dubin Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 My husband told 2 mos. ago that we couldn't fix what was wrong. Mind you I had no idea anything was wrong. Apparently he had been having a hard time for about 6 mos. prior, but didn't tell me anything was wrong. He never treated me any different than he had the whole 10 yrs. we have been together. He was still the same loving, caring man he had been our whole relationship. There had been a couple of times he was kind of testy, but he told me it was his job. He works on the river and he told me this on the phone. We talked for over an hour and he said he would try when he got home, but when he came home he wasn't very nice to any of us. A couple of days later he told me he thought he should leave for awhile and that he needed time to figure out what is going on. I told him I didnt think that was a good idea, but that I wouldnt stop him. He moved in with his dad 3 days before xmas. Shortly after that, I found out that he was spending time with a "friend". I eventually was informed who she was and I confronted her. She told me some pretty bad things that he had been saying about me and I informed her of the truth. She ended up cutting ties with him, because he had told her it was over with us, but had never told me. I confronted him about these things and naturally he told me she had twisted his words. I then asked if it was really over like he had told her and he said "I asked for time and if you cant give it to me, then Yes". I asked him if he was 100% sure and he said NO!! I said are you ready for me to be completely out of your life and he said not completely. I was married before and he has helped me raise my 2 girls since they were little. Our oldest ended up getting pregnant very young and that rocked his world, because she was his favorite. All of this started about 1 month before she had her baby. I made promises that I wouldn't let the baby take over my life and I did not follow through. He said he felt like a stranger in his own home, because we just continued on while he was gone to work and then he kind of just fit in when he came home. His father told me the other day he felt like he was not needed with us anymore. He also told me that my kids had hurt his feelings by some of the things they had said jokingly to him when he would come home unexpectedly. I could go on and on, but I just need advice. I have not been contacting him, but he has been txting me on the phone once in awhile. I had to get another job to pay my bills and keep all of the kids taken care of. I am stressed all of the time and I cry all of the time. Am I stupid for waiting for him to make the decision? Even after everything that has been said and done I still love him with all of my heart!!! In his defense, he has alot of stuff going on!! His mother passed in October and there were some suspicious circumstances. He regrets not spending more time with her. His job is not going the way he wants it to. And then he thought that I didn't need him anymore. I'm not making excuses, I just understand. He says he is not happy with his life right now at all. He says he doesn't have it in him to give 100% to try and make things work. He also says that I wouldn't be able to trust him. I told him it would be hard at first, but if you want something bad enough you have to try. I think that is my biggest concern, I want to at least try to see if we could make it work and I don't think his pride will let him. I feel like he is in a major depression and can't find his way out. I am just very confused, hurt and lost.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 When he is ready, he needs to go to counselling, fix stuff inside of him. With the loss of a parent, bad choices (affair) and having problems at work, dealing with the fallout of his affair, is stressing him out badly, hense the depression. Before going to marriage counselling with him, encourage him to seek one on one counselling. Stubborn or not, he needs to do this for the sake of the kids so HE can be a good father. Until he fixes himself, I wouldn't push him back into your life...If the A is over with the OW (and this also depends on whether or not SHE is telling you the truth as well as him about it being completely over) then let him sort out his crap.. Focus on you, and your kids, try to be around family and friends, let them help you and be a distraction from what's going on in your life.
jeffrey_e Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 I know how you feel. My wife of 27 years told me she wants a divorce. No fight, never saw it coming. She'd been sick for years and I took care of her. Just like that it was over. She flys up to Boston every few weeks to F**k her boyfriend. Actually I recently found out she had an afair with him 4 years ago. Anyway all that just makes the pain worse. It's been 5 weeks since I got the news and to tell you the truth I'm doing very well. Trust me It's been hard. I lost 20lbs in 30 days and thats with eating 3-4 meals a day. So take your feelings with you. Let them do their thing. Dont make them disappear. If you do they will come back a haunt you. Cry when you need to, be depressed when you feel depressed. Angry when youre angry, etc. They will go away. I PROMISE !!! The first thing you need to do is begin taking care of yourself. This means sleep, eat, drink, shower daily, clean up, take you medications on time, etc. Second, call a therapist. you need professional assistance. Im doing this myself and like it or not she's telling me what I dont want to hear but it helps me to be honest with myself and move on. Third call some of your friends and family. Even see your priest or clergy. Let them support you. You need them so let them be there for you. Why should you be alone. Youre not asking for pitty, youre asking for support. Theres a big difference. Forth, Tell your husband to either make up his mind or you will make it for him. You are being kept in limbo. This is not a healthy place for you and you must stay healthy. You have children who need you. Fifth, go to a book store or library and read books on what youre going through. Youd be surprised how comforting it can be. Sixth, write in a diary every night. Do this the same time each day. Not only is this a great outlet but you will be able to plot your progress as time goes by. This will be empowering and help further build your confidence. Lastly, Excercise. do what ever you can. Your brain will release its own anti anxiety medication. Remember, your kids will learn by watching what you do, not only by what you say. Teach them by example how to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. I wish you all the best, Jeffrey
Gunny376 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 BINGO!!!!!! You two have hit the nail on the head ~ BIG TIME! Most excellent and outstanding advice! Good job! DAMN GOOD JOB WhichWayIsUp ( I finally get your "handle") and Jeffery ~ most excellent INDEED!
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