izzylicious Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Hi LoveShackers! It's been a while since I've been on here, but I got so much help going through a break up last year I thought I'd come back for some dating advice... So I joined a dating website and met a couple guys...one in particular I went on 2 dates with and we got along great, similar values etc. I could tell he really liked me, and I liked him as well, and he is one of the nicest, most sincere men I have ever met. He went through a divorce (at age 34, after being with the same woman for 11 years) last year. He said the reason the marriage ended was that his ex was more money minded than he is. He also said that his self confidence was destroyed. He is making a lot of changes in his life, reading self-help books, etc. I asked him outright why he was on a dating website when he is in the midst of so much upheavel and making changes and he just said that he thinks life is for sharing. While my emotions are drawn to his sweet nature, my brain told me he isn't relatinship material right now. So I did what I realize now was a jerky thing and I wrote him an email saying that I think he's wonderfully genuine etc, but I don't see long term relationship potential right now because he seems like he needs to figure things out. I offered my friendship if he was interested, but I haven't heard back from him. My biggest thing is after my last 2 relationships I promised myself that would go for a guy who I have an emotional bond with as well as feeling like he has his act together. But now I'm starting to feel like I threw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. This guy is really caring, he mentors kids and though he isn't perfect, he is making an effort. Would it be terribly wrong to contact him again and apologize for being a jerk and see if we could just take it really slow and see how things go? Thanks in advance!
Florida Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 So I did what I realize now was a jerky thing and I wrote him an email saying that I think he's wonderfully genuine etc, but I don't see long term relationship potential right now because he seems like he needs to figure things out. This guy has a million and one great things about him, what was going on with you that you felt you needed to protect yourself...from...nothing? Write him back, but first figure out the answer to that because there were no red flags that I could see.
SeraBella Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 The red flag I think she found is that his divorce was just last year and he hasn't resolved all of the issues from that. He's working on it and she thinks he isn't yet over the issues that caused the marriage breakdown. (I could be wrong, but that's what I got from it.) I understand how you feel, as I am always put off when I find out someone is recently out of a committed relationship or marriage, or if they admit they are working on some issues. BUT, everyone has issues. At least he knows them and is working on them. And, just because he didn't mesh well with his wife, obviously doesn't mean he won't mesh well with you. I think you did jump the gun and judged him on some things that may mean nothing. Contact him and apologize. You don't really have anything to lose, right? The worst that could happen is he rejects you...but he's not in your life at the moment, so it can't be any worse.
Author izzylicious Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 What was going on with me...well, I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that he said his marriage ended because his wife was more money minded, I keep going back to that. I am not materialistic, but I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with a guy who was irresponsible money-wise and it wrecked our relationship too. If this woman spent 11 years with him and couldn't reform him, how could I expect to do any better? I am trying to protect myself from making the same mistake I made before: I have a bad habit of dating guys who have great potential and I just told myself, why not find a guy who doesn't have the potential, but actually does have his act together? But as I said, I realized today that no man is going to be perfect and life is about growing and changing, and maybe his good qualities are good enough that I could overlook the fact that he doesn't like his job, hasn't finished a college degree and doesn't really know what he wants to do. At least he knows he wants his work to stem from his values though, like helping people. Is it really too much to ask for a really nice genuine guy who also has his act together, or am I looking for Mr Perfect who doesn't exist?
Florida Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 What was going on with me...well, I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that he said his marriage ended because his wife was more money minded, I keep going back to that. I am not materialistic, but I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with a guy who was irresponsible money-wise and it wrecked our relationship too. If this woman spent 11 years with him and couldn't reform him, how could I expect to do any better? I am trying to protect myself from making the same mistake I made before: I have a bad habit of dating guys who have great potential and I just told myself, why not find a guy who doesn't have the potential, but actually does have his act together? But as I said, I realized today that no man is going to be perfect and life is about growing and changing, and maybe his good qualities are good enough that I could overlook the fact that he doesn't like his job, hasn't finished a college degree and doesn't really know what he wants to do. At least he knows he wants his work to stem from his values though, like helping people. Is it really too much to ask for a really nice genuine guy who also has his act together, or am I looking for Mr Perfect who doesn't exist? these are all good points, but can you really say for sure you have him pegged right? I'd need more info on someone before making a decision. But maybe you are better at picking up that aspect, I don't know!?
SeraBella Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 But as I said, I realized today that no man is going to be perfect and life is about growing and changing, and maybe his good qualities are good enough that I could overlook the fact that he doesn't like his job, hasn't finished a college degree and doesn't really know what he wants to do. At least he knows he wants his work to stem from his values though, like helping people. Is it really too much to ask for a really nice genuine guy who also has his act together, or am I looking for Mr Perfect who doesn't exist? It's not too much to ask for at all...but you also told this guy you didn't think he was long term material after just 2 dates. It takes longer than 2 dates to determine if ANYONE is long term material. It would be easy for someone to lie to you and seem genuine and act like he has his life together on those 2 dates...giving you the impression he's long term, and then you later find out he's not. Right now just focus on the chemistry and if you enjoy each other's company. Focusing on if it will go long term within the first few dates will mostly likely result in nothing long term at all. I mean, if he's a complete jerk/loser, obviously you don't want to continue, though.
