Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 any other emotion? When you're angry, it's intense, but it subsides and goes away. When you're happy, you feel good for a while, and then you don't. When you're in love, you may feel that way for a while, then you don't. Normal people don't kill those who anger them, because they know the anger will pass. Normal people might drink for a while to make themselves happy at a party, but they know the party will end. But... These same normal people in love get married, then wonder why love doesn't last. How is love different? Now you may be wondering why this fits in "coping." I think it does because maybe it will help explain the sudden changes in emotion that some dumpees feel when their partner suddenly doesn't love them anymore. It's because love is just another emotion like all emotions. And emotions don't last. Comments? Questions? Nothing? It's all good. I like this forum; it is really helping me get over my ex.
latefragment Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 good point. must admit i'm having difficulty ... just had "the talk" on sunday and another follow-up "the talk" today confirming that, indeed, as i had suspected, it's over. i'm crushed. how could someone who once was crazy about me now have no feelings for me. your post, while it was painful to read, is helping blunt a bit of the blow.
CalamitousJane Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Oh, latefragment, it's the same with me and my ex. He says he just doesn't "feel the way he should" about me. I think it's because that "crazy" feeling isn't really about affection and tenderness, much more about adrenaline and wanting. With some people, once they think they've got you in their pocket, the game is over, the adrenaline is gone, the "wanting" is gone and the "love" is gone. I think there are really two pieces to "love" - the feeling and the practice. The feeling tends to come and go, in most people. The practice of love involves commitment, caring, and connection. When you practice love you give someone support, respect and admiration, and you try to understand them even when it's difficult. Practicing love brings more and more feelings of love. Think about it - if you say you love your dog, that probably means you feel love for him because you take good care of him, pay attention to him, and spend time with him. It feels good when you notice how devoted he is to you, in return. The feeling of love comes from you giving love to him, and from accepting it when he gives it back to you. This feeling is pretty different from the feeling you'd be talking about if you said "I LOVE that cute puppy in the pet store - I hope I can save enough money to buy him before someone else does!" People who aren't capable of nurturing something don't understand the loving kind of love, only the wanting kind of love. .
Jmina Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 (edited) I'm not sure how to interpret your post as to whether you firmly believe that love is the same as any other emotion and thefore ends the same, and that you are at peace with this, or that if it is a theory you are trying to work out. I think for one to understand why love ends, stays, changes takes a lot of insight and knowledge from their own experiences. The thought that love ends just like every other emotion can end sounds like a good theory. So why can't we accept it when our lover walks away? One of the mysteries of love. One has not yet been able to DEFINE love as yet. Many have tried, and gotten close but noone can thoroughly describe it. How can you give something an exact definition when the dynamics of that one thing called love constantly changes; not to mention it is different for everyone. What one defines love for themselves may be entirely different for the next. For one, love may end just like happiness, but for another it may be kept alive and stay true forever. There are no boundries and certainly there is no stable ground for one to claim that love IS like any other emotion and that it inevitably ends for all of us. Funnily enough one finds it very hard to let go of anger also... even though it is meant to go away after time...for a lot of us it doesn't. So it seems that there is a similarity when one tries to accept love has ended just like any other emotion, but there is also likeness with love when one tries to disolve their anger. Love is very different from other emotions because Love is more than an emotion. When one finds it hard to understand why their ex doesn't love them anymore it is a shatter of visions for the future, dreams and hopes. Their future plans with this person may be taken away in a second. Suddenly they are on their own, maybe with no money, with no plans of what to do, maybe they can't rely on themselves and have always had that shoulder to lean on, they might not have a grip, they might feel they are out of control;suddenly they have lost power over someone, there are countless reasons to why one finds it extremely hard to get over a lost love and to why one hasnt already figured out your theory. Who am i to say whether you are right or wrong. If it works for you then by all means use it. There are many ways that one can argue your theory, there are many ways that one may attatch themselves to it to gain some reality or clarity about their situation and maybe even peace of mind. Do you have peace of mind Haohmaru? A baby left without love will die. Even if it is fully nourished... Love is a pretty powerful thing. One cannot understand this until s/he has experienced it for themselves. Maybe us dumpees and dumpers besides all the pain we have endured by breaking up are yet to experience this crazy thing called love! When and if you ever have a child haohmaru, or fall in love head over heels, or become a grandparent i would like to hear your theory on love and how we could accept it to end like every other emotion. Just like that. Oh and also maybe you could shed us some light on why people can't accept it, since you can't get over your ex either. Edited February 6, 2008 by Jmina
MakeLemonade Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I believe this is where the "I love you, but I am not IN love with you" comes into play. The intense feeling of being in love in most cases eventually fades, but when 2 people have a life together, a family, a house, friends, things they like to do together, when they have been through many of lifes challenges and back, they have invested that time and effort in their love, that began originally as being IN love. It is the effort and the devotion that keeps the love alive. Yes, love like any other emotion will die when neglected, when someone no longer makes you angry your anger subsides, when someone doesn't feed the feeling of love from their partner or pursues that feeling with another individual, it dies. Great way to post this question - kudos.
