Arch Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 arch - you're a jerk. No I am not, I am stating the truth.
Author once_golden Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 calling someone an "easy f*ck" is being a jerk.
TMCM Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 That may be but he does bring up a good point in that you may not be the first or last female student he's gotten himself involved with. As I said in a previous post, your husband could contact an attorney and find out what legal options are open and subsequently inform the University administrators of the OM's behavior. Have you and your husband considered this avenue?
Arch Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 The truth hurts, I actually find you to be better then most of the people who cheat because you were honest with your husband - although the motivation for being honest may not be so noble. I personally would just leave a relationship if I was ever cheated on but thats outside the scope of this thread. I hope you marriage continues and you don't decide to cheat again but thats unlikely. If someone cheats once in a relationship they will probably do it again for the same reasons they did it the first time. Your husband ****ing some other girl wont help anything, if anything its to free you of some guilt. Anyway this all just my opinion. good luck
Author once_golden Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 TMCM: yes - the administration already knows about it. nothing was done, nor will be done about it. as for getting a lawyer involved - neither of us wants to do that. it's already been messy and painful enough without making it any uglier. but thank you for suggesting it. arch: obviously you haven't been involved in this sort of relationship (based on your post) - so your advice is a little less relevant. i told my husband for one reason and one reason only - i did a terrible thing, i found myself powerless to stop it, and so i did the only thing i could - ended it by telling him. what you think about my future fidelity is irrelevant. i asked for advice concerning a specific circumstance. the truth does hurt. it's incredibly hard to look at yourself and see an ugly person who did a terrible thing to a good person. i judge myself harsher than you or anyone else ever will - i assure you of that. there are days when i don't want to face anyone- my family, my friends, my husband, my professors - anyone. but i get up and go on because i CAN be a better person and i will be.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 The fact that you are protecting the OM in his marriage sends a loud and clear message to your husband that you place the well-being of the OM over the well-being of your husband. I don't see how your husband could see it any other way. Boy, do we disagree. How does telling the OM's wife two years down the road benefit oncegolden's Husband? Oncegolden, I find it interesting that both you and your H have spent your entire adult lives in the nether world of academia. My Daughter-In-Law has the same history - late 20's and working on yet another certification to go with her Master's and RN degrees. She is brilliant yet somewhat sheltered from the realities of life. Do you think that environment has shaped some of the choices - you, to have the affair; your H, to stay with you; and you to think of this unique solution - you two have made to this point? Mr. Lucky
Author once_golden Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 dunno. if there was another way to do what i love - accomplish my degree without 9 years of schooling behind me with more schooling to come (albeit internship/residency) - i'd certainly go that way. but who can ever say what shapes us? i'd say it's multiple things. i definitely think pursuing as difficult degrees as we have chosen had an effect. we are in quite disparate fields. and while similar in so many ways - we don't share our work. and when all you're focused on is getting through med school - it's hard to have much left for anything else. same for him. as i said - only 10% of grad students graduate his program. most fail or opt out before the end. he's worked incredibly hard, and i've worked incredibly hard (we're both perfectionists) - and that - naturally - puts distance between you. you're tired all the time, you're mentally exhausted, your temper is short sometimes. . . etc. problem is - he can compartmentalize these things - realize they are only temporary and go on loving me. i - on the other hand - felt the distance acutely. we talked about this before the affair -but we just weren't pro-active enough about stopping it. and then there was my prof - an accomplished man in my field - paying attention to me, craving my attention, taking interest in my research...i guess it was almost inevitable.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 problem is - he can compartmentalize these things - realize they are only temporary and go on loving me. i - on the other hand - felt the distance acutely. we talked about this before the affair -but we just weren't pro-active enough about stopping it. and then there was my prof - an accomplished man in my field - paying attention to me, craving my attention, taking interest in my research...i guess it was almost inevitable. Well, probably shoots down my theory because those kind of relationship disconnects (and the obvious dangers that go along with them) certainly aren't limited to the campus. I wish you well... Mr. Lucky
