juliegeraci Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Almost 2 years has gone by since I've seen my lover. I am married and he is going through his divorce. I decided this week that I cannot maintain contact with him anymore and that I need to give my attention to my marriage. My girlfriend summed it up perfectly that its like a drug. Its been a week since I spoke/emailed him. How long will it take before I don't think about him every day? The hard part is that he is one of my best friends. My husband and I are good friends too, that is why we are together. My heart is breaking!
Bryanp Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 This is just a thought but imagine how you would be feeling if your husband has been doing to you what you have been doing to your husband. For two years you have disrespected and humiliated your husband and your marriage. If and when your husband finds out he will feel that everything in the past two years in the marriage has been a farce. You say your lover is your best friend. A best friend would not be screwing a married woman and be friends with her husband. If your lover is such a great friend why don't you divorce your husband and be with your lover? If you loved your husband you would be honest with him and allow him to decide how he wishes to live his life. It sounds like for the past two years you have been quite the cake eater. I think you need to be honest with your husband for a change. You would want to know if the roles were reversed.
TMCM Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 And just like a drug, an affair is an escape from reality. Keep that in mind.
LadyDi Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 It IS like a drug! It's obsessive. I feel the same way. I think it's very hard to break away from something you've been doing for so long. I've heard cold turkey/NC is the only way to go. I think that's probably true. It's brutal though....
emerald40 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I was married for 14 years when I had an affair and would keep continuing to have them since I was so unhappy in my marriage. I finally decided that if I continued to be unhappy, then I would continue having affairs so I decided to get a divorce after being married for 16 years. I did not feel it was fair to my husband, who is such a good man to continue to betray him. I am much happier now, although it has been extremely difficult dealing with so many emotions and guilt after what had happened. I believe that it is ESSENTIAL to leave a marriage of unhappiness and as difficult as it is, to go through the pains of a divorce.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 I am doing okay this week. Its been a week since I've spoken or emailed him. I decided that cold turkey was the only way to go. Also, I do believe that if you let someone go and they do not contact you then that is a huge sign. Either way, I am working on my marriage and feel really good about my decision.
MarriedLife Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 This is just a thought but imagine how you would be feeling if your husband has been doing to you what you have been doing to your husband... Bryanp makes a good point. You feel apathetic toward your H's feelings but you need to reverse this and try and really understand the pain it would cause him. I too am trying to keep NC with the OW. The A is LIKE A DRUG! The methadone you need could be more time spent with your other best friend: your H? If you can allow a longer time of having NC you'll get out of the affair fog and your feelings toward H should get stronger. It's happening to me.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 I am so glad I found this forum. I really haven't had anyone who understands what I've gone through. Thanks.
JustBreathe Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Two years? Why is it so hard to let go of your lover? Because affairs are fantasy relationships. You never got to see your friend at his worst like you have your husband, and vice versa. You both put on phoney personas to each other in order to feel sexy and wanted. It isn't even about your lover. It's about YOUR own problems, whatever is missing inside of you that your affair appeared to compensate for. The need to feel attractive to another person because your husband's opinion doesn't matter to you anymore. Address your issues in a healthy way before you lose a good man - a man which many MANY good looking women would appreciate. I wish I had a man I could call my best friend. I would love him to pieces. I'd never stab him in the back.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 How long will it take before I don't think about him every day? 2 years should have been long enough, but it seems you can't let go, or maybe you don't want to let go.... The hard part is that he is one of my best friends. How can he be one of your bestfriends if you've not seen him in 2 years? Keeping it going through emails is not going to help your marriage, let alone move past the affair..Infact you still are in the affair, but now it's an emotional one. You need to cut him out of your life in every way and that means no more thinking of him, or wishing that you had in him your life. If you want a bestfriend, turn to your husband, or a female friend. Another man should NOT be your bestfriend when you're already married. If you really are having trouble getting past this, then seek counselling.
johnny47 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Define friend......I think that's your issue. It is not what another person gives you or thinks about you, it's about what you can give or do for them without expecting anything in return. Their response to that action is the proof of friendship.
TMCM Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 julie, What 'needs' did the OM fulfilled that your H was not meeting? Has that changed?
Author juliegeraci Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 Naturally the sex was better. I fell in love with him over a period of 2 years. I work with him. He lives in NYC and I live in CA. We have a very special spiritual connection so that is why its so hard. Its as if I have known him my entire life. So right now all I can do is no contact which is hard on me. I haven't emailed or spoken to him in a week. I am concluding that its like an addiction. I've known him for 5 years now. He is one of my best friends. My husband said that anytime you make friends with the opposite sex that means trouble. So I am losing my lover as well as a friend. Truthfully, it hasn't hit me yet. I haven't mourned the loss yet, I am just going one way at a time with the no contact. In the meantime, I am giving my spouse more attention, going away together, etc. I bought him a nice Valentine. I do know that my husband worships me. We are truthfully really just good friends. The sexual chemistry has really never been there. We are just good companions. They say that good companions can make good life partners that is why its been so hard on me. He is a great guy. I just don't know how I got to this place. Okay, now the tears are starting. Thanks for caring. Some people are so judgmental.
