once_golden Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I am 28 years old. I married when I was barely 20 to my BF of 2.5 years. He is - in every way - an excellent man. He has supported me through undergraduate and an incredibly demanding graduate medical program. In no way has he ever failed me. We've always planned our future and family without hesitation. After 8 years of marriage, I am still physically and emotionally attracted to him. We were both virgins when we married. When I was 26, I met one of my professor, one thing led to another, and we had an affair. There were many precipitating events, but I take full responsibility for my actions. It was a terrible mistake. It lasted 4 months, then I voluntarily ended it by confessing to my husband. We have been working on rebuilding our marriage since then. However, I felt that what I did - given the fact that we were both virgins - was horrible. He gave up dating and having sex with other women to marry me. As a result, I recently offered (the affair ended 1.5 years ago) to let him have sex with another woman if this would help him get over the affair. Naturally, his self-esteem suffered awfully post-infidelity. I know the immediate gut response is BAD IDEA. Ok, I realize that on the surface, this sounds like a horrible idea. Despite my affair, we are committed to each other. We love each other and are willing to work through the hard times. We've already worked through a year and a half of it! He has given this many days of thought and after talking it over - we both think it would be the best thing for him. He doesn't want to get revenge on me or hurt me, but he would like to experience another woman. He is okay with my participation in selecting the female, with it being a short-term physical relationship, and nothing more. Further, he realizes that this is a selfish decision. Also - that I am making a selfless gesture. We love each other deeply and have been together 10 years. We want to have children and talk daily about our future. If I tell him that I think this is a bad idea and that I don't want him to do it, he won't. I honestly feel that this might "level the playing field" so to speak. It will allow us to be SOMEWHAT equal again. I realize that him having a short sexual affair that I condone will in no way equal the betrayal that I dealt him with my infidelity - but there is nothing that could do that. Does anyone have any experience with this? Thanks in advance!
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I've heard some bad ideas in my time, but this might be be the worst!!! Love is not about compounding the pain and hurt that occurs by giving it back to our partner, even if they masochistically give us permission to do so. If you two had a huge arguement and he hit you (almost as unforgivable as an affair), would you make it right ("level the playing field") by punching him in the face? You've already survived one huge hit to your relationship, one from which very few couples recover. If you really want to have a future together, don't do this... Mr. Lucky BTW - oncegolden, that you would first cheat on your partner and them give him permission to have "make-up adultrey" (with someone you help select) makes you a serious candidate for IC.
StillSame Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 When I was 26, I met one of my professor, one thing led to another, and we had an affair. You seem like a very smart woman. What were you thinking when you had that affair? What were the circumstances that caused the affair? How do you know for sure that it won't happen again 5 years down the road with another man?
Author once_golden Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 there were many different events leading up to the affair. but honestly, i was weak and terribly naive. i idolized my professor, admired his accomplishments, was incredibly validated when he paid attention to me. what other reasons did i need to make a stupid decision? if you want to lay blame on something - there was a terrible tragedy in my family a few months previously from which my family has still not and will not ever fully recover. my uncle also died from cancer at the same time, and my husband's grandmother died. i was emotionally exhausted. couple that with spending anywhere from 9-24 hours a day at school frantically studying - and i was just in a really really bad place. my husband is completing a rigorous phd (only 10% of people finish this program) - we were emotionally distant, i was in mourning, blah blah blah. but when it comes down to it - i did a selfish thing to make myself feel better. i don't know that i will never have another affair. but this has irrevocably changed me. my self-esteem has plummeted. i never saw myself as a cheater - EVER. i have never cheated at anything. ANYTHING. i always saw myself as very very superior - in a perfect marriage with a perfect man. and then i fell. and hard. the point is that i know now that i'm deeply flawed. that mental pedestal i had myself up on - it was fake. and i know that to do something again like this - to devastate my kind husband the way i did - to ruin his spirit, destroy his self-esteem, and to cause him this kind of pain - it would kill me too. i was selfish, i was childish, but at least now i know these things. i do believe people can change. i wasn't raised to be like this. my parents are still married after 25 years together, my grandparents after 53 (happily married, i might add). MR LUCKY: i agree with the assessment that compounding hurt is not the way to solve problems - two wrongs never make a right. at least - that's what they teach us from childhood. but your fight analogy is not a good one. fights are heated, spur of the moment decision. my husband and i have talked about this, thought about it long and hard. this isn't some off-the-cuff decision. what would be different if we separated and he saw other people briefly? and i've had counseling. i'm not making this decision about of guilt. i do honestly see a way it might bring us back to level, move us past the stumbling block of intermittent hurt and anguish, and put us on the path we once were. we will never be equals again - i will always be the one that failed in my vows - but we can be closer to equals.
