mclovin Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) This thread may also belong in the divorce category, but here I go with my situation: I've been married for almost two years and my relationship with my husband emotionally, intellectually and sexually has always been poor. I thought it would change with marriage and time, but has gotten worse. For the past 7-9 months I have been contemplating a divorce. Sexually, our relationship is non-exsistant to poor and he has used psychological abuse to bring me down in regards to his lack of interest towards sex. Now, I recently had an affair with a MM (who is separated). I have known him on and off for about a year-in-a-half. I was extremely physically & sexually attracted to him. We had amazing sex. Being my husband was my only partner prior to this, I never knew sex was this amazing or that men had such high sex drives (silly me,huh?). However, I felt no emotional feelings towards the OM, nor any intellectual stimulation. For me, it was purely sexual. The affair last about two months. Neither one of us has contacted each other in the past week or more-plus, I was somewhat angry at the OM for sneaking off a condom behind my back when I told him several times I was not on any form of BC and he knows I am married! So that also made me loose trust in the possiblity of being with him since this man also has a history of two ex-families (now I see why, ha!). STD's have been checked & everything is cool, but still, I was angry at the action itself. Anyway, now that I've discovered what it's like to be with another man, I want to meet more. I'm fully aware what I did is WRONG, there's no excuse, etc,etc. On top of this, things got worse between my husband and I and I told him we should get a divorce, which he agreed to. Now, he's stalling on the divorce and postponing all the things that go into it. He even suggested counseling (like I did several months ago, but he wouldn't do it). At this point, the combination of our lack of compatibility, what I discovered and now that I'm ready to move on, I'm having a difficult time telling him I am finished forever and don't want to pursue the marriage anymore. It's tough for me to break his heart. There are times I want to maybe try to make it work, but I'm just to far gone to be motivated to even try it. Even worse, he asked me if I had an affair with the OM and if I was seeing anyone else. I said no of course. But now I'm haunted by the whole affair in general. I don't regret it at all because I wanted to do it, but I feel remorse everyday. I just want to move forward and meet other men. How do I deal with this? Edited February 7, 2008 by mclovin
bentnotbroken Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Tell him about the om, he'll move on then. And since you want to be way from him anyway, what does it matter if you tell him?
OpenBook Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 You'll find no shortage of MM out there who are ready, willing and able to cheat on their sexless W's. The question is, is that what you want??
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 You owe him the truth, because if he finds out you had an affair on his own (and he may) it will devastate him even more. Anyway, you want out of your marriage, tell him you want the divorce. Staying because you're afraid to hurt him is only going to make it worse. Better for him to get out of the marriage so he can heal and find someone else who will love and appreciate him.
norajane Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I've been married for almost two years and my relationship with my husband emotionally, intellectually and sexually has always been poor. Why did you get married when this was the case?? I'm guessing your husband didn't know you felt that way or he wouldn't have wanted to marry you. Your whole marriage was based on a fundamental deception (or omission of the truth, if you prefer) on your part. Your husband doesn't know how you felt when you married him, and he doesn't know you've been cheating on him. You now have a chance to cut his losses by getting a divorce sooner rather than later. Don't drag this out - if he won't take the steps, then you need to file for divorce yourself.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Like I said before, you've already put the knife in his back you might as well twist the knife deeper. All because you want some outside D***?! Tell him the truth and give him a voice to the marriage. The grass aint greener, Especially if the BW wife finds out, you ever hear of a woman scorned? She might just make your life hell out of spite. A moment of pleasure could equal a lifetime of pain.
