Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I broke up with her because I wasn't ready for a relationship of any sort with anybody. Yet this doesn't stop my love for her. In fact, I think that my heart, unencumbered with the burden of exclusivity, is free to love her more, NOW. I refuse to take her through any more roller coaster rides, and she's probably already over me -- so I won't call her or try to get back together. I refuse to. How does that work? To love someone so much you can't be with them? Is that normal? Who does that?! She might never know how much I love her. It was always a problem within our relationship; me showing my feelings. I wonder if I'll ever grow into the societal norm of wanting one woman forever, getting married and settling down. That's just not where my mind is. Moreover, I don't think it's natural. If I don't think that monogamous, exclusive, lifelong relationships are natural, or right, in a society that promotes them, will I ever find love that won't be tested? Where do I search for the alternative? I don't dig (or maybe I do, I don't know) the whole underground scene of swingers, S&M, and the like. It seems akin to Satanism. Or maybe that's just my conditioning talking. I wonder if there's anyone on this board who can relate to me. This is me coping. I love her. I can't be with her. How stupid is that. Maybe I just didn't ask her the right questions. She might have been willing to follow me down this road. I just assumed she was looking for what everyone else was looking for and cut it off. It seemed like she was. She wants to have kids within the throwes of a normal marriage, I think, and she is very exclusive intimately. Does anyone know these feelings I submit to you?
sedgwick Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Wow, that gives me a lot of insight. Guys really DO break up with girls they actually love!! Fear of commitment really IS that strong! Holy crap. When my ex dumped me, he told me initially it was because he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't also a musician (I'm a dancer; this is apparently not close enough), but then he gave me a bunch of "I'm on tour all the time and I'm just not as sure about it as you are and I don't have time for a relationship." I really did think it was all about him just not being into me, even though we'd been together almost a year and he'd told me he loved me. Apparently I was the third woman he'd ever said this to in his life. I was only the fifth woman he ever slept with (he's 31!) He said his policy now is not to sleep with someone he doesn't love, and it took him three months to decide he was in love with me and did want to sleep with me. So I believed him, because I thought he took it seriously. When he left, even though he was sobbing, I thought it was just an act and that everything was a lie all along. I've spent months wondering if he lied just to hurt me, just so that when he dumped me I'd know just exactly how not-special I was. It seemed to me that that was the only possible explanation, because if you actually DO love someone, you'll do anything to be with them. But you say you dumped this girl out of fear of a relationship and that now you realize you really love her. Shortly after our breakup, a mutual friend said of my ex, "He's hurting a lot, but he's not calling you because he doesn't want to hurt you any further." Which I read as: he's not really hurting because he's a total liar, he's happy as a clam, and "he doesn't want to hurt you any further" means, "he hasn't changed his mind and he still doesn't love you." If you love this woman, truly love her, and you think you actually could commit to her, PLEASE, PLEASE tell her!! Short of my cat, dance company, and book deal, I'd give anything to hear that from my ex.
Author Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 LOL i guess not. 6 views, no answers. You must all think I'm weird. I am. So what.
MattyTee Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 LOL i guess not. 6 views, no answers. You must all think I'm weird. I am. So what. There's a lot of 'think' and 'mind' cropping up there. Perhaps you are not really listening to your heart, it sounds like you are scared and are looking for ways to justify not seeking that courage that could be there for you. Sometimes in life we have to go with intuition, with love and with our hearts. Drop the mind crap, it really doesn't help much There's an opinion at least... Weird is wonderful ... I wouldn't worry about that.
Author Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Fear of commitment. Sed, I was about to argue that no way was that it. I'm not like these other guys. That's weak of people, it just shows you can't man up..., but when it comes down to it, .....that's what it is. I'm a freakin STEREOTYPE! A statistic!! I'm just like other guys! Why am I shouting this like it's cool? I have some real thinking to do. I am fearful of commitment! Is this something I'm supposed to get over? Does age temper this fear? Am I wrong? I hate being boxed in with "the norm." But here I am nonetheless. What's happening to me????? Has there ever been a sure love, so sure that it would be sure enough for me to call my ex, get down on my knees, and beg for her back? What if I felt that fear of commitment again in a month?? It's only been a month. That's not enough time to grow up or change philosophies. This has been a real eye-opener.
Author Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Sometimes in life we have to go with intuition, with love and with our hearts. Drop the mind crap, it really doesn't help much This is how I invoke my intuition. Every time I have a question I need it for, I get in the shower and clear my mind. Then my gut comes through. While I was with her, I had this pain in my gut which my mind translated into "break up with her. break up with her." This pain, completely physically real, lasted for some months. I couldn't shake it. Now, when I get in the shower, there's no pain in my gut, but those same instincts tell me "get back with her. get back with her." That's only been going a week, so far. Can someone shed light on why my instincts seem so...unsure? I thought they were supposed to have the knowledge of millions of years of evolution.
MattyTee Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 This is how I invoke my intuition. Every time I have a question I need it for, I get in the shower and clear my mind. Then my gut comes through. While I was with her, I had this pain in my gut which my mind translated into "break up with her. break up with her." This pain, completely physically real, lasted for some months. I couldn't shake it. Now, when I get in the shower, there's no pain in my gut, but those same instincts tell me "get back with her. get back with her." That's only been going a week, so far. Can someone shed light on why my instincts seem so...unsure? I thought they were supposed to have the knowledge of millions of years of evolution. Intuition is never unsure. What you are talking about is fear If you live your life with fear in your heart then your intuition will constantly be trying to protect you, or to warn you of things that may hurt. If you learn to accept the fear and move through it ... get to the open heart stuff ... then the intuition will work in a different way. Did you ever think "Hey, perhaps I didn't understand what this all meant". Maybe take a look at what is behind all of this. You talk of not wanting to commit to her, but why? What are you afraid of? You say you love her, perhaps even more now, but yet you are afraid of a relationship with her. Why? What is it a relationship actually means to you? Is it simply the sex thing, that you don't want to commit sexually to one partner? If so, perhaps you can look at that. If not ... go deeper. Trust the intuition is there but maybe you are not listening in the right way. Do something different, don't go in the shower - go and sit outside on the grass or something. Take some deep breaths, meditate a bit. Only my two pennies Hao, not saying I'm right or wrong. I do have a lot of experience with fear though and I think it is possible to say that people live in one of two ways: With love in the heart or with fear. You can't have both. Wish you the best
Author Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Wow. I'm so madsadglad right now. Thank you all. I have never looked at these things this way.
Recommended Posts