Belkin Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Hey Sarah! Good to see you back on your own thread Apparently you're "enjoying" the rollercoaster too... One step forward, 20 steps back. It's just like Snakes and Ladders, as some LS poster wrote (can't remember who.) Stay courageous, you'll get through this. I know what you mean when say that everyday passing is anther day he spends with her and another day my memory fades further and further away. But you should rejoice that your memory is actually fading, and that is is not constantly revived by sight, hearing, and smell of your ex. I wish so much I could forget her like you are forgetting your ex... I'd like to give you a few of your own quotes, try to remember the state of mind you were in when you wrote them and KEEP that state of mind! Just remember that even in your darkest hour it will only last 60 minutes then you will be able to feel better again. I guess I'm waiting for someone to say "Hey Sarah it wasn't your fault, he was a real jerk." I know it needs to come from within me. Your right I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like him! I hate being alone i guess! Id never really met anyone who loved me until he came along! Thanks for your kind words tho! I feel better!
Author SarahT111 Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Thanks Belkin! This is just mad! I dont see why im so incredibly in love with him and so hurt after what he has done!! Everyone thinks im mad and cant understand why I would dwell over someone like that but I love him so much!!! I love to be able to keep that state of mind where I don't care or I hate him!! But the hurt, pain and guilt keeps coming bak and WONT leave! ahhhhh
Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Write down all the crap about him! It helped me! Say all the bad stuff out loud, so you'll see he wasn't all that!
ibitealil Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Hi Sarah how are u holding up? I am another YOU :-). WE broke up on september ...things were fine until November (was supposed to be our anniversary, Nov 3) i texted him that day saying how r u? hope u r happy. it was supposed to be our ann. etc. He replied me the next day saying yes time flies blah blah blah..and there he actually tells me that hes been seeing another girl for almost a month. i texted him back trying to sound cool saying that its great that hes seeing another person and im seeing someone too etc (eventhough it was a total lie) I couldnt believe myself that ive been actually REPLACED so fast and hes being so cool when i wasnt...I remember the feeling i first got when i read the text of him. My face burnt up and i actually felt hot and i needed air, i started hearing sound in my ears (the sound u hear when u r tired)..my eyes blurred and i felt this actual physical pain in my chest (heart i guess)..so my shoulders got tight (i couldnt loosen it up)..i didnt wanna eat...i went to bed but couldnt sleep...i was still hearing the same sound in my ears for days..even if i sleep for an hour or two it would be either him or some other nightmare...nothing attracted my interest...if somebody gives me a hug...just a friendly hug id just burst into tears out of the blue (so that my friend for example who gave me a hug would be shocked).i didnt do anything on new years eve..i stayed home and wept alone when the new year was coming...it was as if i like the feeling of being miserable... sometimes id just weep like a dog...id sometimes text him and make a complete fool out of myself (i get ashamed when i think about it now) or would apologize him for i dont know what..and the more i did it the more he pushed me away and then one day he stopped texting me back....id constantly feel like i lost the only chance of my life to be loved....its been 5 months like this..i lost a lot of weight and i got sick often cuz i wasnt eating properly... im a bit better than that now but i still feel im not good enough sometimes...id weep..but one day i deleted him from everything i have...facebook..msn..phone..email address...his pics.... everything...if im out of his memory then he should be out of mine too i thought...he s still in my head of course though it still helps a lil cuz now i dont know how hes doing unless i assume how hes doing... hes older than me...he got this really good job... got promoted and moved into another city...im studying at masters and dont have those things yet...but i have this dream sometimes that id move into the same city that he did get and have the same job or even a better job...and will actually walk through him one day looking all gorgeous and busy ..and hed stare at me like an idiot...so i am actually working on that dream...i started applying for jobs..planning all those things bit by bit ...i still picture myself how im passing him..what am i wearing...and i prepare the speech what i say if he says hi to me...i know i am a moron..and ye may be i ll never see him again and ye u d probably laugh at me but hey that helps me and thats my plan!!! Sarah I am with you girl..time WILL come that those bitches pay for what they did for us!
Author SarahT111 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Heya Ibitealil Thanks so much for that! I did the same thing as you when I found out about my ex bfnds new girl! I acted totally cool like I didn't care then pretended I had a new bf aswell and I was totally happy! This was all done by txt so he couldn't see me colasped in a heap on the floor bawling my eyes out! He was like your ex and was totally cool about replacing me in less than 24 hours. I stalked him on bebo and found all these comments he had send her saying how much he cared for her etc! It ripped my heart to pieces. The next day i txt him and begged for him to reconsider and said I loved him and bla bla bla. He showed no emotion at alll! I told him I couldn't live knowing he was with someone else and he just laughed at me and told me to stop being stupid! I then asked him to stop hurting me and he just said 'riiiight' I was in total shock as I thought we would get back together without question! We only broke up because of an argument! The pain you described when finding about your exs new girl was exactally the same as what i felt!! I still have the physical pain in my chest! I wake up everyday with it and cant seem to shake it no matter how hard i TRY! The thought of him sleeping with his new gf is probably the worst feeling in the world for me right now. Its unbearable but yet its always at the back of my mind! I had to get through Xmas, New yrz his bday and valentines day all in two months and its been soooooooooooooo hard! Worst of all i take it out on everyone else as im so irritable!! I constantly feel like ive lost the chance of my life to be loved aswell! I feel everyday like its my fault and that ive ruined my whole life and i deserve everything that is being thrown at me! I to have lost tons of weight!! Its nice to be slim but not the way i wanted it to happen!!! Has your ex cut you from his life aswell? My ex couldn't care less what im doing right now and it kills me to know he is out there happy with someone else not giving a second thought to my pain and suffering! And i Dont think your a moron for having that dream as that exactally what I do! I dream of bumping into him when hes single and lonely having failed uni and being dumped by his new gf and here I am with my degree and totally in love with my new hot bf! We are also involved in a competitive sport together and I dream of the day when i beat him!!!! (hes way better than me at the moment and loves it) This dream keeps me going! Im working on my dream aswell! But I dont know where im going to find this new hot bf from! I hope he pays sooooo much!!!!!! Whats annoying me is that he did exactally this to the gf he had b4 me. (Loved her to bits, then one day cut her out completly and moved on the next day and never spoke to her again) And he never got what he deserved!! He just did it all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wonder if theres anyway I can help him get what he deserves!! Anyway thanks for your post!! A big help to know im not alone!!! Keep posting, its great to hear from you and how ur doing!!!!
