sveltskye Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 This is something I've been struggling with. I'm really trying to be mature and accept my breakup, but I can't help hoping and wishing that things might be different someday and we'll work it out again. It wasn't a very harsh break up, he did it very gently and kindly and I know he still cares for me a lot. Looking back at when I was rejected for the first time (by a different guy), I realized that I had a lot of false hopes... that some how I could change his mind by being persuasive, or extra caring, or he would just come to his senses and see the awesomeness that was me. I feel like I was a little delusional and that it wasn't healthy. So now I tend to feel guilty when I let myself hope that we could get back together. And when people say things to me like "Well, maybe you'll get back together" I feel guilty for letting myself wish it, or believe it. My sister said its not bad to have some hope, but I want to stay grounded and accept that what's going on is real and not set myself up for dissapointment or be too delusional. So, I guess I just want some wisdom. How do you deal with the inevitable wishful thinking right after you've been dumped? How do you know you've gone too far and need to get in touch with reality and give up that hope? How do you make decisions on how to be friends without basing them completely on that hope and turning into the person that won't let go?
Tomcat33 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Hi Sveltsky firstly I am really sorry you are hurting, breakups are so hard... I think what you described is not uncommon at ALL nor do I even think it is unnatural. The stages we all go through after a break up are pretty much in this order: denial/grief anger acceptance numbness That hope we all feel is part of our coping mechanism, the sorrow is so deep that the only way we can cope with the pain is to grasp on to hope. As the reality starts to set in we come to look at the situation with a more angry outlook because we feel rejected and dissillusioned but then once we purge all those emotions we start to accept things for what they are, we are broken up and it's time to move on. It is only at this point that we can actually see things for what they were and for what they are. So all that selfpitty turns into strength to make a better path for ourselves. And all that hope seems silly because we don't even want the same things we did at the early parts of the break up, anymore. Don't beat yourself up for what you are feeling now, it's natural and it's OK. It's all a process and it's supposed to go that way. Worry if you hang to that hope forever, then you are not progressing past the stages as you should.
bemovinon Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I just went thru a breakup 2 1/2 weeks ago for the 2nd time with the same person. Unfortunately neither time was for good reason or maybe it was. He came back after six weeks last time and all the while I knew he would come back. I did not contact him other then to forward his mail. Now its been almost 3 weeks of him moving out again and he has been back last thursday to talk to come back and I had only an hour to talk so asked him to come back later that night which he agreed to do. I had hope. Instead he called and cancelled and rescheduled for Sunday due to a headache (my feeling it was more like a hangover and friends swaying him). then Saturday calls to get some stuff and no conversation other then to say he was sorry he loved me and this was for the best since we tried 2x. Haven't heard from him since and 3/4 of his stuff is still here. I know he will try again at some point either before getting his things all out or soon after. Problem is the unhealthy pattern of running away has shown itself. I love him but am unwilling to accept his avoidance and wishy washy behavior. I have battled the last 3 weeks with hope of change, hope of return....blah blah blah. It hurts because I know he loves me too but some things aren't healthy and I keep telling myself that over and over while still hoping by some miracle he will get it and "GROW UP", dump his drunk and partying friends and return to the stable life we had. Him leaving his things here is a bit of a mind game too cuz thats what he did last time and when returning he said it gave him a way to hold on in some weird way. The only hope at this point in a break up I think is to hope in the future that one day hopefully soon, it won't hurt as much, i won't think about him every day and I will eventually find a healthy compatible partner for life.
Tomcat33 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 So How do you make decisions on how to be friends without basing them completely on that hope and turning into the person that won't let go? Sorry meant to comment on this and missed it, I dont think staying friends with someon you have one sided hope with is a good idea. I'll explain this: when you decide to stay friends it's in the hopes that by keeping them in your life even if is in a watered down version they will still change their mind but if they don't it is even harder to deal with the pain not to mention it sets you back immensely once he does decide to move on you have still been hanging on. SO the best way to ensure you don't turn out to be that person that won't let is to actually LET go. If it's meant that your paths will unite again you will find a way to connect again, but if he is telling you he wants to move on and you hang on the only person that you are going to hurt more is yourself. That is very dangerous, you can't be friends with the person that wants out...not for now at least or until you are emotionally stronger to withhold a friendship and nothing more, no hidden hopes or needs. Bemovinon: Yes it does get better, it gets much better I promise you that but you do need to give it time.
