OliveJuice Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I'm so thankful to have found this site. I debated on whether or not to participate in this forum, but after reading other posts, I think the advice and friendly support may be what I need right now. I can't discuss my problem with ANYONE, for obvious reasons. So, I'm going to lay it on the line here. "John" and I met at work. We are both officers. We work in an enviroment that makes everyone very close by experiencing situations that one would never experience in everyday life. It's exciting and fun at the same time. Well, John and I are both married. Eventually, we found ourselves discussing our personal lives. In him, I found someone who actually listened and cared about issues in my life. He became genuinely protective at work and just made me feel like I was worth something. I know what was missing from my marriage. I call it the "missing pieces". There is a "core" of genuine love in my marriage. (We've been together for 7 years) But, over time, pieces become missing. The affection, desire, fun, kisses, respect, admiration, etc. all fall away. Eventually, all one is left with is the core. I told John I realized we were only the "missing pieces" to each other. He loves his W and I love my H. Well, that was in the beginning. The relationship progressed to the physical and I had so many mixed feelings about it but it was what I needed. It was fun and exciting. He made me feel so alive and beautiful and desired. One night he told me he loved me. I didn't really believe him. In my mind, I knew it was just an A. I convinced myself that there was no harm in it as long it was just between us and no one else knew. But, then I guess I fell. I am a level headed woman but the things he told me and the way he looked at me and the fun we'd have together (not even sexually) caused me to dream of a life so different from the one I was running from. This went on for only 3 months. He did try to end it with me once. It was because of his two kids. I was surprised that it hurt so much, but I told him that he was making the right choice. I told him that I'd be fine and that I knew that day would come. I told him it was okay. But, he called the next day. I felt like a stupid love sick teenager. Since then, things became a little strained between us. We continued to spend time together and talk, but not as much. I knew it was the beginning of the end. I just clung onto whatever he could give. I told him I was okay with that. Well, here's where it gets very complicated. His W found out. She guessed his password and read all the intimate e-mails he'd sent me and didn't delete. I can only imagine how much that hurt her. The words he wrote weren't sexual...they were emotional and detailed how he didn't belong with her and that he was completely in love with me. The joy I'd received from those e-mails now haunt me, knowing how devesating they are to her. I am so wracked with guilt. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. Well, that was a week ago. I guess she left him and took the kids and he is devestated! Last I saw him, (5 days ago) he was walking around, unshaven, like a zombie. He was crying and in a daze. He called in sick to work. He has had no contact with me what so ever. The last time I talked to him, the day after she found out, I told him that I would put in for a transfer. He immediately said no. He said I would be running away from him. He told me to give it a week. I told him, before I left, that I was his friend and if he needed me, to call. Well, I haven't heard from him. My mind tells me that this was only a game both of us were playing. When we talked about how much fun we could have in life together, we were really pretending our spouses didn't exist at all. All of the "if only's" didn't include the reality. I told him that I wasn't happy about what happened (his W finding out). I told him that I never wanted him to HAVE to do anything he didn't CHOOSE to do. And he didn't choose to leave his family. She left him and now, I'm certain, he realizes the mistake. So, I guess the bottom line is I'll see him at work tomorrow and find out what's going on. I've prepared myself for the inevitable...he wants to work things out with her. But, there's a part of me that hopes he really does love me and I will find out that it wasn't just a big lie. I told my H about John. I left out intimate details and just told him about the emotional side of things. I told him that Johns W kicked him out because of me and to expect her to call. (Which she hasn't, yet.) My H loves me very much, but it's a relationship that I've tried to get out of for many years. (We have no children together, btw.) He has clung onto me in an effort to keep me. That's an awesome love that makes me feel even more guilty. I'm not in love with my H. I haven't been for a long time. I know that sounds horrible. There are so many "missing pieces" and even more I recognize now because of John. I have woven such a tangled web. I guess that's all I have. It helps to put it out there. Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 YOu can only wait and see what will happen. MM is distraught because what he has known for so long is now up in the air/out of his control. His fear is that he may not get to see his kids, as he wishes. He's confused, scared and riddled with guilt. Your H is also confused and scared. You are heartbroken and guilty. The unknown is a killer, but all will show it's true colors. The W - although not knowingly is in full control of everyones' lives right now. Everyone is waiting for her reactions. Stay strong and wait to hear from MM. Don't initiate contact - it will only anger him (probably). Let things fall into place and deal with that. Post the changes that occur and we will help you through it......
