jc Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I met a guy through a friend in June and we began a casual, flirtatious email relationship. He lives in a different city than I do. He came into town in December and he invited me to a party and we hooked up (ie. slept together). He was coming back to visit (not me specifically) a month later and once again, we hooked up. While he was in town he saw his ex, who I'm fairly certain he still has a thing for, and was a bit upset about that. Which I totally get having been through heartbreak myself. After that visit, he asked me to come and visit him on the coast. I was a bit unsure about this, due to the whole ex-girlfriend thing, and also because I was not sure whether or not this was just still a hookup or something more. I told him I felt he was not very 'transparent' and wasn't sure if I should come and visit. He told me he really wanted me to come and see him. So last weekend I went. I stayed at his place (at his invitation; I had relatives that I could have stayed with). We went out on Friday with some of his friends and he was holding my hand and kissing me the whole time. The night before I left, I decided I had to figure out what was going on between us to some extent. So I asked him whether this was a casual thing and also told him I was not comfortable sleeping with him if he was sleeping with other people. He replied (honestly at least, I'll give him that!) that he is just not ready to commit to anything. And that he just got out of a long-term relationship and feels like he wants to be single for a while. And that we live in different cities. Oh yes, and that he wants to be free to sleep with other people. I didn't get upset or anything. I reiterated that I was not comfortable sleeping with him while he was sleeping with other people. He said that he felt like saying we will only sleep with each other is like being in a relationship. This conversation went around and around for about 2 hours. So basically nothing was officially resolved. He asked me a couple of times what we were going to do. I told him I had to think about it. So I left yesterday. With him saying, "I'm going to miss you" several times. (Which I called him on. I told him that his words do not match his intentions and this is how people get hurt). He emailed me today saying he wants to come and visit in a couple of weeks and wanted to know when would be a good time. He also said that he's coming to see me and if I don't want him to come, he won't. So. I want to see him. I like him. But he's been fairly clear about not wanting any commitments. (Well, apart from saying he'll miss me and wanting to fly out to see me?). And I'm not sure if I can keep my emotions out of the deal. I don't want to get hurt. I told him this. So should I just stick to my ground and tell him that I would like to see him again, but that once again, I'm not comfortable with sleeping with someone who has multiple partners on the go? I really don't think that asking him to have sex with just one person is that much to ask. Any thoughts on what to do?
tmarie55 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Hmmm..hard one...but no...if you can't deal with just sex and long-distance...you WILL get hurt...actually you're already kinda hurt. I don't think he's not into you, but he's never going to truly be with you and it will result in constant heartbreak because of the distance and also the uncertainty of his feelings....I say let it go...though I don't always say what I do...with these signs it has always ended sadly for me.
birdie Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I agree with above post. I think he has made it very clear that he is not interested in a relationship, maybe because of the LDR thing as well, very few people can handle it. this sounds like trouble to me, I would personally move on.
Winfield Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 The chances are he'll only "miss" you the same as the rest of his partners (but at least he was honest with you about the non-commitment thing)... Although you both like one another, it's clear that you're not both on the same "page" so to speak... I think you know in yourself that it'll hurt in the long run, and you'll forever doubt him - do yourself a favour and dump him before things get more complicated... Good luck!
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