Meaplus3 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 This thread may also belong in the divorce category, but here I go with my situation: I've been married for almost two years and my relationship with my husband emotionally, intellectually and sexually has always been poor. I thought it would change with marriage and time, but has gotten worse. For the past 7-9 months I have been contemplating a divorce. Sexually, our relationship is non-exsistant to poor and he has used psychological abuse to bring me down in regards to his lack of interest towards sex. Now, I recently had an affair with a MM (who is separated). I have known him on and off for about a year-in-a-half. I was extremely physically & sexually attracted to him. We had amazing sex. Being my husband was my only partner prior to this, I never knew sex was this amazing or that men had such high sex drives (silly me,huh?). However, I felt no emotional feelings towards the OM, nor any intellectual stimulation. For me, it was purely sexual. The affair last about two months. Neither one of us has contacted each other in the past week or more-plus, I was somewhat angry at the OM for sneaking off a condom behind my back when I told him several times I was not on any form of BC and he knows I am married! So that also made me loose trust in the possiblity of being with him since this man also has a history of two ex-families (now I see why, ha!). STD's have been checked & everything is cool, but still, I was angry at the action itself. Anyway, now that I've discovered what it's like to be with another man, I want to meet more. I'm fully aware what I did is WRONG, there's no excuse, etc,etc. On top of this, things got worse between my husband and I and I told him we should get a divorce, which he agreed to. Now, he's stalling on the divorce and postponing all the things that go into it. He even suggested counseling (like I did several months ago, but he wouldn't do it). At this point, the combination of our lack of compatibility, what I discovered and now that I'm ready to move on, I'm having a difficult time telling him I am finished forever and don't want to pursue the marriage anymore. It's tough for me to break his heart. There are times I want to maybe try to make it work, but I'm just to far gone to be motivated to even try it. Even worse, he asked me if I had an affair with the OM and if I was seeing anyone else. I said no of course. But now I'm haunted by the whole affair in general. I don't regret it at all because I wanted to do it, but I feel remorse everyday. I just want to move forward and meet other men. How do I deal with this? I can so relate to you! First off you do need to tell him about the mm and your affair, it's only the right thing to do. Then you need to tell your H that it's over..this is not easy..Seek a lawyer and head for a divorce.I advise you to do this only if you know that it's 100% what you want and you are sure you have tired to save your marriage! I wish you the best of luck, I know this is not any easy spot to be in! Stay strong. AP:)
NoIDidn't Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 If you don't want the marriage anymore, divorce him whether he stalls or not. I am going against the grain here, but I don't think you should tell your H about the OM. Mainly because he sounds like he won't handle it well. I am not saying to lie to him as you already have, I am saying don't volunteer the info if you don't have to. Easier said than done, I know. File for the divorce. You both get to move on. Whether he knows about the infidelity or not. Maybe he will find out, maybe he won't. But file for the divorce sooner than later. Why is it that he is now interested in therapy though?
Lizzie60 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 My-my.. I can totally relate... I wanted out too..but in my case, I didn't have an affair.. but I was constantly fantasizing about other men... Then I decide to leave... and I met.. did I ever met other men... lol Do what you have to do... if you want to divorce, divorce, no matter if he wants or not.. you have nothing left with him... Life is too short to be miserable in a sexless, loveless marriage. Don't tell him about the affair.. it wouldn't serve any purpose.. your marriage is over... so just leave and keep your secret. Who knows.. he might have cheated on you.. but you'll never find out (assumption)...
Owl Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I think that most of the advice you've been given is right on. Your H is stalling, and trying to suggest counseling because he realizes just how unhappy you are (have been), and wants to work things out. The odds are very high that he really does love you, but never learned how to SHOW you that love in a way that you'll feel it the most. I say tell him. Give him the chance to know the real deal on what's been going on in his marriage (it his too, ya know?), and make it clear that you're done and moving on. Given the short time of your marriage, and that it appears there are no kids involved, if he were posting here, I'd advise him to go ahead with the D and not look back. This is all happening during the 'honeymoon period'...when things are supposed to be new and shiny and good. If its like this now, just imagine how hard it would be when/if the two of you got to the point where you actually have to put some effort into the relationship! Tell him, make it clear that you've moved on...and give him the chance to know what really went on in the marriage so he can learn from it and do better next time.
