not so much the element of rejection.

 

I can only think of how heartbreaking it must be to lose a partner to suicide. Oh, the heartache! The what ifs? Plaguing forever.

 

Depressing thoughts indeed.

[bemovinon]

Thanks late. I am struggling still wanting the finality. Wanting him to get his things. Not wanting to wait for closure. Yes it's easy to say close it yourself, well the last time he left for six weeks he left things to have the ability to come back and he just tried half ass last week. So the closure has not come and the small (very small) hope of something changing to save it is creating endless chatter in my head and creating too many questions.

 

I asked him 2 weeks ago to take it all within a week. Didn't happen. when he came for some last Saturday he was crying and telling me he loves me and misses me. I am not trying to get him back. I have not called him, initiated a conversation, nothing. I let him go with love and told him I understand, which I do to a point. But 3 weeks ago he was shopping for engagement rings and writing me love letters, we booked a vacation that I am taking alone next week. My hope is that at least by the time I return from vacation he will have it all out. I live in a small town and can't bring myself to going out and running into him. My point was being able to grieve without any hope no matter how silly it is to have.

 

Time will heal it that I know.

[Always Wrong]

Hello bemovinon, I understand what you meant.

 

Many of us have suffered and still are suffering from the grief associated with loss.

Many of us are defensive about this subject, especially when we feel someone is saying their suffering is/was worse than ours in relation to one event or another.

 

I believe we are confusing the amount of pain/grief felt associated with various events, with the time it takes to recover and resume our normal lives.

 

The pain associated with the death of a loved one is undoubtedly the most severe.

But the time it takes to recover is in most cases shorter because of the finality of the event.

 

I understood what you meant by the breakup being worse, in that we get stuck in the "Barganing" phase of the recovery process. Ruminating/contemplating about what could have been done to prevent the breakup stalls the recovery process, as do many other variables, thereby making it seem worse.

 

My heart goes out to everyone here for all of the painful events we've suffered and are still suffering from. This forum has motivated me to research ideas and thought processes I never would have considered on my own, thereby leading me to a better understanding of myself and others.

 

During this educational experience I have discovered my ability to structure thoughts on paper far exceeds my competence to communicate them verbally. This medium has enriched my understanding of our human condition, and it's treads like yours and many others that have rekindled my desire for knowledge and the comfort that arrives with realization.

 

My hopes for your passage to acceptance and future happiness are with you.

Sincerely, AW

Edited February 8, 2008 by Always Wrong

[cant let go]

speaking as someone who can relate on many levels here... i happen to see the validity in all claims.

 

i lost my father almost 7 years ago suddenly. he died in his sleep and he was young (46). there were no warnings, no goodbyes. i was in a state of denial. i had dreams that he was still alive. from time to time i will still have one of these dreams. dreams that he had never really died he had just run off somewhere and then decided to come back.

 

even in our sub-conscious we still harbor these feelings of hope, even when it is something physically impossible in this world. The pain of that loss was hard. But the coping was easier. It is much easier to accept something that we KNOW was out of our control. once acceptance sets in you can come to a sense of peace.

 

my peace came in believing that even though he had left the physical world, he is always with me and anytime i need him i just ask for his help and i feel him watching over me.

 

the grief associated with the end of my relationship is much harder to move on from. i won't claim any comparison in the pain felt. the pain from my break-up is much too fresh in my mind for it to be fair. but i will say that the acceptance and the peace are much much harder to find when you feel like "if there was something i could have done differently". or "maybe he regrets it and wants to come back".

 

it is the hope...call it false hope... but it is the unknown that keeps us so long from accepting and moving on. it is knowing that he/she made the choice to walk away from your life. knowing that it was in someones control. knowing that maybe... just maybe they might miss you.

 

and if you and your ex are on good terms (as i am with mine)... if you know that your ex is a good person and there is no way to put anger towards them... you know that you still love them and you feel that you are still the same person that they once loved... well... how can you really blame yourself for holding hope.

 

sometimes i wish my ex WAS a jerk. i wish he would say mean things to me and tell me that he wants nothing to do with me. that would make it more final for me.