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 It sounds like MM realized that once he lost his core, all he had was a bunch of missing pieces - and he desperately wants that core back. I expect if your H had found out the truth in such a devastating way and he had walked out on you the same way you would feel much like MM does now. If you want out of your marriage the most humane thing you can do is to leave it now. Not for John - I think John is going to put nearly every bit of effort into regaining his core and won't be needing any missing pieces for a while since he will try to do whatever is necessary to find those pieces within his own marriage. You may need to find a core and pieces of your own separate from both John and your husband.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I told my H about John. I left out intimate details and just told him about the emotional side of things. I told him that Johns W kicked him out because of me and to expect her to call. (Which she hasn't, yet.) My H loves me very much, but it's a relationship that I've tried to get out of for many years. (We have no children together, btw.) He has clung onto me in an effort to keep me. That's an awesome love that makes me feel even more guilty. I'm not in love with my H. I haven't been for a long time. I know that sounds horrible. There are so many "missing pieces" and even more I recognize now because of John. I have woven such a tangled web. I guess that's all I have. It helps to put it out there. Thanks for the opportunity to vent. OJ, you have already made your choice. Your marriage has failed and it's about time to let your H in on that. It will hurt him at first, but in the end he will have a chance to move on and to heal. Honestly, it's not your job to worry about him anymore. What you do should be completely independant of what 'John' does. End your sham marriage so that you can move on and find real love, not some tawdry affair.
OpenBook Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I know what was missing from my marriage. I call it the "missing pieces". There is a "core" of genuine love in my marriage. (We've been together for 7 years) But, over time, pieces become missing. The affection, desire, fun, kisses, respect, admiration, etc. all fall away. Eventually, all one is left with is the core... My H loves me very much, but it's a relationship that I've tried to get out of for many years. (We have no children together, btw.) He has clung onto me in an effort to keep me. That's an awesome love that makes me feel even more guilty. I'm not in love with my H. I haven't been for a long time. I know that sounds horrible. There are so many "missing pieces" and even more I recognize now because of John... Olive, I hope you think very very carefully before you give up a man like this (your H). If he is an emotional bottomless pit, that's one thing. But I don't think you would have married an emotional bottomless pit to begin with! You must have been in love with him at one time. Are you sure you aren't "rewriting" your marriage? It is extremely rare to have "genuine love at the core" of a relationship. If you walk away from it, you may never find it again. And the "missing pieces" you describe, well... they are transient, coming from another person. If you replace your H with another man, they will eventually fall away too... and you may not end up with that "core of genuine love." These things should be coming from within yourself anyway... because that is the only reliable source of truth for you.
nellstar Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 How about you sit down with your H and talk to him. About how it all was like in the beginning between the two of you... I think every M fizzles but some make it work by talking about the 'missing pieces'. I think you should at least give it one more shot before really ending it. You could be feeling this way because of John.
LadyDi Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Your MM knows he can call you, so leave him alone. It's hard as hell, but you need to do it. These days won't last forever, little by little your head will clear and you can make some decisions then. Try and stay busy and don't dwell on him. Let him be to work out his life right now.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Olive, I hope you think very very carefully before you give up a man like this (your H). If he is an emotional bottomless pit, that's one thing. But I don't think you would have married an emotional bottomless pit to begin with! You must have been in love with him at one time. Are you sure you aren't "rewriting" your marriage? It is extremely rare to have "genuine love at the core" of a relationship. If you walk away from it, you may never find it again. And the "missing pieces" you describe, well... they are transient, coming from another person. If you replace your H with another man, they will eventually fall away too... and you may not end up with that "core of genuine love." These things should be coming from within yourself anyway... because that is the only reliable source of truth for you. Great post. With that being said, why not focus that energy into your husband, talk to him...Go to counselling if he is up for it. You'd be surprised how quickly those feelings you have for your husband come rushing back, especially if you can detach/distance yourself from the MM. The part I bolded...Think about that. Really think about what it is that you are getting from the MM, not in the heat of the moment, but long term.
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