Tomcat33 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I'm on the fence about telling only because you want to walk, if you were to stay with him then yes I would say 100% tell him but since you want to walk anyway I am missing why you would want to hurt him like that? I know you already hurt him by doing what you did BUT I don't see what good it would do him to know this if you are breaking up anyway? Unless of course it is to get him to stop fighting to keep you, then I can see why you would...Oh wait!! EURIKA!! I think I just answered my own question Ok then I agree with everyone else, tell him. On a sidenote what I don't understand is how people hope that an otherwise mediocre relationship at best, will change after marriage? The "act of marrying" is not a seperate entity from the relationship it IS the relationship? Hmmmmm...?!?? I never really did understand people who put faith of change for the better in an act that can only be a positive one, if based on solid ground?!?
Author mclovin Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Hi people. Thanks for your replies. My H is calling me more than he ever did~even when we were dating! But I feel that this would go back to the way it was if we decided to stay married. Also, I feel 100% like moving on and meeting other men. I keep fantasizing about meeting/dating OM and I guess what I want in my next relationship when that time comes eventually. It's just tough for me to break his heart because I know he still loves me, but he is who he is. What you see is what you get. I'm not sure if years down the line it's fair that he would practically have to re-arrange his whole personality. Maybe there's someone out there who can compliment it better than me. The affair allowed me to completely separate myself from him since I've been contemplating a divorce, but stalling myself prior to this. Guess the right time and the right situation had to happen. Oh, in regards to those of you who suggested admitting the affair, I refuse to do so. I think it would hurt him worse even if he was ready to break free afterwards. Also, I found that he could really get me good for infedility on the divorce. No need for a messy wicked divorce ! I still freak that he may find out because the OM is a Friend on my myspace and I was his ONLY friend. when my H saw it, he questioned me because it looked suspicious. So my H put in a friend request and wrote him an email. The OM accepted this and called me and told me (while he KNEW I was out on a date with my H). My H and OM have met a few times at a local bar, but the OM rarely goes in there. So I freak about that stuff or if he could find out otherwise at times, that's all.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Hi people. Thanks for your replies. My H is calling me more than he ever did~even when we were dating! But I feel that this would go back to the way it was if we decided to stay married. Also, I feel 100% like moving on and meeting other men. I keep fantasizing about meeting/dating OM and I guess what I want in my next relationship when that time comes eventually. It's just tough for me to break his heart because I know he still loves me, but he is who he is. What you see is what you get. I'm not sure if years down the line it's fair that he would practically have to re-arrange his whole personality. Maybe there's someone out there who can compliment it better than me. The affair allowed me to completely separate myself from him since I've been contemplating a divorce, but stalling myself prior to this. Guess the right time and the right situation had to happen. Oh, in regards to those of you who suggested admitting the affair, I refuse to do so. I think it would hurt him worse even if he was ready to break free afterwards. Also, I found that he could really get me good for infedility on the divorce. No need for a messy wicked divorce ! I still freak that he may find out because the OM is a Friend on my myspace and I was his ONLY friend. when my H saw it, he questioned me because it looked suspicious. So my H put in a friend request and wrote him an email. The OM accepted this and called me and told me (while he KNEW I was out on a date with my H). My H and OM have met a few times at a local bar, but the OM rarely goes in there. So I freak about that stuff or if he could find out otherwise at times, that's all. ...this is all gonna end badly. Why are you being a chicken about things, man the hell up and tell the truth. He didnt cheat , you did! He didnt lie, You did, He didnt commit adultery, you did! The quicker you tell him the faster he can heal on his own, he can find someone better than you. What kind of woman are you?
LakesideDream Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 McLovin, Like so many stories I can relate to the sadness of being in a relationship that doesen't satisfy, or even stimulate you emotionally or sexually. I've been where you are now and didn't have the courage to do anything about it. Youth, low self esteem, character defect, maybe all of it worked to keep me where I was. I stayed there over two decades. Don't do it. File for your divorce, go out and have a good time, sow your wild oats and try again if you decide to. Having an affair wasn't a good thing. It's happened though. You will be happier right now without the responsibility to hold together a failing marriage. You husband may end up better off as well. Good luck, I hope your heart leads you to the right place.
