SarahT111 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 (edited) How do I get over my first love? He ripped my heart out when he broke up with me and got another girl the next day. Its been almost two months since it happened and he never contacted me again since. Im such a mess and cry every single day. I have trouble doing normal daily activities and just cant get him off my mind no matter how hard I try. I miss him so much and im terrified I will never find anyone that will ever love me again. I tried my best to move on and go on other dates but i just can do it! Is this normal? Will these feelings go? Im so scared i'll never be able to move on and and find some one else to love me. Also after he left me I went crazy, Somedays i would be so mad and tell him I hated him and that I didn't care that he was leaving and some days i would be so upset and beg for him to come back. I was all over the place. He thinks im an absolute nut case now and he would never come bak to me! Is this normal or am i really crazy? I just dont kno wat to do! Im all over the place! Somedays I love him and some days I hate him for what hes done! Other days i completly blame myself as I must have been a crap gf for him to replace me so quickly and never glance back. Im really down right now so any sort of feedback would help! Thanx!! Edited February 6, 2008 by SarahT111
Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I have similar feelings of not finding anyone else who will love me. Yet I don't even care about going out with other women. Sex drive's gone, too. I love her more, it seems, since we broke up. Those feelings are completely normal. If me and you are normal. There's a concept on this board, NC, No Contact, that I think you should start. Cuz if you're calling him all the time still, whether it's to tell him you love him or you hate him, you can't heal. Any other advice from the lovely members of the board??
MattyTee Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 How do I get over my first love? He ripped my heart out when he broke up with me and got another girl the next day. Its been almost two months since it happened and he never contacted me again since. Im such a mess and cry every single day. I have trouble doing normal daily activities and just cant get him off my mind no matter how hard I try. I miss him so much and im terrified I will never find anyone that will ever love me again. I tried my best to move on and go on other dates but i just can do it! Is this normal? Will these feelings go? Im so scared i'll never be able to move on and and find some one else to love me. Also after he left me I went crazy, Somedays i would be so mad and tell him I hated him and that I didn't care that he was leaving and some days i would be so upset and beg for him to come back. I was all over the place. He thinks im an absolute nut case now and he would never come bak to me! Is this normal or am i really crazy? I just dont kno wat to do! Im all over the place! Somedays I love him and some days I hate him for what hes done! Other days i completly blame myself as I must have been a crap gf for him to replace me so quickly and never glance back. Im really down right now so any sort of feedback would help! Thanx!! Hey Sarah, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. Everything you are going through is very normal, the swing between anger and sadness, the days of blaming yourself and then other days of blaming him. Unfortunately there are no magic formulas for getting over someone but you will come through this and it can also be a time to learn and grow a great deal. My own experience is that you can't force anything to happen before its time. Going out on dates and finding someone else to fix this pain isn't going to work, even if it feels like it could. My advice to you would be this: - Let yourself feel everything you feel. There is nothing wrong with crying, let it out if it is there. Don't judge it, things are difficult enough without also worrying if you are healing 'in time'. Accept the way you feel, let it come and try not to label it or judge it as 'good' or 'bad'. - Try and do little things for yourself: find some time to read; write in a journal; do some exercise. This is time to focus on yourself. - The self-blame things is natural but can also be destructive. Every time you find yourself thinking "I was a crap girlfriend, that's why he left me" remind yourself that you are being cruel without any good reason. In the end even if you weren't the perfect partner (and who is?!) what has happened, has happened. If you feel there are lessons to learn then you can learn those without regret. Try to use this time to learn about yourself. Take a look at why you are so scared of not being loved, do you feel you aren't worthy of love? Are you afraid of being alone? If so, why? This can be time for a bit of soul searching. Believe me, it is possible to come through this incredibly difficult time a stronger, wiser person who is much more aware of themselves. I know how hard it is, my thoughts are with you Matt
Author SarahT111 Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Wow Matt thankyou so so much! Your comments made me feel so much beta. I cried alll that way thru reading that because you are absoluty right and made me feel like its not all my fault after all! Thank u so much! You defiently made a difference to my day
MattyTee Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Wow Matt thankyou so so much! Your comments made me feel so much beta. I cried alll that way thru reading that because you are absoluty right and made me feel like its not all my fault after all! Thank u so much! You defiently made a difference to my day You are welcome Sarah! Remember, you aren't alone. Lots of people have been where you are and lots of people are there right now. My relationship of eight years ended 6 months ago. I was engaged, to my first love as well. Now, I feel strong and happy. I enjoy my own company and I am happy being alone. When those things happened ... suddenly I met someone that has become very special to me. It surprised me, but I'm letting it happen. Life will bring you what you need, when you need it. Remember also, we don't always know what we need I wish you the best Sarah, keep posting