melusine71 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I'm not sure that love really is an emotion. Emotions are like, joy or anger or sadness. Love is different. You feel happy because you're in love and yeah, that fades or intensifies but love is er... just different somehow. Just found this on basic emotions: Fear is felt as a heightened heartbeat, increased “flinch” response, and increased muscle tension. Anger, based on sensation, seems indistinguishable from fear. Happiness is often felt as an expansive or swelling feeling in the chest and the sensation of lightness or buoyancy, as if standing underwater. Sadness is often experienced as a feeling of tightness in the throat and eyes, and relaxation in the arms and legs. Shame can be felt as heat in the upper chest and face. Desire can be accompanied by a dry throat, heavy breathing, and increased heart rate Just an idea.
a4a Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Love is a very selfish thing and disappears when the one you love quits supplying you with what you need/want from them. sex, candy, or shoes........ cut those off and no love. (half )
amaysngrace Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 If love is a verb and a noun then it goes to being just a noun that is a bad thing. Especially when your lover took it there. The hard part is changing your love to be just a noun too.
Author Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 (edited) I'm not sure how to interpret your post as to whether you firmly believe that love is the same as any other emotion and thefore ends the same, and that you are at peace with this, or that if it is a theory you are trying to work out. Theories are no good to me. They don't help people. But the person below me said reading this helped blunt the blow. I helped someone. That's the bottom line, no matter what else we discuss here. I think for one to understand why love ends, stays, changes takes a lot of insight and knowledge from their own experiences. The thought that love ends just like every other emotion can end sounds like a good theory. So why can't we accept it when our lover walks away? Oh yeah! Now we get to the good stuff -- intellectually stimulating *****! Helps me keep my mind of my ex. Love DOES end, just not as quickly. Same as a bone fracture takes longer to heal than a muscle sprain. One of the mysteries of love. One has not yet been able to DEFINE love as yet. Maybe not anybody you trust. I can define love, though. The FEELING of love is: sharing fully from a complete soul. The CHOICE of love is: doing whatever for someone no matter what they do to you. Love is very different from other emotions because Love is more than an emotion. When one finds it hard to understand why their ex doesn't love them anymore it is a shatter of visions for the future, dreams and hopes. Their future plans with this person may be taken away in a second. Suddenly they are on their own, maybe with no money, with no plans of what to do, maybe they can't rely on themselves and have always had that shoulder to lean on, they might not have a grip, they might feel they are out of control;suddenly they have lost power over someone, there are countless reasons to why one finds it extremely hard to get over a lost love and to why one hasnt already figured out your theory. Ah ah ahhhhh! Don't confuse the administrative society crap that goes WITH love, with LOVE. (Marriage, joint finances, alimony, supporting children) It is precisely this confusing which accounts for the 45% divorce rate. People thinking they are in love with a person when they are really in love with the SECURITY, or the BRIGHT FUTURE, or the POWER OVER SOMEONE! I could actually apply most of the emotions you stated above to my ex roommate when he skipped out on the rent one month. Do you have peace of mind Haohmaru? Do you? Maybe us dumpees and dumpers besides all the pain we have endured by breaking up are yet to experience this crazy thing called love! I know I've experienced it. I just fell in love with your intellect for about 10 seconds. And I was fully in love. But it went away though. When and if you ever have a child haohmaru, or fall in love head over heels, or become a grandparent i would like to hear your theory on love and how we could accept it to end like every other emotion. Just like that. I never said it ended just like that. Oh and also maybe you could shed us some light on why people can't accept it, since you can't get over your ex either. I have accepted that I am still in love with my ex, even though I can't be with her. This allows me peace. Accepting pain heals it. People don't accept it because they hold out hope. Hope and Love are fickle lovers themselves. When they fight, it's a b@#$h. I say never let them both near you at the same time. Edited February 6, 2008 by Haohmaru
blind_otter Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I disagree. My parents were in love for over 30 years. My mother still loves my father, he passed away in 2006 and she still honors his memory. Parents can and do love their children even after their children have done heinous things.
Author Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 I never said that love ends unequivocally, no matter what. I said that it is like other emotions. It can last, or it can end. I just don't see why ppl think it's always going to last, when other emotions end. The whole "Hope" thing. (see above) I think if we all accept love as an emotion that can end, just like any other emotion, we can better deal with it.
