PrincessBOT Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 the extreme loneliness. I have been away for a bit and not posting. I felt I had to in order to heal, which I've been doing really good. My ex and I have not had contact in 5 month, 7 months since the break up. I've been dating, but unfortunately I have not met anyone that makes me want to go beyond one or two dates or conversing on the phone. (Side note: I found some appreciation for going through my last break up. After the break up I am more careful about who I allow myself to have feeling for. I feel that I am able to see and accept the signs that a person and I are not compatible and move on) The problem is I get so lonely, usually at night. During the day I have work and sometimes go out with friends and visit family. However, as the months go on I just need someone to hold me. It has got to the point where I get so agitated and restless and I can't concentrate on anything and I can't sit. I start feeling short of breath and sometimes I have to leave the house and go driving to get my mind off it. I just haven't been held in so long. I almost contacted my ex tonight, thank goodness I called a friend and told her what I was about to do. She did exactly what I needed her to do and told me how pointless it would be. I was just reaching out for someone familiar. I don't want to be back with him, but the loneliness is like a pain that I just want to stop. I am afraid I will get with someone just for affection and that would not be right. If anyone has gone through this how do you handle it?
Fun2BMe Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 It sounds like with your work and family you have people around to support you and help you feel loved. At night you can cuddle with your pillow or not think of your ex. Be strong because soon you will meet someone but in the meantime you can't self destruct by hooking up with someone you're not in love with or getting tempted to go back to your ex. Stay strong and soon things will get better.
Author PrincessBOT Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 The pillow thing and not thinking about him worked for a while, it's not working anymore. I am not lonely because there are no prospects, I am lonely because I look at each prospect with a magnifying glass and all I see is potential heartache. So if I think that there is a problem or something that I feel is a clue that he is not serious, I lose contact. This is a good thing I know, but it leaves me lonely. However, there is one guy that is interested in me that I mostly talk to over the phone. I don't trust myself, I don't know if I am considering him because I am at this lonely point or if I am genuinely interested. I really can't tell the difference and I am starting to think in terms of today. Being with him will make me happy today, I won't be lonely today. I live a very fulfilling life and have constant contact with friends and family and go out, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to get rid of this feeling of loneliness. It's scary because I was single for about a year before I met my ex. I was the same way, dating and having fun. Although I was alone I did not feel this feeling of loneliness.
latefragment Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 i'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this EXACT SAME WAY. feeling lonely to be just held. it's been a really long time for me too and I find myself wondering if I should date certain guy(s) who like me simply because I find them tolerable, mildly attractive/intelligent, and , perhaps most important, I really want to be held. (i.e. I wouldn't be too driven to hang out with the guy otherwise) (I agree with you - I don't trust myself. I don't know if I like this guy because I actually like him, or because I'm lonely and want to be held....) During the day I am engrossed with my life, seeing friends and doing my best to achieve, but it feels so... mechanical, like I'm going after all these goals but for no reason (I mean, the reason is, I am goal-oriented but you know what I mean, right?). At night, when I settle into bed, it is painful, no? That's why I know what you mean about how you want to just be held, for tonight, ... sometimes if I get a kiss or a hug from a guy I "like like" it helps tide me over for like a month or two or three, but then the loneliness and hopelessness comes back. At first I thought it was crazy, I was feeling physical pain at wanting to be held ... when I climb into bed. Stupid, right? I'm glad, in a sad way, that you feel the same. Do you think we are crazy? I was too spoilt being in serious relationships for a good 5-year stretch. Now it has been a loooongg time and I am seeing the flip side of the coin. The first year or so out of a serious relationship, you don't mind so much not getting held, because you are glad to have your independence. After that, the pain starts to set in. I completely hear what you are saying. I'm at a loss myself.
prisonbreak Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I don't want to sound as if I'm down playing your feeling here, cause it is really painful, I understand that. But, I think you might be over thinking things RE: "I don't trust myself. I don't know if I like this guy because I actually like him, or because I'm lonely and want to be held....)". If you want to be held, then be held. Don't look into things too deeply. I'm sure your great and if a guy wants to hold you for the night, well, then let him. Go have some fun, even if you don't have much in common. It's ok, cause you probably don't want to be in a serious relationship right now anyway. I was just telling a friend of mine the other night, "Now, I have to go out there and kiss alot of frogs before I find my prince". She replied, "You GET to go kiss alot of frogs, there's adventure and fun in that". Now, don't get me wrong, doesn't mean you have to sleep with them, and i'm not implying you turn into a slut, but lighten up on yourself and have some fun. Talk to someone you would never consider, you never know! Good luck. and remember, your never alone...God is ALWAYS with you!