Tomcat33 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 MR LUCKY: i agree with the assessment that compounding hurt is not the way to solve problems - two wrongs never make a right. at least - that's what they teach us from childhood. but your fight analogy is not a good one. fights are heated, spur of the moment decision. my husband and i have talked about this, thought about it long and hard. this isn't some off-the-cuff decision. what would be different if we separated and he saw other people briefly? . Actually I thought the analogy was pretty bang on. An affair, much like a punch in a fight happens in the heat of moment of extre emotional turmoil yet the talk of having a squaring off affair and a squaring off punch are both premeditated and thought out. I find they are quite similar actually... Was the prof married too? How did it affect your class when you ended the A? I think it's a bad idea, but then again if you think that you are strong enough to deal with the reprecutions of seeing and knowing your man is off with another woman then who are we to comment right? I can see why you are inclined to do this but is it really just about the sex or is it about your H getting revenge? If it is really just about the sex once should be enough, I don't get why this idea that it has to be a "short term "physical relation? I think it is the guilt on your part agreeing to do this, and for him I think it is revenge combination curiosity for another woman. When you both realise that this is exactly what was driving you to make this decision you will be knee deep in the effects of what you decided, and emotionally I think you will set all your recovery back even further than what it was after your A. What if after your H decides, well this was great and all but that still doesn't excuse the deception you put me through? See one thing is the act itself the other is all the emotions that lead up to it, stop and think what is really driving you guys if you don't deal with it now it will be two fold when you are going through it. Having sex with another woman is not going to erase his feelings about being deceived by you. Time an love and rebuilt trust will. I don't think you can give all that when your partner is off shagging someone else...?
D-Lish Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I have had a similar experience- at least with marrying someone with no prior experience with sex before me. I met my ex-husband when he was 20 and I was 25. he was a virgin and I was not. It wasn't a problem until we were together for 7 years and he started feeling like he had missed out on having dating experience. We ended up seperating so he could figure things out- and shortly after he knocked up the very first woman he slept with after we seperated. It was a devastating experience for both of us. He is now trapped/married to this woman because of the child. If nothing else, I understand that when you meet when you are so young, that you miss out on certain things- like dating. In the back of my head I always wondered if that issue would come up for him.... but we were so in love. I broke up with him early in the relationship and told him to date for a bit.... but he was adamant he wanted no one else- so we stuck together and got married. I can see where you and your husband are coming from. I also understand why you felt the need to have an affair. I do however think it's a bad idea for you to introduce another affair into the picture. I think that would hurt any progress you have made rather than make things better. You made a mistake. You have to forgive yourself. He needs to find it in his heart to forgive you and move forward with you. Giving him permission to have an affair isn't a good way to handle this- I truly think it will only introduce more pain and confusion into your already painful situation. Couple's counselling? Have you tried that?
