lisa1ohio Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 HELP!!!! I have fallen in love with my best friends husband. I don't know when or how it happened, but it did and now I need to know what to do next? I am married and have had marital probs. for years. We are only together for the finances and our children and we both know that. We are GREAT FRIENDS, but that is the extent of it. My husband is close to my friend as well so many times it will end up him and her talking (NO FEELINGS THERE I KNOW) and me and her husband talking. We have gotten very close over the last 12 -15 months. Our conversations cover a broad spectrum of subjects and we have had many "deep" conversations. Recently they have also began to experience problems and while our conversations often start out about nothing they evolve into him complaining about problems in his marriage and problems he is having because of this. I don't know if he feels the same way or is truly just wanting someone to talk to. At times I feel we both have these strong feelings, then at other times I feel he is just venting to me because I am her best friend and could help smooth over some of their problems. I don't want to lose my friend, but I feel so connected to this guy. And before I get the "it's just lust" I'm almost 35 and he's almost 40 and I know I have NEVER felt a connection like this before. It's like we complete each other...we have the same likes and dislikes, same beliefs and values...same gripes and complaints...same hobbies...etc. WHAT DO I DO? Does he care or is he really JUST A FRIEND???? HELP
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 You do nothing with your bestfriends husband. Focus that energy into either saving your own marriage or divorcing your husband so he can find a true love for himself. You two can still be good co-parents since you say you two are close friends. IF you make a move on your BF's husband, you will lose both of them, let alone your self respect. Leave it alone and don't betray your husband and bestfriend.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 OUCH. This is a dilemma. It's your bad marriage that makes you want others or this person. I, truly think he is venting to you because he considers you a true friend and I also think he has feelings for you. (love type feelings). Men don't open up to people unless there is a connection or chemistry. Proceed with caution and do not make any moves towards him. Let him if you want it - you don't want to have him confused. You want him to want you when he is ready. This gives you time to clear out your head to see if this is truly worth possibly wrecking two marriages and 4 friendships over. But, believe me, you would not be the first nor the last pair to do so.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 It sounds like you are both looking for some form of escape and have mapped onto each other your own false hopes and wishful thinking, and have in turn convinced yourself that you two 'complete each other'. When you are desperate for escape, you will fantasize a version of freedom that really doesn't exist and that fantasy will become your reality. It is unfortunate really when you step back and look at it objectively: You are going to destroy your former best friend (when you set your sights on her husband you gave up any right to call her your friend anymore, much less a best one) You are going to destroy your husband. You are going to destroy your children. And for what? The chance to be with a man who will end up throwing you under the bus and fighting to keep his wife? Is it really worth it?
nellstar Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Will it be ok with your if your H confides in your BFF? I wouldn't do ANYTHING to your BFF's H, if I were you. First of all... she's your BFF, what in the world are you thinking?! Sit back and think about how this will end up.... it's uglier than messy!
Author lisa1ohio Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 I KNOW, I KNOW!!! In my head I know everything that is being said is true. And I do still LOVE my best friend. It's just so complicated. My husband does talk to her ALOT....she is as much his best friend as she is mine. I just can't figure out what is going on. If I knew he felt the same way then I feel that I could tell him "Hey, we have to stop this." That there is no way we can move forward with this. I just don't want to say something and him say "I don't know what you're talking about I have no feelings for you." Neither of us have EVER verbalized our feelings that is what makes it so hard. I feel it may just be the excitment of the whole thing that if we just opened up and said something we would have it out in the open and could move past it! What are somethings I can do or look for to see if this is one sided or if we are having mutually wrong thoughts.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 DO NOT TELL HIM how you feel. Detach yourself and focus that energy into your husband. Seek counselling for yourself if you can't do it on your own. Don't spend one on one time with him, don't talk to him without having your bestfriend or husband around. YOUR friendship with your BF is more important than you lusting after her husband. If you don't stop it now and put up some boundries, then YOU will lose out.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Wow, going after your BF husband? WTH is you smoking? I say get in control of your emotions and focus on your own husband!!! God dont be a snake in the grass like judas was!
Meaplus3 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 HELP!!!! I have fallen in love with my best friends husband. I don't know when or how it happened, but it did and now I need to know what to do next? I am married and have had marital probs. for years. We are only together for the finances and our children and we both know that. We are GREAT FRIENDS, but that is the extent of it. My husband is close to my friend as well so many times it will end up him and her talking (NO FEELINGS THERE I KNOW) and me and her husband talking. We have gotten very close over the last 12 -15 months. Our conversations cover a broad spectrum of subjects and we have had many "deep" conversations. Recently they have also began to experience problems and while our conversations often start out about nothing they evolve into him complaining about problems in his marriage and problems he is having because of this. I don't know if he feels the same way or is truly just wanting someone to talk to. At times I feel we both have these strong feelings, then at other times I feel he is just venting to me because I am her best friend and could help smooth over some of their problems. I don't want to lose my friend, but I feel so connected to this guy. And before I get the "it's just lust" I'm almost 35 and he's almost 40 and I know I have NEVER felt a connection like this before. It's like we complete each other...we have the same likes and dislikes, same beliefs and values...same gripes and complaints...same hobbies...etc. WHAT DO I DO? Does he care or is he really JUST A FRIEND???? HELP What do you do? Stay away from your best friend's husband. You need to focus on your H, work on trying to fix or marriage or look into a Divorce Do you still love your H? Do you think you can save your marriage? AP:)
bentnotbroken Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 You haven't fallen in love with your BFH, you have fallen in lust. You have begun to have fantasies about the two of you and you have decide it is love. Love isn't just having someone listen to your problems and shows you some compassion. Go work on your marriage, start by telling your husband about your feelings.
Owl Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 What you do is simple...its not easy, but it IS simple. Tell your H about your attraction to MM. Tell him that you're not happy with the way things are in your marriage, and ask him to help you fix the problems. Get marriage counseling to help you sort out what EN's aren't being met in your marriage and work out how to have them met.
wyldflower Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I agree with Owl. Best to be honest with your husband about this, although I would say that if the love is no longer there than counselling (although it couldn't hurt to try it) may not solve this problem. I have a friend who is a child of the "let's stay together for financial securtiy and the kids" mentality...when her parents finally divorced in her adulthood and admitted their reasons for remaining in a loveless marriage, she was devastated. Although they didn't fight at all, their marriage being reduced to a convenient and easy agreement has distorted her view of a truly loving relationship. She wished they had divorced, dealt with the repercusisons and then led happy and fulfilled lives as separated, yet still devoted parents. Don't betray your best friend! Close your eyes and try and envision your life without her; without the trust and friendship of your husband (who I am sure is still your good friend, if not romantic lover). Granted, you might have a new man with whom you connect with on many levels - but what about the holes you will have made in your life? Could you really be happy knowing you have hurt two of the people you love most? Step 1 - let your husband know how you truly feel about the marriage. Work that chapter out first. Good luck matey.
Recommended Posts