g1976b Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 So as we approach the 3rd week of the breakup, I chatted online with my ex for about 2 hours last night. It started rather normal, but soon we got into some of the "real" issues. To catch some of you up, she left after finally having enough of my controlling/jealousy stuff. I didn't get it then...I do now, and I'm making changes to my life that are going beyond this relationship. I wrote her a letter taking responsibility for my poor behavior, apologizing for it, and saying what I was doing to remedy this. During our chat, she basically said the letter said everything perfectly, almost like it was 'scripted' for what she wanted, and needed to hear. The problem is, it doesn't make any difference. She is SO angry with me. She made decisions (destroying photos, etc) based on my wishes that she cannot get back. She says she believes I can change, but thinks that too much has happened to try a romantic relationship. We've had many good times, but the anger is palpable. She said for lent (starting today) she is going to try to not be so angry with me anymore. My question is basically what should I do? I don't want to push her more so she resents me even more. But the bottom line is that all of my revelations will be pointless and nothing but words if I'm not able to SHOW her that I am making changes in my life. I know she still loves me, but I think she's just angry and scared to put herself out there again. Can I try to pursue her? Can I send flowers? What would you want in this situation (keeping in mind that you love this person but based on his actions you don't know if you are the right people for one another). She says she believes I can change, so that being said, wouldn't you want to be SURE before you walk away permanently? I'm just suggesting that we start out by casually dating...low pressure. Please help. I'm really wanting to handle this right.
amaysngrace Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 It's her call to make. Don't do a thing. Don't press for anything because no matter what you say or do now she will view as a control strategy on your part. You wanted complete control and now you have zero control of the situation. It's all up to her. She won't want you back either if you are a control freak. So the first thing you need to do is not make demands on her by telling her what should happen in your relationship. Give it time. If it's going to work itself out it will but my guess is it's not going to. She finally has control and I doubt she'll give it up too easily now.
dfreeman Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 But the bottom line is that all of my revelations will be pointless and nothing but words if I'm not able to SHOW her that I am making changes in my life. I know she still loves me, but I think she's just angry and scared to put herself out there again. Can I try to pursue her? Can I send flowers? What would you want in this situation (keeping in mind that you love this person but based on his actions you don't know if you are the right people for one another). She says she believes I can change, so that being said, wouldn't you want to be SURE before you walk away permanently? I'm just suggesting that we start out by casually dating...low pressure. Please help. I'm really wanting to handle this right. In order to see this in proper context, you must recognize the catch-22 from her standpoint - if she takes you back, your plan worked, if she doesn't she might miss out on the new "fixed" you? If I were her, I would think that the changes you have put in place were solely done to show her that you had the ability to change ONLY after control was taken away from you (thus making these changes yet another attempt at getting back in control of her). You may say dating is low pressure, but if she takes you back and then has to reject you again, you will put a lot of pressure on her to stay with it. From her standpoint, the best you can do is make sure she knows that you own your behavior of the past and are making the effort to change those ugly things about your old self. Make sure that any attempts to get back together come from her and in the meantime, work on forgiving yourself and living a less controlling life with your next partner.
Author g1976b Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Great insight on the catch-22 thing. I hadn't looked at it that way. I really can see that's how she may be feeling. She's finally 'in control' and happy with her life and doesn't know how that can be so with a romantic relationship with me. The problem is, she still freely admits that before this whole 'bad' stuff started (nearly a year ago now) she WAS happy. She even said she wished I had been like that the whole time. She MUST know there's a chance, she just won't allow herself to go there right now and it's so hard to be on this side of it. In some ways I understand it, but it just seems spiteful. Also, while I understand the skepticism about me changing only after the control was gone, it is something I am genuinely working on. She seems very hesitant to believe I've "magically" changed in a week, and she's right...I'm not a 100% different person. It's a process. However, I am contacting friends and family and apologizing for my actions to them and explaining how I've now finally understood my selfish "black and white" outlook on things. Life's just not that simple. Life is in the gray/grey. She is still in contact with my aunt, cousins and a good friend. I've contacted all of them as well. I guess my only hope may be that she hears from them that I am changing and sincere about it. I realize I have no control in this. It's karma come back around, perhaps. From the bottom of my heart though, I do know now how I've been and what I've done wrong. I've shown an ability in my life to make changes when I see the need. I just don't know how to deal with this situation when she is so angry, hurt, and closed off. I literally feel like she refuses to allow herself to even contemplate a reconciliation.
dfreeman Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 She is just being smart by protecting herself here. In one week, you certainly can change some behavior, but that is most likely going to be overshadowed by motive at this point. The first thing that you need to do, is be honest with yourself and admit that you are only making these changes because you want her back (that's okay, I started my current self-help/health kick without even admitting that to myself). Once you fully cop to that, tell your family and friends that is why you did it and tell them that you now want to do it for real and are willing to accept that the changes may come without her in your life. Don't make the mistake of doing a little bit and then showing her where you are at with that behavior - that is a true sign that you are treating her as your life/relationship teacher and are just giving her a progress report. If you want the change to be real, then do it without trying to revert back to gaining control over what seems to be a helpless situation with her now. If it helps, try to imagine two months down the line... If you make big or even HUGE changes in areas that she once disliked about you, are you willing to be proud of your work on yourself or will you feel like it was time wasted because it didn't work to get her back? I know this sounds like a silly question, but it is a major gut-check if you answer it honestly to yourself. I am going through something similar and had channel all of my self-improvement projects over to this place in my heart. It took a few days, but now I don't even think of my ex while I am at the gym - I just keep taking the compliments and shelling out about $50 a week to buy new jeans! Forget about the ex and think about the next! If you have the strength to do things for the wrong reason, you should be the type of person that can do them for the right reason. Stay on here man - LS has me accomplishing things I would have never done by myself.
Author g1976b Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Admittedly, I probably was in 'scrambling' mode initially as I decided to make changes and do whatever I could to get her back. In all honesty though, while I still truly do want to get back with her, and all I really want is a chance, my heart is in this for the right reasons. I have been able to step back and see how my actions have affected my friends and family, and REGARDLESS of if I get another chance with my ex, I want and need to make changes in my life in order to be happier. So yes, I do believe my intentions are true. It's also very true she is sincerely questioning my motive. I know she must think it's only based on winning her back or doing what I have to do in order to get by. She is just flabbergasted that a light switch has now gone on inside of me and I see all of the things I've done wrong. I understand it's hard to believe...it's even harder to explain. She just can't believe it, and is too scared or angry to allow herself to do so. She'll be over tonight and while I'm sure we won't have the conversation I was expecting or hoping for, I do hope it can be friendly and not too awkward. I need to be honest with myself and say that I'm not ready to believe there is no shot of a reconciliation. I still have hope. At the same time, I need to continue to give her the space she needs, and to try to work through the hurt and anger. I just wish I could help her through that, but I'm the last person in the world she wants around right now.
dfreeman Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I need to be honest with myself and say that I'm not ready to believe there is no shot of a reconciliation. I still have hope. At the same time, I need to continue to give her the space she needs, and to try to work through the hurt and anger. I just wish I could help her through that, but I'm the last person in the world she wants around right now. Well, I'm not one that believes that there is strictly one reason to avoid contact with an ex. There may come a time when you need to adhere to strict NC for the purpose of moving on, but it seems to me that you are content to using it now as a means to get her back. Be that what it is, at least acknowledge that you need to show extra-extra dilligence in giving her space in order to even have a glimmer of hope. In order for her to "Really" feel that she is enjoying space, she needs to feel that you are not sitting around waiting for an answer from her - that ain't as easy as it seems! Good luck tonight!
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