Author mclovin Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Chroma- What's going on with the hostility? My intention was to come on here for advice. The affair was wrong, which I admitted intially. The H does not need to know what happened and it's unlikely he'll find out especially now that the whole thing is over and done with. Telling him will just make him feel even worse and God knows what else! Chroma, I'm feeling at the momment you are projecting some of your hostility onto me, perhaps because you were hurt in a previous relationship. Whether this is true or not, you have a right to say I'm wrong, but why with such venom? You don't know me and there's no need for it. What do you expect to find when you search under the OM/OW Cheating forums? People who cheated! So if you're bothered by it, don't visit the forum-that's all. Lakeview-thanks for the support and advice! Good luck to you too
GreenEyedLady Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I agree with LD... Why waste any more of your time in this M? I don't here about children and I don't understand the need to stay married to someone who can't or doesn't know how to meet your needs...And if it's not there for you, why not cut the ties so that both of you can find happiness...
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Chroma- What's going on with the hostility? My intention was to come on here for advice. The affair was wrong, which I admitted intially. The H does not need to know what happened and it's unlikely he'll find out especially now that the whole thing is over and done with. Telling him will just make him feel even worse and God knows what else! Chroma, I'm feeling at the momment you are projecting some of your hostility onto me, perhaps because you were hurt in a previous relationship. Whether this is true or not, you have a right to say I'm wrong, but why with such venom? You don't know me and there's no need for it. What do you expect to find when you search under the OM/OW Cheating forums? People who cheated! So if you're bothered by it, don't visit the forum-that's all. Lakeview-thanks for the support and advice! Good luck to you too Number 1, it's Chrome!!!! Dont get it twisted! Second. Hmmm where do I begin. Telling him would put you on a path of truth, Secondly it would halfway absolve you of your sins. You say you dont want cause your husband pain, but you've already did, the minute you opened up your legs for another man.... ...Next. I'm not projecting anything, you can't honestly try to psychoanalyize me! lmao!!!!! I'm not projecting anything. I am not harsh if it comes out that way, that's what people often say. But I see my heavy handedness as tough love. Alot of times people tend to use kid gloves with posters like you in dealing with issues like yours. If you use kid gloves all your life how you gonna fight with the heavyweights???? Next you sound very defensive. I just laid out the truth for you. Whether you accept it or not is up to you. But you havent felt pain yet. Youve already done the damage. You do more by lies of omission and hiding the truth. As a man in marriage with you shouldnt your partner know who he's married too. Or is that only under your discretion? I wonder if the shoes on the other foot what would you do. Would you like it if he lied to you and cheated and plotted to divorce you behind your back cowardly?
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi people. Thanks for your replies. My H is calling me more than he ever did~even when we were dating! But I feel that this would go back to the way it was if we decided to stay married. Also, I feel 100% like moving on and meeting other men. I keep fantasizing about meeting/dating OM and I guess what I want in my next relationship when that time comes eventually. It's just tough for me to break his heart because I know he still loves me, but he is who he is. What you see is what you get. I'm not sure if years down the line it's fair that he would practically have to re-arrange his whole personality. Maybe there's someone out there who can compliment it better than me. The affair allowed me to completely separate myself from him since I've been contemplating a divorce, but stalling myself prior to this. Guess the right time and the right situation had to happen. Oh, in regards to those of you who suggested admitting the affair, I refuse to do so. I think it would hurt him worse even if he was ready to break free afterwards. Also, I found that he could really get me good for infedility on the divorce. No need for a messy wicked divorce ! I still freak that he may find out because the OM is a Friend on my myspace and I was his ONLY friend. when my H saw it, he questioned me because it looked suspicious. So my H put in a friend request and wrote him an email. The OM accepted this and called me and told me (while he KNEW I was out on a date with my H). My H and OM have met a few times at a local bar, but the OM rarely goes in there. So I freak about that stuff or if he could find out otherwise at times, that's all. Ahhh, the old I don't want to hurt him even worse excuse. I just slept with someone else while married to him and I don't think I want to hurt him more. But later, she states she doesn't want to be screwed in a divorce settlement. Ahhhh, the truth comes out. Let's just make sure he never knows the truth, at least not till after I divorce him. That's nice.