Arch Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Well, probably shoots down my theory because those kind of relationship disconnects (and the obvious dangers that go along with them) certainly aren't limited to the campus. I wish you well... Mr. Lucky QFE, that was my point, these problems arent going to go away,
BetrayedMM Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 i guess it was almost inevitable. I'm certainly not telling you how to think, but frankly, it sounds like you are still high risk for a validation based affair. This was a choice, not an accident, not 'fate'. The only thing that would make it inevitable would be an inability to control yourself. The nutty professor... is obviously a philanderer with questionable professional ethics to begin with. And, yet, you still look up to and protect the guy. There are many corrupt geniuses out there. Big deal. I can admire their work, but see them for the selfish pigs they really are. Accomplishments speak NOTHING of character. But, professional ethics say something about accomplishments. You didn't go NC, did you? (priorities, right?) If you still have contact with the guy, it ain't over, and you husband will know and feel it. NC is STEP ONE for reconciliation. No way around it.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 COBRA: yes, his self-esteem plummeted post-affair. he feels unattractive - and of course, despite what i tell him - he blames some part of this on himself. he thinks he must have failed me - emotionally and / or physically to cause me to have an affair. so his self-esteem is fairly low. it's also low- b/c on some level, he feels foolish for staying married to me - knowing what i did to him. despite loving me, there's that. Hmmm... He will realize at some point this was not his failure, that it was yours. I think he gets that on some level, but is still thinking he could have prevented it. Either way, he will fix himself in time. What you really need to do is make sure you identify those areas of insecurity he has and work to fill those gaps. For example, you need to make sure he knows how happy he makes you, how attractive you find him... ect. you misunderstand. i told my husband that i would tell the OW if that's what he wanted. but he isn't sure it's the right thing to do. as i said - they have 2 young children together -and my husband isn't sure telling her would be the right thing to do. if he told me today that he wanted me to tell her - i would respect his wish and do it - despite any inconvenience and drama it would cause me. he knows that. he doesn't want me to tell her. at least - not yet. Ok, so your H has made his choice already, so this issue is done with. However, I think if your H does decide to tell about this... it is HE who needs to contact the wife, not you. Especially this late in the game. TMCM: yes - the administration already knows about it. nothing was done, nor will be done about it. as for getting a lawyer involved - neither of us wants to do that. it's already been messy and painful enough without making it any uglier. but thank you for suggesting it. I had a friend in college who got involved with her prof. It didn't end well, and similar to this case, admin took no action. That's just the way it is. dunno. if there was another way to do what i love - accomplish my degree without 9 years of schooling behind me with more schooling to come (albeit internship/residency) - i'd certainly go that way. but who can ever say what shapes us? i'd say it's multiple things. i definitely think pursuing as difficult degrees as we have chosen had an effect. we are in quite disparate fields. and while similar in so many ways - we don't share our work. and when all you're focused on is getting through med school - it's hard to have much left for anything else. same for him. as i said - only 10% of grad students graduate his program. most fail or opt out before the end. he's worked incredibly hard, and i've worked incredibly hard (we're both perfectionists) - and that - naturally - puts distance between you. you're tired all the time, you're mentally exhausted, your temper is short sometimes. . . etc. problem is - he can compartmentalize these things - realize they are only temporary and go on loving me. i - on the other hand - felt the distance acutely. we talked about this before the affair -but we just weren't pro-active enough about stopping it. and then there was my prof - an accomplished man in my field - paying attention to me, craving my attention, taking interest in my research...i guess it was almost inevitable. What bothers me about this statement is the lack of growth or change. You realize that once you start your residency... things may even be tougher. Guilt can only keep you in check for so long! Eventually your going to get tired of feeling guilty. So... what makes you think this won't happen again? You describe the affair as almost inevitable. Well, almost inevitable is not really too far down the road ahead. What's changed?
