Saw her with another!! -NC has been a roller coaster

[Roller EastCoaster]

Hi guys, its great to have everyone's support...

 

So here's my story, I had been dating a girl on and off for about seven years. I say on and off because we had a few rough times in between there. But for the past three years it was steady and we ended up movin in together for the last year and half. But just all things come to an end as this one was quite forseeable, it came to an end. It was partly mutual we wanted space, but she was more adamant on acting upon it. She moved out but not too far.

 

I was dealing with things just fine to a degree. I was going out meeting people and enjoying hanging out with friends, but at the same time still vulnerable and calling her and meeting with her to try and "figure" out where she was at with things. This occurred for a month where I did dwell too much, but still stayed in contact as she reached out to me also more than I did with her.

 

**Then one morning I ran into her and some guy who I had always been suspicious was not just a friend at the coffee shop together!!!!! So confronted her and she said, that they were just hangin out, and we had a huge ordeal involving yelling, crying, and name tossing. It was a very ****** up day for me, almost surreal. I reached one of the LOWEST points in my life I think...

 

This was someone who repeatedly claimed future plans.. kids, marriage, the whole thing. She also claimed she wanted to have some space to get her life together and not be too dependent which I understood to a degree, but my big mistake was actually believing that. I knew this really meant time to spread her wings and play the field, but she convinced me into believing that it was a personal improvement plan. I feel that if you really want to prove to yourself you are strong, independent you dont run to another's arms right away. That is weak, disingenuine, and immature.

 

So since the major event of seeing her with another, I have spoken with her a few times, but in general have been riding the NC roller coaster. It is sooooo tough. I find myself rationalising out of it so easily. I love reading these forums they are therapeutic, but when I read and see another person breaking no contact, I find myself thinking in the back of my mind that I should just give her a call too and see what the outcome is.

 

I did not talk to her for three weeks, but by the end it became a mental struggle to continue on, I became so preoccupied and stressed out thinking about it. Just recently I had to speak to her to pick up some stuff of mine and we ve talked briefly about trying to schedule a time to meet up. I think she was trying to dodge my calls for a while, or maybe she shut her phone off cuz NC was getting to her too... Anyways, When I spoke to her last she was with that guy, it was obvious she was short with me and hung up fast, probably cuz she did not want me to question her about him. So I know i need to finish the deal, get my stuff and get out. Im just scared about what i might say when i do see her. Any suggestions on what not to say ? Also I dont know if this girl is worth it-htere have been lies, alot of selfishness, and a whole lot of immaturity. I know after im done seeing her one more time, I must move on, ut its oging to be very very hard, we were in deep. We went through a lot of hurdles together and we both know it. Im hurt and amazed and disappointed that she rand to someone else, but now I must look ahead although there is deep love. NC is so tough and just derails you. Especially when you were seeing that person every day in the morning and at night, saying I love you all the time almost as if a married couple. Now I wrestle with my mind and find myself talking to myself about things I may hypothetically say to her. Its been a very crappy month.

[BalancenLuv20]

Well in terms of "stuff" how valuable is it? I guess my question is are you willing to deal with an extremely awkward, discomforting encounter with your ex- girlfriend that will only make you feel crappier over some material possessions? You need time away from her. I have struggled immensely getting over my ex and am now at about the 5 month mark and a lot of that was because I kept trying to peek in on her life when I should've been concentrating on mine and I exposed myself to some really hurtful, disheartening things. If you do feel a dire need to get your stuff although I have a gut feeling here, correct me if I'm wrong, that you just want an execuse to see her face again, make the dialogue short and sweet "Hi, just here to get my stuff." Maybe ask her how she's doing to be nice, but don't get caught up in small talk, remember you came to get your stuff, not let someone who doesn't want you in your life anymore screw with your heart. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[BrianG]

Its been 4 months for me after a 5 yr. relationship. I find myself talking to myself all the time on what I would say to her. The thing is, it is always something that I had already said to her in trying to reconcile. You said you see people breaking NC on this site as have I and I dont remember seeing one in a long while where it worked coming from the dumpee side (you said it was mutual, but it seems to me like you are hurt by it way more than she is, especially if she has moved on with another guy). I dont know if NC is the right answer by any means (the distance has both hurt and helped). If have spoken from your heart and told her how you felt about her and the situation, then you really dont have a choice but to go NC so you can start protecting yourself and take the long road to healing.