Author SarahT111 Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Thanks! Thats great that you are moving on so well!! How long did it take before the pain went away? I really miss my ex so much and its shattering to see him happy with someone else a day after he ended things with me! Really rips my heart out!!! I can't really see myself meeting anyone else because im such a mess emotionally but il take all your advice on board and hope so much that soon things will tuRn around for me! Thanks SOOO much for your help!!! And I wish u all the best! Sarah
MattyTee Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Thanks! Thats great that you are moving on so well!! How long did it take before the pain went away? I really miss my ex so much and its shattering to see him happy with someone else a day after he ended things with me! Really rips my heart out!!! I can't really see myself meeting anyone else because im such a mess emotionally but il take all your advice on board and hope so much that soon things will tuRn around for me! Thanks SOOO much for your help!!! And I wish u all the best! Sarah Well, I still have days when I feel sad but things changed for me just after the New Year (that was 5 months). I didn't expect it, I had stopped searching for peace and then one day ... it was just there. When I'd stopped focusing on her, when I'd turned my attention around to myself and looked at what I could do for me ... that's when the healing really started Don't worry about meeting anyone else, if it is to happen it will happen when you least expect it Just as you can't force the healing, you can't force whatever stages come after that. I would just say try not to use someone else to patch yourself up I really know how you feel Sarah, 4 weeks after our break up my ex was already in love with someone else. We'd been together 8 years. At first I was so upset / angry / hurt but then as things changed within me, I came to understand that my love for her meant I could just be happy for her. Now, I still love her and I wish her well and I don't need anything back. At the moment the contact still doesn't feel right, I kept no-contact after month 3. In fact, she got back in contact 2 days ago. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. It wasn't direct, it was through a comment on my blog. Perhaps she is happy to see I've met someone, perhaps she's still trying to control. I'm not trying to read into anything any more. I'll just let whatever is, be
your star Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I had stopped searching for peace and then one day ... it was just there. When I'd stopped focusing on her, when I'd turned my attention around to myself and looked at what I could do for me ... that's when the healing really started what Matty said right here is key. it's the letting go that sets you free..and it's really a great feeling.. *waves to Matty*
MattyTee Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 what Matty said right here is key. it's the letting go that sets you free..and it's really a great feeling.. *waves to Matty* Hey Star! Sarah, you can't plan or predict it, it will just come. What you can do is be aware of it, when it arrives don't fight it - at first I was reluctant to accept that kind of peace.
Author SarahT111 Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 How do i stop searching tho!! The whole break up is on my mind every second of everyday and kno matter how hard i try I cant get it off my mind!! I want more than anything to be able to let it go!!!!! I just cant stop blaming myself!!! I no its really bad but everything seems like its my fault and its really ripping me apart!!! How on earth do i find peace and the ability to let it go when all this in on my mind!!!!!!!?? Im sure theres more i could have done and stuff i could have said differently and im struggling to get on with all these guilt feelings!!
s_n_d Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Sarah, Im going to tell you something that people(friends, family AND even people on LS) have been telling me... Time will heal. And it has healed a lot for me. Ofcourse its going to take a while to be healed completely but it definitely gets easier as more time passes. Its three months tomorrow that my ex and I have been split for. The first two months were excruciatingly painful for me. Its only in the last month or so that Ive found myself healing. Im still as in love with him or maybe even more as I was before. But I know that itll take some time for me to lose the love I have for him.
s_n_d Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 what Matty said right here is key. it's the letting go that sets you free..and it's really a great feeling.. That is SO true. Since Ive started NC, I have finally let go and that feels amazing. It feels like Im in control again. HE cannot control me. Ofcourse I still miss him more than ever but I have definitely learned a lot since the breakup and in some ways, Im thankful sometimes that we did breakup.
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 The pain you are feeling is normal for people in this situation. My breakup happened 3 months ago (after 9 years).... for the first 2 months I was exactly in your situation.....She and the breakup were on my mind 24/7..... Now its getting better the thoughts are only around 23/7. Feel free to grieve in any way you feel you have to. Dont force yourself to change your mind and think of other things when the bad feelings come to mind. If you do then it just might take longer to forget. Let your brain get tired of bringing those thoughts up and your subconcious mind will eventually start bringing it up less and less. Dont force yourself to heal, and dont force yourself to move on....just let things flow slowly and naturally and one day you will find you feel better. The grieving process works diferently for everybody, i think the longer a relationship lasted the longer it might take to get over it.... take it easy.......it will come to an end.....and i say this to myself also...hurts like a bitch!