Author once_golden Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 we discussed at length whether one time with another woman would be enough to make us "equal" and we BOTH decided that the part of my affair that was so devastating was the emotional ties with my partner. further, it was the deception itself rather than the physical relationship that hurt him so. it also lasted 4 months. one time with another woman would not equal that. but then again - 500 times with another woman or 90 other women - with my consent - as i said before - won't equal the damage i did to him. i fully understand that. he is not doing this out of vindictiveness. he never even brought this up. it was 100% my idea, and honestly, i think it shocked him. we've been working through this for 1.5 years. we've talked about kids, our family together. we are best friends, deeply entwined in each other's lives. i love his family as if i was born into it and the same is true for him. we are part of each other. knowing that we have this depth of love for not just each other but each others' families makes it hard to believe that we can't weather any storm. i understand why everyone thinks it's a bad idea. i do. i can see many reasons it might fail. if we do this, it won't be lightly. IF we do it. i love him. i want to make him happy. i want him to have better self-esteem (which was never a problem before - he's good looking, ridiculously smart, and kind)...i can't bear that i destroyed his self-esteem so thoroughly. ya'll might say suffer through it- work on it. but life is very very short. so terribly short. and if he could be happy again with me - happy and whole - isn't that worth the risk? D-LISH: i was in counseling during the affair - but i gave up on it. honestly, i was smarter and knew more about the human condition than did my counselor. after reading numerous books, talking to others, i've come to the conclusion that counselors are human too - and there isn't much they can't tell me that i haven't already figured out (in some form) myself. i'm sorry for you and your ex. thank you for sharing that.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 we will never be equals again - i will always be the one that failed in my vows - but we can be closer to equals. By having him fail in his vows too? If you did indeed "fail", how does chopping him down to that level improve your marriage? That part I don't get . I think that, at least at this point, this is all about you. This proposal is your penance, the emotional equivalent of sackcloth, ashes and thorns. You'll just have to realize that (from one flawed human being to another), your redemption doesn't come from something your Husband does. It comes from something you can do going forward - be a great wife, a good friend, a faithful lover and (someday) a wonderful and caring Mother to his kids. You want to make it up to him, in my opinion, that's the way to go... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky
eeyore1980 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 By having him fail in his vows too? If you did indeed "fail", how does chopping him down to that level improve your marriage? That part I don't get . I think that, at least at this point, this is all about you. This proposal is your penance, the emotional equivalent of sackcloth, ashes and thorns. You'll just have to realize that (from one flawed human being to another), your redemption doesn't come from something your Husband does. It comes from something you can do going forward - be a great wife, a good friend, a faithful lover and (someday) a wonderful and caring Mother to his kids. You want to make it up to him, in my opinion, that's the way to go... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky I agree this is all about you. You have fallen from the pedestal you set yourself on, your husband is still on a pedestal. By him doing this, he will also be fallen, and while maybe not even to how low you have gone, the distance between you will be smaller, and then you don't have to work as hard to get back in the same place as him. This is a very bad idea, and if you follow through on this, you are going to find the idea of it versus the reality of it are two very different things. It will start out with you wondering if she is better in bed than you, did he do this with her, did he do that with her, and move on to whether he is thinking about her while he is with you, did/does he have feelings for her. How is this constructive in any way to rebuilding your marriage? If you want to be on an even playing field, then you need to go above and beyond with your love for your husband, show him every day how much he means to you and how sorry you are, and help him get past this and be able to not think about it all the time. Throwing another affair into the mix is not going to accomplish anything but more devastation.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 we discussed at length whether one time with another woman would be enough to make us "equal" and we BOTH decided that the part of my affair that was so devastating was the emotional ties with my partner. further, it was the deception itself rather than the physical relationship that hurt him so. it also lasted 4 months. one time with another woman would not equal that. but then again - 500 times with another woman or 90 other women - with my consent - as i said before - won't equal the damage i did to him. i fully understand that. i understand why everyone thinks it's a bad idea. i do. i can see many reasons it might fail. if we do this, it won't be lightly. IF we do it. What do you really expect to gain from this? Wouldn't it be better to just leave? To let him find someone that really loves him? Pushing him to throw away his values isn't a loving thing to do... don't you want the best for him? I know you said that this offer was pretty selfless, but I really disagree with that. I think this is a very selfish idea on your part. It makes me think you don't really love him.
TMCM Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 O_G, What kind of woman would have sex with a man she knows very little about? A woman who will have sex with any man. A whore. Of course there is no emotional involvement in having sex with a whore but I doubt that you would want to finance 4 months of sex. Ok let's forget the idea of getting a whore to have sex with your husband, the next candidate would be a married woman in a sexless marriage. The problem there is that the sex may be just the 'foot in the door' to something bigger, maybe not on your husband's side but possibly on her side. Let's face it, even after sex there is a good chance that they will have time to connect on other levels of intimacy and that could spell trouble. Furthermore, the two of you would be aiding and abetting the destruction of another marriage, which is something that should not be done. So the whore is out, the married woman in a sexless marriage is out, what's left? Well IF you have a close personal female friend who has been physically attracted to your husband, you may choose to go that route. The problem is the same with the married woman in a sexless marriage scenario in that more than just sex could develop. Not to mention, your close friendship with that woman would be irreversible changed and not for the better. So how do you 'level the playing field'? The ONLY way is for him to do the same thing you did and have an affair of his own. The problem is that this could effectively end up destroying your marriage. If you stop and think about it for a minute this whole 'leveling the playing field' only ends up opening more can of worms than it is really worth. You and your husband should do some very serious soul searching if you truly want to proceed with this considering that it is definitely NOT a risk free venture. Good luck.