sedgwick Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I don't have any answers, I just wanted to tell you that I'm in the same place as you. 5.5 months since contact, 7 months since breakup. I miss him terribly, and I can't even imagine dating, let alone trusting or loving someone. I kind of think I'm just not interested in that anymore -- I've given up on ever finding anyone who loves me like I love them. I think it's pretty much pointless -- it happens for other people, but, for some reason, not for me. And I'm lonely too, and feeling like there's nothing about me that could ever appeal to anyone -- I gave the absolute best of myself to him and it wasn't enough. It's as much that I don't trust myself as that I don't trust anyone else. I now know that the best person I can possibly be is still not good enough for anyone to love me romantically. So I'm taking inspiration from the fact that you're dating. Good for you! At least you're trying. I'm terribly lonely also, but I can't fathom opening myself up again, at all. So I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you. Even if none of the men you date compare to your ex, at least you have hope, and that's amazing.
prisonbreak Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Sedgwick, isn't usually when you give up hope, that something big happens? That's what I've seen and heard. I have a feeling something big is going to happen for you...soon!!!!
GlamourBabe Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I don't have any answers, I just wanted to tell you that I'm in the same place as you. 5.5 months since contact, 7 months since breakup. I miss him terribly, and I can't even imagine dating, let alone trusting or loving someone. I kind of think I'm just not interested in that anymore -- I've given up on ever finding anyone who loves me like I love them. I think it's pretty much pointless -- it happens for other people, but, for some reason, not for me. And I'm lonely too, and feeling like there's nothing about me that could ever appeal to anyone -- I gave the absolute best of myself to him and it wasn't enough. It's as much that I don't trust myself as that I don't trust anyone else. I now know that the best person I can possibly be is still not good enough for anyone to love me romantically. So I'm taking inspiration from the fact that you're dating. Good for you! At least you're trying. I'm terribly lonely also, but I can't fathom opening myself up again, at all. So I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you. Even if none of the men you date compare to your ex, at least you have hope, and that's amazing. Really hope you get love in your life soon sedgewick. I have read your posts, and I really think you more than deserve it. Thinking of ya . x
Author PrincessBOT Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 (edited) i'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this EXACT SAME WAY. feeling lonely to be just held. it's been a really long time for me too and I find myself wondering if I should date certain guy(s) who like me simply because I find them tolerable, mildly attractive/intelligent, and , perhaps most important, I really want to be held. (i.e. I wouldn't be too driven to hang out with the guy otherwise) (I agree with you - I don't trust myself. I don't know if I like this guy because I actually like him, or because I'm lonely and want to be held....) During the day I am engrossed with my life, seeing friends and doing my best to achieve, but it feels so... mechanical, like I'm going after all these goals but for no reason (I mean, the reason is, I am goal-oriented but you know what I mean, right?). At night, when I settle into bed, it is painful, no? Do you think we are crazy? I don't think we are crazy, I think you are right that when you are used to that type of companionship not having it is like withdrawal from drugs (I've never done drugs, but I've read and seen the withdrawal process). I was in in long term relationships also two 4 year and one 2 year relationship. Except for the 1 year between the last 4 year relationship they were back to back. I don't know if you are religious and/or what religion you are, but I Christian and I was reading the bible today and read that God created woman as a companion to help man. Even if you are not religious the need for companionship, touching and holding is just natural. It is just amazing the way that lack of these thing are causing physical pain and longing. Some may say it's mental, but everything is mental, the body feels pain when the mind registers the pain. You are definitely not alone in this one. I don't want to sound as if I'm down playing your feeling here, cause it is really painful, I understand that. But, I think you might be over thinking things RE: "I don't trust myself. I don't know if I like this guy because I actually like him, or because I'm lonely and want to be held....)". If you want to be held, then be held. Don't look into things too deeply. I'm sure your great and if a guy wants to hold you for the night, well, then let him. Go have some fun, even if you don't have much in common. It's ok, cause you probably don't want to be in a serious relationship right now anyway. I was just telling a friend of mine the other night, "Now, I have to go out there and kiss alot of frogs before I find my prince". She replied, "You GET to go kiss alot of frogs, there's adventure and fun in that". Now, don't get me wrong, doesn't mean you have to sleep with them, and i'm not implying you turn into a slut, but lighten up on yourself and have some fun. Talk to someone you would never consider, you never know! Good luck. and remember, your never alone...God is ALWAYS with you! It's not that simple as just being held. For me I need to be held by someone that I feel a connection with. I don't know, there is some kind of calmness, release, exhale, and comfort that only comes when being held by someone I care for and that cares for me. So when we say we don't know if we are with that person just to held or we don't trust ourself, we really mean we don't know if we are with that person because we have genuine feeling or the possibility of genuine feelings for that person or if we are just allowing ourself to think that we do. Like you said, it is a question of whether or not that person is someone we would not really consider if we were not so lonely. It is really not easy when your head is clouded with this loneliness and craving for emotional and physical companionship. God is alway with us, that is so true and