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...My heart feels stomped on but I did it to myself, I guess...


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Posted

Well, we broke up. :o:(

 

When I talked to him on the phone, he hadn't read the E-Mail I sent about his hurtful comments (last weekend I was on my period, but still gave him lots of oral 'cause I wanted him to be comfortable. After it, he told me this one chic on the TV was on his list of girls he would cheat on me with and he made comments about these girls in his old high school year book--which ones he had crushes on and jokingly said he still had a thing for one of them. These types of comments hurt my feelings, especially how it sometimes happens after an intimate moment) , so he read it and called me back. We got into a huge discussion about it and then we talked about other issues. I explained to him that it was largely the context of the comment that upset me; the fact that he made the comment about a list of girls to cheat on right after I gave him head. I said I am the type of person to think of sexual acts as sacred in a way, and that the fact that I lost my virginity to him (and he did to me) solidifies these views in my eyes. He said he felt that it was a deeper issue. He doesn't feel like he can be completely comfortable around me if he has to worry about what he says and in his relationships with his friends, and he would hope with his significant other, he could have that kind of repoir. He also told me that the multitude of issues I've had with certain things has added up (for instance, when I felt a little bit hurt that he had a picture of another girl on the background of his phone all the time...she is a friend of his). He feels that me disliking that signifies that I do not trust him in the relatioship. I never asked him to change the picture off his phone, I just told him that it made me feel weird and that I didn't understand it. When he explained to me his relationship with this friend, I felt fine.

 

Then, I told him that I've had to make sacrifices for him throughout this relationship. For instance, I completely gave up drinking because he doesn't agree with it and I am not on anti-depressants anymore because he doesn't like that. I said that that was a major uproot in my life, much moreso than me asking about a picture and being hurt by comments made after sex. I also accomodate him in many ways, and these are partly sacrifices on my part. For example, every weekend I drive to see him not vice versa because he lives with his mom and I live with too many people, so it wouldn't be possible for him to stay here. Later on, I said maybe it would be best if we took a break right now because we are both at transitioning periods in our lives. So, we decided to do that. But then, later that evening I got really drunk with my sister...ridiculously wasted. We drank wine and watched an Amy Winehouse DVD cause I wanted to wallow in pain...lol. I stayed up all night really, really drunk and eventually got on-line as did he. He IMed me and we talked for a bit but I was still drunk. He was dissapointed that right after we discussed having a break, I went right ahead and drank. In our relationship, I promised him that I would give up drinking completely, even just a glass with my parents once in awhile. I guess after we decided to take a break for a bit, I felt like I wanted to do something to signify a bit of taking my life back. Maybe that wasn't the best way to do it. Anyway, through this conversation, he told me that he doesn't want us to be out of a relationship and that he didn't realize how hard this would be for him to take. We chatted for awhile and I guess we are still together. I kept sending him porn links because I was a bit tipsy and so we talked about sexual things and he kept calling me his girlfriend.

 

Right now, I don't really know what's going on to be honest. I guess we are still together but on a break. I have no idea.

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