[micahmo77]

Hey bro! read your post and found it to be quite interesting. Reason being because your situation is almost identical to mine. Lived together 2 years been together for 4, the other guy comes into the picture, lose my cool, look pathetic, begging, why would you do that to me etc. etc. I feel your pain my man, its been 8 days for me on the NC thing. Havent talked to her since I found her with the other guy. Just 3 days before I find her with him we took a trip for a week together to Hawaii, thought everything was going good, engaged together the whole bit. WHat im saying is that I understand your situation and what your going through. I dont want to give any advice really since im so new at this and struggling as well. However if I could do things over I would have given her the space she asked for right away, regardless of the other guy. I mean im sure you would still entertain the thought of giving her another chance as would I. Im gonna try this NC thing for awhile and maybe the ex will see that how could she throw away 4 years with some new guy. Hey maybe the same would work for you.

[Roller EastCoaster]

Hey people,

 

Thanks for the input. I know NC is utterly important now. Its amazing how much life is like a game of chess. I mean this is pretty much like a war strategy which I have to stick to. Part of me wants to talk/see her for the following reasons: 1) To make amends over our highly intense previous encounters in which I really gave it to her... but regarding this I don't regret it, because in a way I feel like I was putting a mirror up to her because if I dont she will never take the efforts to figure out for herself (IGNORANCE IS BLISS). You can't really let someone get a way with bull**** especially when it pertains to their interactions with you, so I called her out big time. 2) Paint a picture or image of me to her in which I seem to be real cool about things, not too broken up and able to handle whats going on now. 3) Physical attraction, she's hot stuff and I hate the thought of another guy with her etc etc (we hooked up last time when I saw her bout three weeks ago)

 

Also BalanaceLuv20 you are definitely right. Getting the "stuff" is important but its not the main impetus for me to go see her. See the above points for why I want to see her. Im sure you guys all have or are going through very similar inner battles. But, one thing that I want you guys to know is that there has been no begging here on my part. I consider myself more advanced than her in terms of maturity and dealing with love. I also consider the fact that she pretty much ran into another's arms as evidence for how strongly and intense she felt for me... its like she is going from one extreme to another. I know what she is doing right now is a "band-aid" for some serious hemorrhaging that has been going on, but a band-aid (metaphorically speaking) is superficial and a way to mask a true void she has.

 

Whats kind of funny and interesting is last time we broke up, due to a long period of long-distance, I did NC for a month and was doing really good, and then she started calling me and calling until I finally had to pick up and we slowly got back together. But this time things are different because I have become more aware of some serious flaws she has and they really started to bother me this past year. Basically there are issues of maturity and selfishness which she must address and these things she lacked started to affect me. So I knew there had to be some catharsis, of course I was naive and thought that things could be alot more smooth and nurturing rather than all this dramatic BS, but I guess in love thats not how things go.

 

I know some people here think its best to leave things as they are and move on, with NC. But of course after a few weeks of reflection you think that you have come through another breakthrough which you have to address with her and make her see. But I know this is where I am stumbling... in thinking that she will actually listen to me and that I can control things still. What do you guys think?

[82knightrider]

Leave her alone for a long time until she realizes what she really lost.In the mean time better yourself in every way possible.Time to turn the table

[Roller EastCoaster]

I don't know, I kind of feel as if NC is quite extreme as if it shows them you are very hurt and cannot even handle talking to them any more. I kind of fee l like if I were in their position I would feel like man, they must really be handling this hard if they dont even want to reach out to me anymore. Know what i mean?

[Jackieboy]

RollerEastcoaster,

 

I have said this before and will no doubt say it again. Look up 'No foolin' (Correct spelling) on this site and he will spell out to you in clear terms why you MUST stay with no contact, why it is the best thing to do and exactly what is going on in both your and her head. He helped me, has helped others and will help you. Good luck,

[Chrome Barracuda]

She is immature.

 

But you know what that isnt your problem anymore. It shouldnt be your problem anymore.

 

Keep with NC and stay focused on what your doing!!!

[dfreeman]

I kind of fee l like if I were in their position I would feel like man, they must really be handling this hard if they dont even want to reach out to me anymore. Know what i mean?

 

So what?

 

I don't mind my ex knowing that I am handling it hard - I am a very caring and loving person and even though we were both mean and stubborn in the end, I am not ashamed of having a hard time losing her. I would rather she see that I am drowning my sorrows at the gym and making new friends than grasping at every little chance to hear her angry voice.

 

I'm no success story yet, but LS has me believing that I will be. Believe me (and all who preach it on here) - no statement or little gesture will be better than letting her know that you are man enough to just let things be and leave her alone.