peytonthatsme Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 My husband and I have been married a few years- together for a total of 6 almost 7. He is an OTR truck driver now (drives with his dad) so I don't get to spend much time with him. I might see him one day during the week or one day on the weekends. Also sometimes he is home for friday night and all day saturday. I should point out when we first got married he had a 9-5 job. I would not have married him if he drove long haul. He started driving to spend more time with his dad (who is getting older) the thing is now I feel so disconnected from him. Yes, we talk on the phone every day but honestly I could even do without the phone calls. I'm bored, lonely, and I"ve built my own life up enough I no longer need him. I do love him- I dont' want anything bad to happen to him, I worry about him being out on the road when the weather is bad, etc. However when he is home I'd almost rather be somewhere else. I have begun to hate having sex with him (last six months or so). Its just a chore, its not intimate or fun. NOt that he's doing anything differently (I used to enjoy sleeping with him) but I just feel no connection to him so it almost feels like he is using me. There have been opportunities to cuddle or have sex and I just dread them. I dont' want him touching me. Its just a hassle. I've settled for once a week and that once a week is not something I look forward to or enjoy. I just do it to get it over with. I feel I have no emotional connection with him as when he's home he watches tv and sits beside me or he talks about work or his dad and I want him to pay attention to ME. I know thats probably selfish but its true. He doesnt' have time to go to counseling and me going by myself, just too much of a hassle, i'd rather be doing things I enjoy rather than spending time talking about problems I really am not even sure if I care to solve. My husband thinks everything is great (except lack of sex) and says he is happy. He wants to start a family and I am dead set against it. I want my kids to have a father that spends time wtih them. I work full time and make decent income so he doesnt' HAVE to work this job. He has skills that would afford him a job close to home. However he wants to be with his dad. Is there any hope for our marriage? I've just gotten to the "I dont' care" point. Not having an affair or anything, just not interested in my husband, for sex, for conversation for comfort, for anything. I just feel so disassociated from his life that I feel we aren't partners anymore. Does that make sense. And yes, I have asked him to find another job and he doesnt' want to because he wants to drive with his dad.
redfathom Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Peyton, wow. I know how you feel. Is there any hope of rekindlingany love you felt at the begining. It's almost like you are strangers. How long has he been driving long haul? Did you feel this way at all before he changed jobs? If you husband is happy with your relationship then it might be hard to get him to change it.
luvstarved Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Well it sounds like his heart might be in the right place but that he is genuinely unaware of your needs and feelings. If you have tried to express them in a heartfelt manner and are being blown off then yeah he is probably being selfish. But I wonder if he really has any idea about these feelings on your part? Sounds like he needs to. I would find a way of telling him how you feel and see how he reacts...asking him to do this or that practical thing is not addressing the core truth of what is going on. But you should go into any such conversation with some idea of what you hope to accomplish...you said you don't care but you also wanted more attention, etc. The bottom line is that you have unmet needs, and you have a right to expect more from your husband...but before you ask for them, you should be clear in your own mind/heart whether you would be able to care again if he acknowledged and began to address those needs...
thankful15289 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Peyton, It sounds like his job is what is killing your marriage. If you've told him this and he hasn't listened, you have to hit him over the head with it, as in "quit your job or I'm leaving." I wouldn't worry about being selfish. For one thing, we all have to be somewhat selfish, even in marriage. If he's not meeting your needs and your needs are reasonable (and I think they are) then you owe it to both of you to talk about this. And two, he's basically choosing his dad over you. And that's not fair to you or his (soon to be) children. He should choose you and your kids over anyone. I know the pain of an absent father, but he's an adult trying to basically relive his childhood. He needs therapy to figure out a better way to do this; one that isn't destructive to you.
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