Author izzylicious Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 I can't really say I had him pegged right, but besides being very sensitive and self-aware, he showed no evidence of being responsible--I mean it seems irresponsible to me to actively persue dating when you are making big changes in your life and then there's the money issue, which I have to admit I didn't ask him to clarify. I guess I just kind of panicked because he seemed to like me so much when he doesn't even know me that well and I don't really know him that well either and the new divorce is a warning sign to me. I sent the email based on a gut feeling that at age 33 I don't need to get involved with another man who doesn't have his act together, and I honestly didn't realize how jerky it is to write an email like that until I was reading a post on this mesage board.
Florida Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I can't really say I had him pegged right, but besides being very sensitive and self-aware, he showed no evidence of being responsible--I mean it seems irresponsible to me to actively persue dating when you are making big changes in your life and then there's the money issue, which I have to admit I didn't ask him to clarify. I guess I just kind of panicked because he seemed to like me so much when he doesn't even know me that well and I don't really know him that well either and the new divorce is a warning sign to me. I sent the email based on a gut feeling that at age 33 I don't need to get involved with another man who doesn't have his act together, and I honestly didn't realize how jerky it is to write an email like that until I was reading a post on this mesage board. Maybe you were sub consciously punishing him for the person you imagined him to be (your ex) , just apologize, but he will probably be pretty offended at this point.
SeraBella Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I can't really say I had him pegged right, but besides being very sensitive and self-aware, he showed no evidence of being responsible--I mean it seems irresponsible to me to actively persue dating when you are making big changes in your life and then there's the money issue, which I have to admit I didn't ask him to clarify. I guess I just kind of panicked because he seemed to like me so much when he doesn't even know me that well and I don't really know him that well either and the new divorce is a warning sign to me. I sent the email based on a gut feeling that at age 33 I don't need to get involved with another man who doesn't have his act together, and I honestly didn't realize how jerky it is to write an email like that until I was reading a post on this mesage board. I panic with that, too! I never trust someone who seems to like me too much too fast. I just feel like "he barely knows me, how can he know he's this into me?" It creeps me out. I would probably have reacted the same way you did. I don't think I would have written an email, but I would have had all of the same reservations. I still think that if you think there is a possibility that you would like to see him again, then apologize. Realize he may be highly offended and not want to, but he also may completely understand. And he may respect you.
Author izzylicious Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 I actually just got a very nice loooooong email from him. I'm writing him back now. I'm so glad you understand about the whole liking me too much too early on thing. I mean, I'm confident enough to feel as though I am likeable, but it makes me feel like the other person is a little desperate or in a hurry, and I have to wonder why. I am definitely apologizing and asking if we can get to know each other without the pressure (is that possible?!) Thanks!
SeraBella Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I actually just got a very nice loooooong email from him. I'm writing him back now. I'm so glad you understand about the whole liking me too much too early on thing. I mean, I'm confident enough to feel as though I am likeable, but it makes me feel like the other person is a little desperate or in a hurry, and I have to wonder why. I am definitely apologizing and asking if we can get to know each other without the pressure (is that possible?!) Thanks! A guy I dated a few years ago was this way and totally pushed me away because of it. He would tell me he missed me already when I was leaving his house...I was like..I haven't even left yet! He was definitely desperate to be married. He met another girl and they were engaged after 3 dates. The wedding was a less than a year later. Anyway, I am glad I pulled away from him because he cheated on her. I guess I should admit it was with me that he cheated on her with (I'm not proud, I know I'm an ass and it should not have happened). But, I mean, that situation just makes me even more hesitant with the people into me too fast. I also think I'm likeable, and I'd like to think that I'm so likeable they should like me that fast, but I feel like life just doesn't work like that. Glad he wrote you a nice email. He's still probably into you. I hope things work out...either dating/friendship.
Author izzylicious Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 I'm updating and hoping to get more input...I apologized to him and we talked for a lonnng time and agreed to be friends with the potential to date. He asked me out for Valentine's which I thought was fun considering our agreement, and he came over and we made dinner, watched a movie and talked. He brought me cds he had made and a small gift--so nice! A little disregarding the "friends" boundary, but not pushy or over the top. But then when we were talking things kept turning back to our dating potential and he told me if I was seeing anyone else it would be a dealbreaker for him or at least something he would have to think about. Hmm? I was honest and said I was emailing with someone else I met from the dating site, but we hadn't met in person. But really, if we are "just friends," this shouldn't be an issue, right? Anyway, even though he seems like such a nice guy, I just feel something were to happen between us, it would take a while for his good qualities to outshine lack of goals in his life. When I try to talk about it with him, I feel like I sound like I think I'm superior because I have my own business and am also in school, planning to go to grad school. Then today he called me and said he wanted to come over and talk tomorrow, so I'm guessing he doesn't want to see me any more. I feel like a jerk again--he's a good hearted, communicative man, which seems rare and precious, but I can't seem to get past his lack of stability. I was willing to do the friends thing and see what happens, but now it seems like I blew it completely. I know I am not very good at relationships, so I was starting to think that this guy could be a good match for me since he is so committed to "talking about things" and getting things out in the open. I know I'm not perfect, but again, I am wondering if it is too much too ask for a really communicative, good man who isn't afraid of commitment, but also has some direction in his life?
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