JohnDoe200Three Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) OK well this really isnt a normal scenario although having a girlfriend who is a stripper isnt normal to begin with. Anyways it makes it harder for me since i am in the military. Before i start we are both in our early 20's. I come back from being away for a 6 month deployment only to find out my girlfriend started stripping. Right now there is so much going through my head I dont even know where to begin and cant even fathom what i should do right now. Anyways here goes. Obviously she was waiting for me once i got back and everything seemed just fine. We went out to dinner and after that to a bar to play some pool and get a few drinks. While we were sitting there inbetween a game of pool she says she needs to tell me something. Instantly i am worried in what she is about to say. So she says it. "I am stripping now". At first she was waitressing in there ad then when she needed the money to supposrt her son she started stripping. Now shes been doing it for about 2 months. I really didnt know how to respond so i sat there in aw for about a half hour without saying a word. Then we left. About two days later. I told her how i felt and that i dont think id be able to handle that. She started crying and eventually told me that she would quit. Now it is two days later and i asked her if she was serious about quitting. Now she says after she thought about it more she isnt going to quit. Not for anybody including myself. She stripped for a little while in the past which i knew abbout and quit for her ex husband and now regrets that seeing where it left her. So now she is in debt because of him and has a son who is very young. Being in a military town makes it all that much harder seeing that guys i know go to the stripclubs here regularly and now they will see her there. while we talked about everything again today she is very clear that she wont quit for anyone including me and she doesnt really know when she will quit even if she gets rid of her debt. She tells me she enjoys what she does and makes it seem like it isnt only about the money although she believe there isnt another job out there right now that she could get in order to pay off her debt and support her son. She thinks im selfish for wanting her to quit, but i dont think thats the case at all. I told her personally i think it is degrading and such but she disagrees. So then i asked if her parents knew and she said no and that she doesnt plan on telling them. Obviously i am not going to say anything to Edited February 7, 2008 by JohnDoe200Three Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 First off, THANK YOU for standing up and defending our great country. Secondly - I totally see your side. And I also see your gf as a young woman who is a single Mom and feeling the pressure of some debt, and sees this as a good way out. BUT, I think if you view what she is doing as degrading, and therefore showing that you wouldn't respect her, then there really is no choice but to break up, right? She has thrown it down that she will NOT quit for you or anyone. I also think that all of your military buddies seeing her like this would be very upsetting to me as well. Sorry, but I think you are entitled to your feelings, and I think your best bet is to end it, as it will only progress into an ugly break-up anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 It's a good way to pay off debt and get a savings started, but it isn't a job with much of a future. If she gets too chummy with the girls she works with she will be out shopping all that money away in no time. Because it is a degrading job to work. I did it and the fun wore off fast! Shopping and partying was the favored way of making yourself feel better about it for me and most of the girls. If she doesn't use this extra money after the debt is gone to get trained in something else she will end up doing it till she hates it or is told she is too old to continue. Then when she quits she will have to go back to low wage jobs and get used to having nothing all over again. She needs to use this situation to get a degree or learn a decent trade. I would support her in this and tell everyone else they can stuff it so long as she has a realistic goal to get out and into something else. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 It's a good way to pay off debt and get a savings started, but it isn't a job with much of a future. If she gets too chummy with the girls she works with she will be out shopping all that money away in no time. Because it is a degrading job to work. I did it and the fun wore off fast! Shopping and partying was the favored way of making yourself feel better about it for me and most of the girls. If she doesn't use this extra money after the debt is gone to get trained in something else she will end up doing it till she hates it or is told she is too old to continue. Then when she quits she will have to go back to low wage jobs and get used to having nothing all over again. She needs to use this situation to get a degree or learn a decent trade. I would support her in this and tell everyone else they can stuff it so long as she has a realistic goal to get out and into something else. GREAT advice, listen to Sally4sara ! Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Unless you're going to support her I don't think you have any place to tell her what she can do for a job. If it's not something you can live with, leave her in peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnDoe200Three Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 i appreciate all of your thoughts and am still not 100% sure what i am going to do at thi point. As of right now we are still together but i still have many mixed emotions. I never really felt like this and really dont know what to do still. So many things are going through my head right now it isnt even funny. Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 I once had a girlfriend of about 7 years who stripped. I never saw it as degrading as she always acted in a respectful way. I remember people would say things about her being exploited but considering the amount of money that she would bring home, it was clear to me that it was the guys who went in to see her who were getting exploited. Strippers, in general, have a reputation of being party girls who sleep around a lot. As far as I know, I don’t think that she was ever sexually involved with any one else while we were together. It wasn’t just the money that drew her to stripping. I think that she really liked the attention that she got. She once told me that she got a kick out of pulling up her skirt and watching strangers react. She used to tell me that her job was to make people happy which she seemed to do really well, regardless of what she did. She did however develop a drinking problem that was partly related to her job, and partly related, I think, to emotional problems from her childhood. Towards the end I started hanging out when she worked so that when she wasn’t on stage she would come and sit with me. The more I did the less she drank and eventually pretty much quit drinking when she quit stripping when she was 28. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 I dated a stripper once and she broke my nose. She was black and we went out and a white girl started talking to me and she went psycho. On the way back to her house she was sitting in my passenger seat trying to kick out the front widshield and when she got out she cold-cocked me and blood started running down my face. Thats a true story. Some of those girls are unstable Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 I dated a stripper once and she broke my nose. She was black and we went out and a white girl started talking to me and she went psycho. On the way back to her house she was sitting in my passenger seat trying to kick out the front widshield and when she got out she cold-cocked me and blood started running down my face. Thats a true story. Some of those girls are unstable Whoah! Well I don't think someone's gotta be a stripper to be unstable...but an experience like that will make ya think otherwise... I can see why the OP is frustrated. I've known guys to date strippers...but only because they were strippers in the 1st place, and it looked cool for them to tell buddies they were sleeping with her...but guys among guys know better than to take it as a "serious" thing...it's usually more like a temporary, fun thing...and perhaps costly if these chicks are opting to be on duty during their off time. But to have someone become a stripper while your in love with them...ouch. Boyfriends like it if you give them a private strip tease, or even if your really drunk and end up stripping at a party...then it's funny...but to do it for a living, to know that many strange men are paying to see your GF naked...ouch. I dont' know, some guys might be totally ok with it, or even way turned on by it... Basically the OP no longer approves of his GF's lifestyle, and she's not willing to change for him, so if it's going to hurt him he should get out now. Plus, she is not only making quite the buck with this job but it's millions of opportunities to meet other men. Who could even begin to trust her. If they break up, she'll probably spend the rest of stripping career being totally used and wondering why she can't find another good boyfriend. She's making a bad choice in my opinion, but if she enjoys it that much, so be it. Chances are she's looking at it this way: what's more important, my son or my boyfriend? Well anyone would choose their son. Strippers can make $1,000's in one night. In her mind she's thinking of the easy money, along with having fun, and feeding her kid. Apparently the benefits outweigh the disadvantages...losing her boyfriend. It sounds like she's thought this through and knows what she wants. Might as well let her go with it and let her go period. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Strippers, in general, have a reputation of being party girls who sleep around a lot. I know thats what most people think, but I was married when I did it. Most of the girls who I worked with had boyfriends and didn't sleep around. They were, however, big into partying and spending money. I will say to the OP that most of their boyfriends were jerks and hated their job, but were perfectly happy to spend the money earned by it. I worked the job before I was married and never said I'd quit once married. Hell, I couldn't have quit after I got married; he would barely keep a job! But it was really horrible to spend all night dealing with guys behaving their worst and then come home and get crapped on about it. If you can't continue to treat her well while she works this job do the both of you a favor and cut out now. And please know she is working this job to provide for her kid and herself. If you ask her to quit for you to stay you are also saying you will take on part of that responsibility. You can't ask her to quit making the money she needs just for YOUR needs and stand by watching her and her kids needs go un-met. Link to post Share on other sites
JerseyShortie Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 I am sure, as a military man, there are things in your line of work that you have had to do, that you would rather not. But you do them out of duty to your country. And that is a respected quality. She is doing what she needs to do to take care of her son. Not all of us are born to be scientists or chefs. It's actually quite honorable of her to be putting the needs of her child as a priority to make ends meet. You could always look at it that way. It is also honorable that she isn't looking to you to support her. And that she is has enough of a backbone to stand up for what she wants. Those are actually all good qualities to have in a woman. At the end of the day, she is still the same woman that you obviously care for. Stripping, or any job, doesn't automatically change that. I can't help but wonder if your concern is more for her, or for the reputation you fear she will garner with your work/friend mates. Will your work/friends mates see her? Possibly. Will they think sexually about her? Possibly, again. Will they think disrespectfully about her? Again it is possible but who cares as long as you respect her. What makes you care more about what a bunch of men will think over what you think and know about her? You are suppose to be on her side, loving her for who she is. Accepting her for who she is. Respecting her even if your friends aren't. If that isn't something you can give her, then you do need to let her go. I don't know you, but you are a guy. And most guys like porn and most guys like going to strip clubs. (Sadly to the dismay of many women in relationships..but I digress). But men have this weird double standard where they love both these things but pretentiously and unfairly judge the women in these two avenues. As if thinking that they are "better" for watching/engaging in these things. It sounds like you care about her and are just watching out for her but at the end of the day, she is who she is. You either accept it or your don't. And there is nothing wrong with not being able to accept this. We all have our boundries. But her job doesn't change the person she is. The person who you obviously like. