Maxi Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Hey guys.... I was just wondering if anyone could offer some advise on dealing with arguments (brought about mainly through miscommunication)? For example... this morning my gf and I had an argument that was brought on through miscommunication. We were supposed to go to a music festival tomorrow afternoon... and this morning I said to her that I might play golf tomorrow morning with my best friend and my brother in law. She replied to this by saying "well ill go to the festival with my friend insted!"- like she was punnishing me for going to play golf. My reponse was a look of astonishment... thats all! I didnt say anything, and she walked off quite annoyed. Eventually I went into our room and we talked about it... she was upset that I gave her that look and I was upset that she was trying to "punnish" me for playing golf... she said she wasnt, and that she assumed I would be gone all day so she would go with someone else. This is just one of many miscommunications, and subsequent arguments that have occured over the past month or so... So my question is how to deal with them and avoid both of us being left sad, and a little more damaged then before? Im considering telling her that we need to talk tonight... Im feeling a bit down at the moment so I feel we should discuss it and anyother issues we may be having or things we are feeling that we havent told on another... does anyone think this is a bad idea? Just as a side note.. we recently moved in together (about 2 months ago) and were having no issues or miscommunications before!
Kamille Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Hey guys.... I was just wondering if anyone could offer some advise on dealing with arguments (brought about mainly through miscommunication)? For example... this morning my gf and I had an argument that was brought on through miscommunication. We were supposed to go to a music festival tomorrow afternoon... and this morning I said to her that I might play golf tomorrow morning with my best friend and my brother in law. She replied to this by saying "well ill go to the festival with my friend insted!"- like she was punnishing me for going to play golf. My reponse was a look of astonishment... thats all! I didnt say anything, and she walked off quite annoyed. Eventually I went into our room and we talked about it... she was upset that I gave her that look and I was upset that she was trying to "punnish" me for playing golf... she said she wasnt, and that she assumed I would be gone all day so she would go with someone else. This is just one of many miscommunications, and subsequent arguments that have occured over the past month or so... So my question is how to deal with them and avoid both of us being left sad, and a little more damaged then before? Im considering telling her that we need to talk tonight... Im feeling a bit down at the moment so I feel we should discuss it and anyother issues we may be having or things we are feeling that we havent told on another... does anyone think this is a bad idea? Just as a side note.. we recently moved in together (about 2 months ago) and were having no issues or miscommunications before! I think you two handled that one well. After you move in together, it's normal to have a period of adjustment. It's important to recognize that no matter what the argument is, you two still love, trust and have faith in each other, and I think the fact you two were able to resolve this fairly easily proves that. It wasn't about who was right and who was wrong, but simply understanding each other and making sure you each had the other's best interest at heart. Often, in past relationships, just realizing that makes communicating easier. Less 'dangerous' if you will. So why not bring it up? But in this case I think I would insist on the positive side of how well you two manage misunderstandings as a basis to improve further communication. As in, since we have each other's best interests at heart, then we both know misunderstandings can be clarified. I'm curious, did you talk to her about wanting to spend more time together?
Author Maxi Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks Kamille! Your always offering such appropriate and good advise... I really appreciate it! We did end up talking about spending more time together.. and It worked really well! We spent the whole day together the other day and had "alone" time a few nights this week too! The thing Ive come to realise is that we are both really busy and the fact that we dont spend every second togeter doesnt really matter... the quality of the time we do is! Altough this morning it kind of hurt when, in the middle of our discussion, she brought up the fact that she has a friend thats just moved here and needs a lot of support... and that she feels that she cant spend as much time with her because of me! Because I either ask for time together or we have stuff planned.. she also said that all she wants to do is spend time with me so its hard to want to do things with her friends. But it still felt like she feels I am keeping her from spending time with her friend... So Im also wondering what I should do with that... whether backing off for a while and giving her time with her friend would be a good idea or keep going the way we are? Clearly it was distressing my gf as it brought her to tears?
cassano203 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I wish i could offer some advice but I'm in the same boat. I'll sit back and take in the advice you get. Hopefully things get better man.
