moto Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I just stumbled across this forum. Many good questions and some refreshingly sound advice. I tried searching before posting but couldn't come up with any posts specific to what I'm dealing with. Alright, so I'm in a strange relationship (I suppose they are all strange when it gets right down to it, but I digress...). I have been seeing my girlfriend for nearly two years. I asked her out cold about 2 months after my ex wife and I separated (who, as it turned out, had been cheating on me on and off throughout our 4 year marriage--another sad story). Anyway, I was feeling low and on the rebound and this new girl seemed so nice. We hit it off rather well considering she, too, was on the rebound under similar enough circumstances. This rebound business is important because (for her anyway) it is still going on. She is still in regular contact with her ex. Hell, she still hangs out with her ex's mother. Last August, she dropped the bomb on me that she wanted to move out (we'd been living together for about a year and the topic of marriage had recently come up). She moved in with a friend and our relationship went from full-time to part time. Not long after, we broke up. During this time, she briefly tried to get back together with her ex to no avail. I never found out exactly why, but it didn't work out between them. By November of last year, we were back on part-time-relationship status again. She had moved back in with her mother and we now see/talk to each other most every day. Ok, that's the back story. Now, some details on what daily life is like: 1. Sex/sex drive on her part is at best an afterthought. She rarely if ever initiates. (She IS on anti-depressants and there IS a history of abuse going back to her childhood -- both of which I fully understand may be playing a major role in this issue and I am sympathetic). 2. She is somewhat open about her regular contact with her ex. I don't think she's cheating on me, but I do suspect she's keeping her options open. 3. She is determined to get her own apartment. She did leave me high and dry in an apartment that is beyond my budget (I've had to get a second job to cover my costs) and I am in a lease that I cannot break until Spring. 4. She is generous, funny and witty on the surface but VERY stubborn and closed with me when it comes to talking about deep emotional issues. Ok, now my questions: 1. How am I to emotionally cope with a situation where we were living together and quite close, to broken up, to part-time reconciliation, to part time/long term relationship where she is on a year lease in another apartment? 2. I suspect this thing with her ex is some game where they don't want to get together but they will continue to be in each others' lives to disrupt any chances of either one building a relationship with someone new. Does this sound typical? 3. I have tried very hard to be patient and sympathetic throughout the course of this relationship. I guess my final question is the one that gets at the root of all of this. She is so stubbornly ambiguous about deeper issues surrounding our relationship. Why? Reading through this before posting, it seems obvious what some of you might tell me. In any case, I would appreciate your thoughts.
Balthazar Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Moto, Let me get this straight. 1) She doesn't want to live with you, 2) She is in contact with her ex and -clearly- would choose him any day of the week over you, 3) She offers little sex. And after all this, you are trying to be sympathetic and patient with her? WHY ON EARTH would you want to do that? How bout you ditch her real quick like, and find a woman who is into you? Just my 2 cents:)
Author moto Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Thanks for the reply. Funny thing about patience and sensitivity in dysfunctional relationships... the more you invest, the less eager you are to let it go. Yeah well, anyway, I went ahead and confronted her. No anger, no ultimatums, no raised voices. Just as I suspected, her refusal to commit stems from a desire to keep in some sort of neutral contact with her ex. I guess if I have anything to share at this point it would be a lesson I learned when calling off my marriage: Forget all the b.s. and get to the question that really matters. So I asked her, "Do you really even want to be in this relationship?" Nonsense like jealousy, hurt feelings, winning on principle, lame excuses or cheap rationalizations, whatever -- all of this is just noise. If she really doesn't want to be in it, then what have we to talk about? If she doesn't know...well, cut out the noise and let her sort it out.
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