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 i appreciate all of your thoughts and am still not 100% sure what i am going to do at thi point. As of right now we are still together but i still have many mixed emotions. I never really felt like this and really dont know what to do still. So many things are going through my head right now it isnt even funny. It's very clear what you should do. You are deeply uncomfortable with her stripping, there is no way you will be able to live with it. Even if you somehow tried to tolerate it, you'd always have it on your mind and it would eat you up inside. She would sense this and it would cause friction between you that would lead to a break up anyway. The fact that she hid this from you while you were abroad, and doesn't care about the effect on your feelings or reputation amongst your friends, is a very bad sign. Another poster says you don't have the right to determine her employment. That is true, but you do have the right to say you don't want to date someone who works in a job you find degrading, distasteful, and disrespectful to you. You must leave now, there is no other option. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 And please know she is working this job to provide for her kid and herself. If you ask her to quit for you to stay you are also saying you will take on part of that responsibility. You can't ask her to quit making the money she needs just for YOUR needs and stand by watching her and her kids needs go un-met. You talk as though there is no alternative way to make a living in one of the richestest country in the world. Most single mothers in the USA manage to support themselves without stripping, so I don't buy this argument. If the debt load is crushing then she can always declare bankruptcy or reschedule the debt load with creditors. In this case, stripping is a choice, not a necessity. It's not like she is a penniless starving refugee in a war zone. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 It's very clear what you should do. You are deeply uncomfortable with her stripping, there is no way you will be able to live with it. Even if you somehow tried to tolerate it, you'd always have it on your mind and it would eat you up inside. She would sense this and it would cause friction between you that would lead to a break up anyway. The fact that she hid this from you while you were abroad, and doesn't care about the effect on your feelings or reputation amongst your friends, is a very bad sign. Another poster says you don't have the right to determine her employment. That is true, but you do have the right to say you don't want to date someone who works in a job you find degrading, distasteful, and disrespectful to you. You must leave now, there is no other option. A lot of jobs are degrading; ever worked retail or food service? How about as a maid or personal assistant to a real crap person? Isn't it funny how this type of degradation is viewed as being so much worse when it pays better than the others I mentioned. This typically offends men more than the idea of being with someone who gets crapped on all day at another job and takes it with a smile for a fraction of the money as incentive. I find that to be truly sad that a guy would rather his girl get food thrown at her by kids in a lunch line for $6 an hour than make much much more as a stripper with bouncers at her aid. Now if you could say you were dating a swim suit model.....thats worth bragging about and WAAYYY different right? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) A lot of jobs are degrading; ever worked retail or food service? How about as a maid or personal assistant to a real crap person? Isn't it funny how this type of degradation is viewed as being so much worse when it pays better than the others I mentioned. This typically offends men more than the idea of being with someone who gets crapped on all day at another job and takes it with a smile for a fraction of the money as incentive. I find that to be truly sad that a guy would rather his girl get food thrown at her by kids in a lunch line for $6 an hour than make much much more as a stripper with bouncers at her aid. Now if you could say you were dating a swim suit model.....thats worth bragging about and WAAYYY different right? You misread my post. I don't view stripping by itself as degrading or socially inferior to any other line of work. IMO it's just as legitimate a profession as being a doctor or lawyer, let alone being a shelf-stacker or other menial job. I was calling it degrading *to the partner* of the stripper (reread my post, where I said "degrading....to you"), if the partner is not cool with it. Why? Because if you are in a realtionship, the nature of stripping (just like other adult work) means that it inevitably impinges on aspects of a relationship that people take for granted, for example exclusivity. When you come home at night to your partner, they don't get bothered that you were out selling your table-waiting, cleaning, or shelf-stacking ability to strangers. No one (except a few neanderthals) thinks that being in a relationship means you should only cook, clean, or do chores for your partner - it's not some kind of intimate activity with strong emotional elements such as jealousy, trust, love and passion get affected. No reasonable man would be bothered if his girlfriend or wife cooked a meal for friends, work colleagues, or strangers. Yet almost all men would freak out if the gf/wife came back and said "Hi honey, I just did a strip show for your friend Bob and the other guys at the office". Degrading menial work is intrinsically different to work that involves giving access to things which are normally considered private and intimate between a couple, and not to be shared elsewhere. Selling nudity to strangers explicitly involves an activity that is normally considered off-limits to anyone outside the relationship in question. Now I readily admit that some men are cool with this, a few would even enjoy it. But most men - and by his