LIVEWIRE Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I just signed up and have been reading over this particular forum. I know so many different threads have been created asking the same things over and over, but only in a different way. I am just curious to any of the OW, if YOU decided to abruptly ended your affair with the man you are involved with because you are tired of waiting for him, what do you think he would do to keep you? Obviously this is hypothetical, but it must be something you might think about once in a while.I know I would After reading this forum for a while, I thought it might be interesting to try an expriment of sorts...that is, to cut off contact with the MM/MW, with no warning for a few weeks. What would they do, what would their reaction be? I am just curious to see if it would actually provoke any of the AP to actually make a decision, or at least move in that direction. Just my input.
OpenBook Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 After reading this forum for a while, I thought it might be interesting to try an expriment of sorts... Great. Why don't YOU try it?
Author LIVEWIRE Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 I would if I were dating a MM, but I'm not. Sorry...
NoIDidn't Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 LW Thing is, none of the OP here would do such a thing because THEY THEMSELVES couldn't bear with the No Contact. It would be seen as game playing on the part of the MP and that would damage the though that they could even continue to trust the OP with keeping the A under wraps. There are other ways to see what the MM would do. But almost all of them are manipulative. And A or not, no one likes being manipulated. But especially not someone that already thinks they are getting over on their spouse and their OP. That person thinks that they are the master manipulator - and in most cases they are, until one of the other legs of the triangle wises up to them.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I just signed up and have been reading over this particular forum. I know so many different threads have been created asking the same things over and over, but only in a different way. I am just curious to any of the OW, if YOU decided to abruptly ended your affair with the man you are involved with because you are tired of waiting for him, what do you think he would do to keep you? Obviously this is hypothetical, but it must be something you might think about once in a while.I know I would After reading this forum for a while, I thought it might be interesting to try an expriment of sorts...that is, to cut off contact with the MM/MW, with no warning for a few weeks. What would they do, what would their reaction be? I am just curious to see if it would actually provoke any of the AP to actually make a decision, or at least move in that direction. Just my input. Ok you asked so here goes...Reader's Digest version... My R is over 3 years old now...I broke up with my MM right before the 2 year mark...I set him free to go work on his M and so I could heal...He came back to me, promised he would leave by the end of the year... As a partner he completely evolved over the R...He is such a caring, tender, considerate partner now...And our R was a R...It was not just sex, it was intimacy in the purest sense of the word... Come September we got into an argument which ended with me asking his intentions and him saying he couldn't leave by the end of the year...I said, "Then we're over. I'm done." And I broke it off... And he came back and promised to fix it... And you know what, he has...I cannot believe what he has done...I have to pinch myself to believe that it is true... I am getting the ending that I wanted...but there's a cost for everything...And in my case, it's worth it...
PoshPrincess Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 What would they do, what would their reaction be? Sweet f**k all! Well, a lot of talk and no action in my case.
OWoman Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 There are other ways to see what the MM would do. But almost all of them are manipulative. And A or not' date=' no one likes being manipulated.[/quote'] I agree with this. I'd far rather be upfront and deal with the consequences either way. If I wanted to end things I'd end them, and it would be final - I wouldn't walk away merely to trigger a response. If I'd wanted an MM to be with me I'd say so - I did, and he left his W to be with me. I think games playing and manipulation are an unhealthy basis for any R - whether M or A or any other kind. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a R with that kind of dynamic!