BetrayedMM Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I can understand your need to set things right. I can admire your willingness to 'take your lumps'. I can even understand your desire to 'punish' yourself. Here's what I don't understand- how is it that you get to pick the 'punishment'? For that matter, since this was your idea, and your suggestion, you would only be 'evening the score' regarding sex. How does this pay you back for the lying, sneaking, the loss of trust, the crushing of his soul? While he will get to experience a sexual adventure, possibly a fantasy fulfilled, it does nothing to make him feel better about you. Rather, it tells him that in your way of thinking, sex outside the marriage can be justified. How could he possibly trust you now? You have stoked up the resentment in his heart, have told him that revenge is the answer. You are encouraging him to have the revenge that he as a human being has no doubt considered, possibly ruled out. Well, not now. You are literally asking for it. What you fail to see is that he will take the woman you choose for him, sure, but it opens the door for another one of HIS choosing. A woman you wouldn't approve of at all. A woman who would compete with you. Behind your back. OTOH, you really are opening the door for receiving the punishment you actually do deserve... What should you do? I don't know. Even backpedaling will cause big problems now. He'll resent that just as much, if not more. Good luck.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 What kind of woman would have sex with a man she knows very little about? A woman who will have sex with any man. A whore. Of course there is no emotional involvement in having sex with a whore but I doubt that you would want to finance 4 months of sex. Ok let's forget the idea of getting a whore to have sex with your husband, the next candidate would be a married woman in a sexless marriage. The problem there is that the sex may be just the 'foot in the door' to something bigger, maybe not on your husband's side but possibly on her side. Let's face it, even after sex there is a good chance that they will have time to connect on other levels of intimacy and that could spell trouble. Furthermore, the two of you would be aiding and abetting the destruction of another marriage, which is something that should not be done. So the whore is out, the married woman in a sexless marriage is out, what's left? Well IF you have a close personal female friend who has been physically attracted to your husband, you may choose to go that route. The problem is the same with the married woman in a sexless marriage scenario in that more than just sex could develop. Not to mention, your close friendship with that woman would be irreversible changed and not for the better. I agree that this concept (which is flawed in itself) breaks down when you start to get into the practical details. And oncegolden, let me ask you this - let's say you've set up this sexual assignment under one of the scenarios that TMCM has outlined. And you're going to pick your H up after the first of these planned roundevous. What do you think he would be feeling as he got into your car? Happy that he's gotten even? Proud that he's leveled the playing field? My guess would be "none of the above"... Mr. Lucky
Cobra_X30 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I agree that this concept (which is flawed in itself) breaks down when you start to get into the practical details. And oncegolden, let me ask you this - let's say you've set up this sexual assignment under one of the scenarios that TMCM has outlined. And you're going to pick your H up after the first of these planned roundevous. What do you think he would be feeling as he got into your car? Happy that he's gotten even? Proud that he's leveled the playing field? My guess would be "none of the above"... Mr. Lucky I think that the greatest flaw to her thinking here is why she wants it. This is most likely just to assuage her guilt... to bring her H down the the same level! On top of that she wants to control the situation so that she can do this safely without any risk to herself. Do you concur?
TMCM Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 O-G, Your idea is akin to creating an 'open' marriage. Many who have done this, later on live to regret this decision. TMCM
Cobra_X30 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 O-G, Your idea is akin to creating an 'open' marriage. Many who have done this, later on live to regret this decision. TMCM I don't think that is what she is suggesting or intending. I can't speak to this exactly, but I'm thinking she is considering this to be just on one time or one woman deal. I was just considering, what are the chances that this has something to do with bet hedging? This is simple, see as she gets older she also gets less attractive to the vast majority of available males. Her husband however will become more financially solvent and attractive to a wider number of available females. Which will provide him greater incentive to leave her for someone else, especially considering that her past infidelity reduces her overall value to him as a wife. Therefore with this kind of thinking if he has already experienced other women in a controlled setting he will be less likely to be curious, and she will have some kind of emotional leverage on him. Maybe I'm wrong on this, but it seems like a possibility.
juliegeraci Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I can totally relate. I had an affair with my husband and only wished that he would do the same to me. I really hope this works out for you. In the end, I had to terminate my affair and friendship with the other man to save my marriage. A marriage my husband wanted to desperately save. Good luck to you.
