melusine71 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I loved him. I liked him. I still see things that make me laugh out loud... things he said or did. I have got to get a grip!!! I got mad looking through my cd's today because he either made them for me or introduced me to them. There were plenty of things about him I did not like and according to people who are close to me, I don't realize how much he held me down and hurt me. I just wish I would move on already. It's like if my brain has a spare moment i'm thinking about HIM. My little son found a family picture that I had stuffed in a drawer. He brought it to me and pointed, "Daddy?" He kept bringing to me so finally I put it in his room on his dresser. So he could see it whenever he wanted. And now I have to look at him everytime I go in his room, smiling this happy smile, looking so benevolent and fatherly. I'm still all locked up on where it went wrong. On my end, I've been trying to dominate him, force him to submit to coming crawling back. And he is laughing. And enjoying hurting me when I do this. I'm cycling right NOW, stop me from being so obsessed!! I just feel like I can stand to lose. I'm pretty sure I don't love him anymore. I just want to beat him at this, make it fail, wipe that ****ing smirk off his face. He's happy, he's got someone scurrying around after him trying to please him. How do I do this? I am going to divorce him on our 10th anniversary. Alimony baby!! I just wish I could stop reacting to this and thinking about it so much.
Nomad1 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Your feelings are totally normal. You will for a while ask yourself whether you still love him or not. You probably love what you used to have, the idea of him. He is now with someone else and is less likely to think about you. He is probably still in the honeymoon phase of his new relationship. It never stays that way as people and their feelings change. You will eventually stop thinking about him. It is good to get angry. Get it out of your system. Does he see his son? Take care Nomad1
Author melusine71 Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 he does see his kids, when he feels up to it. we have this very unsavory arrangement where he comes to my house and stays here to visit them. Both of my kids get really confused because sometimes it's really great and like happy family days. he left me for one woman, who dumped him and now he's with someone else, someone with even less self respect than I have. (that's really saying something) I found out this weekend that he spends a great deal of time complaining about me and that girl who he "loved" who dumped him to this other pathetic woman. I feel like such a fool. He just got back from a trip abroad and I was so worried when he left that he just wasn't going to come back. I was so sad to see him go and so happy when he came back, though he didn't come and see us first. he told me that he loved me and missed me and the children so much when he left but, he made arrangements to see her first. Before us. So we wouldn't be so important, so he wouldn't feel it as much, to dull the joy of seeing us. Me and my kids are totally dependent on him right now. I'm just trying to be really gentle but firm with myself about guiding my mind away from him but letting myself have a few minutes at a time to let myself feel it. Accepting that there is NO hope-- that we won't work something out after a while, that he is doing everything he can do to eject me from his life has been really hard. also that he is just plain no good and that even if i could eventually "win" this loser back, i will not want him. when he left he said, "we can always get back together..." talk about drawing out a painful situation.
Author melusine71 Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 He had and affair with this same woman 6 years ago and dumped her to rebuild our marriage. She got mad and told me. One of her texts said something about how she didn't expect him to say it back to her in return, I'm guessing this is I love you. So, I think he is totally using her. He told me this sumer that he'd looked her up but that he couldn't even stand to be around her, that she was such a geek. I am WAY over thinking this.
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