Kamille Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks Kamille! Your always offering such appropriate and good advise... I really appreciate it! We did end up talking about spending more time together.. and It worked really well! We spent the whole day together the other day and had "alone" time a few nights this week too! The thing Ive come to realise is that we are both really busy and the fact that we dont spend every second togeter doesnt really matter... the quality of the time we do is! Altough this morning it kind of hurt when, in the middle of our discussion, she brought up the fact that she has a friend thats just moved here and needs a lot of support... and that she feels that she cant spend as much time with her because of me! Because I either ask for time together or we have stuff planned.. she also said that all she wants to do is spend time with me so its hard to want to do things with her friends. But it still felt like she feels I am keeping her from spending time with her friend... So Im also wondering what I should do with that... whether backing off for a while and giving her time with her friend would be a good idea or keep going the way we are? Clearly it was distressing my gf as it brought her to tears? I have been in that position, but I don't think it would cross my mind to blame my bf for the fact I always want to spend time with him. It sounds like something there's something she needs to solve about how she manages her time. I have to admit there's something I don't get about it. It sounds like she's feeling overwhelmed by something You let her know you want to make sure the two of you spend some alone time together. Did she agree that was a good idea? Maybe you could promise each other you will reserve some time for each other at least once a week (or whatever feels fair to both of you), and outside of that you are free to do what you want. Let her know your goal is to spend quality time together, not quantity time. Also, try to figure out if she is feeling overwhelmed and if so, why? I know you were struggling with the friend being always present, but you sound super happy about the one day you two spent together last week. Let her know that's all she needs to do to meet your needs. Let her know that you're on her side. And no, I don't think it would be wise to just hold back until things fall into place with the friend. Who knows when that might be and it sure sounded like you were getting quite frustrated over it. What's the deal with this friend anyways? Why is she having such a hard time settling in?
Author Maxi Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Her reply when I told her I wanted to spend more time together was "of course I want to also... All I want to do is spend time with you!" - which is really good... But I think the "quality" not "quantity" time is a big! I think she is content with us seeing eachother evey day but thats not exactly "quality" time! I've also sensed that she is overwhelmed! Im not exactly sure how to ask... should I be blunt and ask her straight up or be more tactful? Im not too sure whats up with her friend... She is a cool girl but I think she has been treated like a princess all her life and is an only child... so she is struggling with being away from family and bf, so she needs my gf for comfort or something... which I dont mind... but eventually my gf needs to realise that by ALWAYS being there she is compromising our relationship - or am I just being selfish?
Kamille Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Her reply when I told her I wanted to spend more time together was "of course I want to also... All I want to do is spend time with you!" - which is really good... But I think the "quality" not "quantity" time is a big! I think she is content with us seeing eachother evey day but thats not exactly "quality" time! I've also sensed that she is overwhelmed! Im not exactly sure how to ask... should I be blunt and ask her straight up or be more tactful? Im not too sure whats up with her friend... She is a cool girl but I think she has been treated like a princess all her life and is an only child... so she is struggling with being away from family and bf, so she needs my gf for comfort or something... which I dont mind... but eventually my gf needs to realise that by ALWAYS being there she is compromising our relationship - or am I just being selfish? I don't think you are being selfish. I was thinking that maybe your gf felt that your request to spend more time together was like a reproach and perhaps that is why she felt overwhelmed. Maybe a solution is to ask her out officially on dates. It defines it as quality time, it leaves you in charge of planning it and it also clarifies what your need for time together might be.
Walk Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I've also sensed that she is overwhelmed! Im not exactly sure how to ask... should I be blunt and ask her straight up or be more tactful? Im not too sure whats up with her friend... She is a cool girl but I think she has been treated like a princess all her life and is an only child... so she is struggling with being away from family and bf, so she needs my gf for comfort or something... which I dont mind... but eventually my gf needs to realise that by ALWAYS being there she is compromising our relationship - or am I just being selfish? I sometimes feel this way in my relationship. I don't get to see my bf as much as we would both like to see each other, and I feel pressured (I do this to myself) to spend all my time with him. It really helps me for him to vocalize that he wants me to spend time with my friends. When he explains that he understands how important my friendship is to me, and he assures me that he also wants me to have time with them, it eases the pressure I feel about trying to appease the important people in my life. Maybe you could do that with your gf? Let her know you understand her need to see her friends, that you don't want to stand in the way of that. And give her the freedom to spend that time with the friend without the guilt about abandoning you. She'll still make the time to see you, and she'll still go out of her way to be with you. She loves you and wants to spend time with you. Everything you wrote says this about her. I think she's feeling guilty about how much time her friend needs right now, and that is causing her to feel anxiety. It really helped me when my bf did this for me. It felt like a huge weight fell off my shoulders, and I can really enjoy the time I spend with my friend instead of worrying about how I'm not spending that time with him. And I still go out of my way to spend time with him, and actually do more to make that time together special to him. I really appreciate that he understood me and what I value, and expressed his desire to see me happy even if it didn't directly benefit him.
LoveLace Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Of course talking isn't a bad idea! Especially while living together...best to get it all out on the table. Communication is powerful. Arguments are frustrating because both people think they are right and the other is wrong. I recently had a debate with the guy I'm seeing, we each voiced our perspective, neither of us would budge on it, but we finally agreed to disagree and moved on. Some things can easily be forgotten and other things have a bigger effect on the relationship. But the communication alone helped a lot, even though we didn't see eye to eye. However when you don't see eye to eye on something major (like long-term future plans), well then it's time to seriously consider the survival of the relationship. Your GF should be happy your willing discuss things, because some guys have a hard time with that. I say anytime you feel the need to communicate, then do it. And when living together, some arguments just boil down to getting on each other's nerves (normal) so consider that also.
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