VnusMars Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I hate the word "victim" because there really is no such thing in these situations, but for lack of a better subject line... Here's a nutshell - My GF and I were best friends for 2 years before we became a couple. We are highly compatible, share many common interests, and are both dedicated to the idea that the best relationship is 2 strong independent people choosing to be together. April 2007 - August 2007: Everything goes great, relationship builds, love grows, we even start hinting at marriage. She does express concern about "knowing how to do this" since she's not felt this way before and previous relationships weren't as healthy. Sept. 2007 - December 2007: She begins having recurring but different health and life problems. On top of this, her boss starts coming down on her at work. There are probably 3 weeks total in the whole 4 months that are fun and happy, the rest is coping. I am there supporting her 100% and helping her through, and she's grateful. However, in November we have a big talk about me being smothering, her needing time with friends and for herself, so we deal with that. She backs off on marriage talk, then asks that we postpone the official engagement until she feels better. January 2007: her health improves and job situation slightly improves, but now she starts questioning the relationship, saying she doesn't know what she wants and she feels it's unbalanced, that I defer to her too much. She also has no passion for me or anything, so our sex life has tanked (it wasn't great during the health issues anyway). She says she's not excited about getting married, living together, or even necessarily being in a relationship. I offer to give her the time and space she needs to figure things out. Now she is spending more time with her friends, having more time to herself, but is also fairly distant - we talk daily and spend some time together on weekends, but overall things are very strained. My therapist says that this type of thing is common after prolonged stress and illness, that the relationship will have to take a back seat to her own personal health and well-being, physical/mental/emotional combined. She has asked to get together tonight and I fear she's going to want to call it quits. I have a different idea, and even if she doesn't want to call it quits, am wondering if I should take a stand and ask if she needs me to bow out for a month or two while she gets her life in order, so she doesn't feel the stress of needing to give me attention while simultaneously dealing with all the other pressures in her life. In a way, we're already doing that - we don't see each other nearly as much as we used to, and we've admitted the relationship is on the rocks. My definition of a break in this sense: 1) No expectations of talking to each other or seeing each other with any regularity (outside of our other commitments and business) 2) If she wants to see me or talk to me, she can ask - I may not be available though, as I feel I have put my own interests on hold and spent lots of time and energy on her, I'm going to start doing things with friends and for my own personal growth. I will leave the contact to her, though, since she is the one having more of a problem than I am. 3) Not breaking up, not ending the relationship, not dating others or being open to seeing others. The purpose is to give her time and space to fix the other areas of her life so that we can regroup later and fix us (we had already agreed to couples counseling). 4) We are the leaders of 2 musical groups and still have regular rehearsals and shows - we continue all of that with no question or problem. 5) We agree to a regular check-in every 2 or 4 weeks, where we speak completely honestly about where we're at. When she's ready, we can begin working on us again. 6) When we start up again, we start "dating" again (she has lamented on a few occasions the way we jumped right into a relationship and didn't really "date") 7) All talk of marriage and our future is put on the back burner until we're both ready to discuss. 8) If after time she doesn't feel like working on us (or vice versa) and wants to be free of the relationship entirely to date, honesty happens right away. I don't really see this as a 'break" in the sense that I see in many of these posts, but rather just a shifting of priorities and energy away from US and towards ourselves. As I stated before, we can only have a healthy US if we are healthy I's. Nor is this any different from what we already had discussed, it's just that previous discussions were highly emotional and sad and sounded like PROBLEMS instead of SOLUTIONS. What do you think?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 i say go for it. you're not doing anything very differently than she's done; you're just doing it in a better way because you're being up front about it. you have a right to let her know how you feel, and that includes that you're not going to sit around and have your mind played with. let us know what happens.
Author VnusMars Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks for the encouragement, Kenzie! I think more than anything I want her to know that I see a long-term benefit to supporting her through this tough time...I've already done it for the last 4 months, why would I stop now?...and that I see her coming out of this on top, back to her old self, and then we can rekindle our relationship. But...I won't wait forever, and I won't abide irrational assessments of how things are (there's an underlying current of "you offering to help me must mean you think I'm too weak to do it myself"), nor will I sacrifice what I believe to be my personal standards for a relationship. I'm still trying to get comfortable with those, because I have been known to place too high a value on constant validation and feedback - I haven't really done a great job of being comfortable on my own and not worrying about how the relationship is going.
s_n_d Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Definitely go for it. If you feel its what your gf and you really need then it will help. I know that since my breakup with my ex three months ago, I have definitely learned a lot about myself and changed for the better. Breaks are not always a bad thing. Post back on here and let us know how it goes.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks for the encouragement, Kenzie! you're quite welcome, please keep come back and let know how it goes.
Author VnusMars Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Well, that didn't go well at all...she left a while ago and I have to type it all out or I'll go crazy... She WAS coming over here to break up with me, and it was as I feared...she said she never has really felt "in love" with me like she thinks she should, and that she tried really hard but it's not there. She was really sad and distraught, and of course I am devastated. She said it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, that I've been perfect, and that she does love me very much... But she's not happy with the way things are and had to be honest with me about it. On the one hand, I'm completely devastated that this is the end...on the other hand... I told her what I said above, that even if she had come here to just hang out, I would have asked for the break - everything I put in my list in my original post about taking space and time to get our lives back on track and then maybe we could regroup later. So...I guess I'll probably spend the next few months holding on to a gleam of hope while still living my life, until I have it proven otherwise that's not going to happen, then I'll move on and feel at peace with it. Or, if it so happens that she wants to start over again, we'll do that. Either way, I'm not going to put all my hope in one thing. I just can't shake the thought that if I was so wonderful to her, if we're so compatible, if we're such fabulous friends - then why can't the rest of it follow? Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. I'm just totally mixed up now.
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