Author once_golden Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 cobra: you are making a greal deal of assumptions about me without *obviously* having read all of my posts. i'm not some vindictive slut out to get my husband to fall to "my level" so that i can feel better about myself. FURTHER - i am not trying to leverage anything against anyone. obviously, you haven't read much of what i've written or you'd see that. i've been with my husband for 11 years. i love him. i did a terrible, terrible thing in which i thought only of myself. jesus christ - everyone does selfish things and everyone makes mistakes. i'm trying to fix it - any way that i possibly can. tell me this - if i don't love him - as you assert - then why in god's name would i have voluntarily confessed to him that i had an affair? he had no idea. i was not caught, the affair was still exciting and forbidden. i could have kept it going much longer. it could still be going. but i realized what i was doing, and i ended it. i could have ended the marriage - released my husband to find someone else - someone who hadn't betrayed him but i didn't. he wanted to stay married and to stay committed - and i wanted to try.if my husband thinks we could level the PHYSICAL FIELD *OBVIOUSLY not the emotional one* and we could move on with our lives and have children, then i'd be willing. wouldn't trying be better than just giving up? of course we discussed the fact that him breaking his wedding vows wouldn't necessarily help us - and that him throwing away his long engrained values didn't seem like a good or healing idea. it's insulting that you insinuate otherwise. it'd be nice if you'd stop talking about me in the third person and direct your comments about my future solvency and attractiveness to me. in 3 months, i will be a doctor - and i will be plenty solvent without the help of a man. further, i will make more money then my husband, so i really don't think that's going to be an issue later in life, as you so mistakingly said. i came here for help because i am struggling, because i made a huge mistake, because i love my husband, and because i want to stay married and become the person i once thought i was. if you have no comments to make other than insulting ones, please keep quiet on the subject. thanks.
Author once_golden Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 TMCM: to address your points: people that have sex without strings attached are not all whores. my husband would NEVER consent to being the "other man" in a relationship. he would never ever help cuckold another man so that he could feel satisfied with our relationship. it devastated him. he would never perpetrate that act against someone else. as to a close friend - well we bounced the idea around but realized it was a really bad one. we considered separating physically - i am about to graduate medical school and start my internship - so we discussed my moving and his staying. and him dating others. i have no desire to see anyone else. the logistics of the idea are hard to work out - and there is certainly risk. pregnancy, STDs, hurting others...as i said - we've talked about it. this isn't something we've decided to do, it's just an option i put out on the table.
Author once_golden Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 tom cat: how do you know time and love and rebuilt trust will fix us? what if it doesn't? i don't want my husband shackled to me out of a strong sense of commitment and miserable for the rest of his life. despite what some think - i do love him. i do want him to be happy. it breaks my heart to realize that i - his wife and best friend - destroyed him so. i'm so afraid that if i don't find something somehow that will bring his self-esteem back - that will make him believe he is attractive and sexy - then he will never be happy with me again. he honors his commitments. as i said - this was my idea - 1.5 years AFTER the affair ended. i want to help him desperately. if that means that i have to be hurt some - then so be it. it will never equal the hurt i dealt him.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 cobra: you are making a greal deal of assumptions about me without *obviously* having read all of my posts. i'm not some vindictive slut out to get my husband to fall to "my level" so that i can feel better about myself. FURTHER - i am not trying to leverage anything against anyone. obviously, you haven't read much of what i've written or you'd see that. it'd be nice if you'd stop talking about me in the third person and direct your comments about my future solvency and attractiveness to me. in 3 months, i will be a doctor - and i will be plenty solvent without the help of a man. further, i will make more money then my husband, so i really don't think that's going to be an issue later in life, as you so mistakingly said. i came here for help because i am struggling, because i made a huge mistake, because i love my husband, and because i want to stay married and become the person i once thought i was. if you have no comments to make other than insulting ones, please keep quiet on the subject. thanks. I didn't intend to imply that you are some vindictive slut. I apologize if it sounded that way. I can assure you that I read all of your posts. I was throwing out the suggestion that inside you fear that your husband will leave you down the road, and that this may be a way of preventing that. In regards to your future prospects... I wasn't really talking about how much money you make or don't make. I'm sure that no matter the future outcome may be, that you will be financially Ok. Now, in regards to your intentions for this. I understand that you feel guilty, and that you want to assuage that guilt. Essentially you are telling me that this is 100% motivated by your love for him? Is that the case?