Author sveltskye Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Thank you for your input, Tomcat. I really appreciate it. I'm thinking I will take the friendship thing in baby steps, but he agreed that he wants to be friends too. He seemed very enthusiastic. Is it really a bad idea? I know lots of people who have remained friends with their exes.
lbj123 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I am in a situation right now where I am having a tough time handling being friends with my ex. It's know that its because I want things to work out between us as a couple. He genuinely seems interested in being my friend, but I find myself wondering why, if he cares about our friendship, tells me he is still ridiculously attracted to me, tells me how great and funny I am and how much he enjoys spending time with me, why he doesn't want us to be a couple. He puts in most of the effort, contacts me, and has been caring and interested in being in touch. I don't want for us to not be friends, but I also don't feel satisfied with only being friends. Its really hard. It seems so uneccessary to cut him out of my life, but I do admit that I've spent an awful lot of time thinking about him, wishing we could be together and hoping he'll turn around and want to give us another shot. I too, feel torn on how to proceed.
Tomcat33 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Thank you for your input, Tomcat. I really appreciate it. I'm thinking I will take the friendship thing in baby steps, but he agreed that he wants to be friends too. He seemed very enthusiastic. Is it really a bad idea? I know lots of people who have remained friends with their exes. you're welcome! I know it's hard!! of course he is enthusiastic what more could he possibly want? He gets to experience life without you and see what other women he can meet/date PLUS he still gets the emotional contact with you. I think it's a bad idea NOW since you both want something different. Being friends with exes is good but once you are both on equal ground in terms of what you want out of your relationhship. You are not on equal ground right now he wants out, you want to keep hanging on in the hopes that he might change his mind. So what happens when he doesn't change his mind? What happens when you find out he's met someone else and is happier than ever to go off and start this new and exciting relationship? What happens to you then? And most guys in these types of situations don't tell you as they go what they are planning, one day you think things are getting closer to working out between you guys the next day he drops the bomb "I met someone and I REALLY like her" and you are now "friends" so technically he can now talk to you like this because in his head you are cool with "only friends" too. SO when you lay it out to the worse case scenario who has more to lose? While he will be ready to embark on a new relationship you will be JUST trying to deal with the initial steps of the breakup...you see why this doesn't make sense? Of course this is WORSE case scenario, I am not saying it WILL pan out like this but when deciding if you should stay friends now, think of how you would handle the worse case, not the best.
Tomcat33 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I am in a situation right now where I am having a tough time handling being friends with my ex. It's know that its because I want things to work out between us as a couple. He genuinely seems interested in being my friend, but I find myself wondering why, if he cares about our friendship, tells me he is still ridiculously attracted to me, tells me how great and funny I am and how much he enjoys spending time with me, why he doesn't want us to be a couple. He puts in most of the effort, contacts me, and has been caring and interested in being in touch. I don't want for us to not be friends, but I also don't feel satisfied with only being friends. Its really hard. It seems so uneccessary to cut him out of my life, but I do admit that I've spent an awful lot of time thinking about him, wishing we could be together and hoping he'll turn around and want to give us another shot. I too, feel torn on how to proceed. Have you asked him why if all the above is there, he does not want to get back together?
sandflea Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I agree with TomCat - eventually friendship is fine, but while you're still feeling the loss it's probably not a good idea for YOU. I'm sure he wants to remain friends - doing so makes him feel better, and tends to make him feel less guilty. But for you, I'd say start out doing your own thing - don't call, email, text, etc. In general if I were you I'd be unavailable. If you just broke up, you may not really know the reasons behind this. And, if you see him with someone else, it might make "being friends" seem like a different kind of option. Stay strong, it'll get better. And, who knows what the future brings. But, no, I wouldn't invest a lot in hope at this point. You should be working on what's best for you, and if he doesn't want to be by your side any more, then he isn't. SF
lovesparis Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 i would like very much to know how to get rid of the hope, so if you find out, please let me know... i've been broken up w/ ex for 6months now (well 6mo tmw) and i still have hope that we'll get back together one day. i even have a date tmw, and i'm kind of excited, but if i think about ex, the hope is there. sveltskye, you seem to be very mature and well rounded with a good head on your shoulders... i wish you luck in finding the balance between acceptance and hope that you need.