Author SarahT111 Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 Thanks every Guess i'll just have to learn to live with the pain and ride it out! So its not a good idea to try and find some1 new? Sometimes I feel like im pathetic for still dwelling on it while he was back out there the next day without another thought of me. But I still miss him so much and the thought of being with someone else scares me almost! Id feel like i was cheating!! I hope this goes away as I feel really upset sometimes that i was so replacable yet hes impossible to move on from!! Hope this makes sense!! I guess im just really scared i'll never be able to find anyone else again, especailly as all my thoughts are of him!
MattyTee Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Thanks every Guess i'll just have to learn to live with the pain and ride it out! So its not a good idea to try and find some1 new? Sometimes I feel like im pathetic for still dwelling on it while he was back out there the next day without another thought of me. But I still miss him so much and the thought of being with someone else scares me almost! Id feel like i was cheating!! I hope this goes away as I feel really upset sometimes that i was so replacable yet hes impossible to move on from!! Hope this makes sense!! I guess im just really scared i'll never be able to find anyone else again, especailly as all my thoughts are of him! It does make sense Sarah I would suggest you don't look for someone else to fill that gap, no. When you are ready for anything else then you will know. Personally, I believe that when people push for that kind of thing they will either end up hurting themselves or someone else. Don't worry about what he is doing (I know that's easy to say), it's not about him now, it's about you. You can't control (or even understand) what drives another person so don't make yourself nuts trying. Just accept that whatever has happened, has happened. Look to yourself now, that's the only way forwards
Author SarahT111 Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Again thanks Matt! Your totally right again! I am trying EVERYTHING to understand him and EVERYTHING to get him off my mind and its driving me insane!!! I guess the more I try the worse it gets so im going to have to accept what happened and try my best to keep living!
MattyTee Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Again thanks Matt! Your totally right again! I am trying EVERYTHING to understand him and EVERYTHING to get him off my mind and its driving me insane!!! I guess the more I try the worse it gets so im going to have to accept what happened and try my best to keep living! I've been there, believe me Understanding is something you will chase forever and probably never find It's just little things that can help. Next time you think of him, say to yourself "Okay well, I'm thinking of him and that's okay but I wonder what would happen if I thought about this ... " and pick something... You'll be okay Keep posting
Author SarahT111 Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks, Im having such a bad day! I miss him so much!!! Is it normal to feel like everything is all my fault? I really think he was the best thing that ever happened to me but I stuffed everything up I just really want to talk to him and apologise for all the stupid stuff ive said over our two years but he wont talk to me and acts like he absolutly hates me He dumped me and I never ever cheated or did anything like that but he acts like I have! Hes sooo angry and mad and i dont no y I miss him sooo much I hate this I dont no how he could do this to me
PinkRibbon Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Hi Sarah, I can totally see where you are coming from. In fact I said the same thing last night to someone. "Maybe if I had kept my mouth shut and just let things ride he would still be here." But the truth of the matter is that he wouldn't still be here. If it wasn't something we said it would have become something we did or did not do. Once it is set in their mind that they are through then nothing short of a tap on the shoulder from God will change their mind. He did this because he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Same thing my husband said and still says. It has been 4 months for me and my husband is so mad at me he can't see straight. He won't talk to me and when he does he puts me down, calls me names and treats me like dirt. I didn't cheat, I never looked and I worshipped the ground he walked on. So I could not have done any better besides continuing to accept his poor behavior. It hurts daily for me and I miss him so much BUT I realize I couldn't have made him stay. That I have to move forward and accept my life without him. And more important enjoy my life. And one day you too will come to the same realization that life is too short and too important to spend it with someone who does not want to be with you. Every other day is a bad day for me but I come here and read my old posts and realize that I have progressed towards healing even if it is small tiny steps. And you will move forward and heal also. Your heart will heal in time.
1bee Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks, Im having such a bad day! I miss him so much!!! Is it normal to feel like everything is all my fault? I really think he was the best thing that ever happened to me but I stuffed everything up I just really want to talk to him and apologise for all the stupid stuff ive said over our two years but he wont talk to me and acts like he absolutly hates me He dumped me and I never ever cheated or did anything like that but he acts like I have! Hes sooo angry and mad and i dont no y I miss him sooo much I hate this I dont no how he could do this to me Hi Sarah, I know you'll hear this again and again, but all the frustration and anguish you are feeling, everyone here has also felt. My first love of three years broke up with me three months ago. He's with another woman now and I am still very f'n hurt over it. Yes, like you, I have pondered over and over again just what exactly I did wrong. What really stabs at me is that he REPLACED ME. Even though I have come to terms that he is not returning, nor do I want him back by any means, it really kills me that he found someone that, in his eyes, was cuter, more intellectual, and more interesting then me. That I was replaceable. I think about that every day and I lose sleep over it too sometimes. My biggest fear is if and when I do find love again (and i'm sure you will find love too. there are plenty of people out there that are capable of loving you and that genuinely want to be with you) I have this ridiculous fear that they'll find a replacement for me too, just like he did. So what you feel and think right now, no matter how ridiculous, is completely normal. what you should be doing right now though is salvaging your dignity. do not call him (i know this is very difficult). you have to force yourself not to call him because you'll only further his stupid assumption that you're crazy and he's better off doing what he did to you. do not give him that satisfaction. be the individual one here. do what most exes don't usually do the first couple of times. hold your head up high, cease all contact, pick up your dignity and self respect, and walk away gracefully (or at least pretend to) and eventually it will fall into place for you and you will be happy with yourself and you won't feel like you need a twit like him anymore.