Author once_golden Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 (edited) allowing my husband to have sex with another woman will not assuage my guilt in the slightest. i will always always always always be the one that failed him, no matter what happens. to compound the guilt, i will then have feelings of guilt about bringing my husband to my level. i do NOT want him to have sex with another woman. i recoil from the very thought of it. but it hurts me terribly - and i mean this in all honesty - TERRIBLY - to know that i wrecked him. he is a singular person. my friends tell me that, his friends tell me that. kind, gentle, a person that never hurts others. he has been so selfless throughout our marriage - and i have always, always, always been selfish. i never realized it until now. (that's what happens when you marry at 20 - you do your growing up as a wife - and then figure out how stupid you were and how little you knew at 20 years old). before this occurred, he was oblivious to other women. i was his best friend, his confidante, his lover. and now a wall exists between us. if there is anything that can take that wall down - no matter how much it hurts me - then isn't it worth that? isn't 11 years worth making an effort for - before deciding it was all for naught and divorcing? i want so desperately to go back and fix this. obviously i cannot do that. my only other alternative is to look for something that will help him move beyond this. he will never forget it, it will never stop hurting him, it will never be 100% okay again - but if we can find happiness - even an imperfect kind - isn't that worth it? it is not 100% altruistic. my happiness is entwined with my husband's happiness. if he is happy, then i am too. so there is a selfish component. but i really do not believe that i am doing this to assuage my guilt. i've thought about this long and hard. i thought about it long and hard before i brought it up to my husband even. Edited February 6, 2008 by once_golden
Cobra_X30 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 before this occurred, he was oblivious to other women. i was his best friend, his confidante, his lover. and now a wall exists between us. if there is anything that can take that wall down - no matter how much it hurts me - then isn't it worth that? isn't 11 years worth making an effort for - before deciding it was all for naught and divorcing? i want so desperately to go back and fix this. obviously i cannot do that. my only other alternative is to look for something that will help him move beyond this. he will never forget it, it will never stop hurting him, it will never be 100% okay again - but if we can find happiness - even an imperfect kind - isn't that worth it? it is not 100% altruistic. my happiness is entwined with my husband's happiness. if he is happy, then i am too. so there is a selfish component. but i really do not believe that i am doing this to assuage my guilt. i've thought about this long and hard. i thought about it long and hard before i brought it up to my husband even. I hear what your saying. There is another way! He has given you that second chance. It's been 1.5 years, this usually takes longer to heal. You say that there is a wall between you two. What is that wall and where does it come from? Does he feel that wall as well? Walls come up for many, many different reasons. Lack of trust, respect, fear, ... ect. It usually works best if you identify the exact problem before you start working on a solution. The only thing that would really worry me is if he had a sense of injustice about this.
Author once_golden Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 (edited) he has an enormous sense of injustice. i forgot to mention that this professor was also married with a baby. once i ended it, my husband and i debated long and hard whether or not to tell his wife. we decided not to do so. there were a variety of reasons - the involvement of a child, etc. most selfishly - she is also a professor at my school. i see her quite regularly. he feels on multiple levels that a great injustice has been done. he has suffered while the OM has gone on with his life - albeit uncomfortably. it's been embarrassing for him - but his wife doesn't know, they just had another baby, and he feels safe, i suppose. also - part of the wall is the fact that i still see this professor intermittently. he did not lose his job, i could not transfer due to the nature of medical programs. we have absolutely no relationship - friendly or otherwise - but that stumbling block still exists for him. the affair ended 1.5 years ago - but i've seen the prof sporadically just due to running into him at school. that makes everything harder. i genuinely hope and think that in 3 months, when i graduate and get away, our lives will be better. lastly, he feels i did him an injustice. he chose to marry me without having been with other women, without really dating, having never traveled. i was enough to satisfy him. he understood that you can't have your cake and eat it too. which is exactly what i tried to do. it seems unjust. i think he feels injustice all around. Edited February 6, 2008 by once_golden
BetrayedMM Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Oh yeah, he definitely got the s****y end of the stick. You have the right attitude, but seem to have come to a messed up conclusion. You can't just go and get revenge for him, he would only be jumping through hoops. The whole point is, you shouldn't be justifying sex outside the marriage at all.
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