Author LIVEWIRE Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 Thanks for all your responses. I can see where it would seem like manipulation and game playing, and to a small degree it is. I just think for ME, if I were having an A, I would need to know that the MM would indeed take action if he even THOUGHT he was losing me. Not only that, but in some ways I would have to prove to myself I COULD walk away if and when I needed to. I think doing something like this would actually be a good thing in the long run. Just my opinion.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 The ability the OM/OW has to walk away like that is equal to the ability to handle it if MM/MW simply lets them walk away. A good deal of OW/OM simply can't walk away because they can't handle the idea that MM/MW will let them. Knocking a fence sitter off by providing a clear choice is always a gamble. You can't really predict what side they will come down on, but it almost always is going to be on the side where they stand to lose the least. Generally speaking... that means they will stay married. It makes sense really. A relationship starts like a thread, and as it progresses toward marriage it is a string. By the time kids come along, and investments, and retirements plans, and family rituals, and extended family ties, and so on and so forth the string has formed into a thick rope with many different intertwining threads, strings, etc. When a MM/MW starts a relationship with an OW/OM they are forming a thread. Which is easier and less traumatic to cut - a thread that is shared by two people or a huge thick intertwining rope that incorporates an entire family? Most people are going to cut the thread - its simply easier and makes more sense in the long run. That is why OW/OM generally don't take the hard "walk away ultimatum" route. Now, that said - not all big thick ropes are sturdy. Some are dry rotted, falling apart and unravelling. Along comes OW/OM and the big thick rope will simply continue to disintegrate as the thread grows into a string. As the string gets stronger and the rope grows weaker, then MM/MW will leave when the strength of the string is equal to or greater than the rope. A walkaway ultimatum might work then, but not always - but there is at least a greater chance. The way I see it - the bottom line is this: If an OW/OM lays down the "walk away ultimatum" MM/MW will come but only if they were going to leave the marriage anyway. Otherwise, they will continue to do whatever it takes to keep a rope in one hand and a thread in the other.
Author LIVEWIRE Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 Thanks Lucrezia, that was a well thought out and GOOD response. Spot on.
Tomcat33 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Well let's put it this way: Let's say a woman is dating a man for a long time and she is waiting for him to take it to the next level and pop the question. You have talked about it you know he wants to take the next step it's just a matter of when, does the woman walk out on the man giving him an ultimatum or does she stick it out and give herself a deadline and says "ok I am willing to do this for another year and if it doesn't pan out I need to walk because I don't want to waste any more time waiting for something that won't happen"? In the mean time though she is going to have to make the realtionship worth having, if she sets her mind to nag him for the upcomming year then she might as well just walk then. MOST men would HATE to be given an ultimatum, in the case of the A it's the same thing. If the woman walks when her timeline is up and he has not progressed, the termination should be for her move on, not to get him to propose because she will be setting herself up for dissapointment. The bottom line is this, if an OW decided to walk or go NC she must do it for herself because she no longer wants to be involved with that man, NOT to entrap him into making a decision to choose her. Guaranteed if that is what you are doing it for, you will set yourself up for disspointment. It just so happens that sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder. Before someone says "yeah but it is not the same thing, you can't compare the two" I say yes you can it is the same mentality that drives a person to reach a limit. So forget about what the situation is I am only comparing concepts, not specifics.
Author LIVEWIRE Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 You're right to some degree Tomcat. Thanks for your reply...
Tame Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 What would they do? Likely spend time with their other, other woman...
plumtree Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Well I'll tell you what my ex MM did. I finally had enough of him keeping me in a holding pattern and gave him the elbow. He called me incessantly, leaving ever more desperate, tearful messages on my machine. He told me he and his W had sat the kids down and told them they were going to separate. He said he was devastated but was prepared to do whatever he had to in order not to lose me. I felt desperately sorry for him and after a lot of consideration decided to give him another chance. Big mistake. I later found out that story about telling his kids he was leaving was a lie, like most of what he'd told me. I asked him why he didn't just tell me the truth, give me a chance to get out of the relationship. He said that he knew that I'd leave him if I'd have known the truth and there was no way he was going to allow that to happen. It's over now. I can't believe I ever involved with such a cowardly manipulator.
Author LIVEWIRE Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 Good for you PLUM!!! At least you forced his hand..and in the process learned his true colors...Well done!!!
LadyDi Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Well, I'm different. I don't want the man to leave his wife. That's not part of the deal. If either one of us walk away, the other will be ok with it.
HappyAtLast Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I would have followed her to the very ends of the earth. There is NO WAY I would have let her go.
dont know what to do Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 After we said "goodbye" I made contact with him through myspace because I was so sad and upset, we exchanged a few msgs, but then I didnt call him when I normally would while at work the following week, so he actually called me! Before I knew it, we were back together and even more into one another than before.
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I did that once... told him it was over... then he got so depressed.. he freaked me out.. He was leaving me messages at home.. crying... He would drive around for hours after work, because his eyes were so red from crying... he had to look 'normal' when he got home. It was insane.. he then said he was sooo down that he was thinking of leaving her and the children... I said... noooo way... so we started again. He calmed down.. but I feel more and more that if I ever break with him now he wouldn't freak out. He asks me everytime I come back from vacation if I had a fling, I don't lie.. and I think after getting 'hurt' a few times, it slowed his emotions a little..
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