Author once_golden Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Betrayed MM: i could not transfer schools so late in the curriculum. the administration did nothing. there was nothing i could do about being in the same building with him - short of dropping out of medical school. my husband DID NOT and DOES NOT want that ever. he says we've lost enough. had i not finished med school - it would've been one more blow. i did go NC. i don't have a friendly relationship with this guy anymore. i hate him - and he knows it. we bump into each other at school but that's it. we don't have contact. nor do i want to have contact with him. of any sort. i am NOT protecting the professor. my husband does not want to tell the OW. as you and everyone else has pointed out - it should be his decision - not mine. i do not look up to him anymore. i think he is a slimeball who took advantage of his position of authority over me. note that i do not think he took advantage of me. i am an adult, i could have walked away. i know that. but he doesn't have much in the way of ethics. and finally - inevitable was the wrong word - and i knew it as i chose to use it. it wasn't inevitable, it wasn't fate or destiny - it was a bad decision. i know that. i couldn't think of a better word for it. Cobra: what changed is that i came to my senses - realized what i had so carelessly jeopardized. i love my husband, i want children with him, i want to grow old with him. i was placing all that at risk for physical amusement. it's f*cked up and wrong. how do i know i won't do it again? i already addressed that here. no one can know they will or won't do something for sure. but i believe i won't do it again because it was a despicable thing, i love my husband, and if i was going to do it again - i would just walk away from the marriage. what's the point in being married if i'm going to act like that? guilt doesn't stop me from wanting to do this again. i think guilt is a wasted emotion. it accomplishes nothing. i am sorry for what i did, i take responsibility, i try to show my husband that i love him every day, and that's all i can do. being guilty does nothing. i am sorry, i am working toward being the person i thought i was, what else can i do?
Cobra_X30 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Cobra: what changed is that i came to my senses - realized what i had so carelessly jeopardized. i love my husband, i want children with him, i want to grow old with him. i was placing all that at risk for physical amusement. it's f*cked up and wrong. how do i know i won't do it again? i already addressed that here. no one can know they will or won't do something for sure. but i believe i won't do it again because it was a despicable thing, i love my husband, and if i was going to do it again - i would just walk away from the marriage. what's the point in being married if i'm going to act like that? guilt doesn't stop me from wanting to do this again. i think guilt is a wasted emotion. it accomplishes nothing. i am sorry for what i did, i take responsibility, i try to show my husband that i love him every day, and that's all i can do. being guilty does nothing. i am sorry, i am working toward being the person i thought i was, what else can i do? I know that you believe what you say and that you are talking straight from you heart. I suppose my question is probably the same thing your H is asking himself right now. Which is part of your dilemma. I understand that there are no guarantees in life, but trust is like credit. You've declared bankruptcy once... what steps are you taking to rebuild your credit? I really get the impression that you are both very busy and don't have as much time for each other as you would like. Is that a fair characterization? Lastly, the reason you came here is essentially to ask what you can do to rebuild your H's self image. If this is the case, what steps are you currently taking to accomplish this?
Author once_golden Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 realistically - who spends enough time with their spouse? there are bills to pay, cars to fix, jobs to do (or school, as the case may be). we have dinner together every night (not in front of the TV), we see movies together on the weekends, we wind up spending 90% of our spare time together. and we make time for each other whenever humanly possible. as far as building him back up - i try to ALWAYS be receptive to sex, even if that means twice a day (which it sometimes does), i try to tell him frequently how attractive i find him, how much i enjoy his company. i always dress very attractively/fashionably so that he's proud to be with me. i'm working in every way i can to build him up. and the funny thing is - it isn't even work. i really do feel all these things. i guess i could do with sex 4 times a week or less - but since he needs it much more frequently - then i'm amenable to that. i don't really know what else to do. i drop by his office sometimes to surprise him for lunch - i bring him treats when i go to the grocery store.he always knows where i am - i've given him all my email passwords so that he can check if he starts to feel insecure. amazingly, he already seems to trust me. he never checks my email, he doesn't grill me about where i've been or my itinerary. he's actually very trusting, believe it or not. i feel like i'm making every effort.
TMCM Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) O_G, Your in medicine, how realistic is for a couple that was involved in a serious vehicle collision, required hospitalization, surgery, and lengthy convalescing and physical therapy, to expect them to get off their beds and start Tango dancing? Not very, right? Your affair has been over for 1.5 years but how long has it been since you had no contact with the OM? Marital recovery cannot start until after all contact with the OP ends. It's been said that recovery from an affair can take anywhere from 2-5 years. Please try to be patient and treat this as a one-day-at-a-time process that cannot and should not be rushed. Edited February 9, 2008 by TMCM
Author once_golden Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 TMCM: you're definitely right. and it's gotten easier and easier every day that passes. not easy, mind you - just easier. and my husband really does love me - and has been wonderful - even worrying about my state of mind - my guilt - my self-esteem. so maybe i'm just expecting too much too fast and trying to think of ways to heal everything as fast as possible. it's not laziness or impatience on my part - i just don't want my husband spending another day miserable or hurt because of me.
TMCM Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 O_G, I understand, but please look at how much you are also helping him to recover. That in and of itself speaks volumes of you.
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