TMCM Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Naturally the sex was better...I do know that my husband worships me. We are truthfully really just good friends. The sexual chemistry has really never been there. Would you say that your ex-lover, unlike your H, took the time to make you feel special before, during and after your intimate encounters? I'm sorry if this sound nosy of peeping-tomish but the reason I ask you this is because if this was the case, then it would explay why you said that the sex was better. It would also hold the key for your husband to become a better lover. We are just good companions. They say that good companions can make good life partners that is why its been so hard on me. He is a great guy. I just don't know how I got to this place. Okay, now the tears are starting. Thanks for caring. Some people are so judgmental. I'm truly sorry for the pain you are feeling for you seem to be a good person who made some very bad choices and is now trying to make amends for them. If there is patience, love, and understanding between you and your husband, then there is no reason that the two of you cannot build a better marriage than the one you've had. I wish you and your husband all the best.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 The sex with my lover was amazing. He held me in his arms all night long. It has never been real spiritual with my husband but we are working on that. Yes, this is very painful. That you for your response. It means a lot to me. Things will be okay. I just need to mourn the loss of my friend.
twice_shy Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Naturally the sex was better. Of course it was better. It was new and exciting. Its always going to be better than with whoever it is you are with forever and a day. And if this is the way you feel, then you will always be longing for that good sex when you are with your husband. So why not end it with your husband and move on and get what you want and let your husband move on so he isn't with someone that isn't true to him?
Owl Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 It doesn't matter that its been two years since you've seen him...the emails/texts/phone calls kept it going. It'll get better. With effort and time. Does your H know about the affair? What are you doing to rebuild your marriage? How are you trying to reconnect with your H? Don't expect an immediate change...this takes TIME. The longer you have NO CONTACT with the other guy, the more your feelings will likely come back for your H. As long as the two of you are doing the right things to 'get it back'.
daisygirl Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Julie, I am totally new here, but I wanted to respond to you. I understand how you are feeling. I was only in an EA, but I broke off contact with the OM last Tuesday, and I am hurting so bad. I am glad to know that others out there understand. It's easy to be judgmental if it hasn't happened to you, but I am honestly trying to work on my marriage and hope that my feelings for the OM will be gone soon and the pain will stop.
Darth Vader Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Naturally the sex was better. Some people are so judgmental. People who say that people are judgmental, don't want to except responsibility or the consequences of their actions. The sex was better? I wonder what your husband would think of how you are ripping his heart out, riding another man, but, apparently you just don't give a Damn! Let you husband go and be with someone else! Stop wasting his life! Pathetic!
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 People who say that people are judgmental, don't want to except responsibility or the consequences of their actions. The sex was better? I wonder what your husband would think of how you are ripping his heart out, riding another man, but, apparently you just don't give a Damn! Let you husband go and be with someone else! Stop wasting his life! Pathetic! Right now she's romantizing the affair in her mind but if the sex was good and caught a STD off of it, she would be singing a different tune. Because people who engage in risky behaviors without consequences dont often feel what we perceive as remorse. I do tend to wonder how does the cheater feel if the spouse decides to leave after or get revenge because they dont feel appreciated. Right now Juliegraci, it's time to let go of this stupid affair and heal your marriage. By only holding onto this phantom of the OM you continue to posion the marriage and hinder you and your husband's chance to heal.
Darth Vader Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I see your point, however, you and I know she'll let her husband find out instead of being truthful to him, continuing to disrepect her husband in the worse possble way, and he doesn't even have a say in the matter. He's wasting his life on someone no good, while she has all the fun, sex, orgasms, at her husbands expense. When he does find out, and they almost always do, she'll see her husband pay that great price, all I hope is, is that he doesn't find out in say 20 - 30 years, when it may be too late for him to find someone to be happy with, imagine finding out then, your whole life has been nothing but a lie, that's worse than being robbed.
TMCM Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Part of the reason why sex is almost always amazing in the beginning of a relationship has to do with the attention, affection and willingness to do anything to please the lover (making love). Now contrast that with spousal sex which in many cases is devoid of all of the above and is simply a masturbatory exercise. Sex with the lover starts long before the two of them take their clothes off and it continues long after they have ended their secret rendevouz. Under these circumstances it's very easy to see why a spouse can get hooked on the sex with the OP and, like Julie, view is as a spiritual experience. The truth is that it is far from being spiritual because it's parasitic nature makes it depend on lies and deceit to the betrayed spouse in order to exist. Julie, have you ever wondered if you are truly getting the whole story about the demise of the OM's marriage? I ask because if he is such a superior man, you would think that he would have used those same talents in making you happy to make his STBXW a very happy woman as well. Granted that not all women are the same, but if he was such a spiritual man wouldn't he have taken hiw vows deadly serious and avoided having an affair, especially one with a married woman? An emotionally secure man would reject all opportunities to cheat on his wife and would first end his bad marriage because his honor would demand it of him. You can't do anything to put him on the past of becoming an honorable man but you certainly can do everything in your power to become an honorable woman once more.
sassy N sassy Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 i too had in affair for 12 years no contact with my lover it is painfull. we broke it off 5 months ago and it hurts like hell!!!! so i no what you are going threw with!
johnny47 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 My wife and I found an excellent way to handle infidelity. she has had several lovers by the time we celebrated our 10th Anniversity and each time she said she wuld change. then we got hooked up with the Swinging community. We she saw how desirable I was to to other women she treated me differently. Most importantly I learned that I did not need her to satisfy my needs. She is very happy with that. By the way, in this new openness I made her aware of the fact that if someone comes the pike who I can trust and I fall in love with that person I will not divorce her but I will put her second to that new person.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 My wife and I found an excellent way to handle infidelity. she has had several lovers by the time we celebrated our 10th Anniversity and each time she said she wuld change. then we got hooked up with the Swinging community. We she saw how desirable I was to to other women she treated me differently. Most importantly I learned that I did not need her to satisfy my needs. She is very happy with that. By the way, in this new openness I made her aware of the fact that if someone comes the pike who I can trust and I fall in love with that person I will not divorce her but I will put her second to that new person. Your both doing all this screwing other people, then why the hel are you married? where's your wife's self respect? and yours as well. I hope it works out for you but hey you both deserve one another if you both believe it's okay to be polyamorus, and whatnot. That's your choice.
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