EyeAlone Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 My boyfriend is in his late 20s and sometimes suddenly or gradually becomes moody, withdrawn, and distant. He doesn't tell me what's bothering him. I've told him more times than I can count that if he has a problem with me or upset at me about something that he needs to tell me. It's not like I'm a mind-reader or anything. I've also told him that he should talk to me if he's having a problem with something, such as work. However, he still doesn't say what his problem is when he's withdrawn. He's also told me once before that I was "suffocating him" when I kept asking him what was wrong. So what do I do? Do I just back off, let him work his problems out on his own, and trust that he'll tell me when he's upset with me? One time he didn't tell me when he was upset at me until I pried it out of him so I think that's why I worry that he's not telling me when he's unhappy with me. Thanks for any help!!
EYECANDY000 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 My boyfriend is in his late 20s and sometimes suddenly or gradually becomes moody, withdrawn, and distant. He doesn't tell me what's bothering him. I've told him more times than I can count that if he has a problem with me or upset at me about something that he needs to tell me. It's not like I'm a mind-reader or anything. I've also told him that he should talk to me if he's having a problem with something, such as work. However, he still doesn't say what his problem is when he's withdrawn. He's also told me once before that I was "suffocating him" when I kept asking him what was wrong. So what do I do? Do I just back off, let him work his problems out on his own, and trust that he'll tell me when he's upset with me? One time he didn't tell me when he was upset at me until I pried it out of him so I think that's why I worry that he's not telling me when he's unhappy with me. Thanks for any help!! HI EyeAlone, I can definately understand how that can be extrememly frustrating. KNowing that your partner will not open up to you in the least bit. How long have you two been together? Honestly I dont think there is more you can do. If you see that he is having a problem and you ask him whats wrong and you get no response then what more can be done? Im sure you have tried being empathetic to him and told him you wish you could help, but if he dont tell you , then you cant. If you keep constantly asking him and he is declining to tell you then soon he will see it as you badgering him. Maybe he will come around and tell you whats wrong. If not, then that would be one of the things that would cause problems in your relationship
Author EyeAlone Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 We've been in a relationship together for 16 months. I'm his FIRST girlfriend ever (and keep in mind this guy is going to be turning 30 in a couple of years). Sometimes I wonder if his lack of relationship experience is partially to blame. Someone told me that he might be too used to having to rely on only himself and still trying to get comfortable to sharing problems. But I'm not sure. Anyone else have any advice or insight?
prancing-on-the-moon Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Hi EyeAlone, well I believe different people have different ways of handling their emotions and issues and your bf seems like the type who seeks inward for a solution. Go read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. It answers your qn perfectly. It says: guys mostly withdraw inwards for answers while gals tend to share problems with girlfriends, etc., as part of the process in finding the right solution. I'll say, respect you bf enough to give him space when he needs it. Believe in him enough to know that he can solve his own problems the way he thinks best. Still let him know that you'll be there for him should he ever need a listening ear or help of any kind. I know it's frustrating to be in your shoes (I've been in your shoes before). But it's probably part of the compromising part in being a couple. You can let him know how you feel too (when he is in an ok mood). Tell him that you feel sad when he withdraws and that because you care for him, it is difficult to see him down, and even more difficult when he refuses help. Something like that to let him know that you care and that it's unfair on you too to be at the receiving end. Keep calm, peaceful, and loving. He'll appreciate it.
fral945 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Since I would say I'm probabaly similar to your boyfriend (male in late 20s, only 1 relationship, moody & withdrawn at times, lol), I'll chime in & say I can guarantee you he is used to relying only on himself. The girl I'm currently dating likes to take care of me, going to get food or drink for me while I'm in bed or on the couch, always asking if I need anything (kind of a motherly type). May sound odd, but since I've never been in a relationship until now, I'm not used to someone waiting on me hand & foot. I've been alone & independent for so long I'm used to doing things myself. I'm also not real comfortable opening up, but getting better. Speaking from my perspective, I'm not used to burdening others with my problems. Guess I have the tough guy mentality of "I'll figure it out on my own", which I usually do. My advice is don't pester him and don't bring up the lack of relationship theory. One reason I'm afraid to tell women about my lack of past relationships is because I know they will hold it against me. Even if the part about his inexperience is true, remember, you may have been in many relationships before, but right now you are both in the same boat. You're both single and looking for someone in your life. What happened in the past (or in this case what hasn't happened in the past) is done and can't be changed. I recommend trying to slowly get him to open up. Don't be confrontational or nagging about it. Just ask him every so often when you two are alone: "if there is anything you need to talk about, I'm here for you". Constant nagging and saying "why don't you tell me what's wrong?" won't work. Try thinking about this from a male perspective & not a female perspective. Most women I know like to talk things out if something is bothering them, whether with friends, husband, boyfriend, mom, family, etc. The truth is we men don't like to talk about our problems. We tend to internalize them & work them out on their own. Don't feel like you need to solve all his problems, he will probably fix most of them by himself. Just be there for him if he needs you.
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