Author SarahT111 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) Gosh today has been SUCH a painful day!!! I meet up with some frineds who are dating and they are exactally identical to the way me and my partner were. I spent the whole time trying my best not to break down and cry! They were soo happy and in love like we used to be and it hurt so bad being round them! Now that im back at home my heart physically aches and the tears just wont stop! Sometimes I feel that i might die from the pain! Its that strong!! I really feel like everything was all my fault, do u think I should contact him and just apologise for everything? I cant take the pain or the guilt that I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me and my one chance at happiness :mad::mad: I wish more than anything that I could just make him love me again I had never ever been more happy in my entire life and i was dumb enough to throw it away by not being good enough And I dont want anyone else. I just want him but hes moved on now and its to much to bear Im sooooooooooooooooo unhappy right now, the only thing that makes me happy is being asleep yet I can never get to sleep. And i dread waking up because for a moment everythings ok untill I remember whats happened and it just hits me so hard! This is unberable and im not sure how long i can carry on ilke this People keep saying not to contact him and he will realise what he is missing and i havent in almost 2 months. But he hasnt contacted me either. Im sure he has forgotten all about me by now. It rips my heart out My life really is nothing without him no matter how bad he treated me at times ;( He used to love me so much yet now im just like a piece of dirt to him. What should I do? I cant move on with my life and forget him as much as I would like to!! I just want him Im sorry about all this but i cant even describe how much in pain I am right now and ur kind words always make a difference! Edited February 9, 2008 by SarahT111
stayc208 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I know life sucks right now, but you are SOOOO much better off without him!!! He was a crappy guy and you know that. You definitely learned a lesson be it that you find someone who treats you the way you should be treated. Go get a manicure and get dressed up. Go out that way and just look HOT. You may not want to start dating other guys, but if you have self confidence it may be easier. Also, hang out with your girlfriends and take your mind off of things. Time heals all wounds and if there's anything i've learned from this forum, its that!! You are worth the world in gold and if he isn't willing to notice that then he is scum and not worth any of your time!! I've also mentioned this somewhere else... listen to kelly clarkson's breakaway album, it ROCKS when you're trying to get over this pain. Or do something drastic like cut/dye your hair, create a new you. Figure out what you love to do on your OWN. Flirt with other people, you may feel guilty at first, but just remind yourself that you are a free woman! Hope this helps some... =)
Author SarahT111 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 Thanx! Nothings really helping now tho Im sooo down :mad::mad::mad: I just feel like everything is all my fault,. Im defiently not worthy and I really feel down Ive never been as long as I am now, exept for the day it all happened. Does anyone know if this is normal? Its been almost two months Yet i feel just as bad (if not worse) than the 1st week. Would anyone also know why he completly hates me now? I never cheated or did anything and he was the one who dumped me and replaced me. I begged for days but he was soooooooo cruel and nasty and talked like he hated my guts and that i had done something terrible!! He still hates me to this day and refuses to talk to me and i just dont understand! Even through our rough times he would never ever be nasty like that and would never say the things he said during the break up I honestly cant understand how some one could turn so nasty when I honestly did nothing but beg for him to change his mind. I wasn't the perfect gf, thought i wish so much that i was, but i didnt do anything horrible!!! Do people normally feel guilty and feel like everything is all there fault when they break up? I can only seem to remember the fights and the bad things I had said or done over the years and its making me hate myself. Sorry for all the questions! Im just having a reeeeallly rough week!! Ill stop soon I promsie!!!
Always Wrong Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) Sara, are you stuck in the barganing phase? Someone doesn't have to die for us to go through the phases of Coping with Grief and Loss. Read this University of Iowa, Counseling Service Handout. It's a single page... very brief... and I think it might help. AW http://www.uiowa.edu/~ucs/griefloss.html Edited February 9, 2008 by Always Wrong sp
Author SarahT111 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 Well I thought I had been through every stage already but all I seem to feel now is major depression and guilt. I cant work anything out and im a total mess. I just wish he was here! If anyone has figured a out a way to go back in time please let me know!! Ive had the weekend from hell!!
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