Author mclovin Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 First of all Chrome, you're still disrespectful. Hence the term, "spread your legs" is degrading. YOu can tell it like it is and put things in appropriate words. You don't know me so don't take your bitterness out on me. Secondly, another good reason not to tell my H about the OM is what can come of that aside the fact that my H can use that against me in the divorce. As I mentioned, the OM is technically married with kids and even has a kid from a previous marriage. Now, if the OM is a friend on my H's myspace, I'm sure the opportunity to chat with him about the whole affair would tempt him. It would probably turn into a physical fight (since the OM lives in the same town) and God knows what else. In the momment of despair, my H just may run to his house and tell OM's wife, then OM would freakin' loose it with me possibly. I'm just pointing out possible outcomes here that would be disasterous and possibly dangerous for the three of us and our families. In conclusion, I totally understand what I did is inexcusable, disrespectful, disguisting, etc. It was my choice to indulge. So far, I managed to get away with it and I could just put the whole thing behind me. My marriage had lots of difficulties and that's what lead to my actions (which were wrong obviously). Now, it's painful that our marriage didn't work out. But I'm ready to move on past my H and OM entirely, get a divorce, date others and maybe meet the right person somewhere down the line.
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 It would probably turn into a physical fight (since the OM lives in the same town) and God knows what else. In the momment of despair, my H just may run to his house and tell OM's wife, then OM would freakin' loose it with me possibly. I'm just pointing out possible outcomes here that would be disasterous and possibly dangerous for the three of us and our families. You and the OM brought it on yourselves by choosing to have an affair. If your H finds out and he tells the OM's wife, so be it. Part of the consquences of your actions and choices.. What is stopping you from divorcing now? To be fair, if you don't love your husband anymore, let him go find someone else who can love, appreciate and adore him. If he makes you unhappy, end it now and find that special person for yourself. To stay married and cheat (not sure if you and the OM are completely over or not) is not a wise choice.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) First of all Chrome, you're still disrespectful. Hence the term, "spread your legs" is degrading. YOu can tell it like it is and put things in appropriate words. You don't know me so don't take your bitterness out on me. Secondly, another good reason not to tell my H about the OM is what can come of that aside the fact that my H can use that against me in the divorce. As I mentioned, the OM is technically married with kids and even has a kid from a previous marriage. Now, if the OM is a friend on my H's myspace, I'm sure the opportunity to chat with him about the whole affair would tempt him. It would probably turn into a physical fight (since the OM lives in the same town) and God knows what else. In the momment of despair, my H just may run to his house and tell OM's wife, then OM would freakin' loose it with me possibly. I'm just pointing out possible outcomes here that would be disasterous and possibly dangerous for the three of us and our families. In conclusion, I totally understand what I did is inexcusable, disrespectful, disguisting, etc. It was my choice to indulge. So far, I managed to get away with it and I could just put the whole thing behind me. My marriage had lots of difficulties and that's what lead to my actions (which were wrong obviously). Now, it's painful that our marriage didn't work out. But I'm ready to move on past my H and OM entirely, get a divorce, date others and maybe meet the right person somewhere down the line. Okay no matter how you put it, spread you legs is mild compared to what other guys on the street would tell you, pray your so lucky! No matter how you wanna say it , it was wrong. I dont know you? Yes I do, your a liar and a cheater and you all have the same exact tendencies when it gets too heated and can take it. Give me a freaking break! And as far for you not telling your H about the OM its just you being a coward, you should have thought of the consequences of the affair you Chose!!!! to engage in the affair in the first place!!! You arent just gonna make a mess of things and walk away without a scratch! Either way, your a coward. When this all comes out all because you wasnt honest and being a coward, your gonna have to reap what you sow. It's painful that it didnt work out but you made it that way, now you wanna leave, not even trying to fix things. Your gonna go through the same exact problems in your other relationships. Cheat and leave, cheat and leave. With your track record I'm surprised anyone after this would truly date you, but all things considered when you lie to people about who you are and what you've done, The person who you truly are is a complete lie. I dont say that to be disrespectful. I say that to show you the truth. Why dont you want to get help for your issues that clearly only you have! Edited February 10, 2008 by Chrome Barracuda