Author sveltskye Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Thank you SO much for that, lovesparis. I am REALLY trying to be mature about this and do the best thing for me. I'm still really kind of sorting out how I want to deal with this. My birthday is at the end of the month and I really want him there with all of our mutual friends but I'm thinking it could be a terrible idea. We agreed not to talk for 3 weeks completely and I am definately considering not talking to him for longer than that. If I did invite him, I would try going out to coffee or something first to make sure that I could handle seeing him and it wouldn't ruin my party. I just hate the fact that I was really looking forward to having him, one of my best friends, there, and now if I don't invite him it won't come around for another year. Such bad timing for him to break up with me now.
stayc208 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 i would just gauge your feelings around the time of your birthday. It's probably good to maintain NC, and I realize that he is one of your best friends, but who knows, maybe you'll have moved on even further by then! Plus, you'll have all your other friends around you too. The coffee idea probably isn't the best idea either. You might develop feelings during that meeting...
lovesparis Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 my ex broke up with me shortly before my bday as well. it really sucked, but once ppl got to my house and the sangria started flowing freely, i hardly thought about him (well until the night was over and i was so sad and depressed that he didn't come)
Author sveltskye Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 Ughh... I was doing SO well last night. I went out to a movie with my old housemates, like my surrogate family, and I suddenly had this catharsis, like I stopped somehow trying in my mind to find a way where this could be impermanent and just cried for all the things I was losing. I cried and cried my heart out and about halfway through the movie, I started paying attention to it. By the end I was able to watch it and enjoy it, and then I went out to dinner with my housemates and was actually able to have a good time and feel normal. I was able to not think about it and concentrate on the conversation and just feel like I was having fun. In the car we started singing like we always used to and I realised I hadn't done that in a long time and I had missed it. Then I went to bed and I was lying in bed thinking and I felt so incredibly peaceful. I was just thinking about how much I had loved him and instead of beating myself up over everything I had done wrong and wishing that I could change the past, I just thought about how much I had loved him and everything I had done I had done because I had loved him so much. And I felt good to have been able to love a person so completely and give of myself so much. And I started remembering things that we did together and they didn't hurt so much, but just felt like I acknowledged how good they were. But I KNEW that I would be ok without him and I could let go of those things. It was like I was processing the loss and just feeling accepting and if that was the way it was going to be. I thought about how I needed someone who would totally be able to accept me and love every part of me and how that it was for the best because he couldn't be that person right now. I drifted off to sleep all peacefully listening to Coldplay, and then... I had a heart wrenching dream. I dreamt that I was in a room with bunk beds and my bf was on the top and our mutual friend, that I didn't know that well was on the bottom. The mutual friend, for some reason, even though we weren't super close, was ready to propose and commit to me. I agreed and was getting ready to sleep with him (have sex) and then I realized how wrong it felt and I couldn't because I was still so in love with my bf, so I told him that. Then I went up to the top bunk and saw my bf sleeping and just looked on him feeling so much love for him and I kissed him on the cheek and chose to be with him. It was all up to me. And I thought "Now we get to have Valentine's Day after all". Ughh... I know my subconscious is trying to help me process this and give me some taste of what I want, but really, does it have to dangle things in front of me so tantalizingly? It was like I had seen him again, only worse, because in dreams seeing them, its not just them but everything they represent.
sedgwick Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I agree -- the dreams are the worst! I dream all the time that we're getting back together. When I wake up I miss him so much.
Belkin Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Same here, I'm in the dream phase too... Think about her when I fall asleep, dream about her, think about her when I wake up... BUT! I miss the relationship, not the girl! At least that's what I try to persuade myself... Sometimes I really believe it, and then I'm devastated again... Yet healing slowly, I can sense it now. Good luck to you all, in a few weeks (months?) it will all be over, and new adventures will begin!
Author sveltskye Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Yeah, I've dreamt about them every night since the breakup except the first, when I didn't sleep. They're not sad dreams either, just dissapointing when I wake up because they didn't represent reality, y'know? I'm doing really well today though. I've been in such a better state of mind since I had my catharsis yesterday.
Belkin Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Right... I think it comes it phases, like the tide. Feeling as if it's finally over one day, then back to day 1 the next... I felt at peace almost all Friday, and then fell back suddenly at evening, with no reason whatsoever. I'm still fighting for that pedestal, but she is soooo strong! Yet, the high tide lasts longer as days pass it seems... One day it will stay up, I'm sure of it! Just hoping for that day to come soon.
wyrllish Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Coming up on two months since we had our final fight and then came the 'take care' talks. Still haven't gone more than a week w/o contact, she's been the one initiating since new years(I turned my actions around then). Genuinely sounds like she's missing us talking, jealous about the possibility of me having a gf, "wow'ed" at me looking good, taking interest in my overall life and girls I'm hanging out with. She's "happy if I'm happy doing what I need to do" "we never talk anymore...lately you seem busy all the time and I don't want to seem like I'm bugging you". I do think she's at an unstable time in her life and confused about many things. I've been around her 3 year old girl since she was 6 months. Ex's mom contacts me now and then and tells me about the baby and how she asks about me everyday... From that and other small things she's done to reach out I still cling to hope someday. I know that's not a good thing to do if I ever want to heal and move on though. Honestly I use that hope to help motivate myself when I feel depressed during the day. However I know I should be improving myself for ME and not anyone else. Try to look at each day being an improvement in myself and this whole situation...can't go any lower than I was when this first happened.