anguished posts it is clear that that the original poster is one of them - find it deeply disturbing and unsettling. They don't find it deeply disturbing if their gf is stacking shelves, peeling onions, or waiting tables. If you think showing yourself naked whilst in a relationship is equivalent to that, then you simply have a different view of relationships than 98% of the human race. Note that I have no problem at all with stripping for single women (or men), or if the stripper is in a relationship or married, so long as the partner is cool with it. Unlike most of society, I don't think strippers are socially inferior or look down on their line of work. But if the partner is not cool with it, then it is perfectly natural and reasonable for them to feel that way. Stripping, like most other adult services, is fundamentally different for the partner of the stripper, than so-called "degrading" work, because it involves things that are normally sacred in a relationship (such as exclusivity). That's why it is inconsiderate and selfish of this woman to strip behind her bfs back. It was obvious that it would hurt his feelings (hence why she hid it from him). If she really wants to do it, that's fine, but she should tell him first and then accept that he will find it extremely troubling and offputting, and may quite legitimately want to end the relationship. It is not controlling or wrong for him to feel this way or want to leave, if that is indeed his choice. Edited February 9, 2008 by mental_traveller Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Now if you could say you were dating a swim suit model.....thats worth bragging about and WAAYYY different right? I'd have no problem dating a swimsuit model *or* a stripper, as long as I knew in advance and didn't have it sprung as a surprise. Indeed, if it wasn't for the health concerns about STDs, I'd be fine with dating a porn star too (although obviously I wouldn't be exclusive with her). But what I feel is not the issue here, it's what is right for the original poster. From his post it's obvious he is very unhappy with the idea of her stripping. So it is equally obvious that they are not suited to each other. The obvious course of action is to end the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 My ex-girlfriend made $1-2000 a week working 15 hours as a stripper. I made about $1300 a week working 40+ hours as an engineer. We lived very well, especially considering I had paid off my house by then. I was always proud of her, proud to have her as a girlfriend. Not many guys have a girlfriend that is so hot that other guys line up to pay money to her for the right to gawk at her and wish that they had a girl as hot as her. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Strip clubs should be shut down. The fact that that kind of money changes hands so quickly is precisely why they are a menace. Theyl never shut down strip clubs and massage parlors for the same reason theyll never put a fence on the border. Im losing faith in democracy. Maybe we should reconsider if democracy is really such a great idea after all Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 My ex-girlfriend made $1-2000 a week working 15 hours as a stripper. I made about $1300 a week working 40+ hours as an engineer. We lived very well, especially considering I had paid off my house by then. I was always proud of her, proud to have her as a girlfriend. Not many guys have a girlfriend that is so hot that other guys line up to pay money to her for the right to gawk at her and wish that they had a girl as hot as her. So why is she your ex then? Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 So why is she your ex then? People change. We were together for a little over seven years, the longest I've ever been with a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 People change. We were together for a little over seven years, the longest I've ever been with a woman. Fair enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbledore Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Fair enough. That was a diplomatic way of saying "her boobs started to sag." Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Mental, I may have quoted you but my advise was for the OP. As I told him earlier, if he can't deal then he should bow out. And hey - she did tell him when he came back home. His not being there, not being her husband or living with her and her financial situation not being his responsibility probably lent to why she didn't get his "permission" first. I was simply pointing out that his concerns might be a bit ego driven. B4R, Democracy? You mean a society characterized by having formal rights and privilages? You know, like the right to chose any job you want? How exactly did we get on politics? How would you deciding to close all strip clubs be a democratic decision? Furthermore...What? Its all closely linked to why we don't have border wall? Link to post Share on other sites
Quinch Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) I used to have a friend who was a stripper but I never thought of her as degrading herself. It's not exactly prostitution so let's not blow things out of proportion. She did it for a while because (a) the money helped to get her through college and (b) she realised that she probably won't have such a good body in 20 years so why not make the best of it now? Being a stripper never made any difference to how I saw her as a person, it never bothered her boyfriend and she's now a successful architect. Why should it be a problem? Edited February 9, 2008 by Quinch Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 Strip clubs should be shut down. The fact that that kind of money changes hands so quickly is precisely why they are a menace. Theyl never shut down strip clubs and massage parlors for the same reason theyll never put a fence on the border. Im losing faith in democracy. Maybe we should reconsider if democracy is really such a great idea after all Errrrr, are you trying to say that strip clubs should be shut down in the name of "democracy"? I was under the impression that democracy was about being able to make your own choices.... I don't like strip clubs much myself, as I think it brings at the worse qualities in men and women, but I think people should have the right to do that if they want. To strip or not to strip...that is the question. Link to post Share on other sites
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