justice Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 First of all Chrome, you're still disrespectful. Hence the term, "spread your legs" is degrading. YOu can tell it like it is and put things in appropriate words. You don't know me so don't take your bitterness out on me. Secondly, another good reason not to tell my H about the OM is what can come of that aside the fact that my H can use that against me in the divorce. As I mentioned, the OM is technically married with kids and even has a kid from a previous marriage. Now, if the OM is a friend on my H's myspace, I'm sure the opportunity to chat with him about the whole affair would tempt him. It would probably turn into a physical fight (since the OM lives in the same town) and God knows what else. In the momment of despair, my H just may run to his house and tell OM's wife, then OM would freakin' loose it with me possibly. I'm just pointing out possible outcomes here that would be disasterous and possibly dangerous for the three of us and our families. In conclusion, I totally understand what I did is inexcusable, disrespectful, disguisting, etc. It was my choice to indulge. So far, I managed to get away with it and I could just put the whole thing behind me. My marriage had lots of difficulties and that's what lead to my actions (which were wrong obviously). Now, it's painful that our marriage didn't work out. But I'm ready to move on past my H and OM entirely, get a divorce, date others and maybe meet the right person somewhere down the line. Chrome is right. If you can't take the heat get out of the frying pan, you asked for honest advice, right? That is why you posted here, so don't be surprised if you don't hear what you want to hear. We all have our own opinions and right is right and wrong is wrong. Cheating is never the right thing to do. Divorce before sleeping with someone other than your spouse was a choice you could have made. Instead you chose the harder route of the two. Take some time, get your head on straight and then decide what to do, but above all, be honest with your husband about what you've been doing so he too, can make an informed decision.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I thought the lecture circuit took Sat. nite's off... I guess I thought wrong...
bentnotbroken Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 First of all Chrome, you're still disrespectful. Hence the term, "spread your legs" is degrading. YOu can tell it like it is and put things in appropriate words. You don't know me so don't take your bitterness out on me. Secondly, another good reason not to tell my H about the OM is what can come of that aside the fact that my H can use that against me in the divorce. As I mentioned, the OM is technically married with kids and even has a kid from a previous marriage. Now, if the OM is a friend on my H's myspace, I'm sure the opportunity to chat with him about the whole affair would tempt him. It would probably turn into a physical fight (since the OM lives in the same town) and God knows what else. In the momment of despair, my H just may run to his house and tell OM's wife, then OM would freakin' loose it with me possibly. I'm just pointing out possible outcomes here that would be disasterous and possibly dangerous for the three of us and our families. In conclusion, I totally understand what I did is inexcusable, disrespectful, disguisting, etc. It was my choice to indulge. So far, I managed to get away with it and I could just put the whole thing behind me. My marriage had lots of difficulties and that's what lead to my actions (which were wrong obviously). Now, it's painful that our marriage didn't work out. But I'm ready to move on past my H and OM entirely, get a divorce, date others and maybe meet the right person somewhere down the line. Ahh h, still about protecting you. You are only using your husbands feelings as an excuse not to tell him. You said if he knew he could use it against you in the divorce, or tell the OM wife, which would make the OM mad at you. All YOU. And using his kids as an excuse not to tell, should have been the excuse not to pull out his wee willie winky. So the concern for the kids now, kinda is null and void. And by the way, you only think you got away with it, you haven't.
justice Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I thought the lecture circuit took Sat. nite's off... I guess I thought wrong... Nope, we're open 24/7:) She came here for advice, it's advice she'll get, even if it isn't what she wants to hear.
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