BrianG Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 you seem to be doing quite well. Just read your post and I hate the ex saying "take care." You said you would love me always and forever and now she is saying take care. Sorry need to vent because thank heaven I am in NC because if i hear take care one more time im gonna scream, ha ha.
AriaIncognito Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Thank you for your input, Tomcat. I really appreciate it. I'm thinking I will take the friendship thing in baby steps, but he agreed that he wants to be friends too. He seemed very enthusiastic. Is it really a bad idea? I know lots of people who have remained friends with their exes. My ex initially said he wanted to stay friends. But he really just wanted me around until he found another girlfriend. I'd be wary. There's room for friendships with exes, but that usually occurs down the road when you have healed. I am still acquaintances (I wouldn't use the term friend anymore) with a guy I dated for 4 years. Took me 3 years to get over him (he was my first live in and sexual relationship). I dont think I was able to hear about his happiness for a few years until I was not totally jealous. I'll be honest, I still get a tiny bit jealous that he has the wife and kids and blah blah, but I also know he's not the one. It takes a while to get there, so don't rush yourself and don't cling to friendship just because you want to cling to the hope. Nothing but a bad idea.
oppath Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I think friendly acquaintance is the best I can hope for with an ex. It would be nice to send emails with youtube links every now and then and chat every couple months, but again, that's kind of at acquaintance level than close friend level depending on your definition of friend. I just told an on/off girl "we need to talk if we have feelings and there is any hope, because I can tell there are still feelings and being friends is confusing. We either need to discuss those feelings and if there is any hope, or we need to give each other more space before a friendship is possible because it seems like we are holding on to the companionship part of the relationship." Basically, I want to kill the hope by going for broke or just agreeing "we need to move on." The ex before, despite tons of drama in a way I still feel hope. I'd also tell her to go **** herself if I ever see her. That's why if there were strong feelings, no contact is the way to go. With my on/off girl, we never reached that stage but I recognize our current level of contact isn't healthy for either of us. If she has hope, I want to discuss it with her and be honest about our feelings, or just agree to move on. No contact for a while will be a great ways towards accomplishing that.
nikkole1988 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 You sound exactly like me like i have hope all the time that this guy will want me back, mostly though what gives me that hope is not Knowing the fine details of why I'm apart (even though i see him with his ex). But like is there a reason you have hope, like for me i find the guy who broke it off always looking at me so i get that hope that maybe he's more interested than i thought, or regretting his decision...
dfreeman Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 For me, the best way to deal with hope is to "recognize & intellectualize" it. I still have my little battles with hope sneaking up in my thoughts, but when I really think of how bad things were with my ex and think things all the way through, I am able to dispel these fantasies fairly quickly. In my case, I try to recognize that hope is some tiny little pain reliever kicking in to fight the loneliness and despair until I am 100% again and don't need it anymore Hope is okay - just don't buy any stock in it, because you will be throwing it away soon!
Author sveltskye Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 I guess one of my problems is that I really felt that my ex and I had something special, I was totally and completely committed to the relationship. I was even thinking about what I was going to do down the road when I possibly would have to move for school, because I thought we had such a good thing. He, on the other hand, popped out of nowhere that he thought we were incompatible and not good for eachother. He never even discussed how he was feeling with me before he just broke up with me. He also told me he didn't see any hope for the future. It just left me reeling. I did write this thread when I was a little more recent in the breakup and seeing things a little differently. He did some things that made me feel like he might change his mind, like crying when we broke up, and changing the pics of us on his myspace to pictures of us together after the breakup. I'm slowly adjusting more to the reality of things and realizing that I can't really realistically hold on to hope without driving myself crazy. I'm also realising that I may need *a lot* of space from him before we're friends. I mean, in the first few days I thought I would go three weeks NC, then maybe invite him to my birthday party and begin our friendship, maybe join back in the role playing game we had with our friends. But this is like a special kind of hell I'm in right now, and seeing him is just going to make it harder to deal with, even in a group setting. Its just never going to be the same again, and right now I care *way* too much to pretend that I'm just happy being friends with him. I think I'll let him contact me, and then tell him that if he changes his mind and wants to discuss giving it another go I'll talk to him, but otherwise, I can't really deal with being friends until I'm over him and in a position to *be* friends. Its a terribly hard thing to choose though, because you always hope that somehow interacting with them is going to change their mind. Even though I know that only he can change his own mind.
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