he has a time for everything, but the struggle in between is definitely real. I don't have any answers, I just wanted to tell you that I'm in the same place as you. 5.5 months since contact, 7 months since breakup. I miss him terribly, and I can't even imagine dating, let alone trusting or loving someone. I kind of think I'm just not interested in that anymore -- I've given up on ever finding anyone who loves me like I love them. I think it's pretty much pointless -- it happens for other people, but, for some reason, not for me. And I'm lonely too, and feeling like there's nothing about me that could ever appeal to anyone -- I gave the absolute best of myself to him and it wasn't enough. It's as much that I don't trust myself as that I don't trust anyone else. I now know that the best person I can possibly be is still not good enough for anyone to love me romantically. So I'm taking inspiration from the fact that you're dating. Good for you! At least you're trying. I'm terribly lonely also, but I can't fathom opening myself up again, at all. So I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you. Even if none of the men you date compare to your ex, at least you have hope, and that's amazing. I understand how you feel about not being able to trust and open yourself up to someone else. The pain and loss is so real and deep that just thinking about starting with someone else drains the energy and desire to date. Although, I am going through this I have to urge you not to give up. I was at that point, but it does help to date others, when you are ready. The guys I date are not bad people, but I don't make excuses for any actions or think they mean anything other than what they say. I take everything literally or else it's on me for not. None so far have been able to get past that point. It is a good thing though because in my opinion it helps prevent unneccessary heartache by someone who is not worth it. However, dating has helped build my confidence back up and help me realize as Prison Break said that it is a journey with a lot of frogs to kiss. The journey is exciting and scary, but it is fun to get out have dinner, see plays, go to the movies and bowling. Segwick, when I tell you it is so good in those moments I really mean it. Those little moments start adding up and you start seeing yourself as the desirable and the person you were before the ex. Edited February 8, 2008 by PrincessBOT
sedgwick Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 You guys are great...thank you so much. I didn't mean to hijack princessbot's thread (sorry about that.) I can't even imagine feeling attractive again. I can't imagine loving anyone but him. Even if he was lying when he said, "I love you," I wasn't. I promised I'd always love him, and I meant it. I still mean it.
sandflea Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Sedgwick - you'll know when you're ready. It will just flow, and you'll smile, and it will happen. Rest assured, it just happens. Keep smiling.. SF
Author PrincessBOT Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 (edited) uhuhm OP here...the person that posted this thread for support... Sandflea, GlamourBabe I can understand the support for Sedgwick based on HER previous threads, but in addition to her threads there is pm. Use of it would be more polite than totally ignoring and showing no support for the OP's issue. P.S. Sedgwick no hard feelings, I see that you have built a nice support system and this here was not your intention... Edited February 8, 2008 by PrincessBOT
latefragment Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 i agree with what you said ... drawing the distinction between just being held by some random guy (appealing, but ... erhm, ok) versus being held by someone that you actually "like like" . the calmness, the sense of security (however fleeting), the release. Allowing yourself to let go, momentarily. Oh, I used to revel in that feeling of utter safety. It brings me pain to just think about it. I totally, totally, totally get it. I feel like we are on the same page as far as this desire goes. THis is sad, but i am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. The pain, the longing, is so profound, even I don't understand it. It has been a REALLY long time for me. I wonder if that has contributed to the pain as well. (as a side note, I am generally a very happy person who feels blessed with life and everything that life has given me... don't want to sound like a spoiled whiny brat or anything. This is, I suppose my achilles tendon , or whatever)
sedgwick Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I apologize. I really wasn't trying to take over your thread. Sorry about that.
Issues & tissues Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 You guys are great...thank you so much. I didn't mean to hijack princessbot's thread (sorry about that.) I can't even imagine feeling attractive again. I can't imagine loving anyone but him. Even if he was lying when he said, "I love you," I wasn't. I promised I'd always love him, and I meant it. I still mean it. Same here. I was in it for life. Welcome to what is known as the "consumer" society. Someone please let me know when the next stop is. I want to get off. Really don't belong in this world anymore. Sigh.
November Rain Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I am experiencing the same loneliness you are and I have no words of wisdom to give. I am reading the post and I hope they will give me the peace I am looking for. My H and I have been separated 4 months as of today. I don't think it's him I miss as much as the feeling of rolling over in bed and touching another person and feeling their warmth. I'm definitely in no rush to date or even thinking about it. I have my own demons to tackle now. But like you, I miss the feel of being held and loved. I do feel in my heart it will happen again and like you I will be very cautious. But I don't want to turn into ice either. I'm not saying your are, I'm just saying I'm scared. I know this sounds so stupid...but do you have a pet? It's not the same but they sure can love you without question. I have a little dog named Oliver. I call him my DeerPig. He has ears like a deer and a body like a little pig. So cute, so adorable and so loving. I wish I could give you some wise and meaningful advise. I'm sure you are a wonderful and exceptional person and God did not put us on this earth to be alone. You will find what you are looking for or it will find you.
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