ibitealil Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 hey girl ! well the good thing is i dont want him back anymore. I dont wanna call him or write him anymore and i dont wanna know how he is doing...and i kind of accepted that hes not part of my life anymore...because i moved to another apartment.....i started planning what i do next year etc ...but what i hate is that he completely messed with my ego system...i was this nice, self confident girl before i met him that everyone liked but now im this roach that shrank into the lowest possible level cuz of him..may be he deserves to find love and move on with his life but what did IIII do to deserve such misery because of him :-( :-( :-( What i dont have that this other girl has? I want my old me...i was doing just fine before him and i wanna do the same after him as well :-( i dont talk about it to anybody else anymore cuz 1st i live in another country so that all my best friends are miles away from me...and 2nd i am so embarrassed with the way how I am doing right now...i ignore the good things thats happening to me and take the bad things so close to my heart...because to be completely honest hes not perfect..i ignored and took so much crap from him..and hes getting away from me just because i made a small mistake? On the other hand i think i learnt something out of this break up...now i can see exactly what i did wrong and what my mistakes were...and so i dream that had i get any other bf one day i ll act with him completely different this time that he ll be the luckiest guy in the world... All in all, i dont know what i feel towards him anymore...may be hatred...may be nothing at all...i dont miss him anymore but hes just in my head all the time in some ways....does that make any sense? I think there s this guy who likes me in my campus...but its just not working eventhough i want to flirt with him...or may be i just dont wanna put any effort into it anymore no matter how much i like him...what if this guy would also make me feel so bad...i dont wanna make any investment if that ends like this again...i dont know what makes me happy anymore...i just need magic!!!!!!!!
Author SarahT111 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Well that great that you don't want him back anymore!! Im not so sure im there yet, I don't want him back but im still waiting for some sort of apology or a sign that I did exsist in his life! I no I wont ever get that tho! I also don't want to know how he is doing but only because it breaks my heart to see him so happy with someone else and acting like I exsisted! I have NO idea how he can do this!! I really must have been an awful gf!!!!!!!!!! Hes messed with my ego system really bad aswell! I used to be so happy and friends always told me I smiled to much! Now i barely smile and If I do its forced and always with tears in my eyes! I miss the way my life used to be! I was soooooooooo happy with him! Things finally felt as if they were guna be ok! Before him I was always self concious and unhappy as I was the last of all my friends to have a bf and no guys EVER showed an interest in me! Im really shy so I find it hard to talk to them and therefore went ages without a bf while everyone else was so happy and in love! Then I found my ex and finally I was allowed some happiness also! And it was the happiest two years of my life! It didnt matter anymore that guys didn't like me or that everyone else was so happy and in love. I wasn't scared anymore about where I would end up! Everything was ok again! And of course I loved being 'in love' and having someone who loved me back! Now when I look at what my life has come to it is sooooo depressing! He wasn't even a perfect bf! I ran round endlessly for him, put up with alot i shouldnt have and eventually got my heart ripped to pieces! But like you I was far from perfect also and feel so bad and guilty for everything I did wrong! But like you said if I ever get another bf he will be the luckiest in the world because I have DEFIENTLY learnt my lesson!! I want to make sure this never happens again! All in all, i dont know what i feel towards him anymore...may be hatred...may be nothing at all...i dont miss him anymore but hes just in my head all the time in some ways....does that make any sense? This is great trust me!! It makes perfect sense and I think its great that you dont have to miss him or still want to be with him!! Your defiently heading in the right direction!! I wish I was there!!! I think there s this guy who likes me in my campus...but its just not working eventhough i want to flirt with him...or may be i just dont wanna put any effort into it anymore no matter how much i like him...what if this guy would also make me feel so bad...i dont wanna make any investment if that ends like this again...i dont know what makes me happy anymore...i just need magic!!!!!!!! I totaly agree with this aswell! I found a guy that liked me shortly after the break up but I just couldnt feel anything for him! He was a lovely guy but going on a date with him made me feel worse and I went home and cried myself to sleep! I was constantly pushing him away and couldn't have cared less about him! Now im terrified it will always be like this and i'll never find love again!!! I am really really scared!!! I need magic also!!!!
ibitealil Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 awwwwwwww Sarah , I so wanna give u a hug right now :-) Nobody s perfect...we all make mistakes...that doesnt mean uve been a really bad gf and that u have to pay for that...thats nonsense...there must have been good things in u as well which is why he got attracted to u and dated u for two years in the 1st place right? Not having many bfs is not a bad thing..being shy is also not a bad thing...thats who u are and thats what makes you special...please dont blame urself for everything...whats for you wont pass you...so if this thing passes you this time it means its not for you yet... i think u need to forgive urself if u think u made a mistake... theres no person who doesnt make a mistake...Einstein said : the difference between life and school is u learn 1st and then get tested in school but in life u get tested 1st and then learn :-) i think hes right! dont be so hard on urself please :-)
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