 

it's funny because just yesterday i discovered something that (if true) made me think that my ex was an ass. i assumed the worst...got really annoyed with him and then i casually asked him about it. turns out it wasn't true at all and just proved my point that he really is a wonderful guy. so of course... i fall in love with him just a little more.

[mental_traveller]

Death is much worse than breakups. In a breakup I'm glad afterwards that it's over. With death I'd really prefer it if they were still around.

[mental_traveller]

 

The thing is when someone dies you mourn them and know they aren't coming back. When a relationship ends and that person comes and goes it isn't final. The hope is still there. They still say I love you, I miss you but don't necessarily come back in a way that works.

 

The hope is not there if you have studied human relationships for a while, or are a bit older and more experienced. It is incredibly rare for second chances to work, therefore if you dump someone or they dump you, it's because you weren't meant to be. So hope and regrets make no sense - you are actually better off because now you are free to find someone more suitable.

 

P.S. even if death might feel better for you than being dumped, it sure as hell isn't better for the poor sap who died.

Edited February 9, 2008 by mental_traveller

[cant let go]

The hope is not there if you have studied human relationships for a while, or are a bit older and more experienced. It is incredibly rare for second chances to work, therefore if you dump someone or they dump you, it's because you weren't meant to be. So hope and regrets make no sense - you are actually better off because now you are free to find someone more suitable.

 

P.S. even if death might feel better for you than being dumped, it sure as hell isn't better for the poor sap who died.

 

mental,

 

you seem to have a very logical outlook on relationships... i'm not pointing fingers at a right or wrong... but most people don't deal with being dumped rationally. perhaps you are one of the lucky ones.

 

all relationships end for different reasons, and there are rare occasions when those reasons... may not make any sense after coming to some realizations after a break-up. Humans grow and change and learn to accept things that they may not have before. If love between two people never goes away... but circumstances and situations create a more suitable environment for their relationship...second chances do sometimes work.

 

it is that rare case that causes so many of us to harbor hope within... even if our cynical outer shell tries to suppress it.

 

 

 

Also, some believe that when people die they are taken to "a better place." it is those left on earth that suffer the loss, not the dead.

[Always Wrong]

mental,

 

you seem to have a very logical outlook on relationships... i'm not pointing fingers at a right or wrong... but most people don't deal with being dumped rationally. perhaps you are one of the lucky ones.

 

all relationships end for different reasons, and there are rare occasions when those reasons... may not make any sense after coming to some realizations after a break-up. Humans grow and change and learn to accept things that they may not have before. If love between two people never goes away... but circumstances and situations create a more suitable environment for their relationship...second chances do sometimes work.

 

it is that rare case that causes so many of us to harbor hope within... even if our cynical outer shell tries to suppress it.

 

 

 

Also, some believe that when people die they are taken to "a better place." it is those left on earth that suffer the loss, not the dead.

That was beautiful... I love reading posts like yours.

[cant let go]

That was beautiful... I love reading posts like yours.

 

(i wish there was a smiley for blushing) Thanks AW... that means a lot

[bustertypsy]

The hope is not there if you have studied human relationships for a while, or are a bit older and more experienced. It is incredibly rare for second chances to work, therefore if you dump someone or they dump you, it's because you weren't meant to be. So hope and regrets make no sense - you are actually better off because now you are free to find someone more suitable.

 

Mental-traveller

 

 

With respect this is pure rubbish in my opinion.Life is a learning process and we learn from our mistakes.It is what makes us better people.How do you know it is incredibly rare that second chances don't work?

I say if that was true,then divorce would probably be 75% of all marriages,instead of 50%.I hardly know a couple who haven't had their problems.I know many who have split up.It's the ones who split up and realise what they had,that end up happiest,because they experienced what life was,without their partner,and through that,got a wake up call.

So to come on and proclaim that second chances don't work is unfounded.

 

Maybe in your experience,but not as a rule.Three of my friends had problems with their partners.They all split up at some stage,but they are all together now,and happier for the experience.Relationships take work.If the weak one wants to walk away,than let them,but true love will always win through.Live and learn,love and learn,that's what I say.

[burning 4 revenge]

Of course, in a breakup it can be harder because this person that you loved dearly made a decision to leave you - so there can be a sense of betrayal as well.

Yes, its a rejection by someone who knew you completely