Meaplus3 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 any other emotion? When you're angry, it's intense, but it subsides and goes away. When you're happy, you feel good for a while, and then you don't. When you're in love, you may feel that way for a while, then you don't. Normal people don't kill those who anger them, because they know the anger will pass. Normal people might drink for a while to make themselves happy at a party, but they know the party will end. But... These same normal people in love get married, then wonder why love doesn't last. How is love different? Now you may be wondering why this fits in "coping." I think it does because maybe it will help explain the sudden changes in emotion that some dumpees feel when their partner suddenly doesn't love them anymore. It's because love is just another emotion like all emotions. And emotions don't last. Comments? Questions? Nothing? It's all good. I like this forum; it is really helping me get over my ex. Your post very much peaked my interest I'm not sure how to answer it but I will give it a try.. Well I think love need's to be nourished in order to last..there's are ton's of way's to do this in a R. If that love is receiving the proper nourishment then IMOP it will last and your R will contiue. It when that lack of nourishment break's down then I see how problem's can arise... and it can lead toward's falling out of love with the person your in a R with. Hope I made sense. AP:)
Storyrider Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 But after the initial surge of passion dies down, you should still feel that swelling of affection (ok, I know, punning is imminent) on and off for the person over a long term relationship, just like with parental love or fraternal love or love for a child. With a romantic love, that swelling of affection should be accompanied by wanting the other person sexually. If that is not the case, either you're not doing your share to maintain the relationship properly, or the match is not a good one, or some combination of the two problems.
amaysngrace Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I believe that true love never ends. It changes maybe but it does not end.
blind_otter Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I never said that love ends unequivocally, no matter what. I said that it is like other emotions. It can last, or it can end. I just don't see why ppl think it's always going to last, when other emotions end. The whole "Hope" thing. (see above) I think if we all accept love as an emotion that can end, just like any other emotion, we can better deal with it. I think it's a mistake to label LOVE as a simple emotion. It is much more complex than that. IMO when "love" dies, it is because (a) love was not nurtured by one or both parties or (b) what was felt between the two people was not truely love to begin with. See http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/love/ also http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=888091 See also the definition of emotion: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion
Author Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 On a sidenote, I hope everyone here, including me, finds a never ending love. I have to deal with the real, though, and just know that I may have 5-6 shorter loves throughout life. That's just human nature. I know I love my ex without question now. I really wish I could tell her. (I'm actually welling up) awwwwwwwwwww!
MattyTee Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I never said that love ends unequivocally, no matter what. I said that it is like other emotions. It can last, or it can end. I just don't see why ppl think it's always going to last, when other emotions end. The whole "Hope" thing. (see above) I think if we all accept love as an emotion that can end, just like any other emotion, we can better deal with it. I would agree with other people, in that love is more than an emotion. Emotions get tagged on to love and that is what comes and goes. Love may change, I agree with that. In my opinion when people talk about love ending in a relationship more often than not it is the case that the feelings that go with love: desire, lust, excitement etc., well they may have left. This confuses people and they think if they don't feel 'great' in themselves any more, then they can't be in love. True love is not about what you get out of a situation, it is deeper, it's about some connection beyond all of the ego and the mind. I still love my ex and I know she still loves me. Perhaps none of the feelings that she associates with love remain and I have fully accepted our time together has ended, but that doesn't mean that love has gone. I shall always love her, just as I shall always love my family and other 'soul mates' I have met in life.
MattyTee Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 On a sidenote, I hope everyone here, including me, finds a never ending love. I have to deal with the real, though, and just know that I may have 5-6 shorter loves throughout life. That's just human nature. I know I love my ex without question now. I really wish I could tell her. (I'm actually welling up) awwwwwwwwwww! H, I'll make your wish come true ... you can tell her. The only one stopping you, is you. Love changes and seasons of love come and go, but I don't think true love leaves. I can see you are almost saying this too Remember, courage can be found when we need it
Jmina Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 What the heck Haohmaru! Where do you come up with these things? yes i do have peace of mind. and i know how to maintain it.
Author Haohmaru Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 H, I'll make your wish come true ... you can tell her. The only one stopping you, is you. Love changes and seasons of love come and go, but I don't think true love leaves. I can see you are almost saying this too Remember, courage can be found when we need it But when do I tell her (and why should I?)? I'm pretty sure our time together is up. So me telling her "I love you still" could be construed as me trying to string her along... What the heck Haohmaru! Where do you come up with these things? yes i do have peace of mind. and i know how to maintain it. I can tell. By yelling!
MattyTee Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 But when do I tell her (and why should I?)? I'm pretty sure our time together is up. So me telling her "I love you still" could be construed as me trying to string her along... I can tell. By yelling! If you need me to tell you why you should ... then you shouldn't! As for when, well that is up to you. If you are open and honest with her and with yourself then it doesn't matter how you feel it may be construed. Just sounds like you are coming up with a lot of reasons why not to say anything, perhaps that energy would be better spent discovering how you really feel?
Author Haohmaru Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 ;) I dunno...if u keep winking at me I might start flirting with you... ....OMG what am I saying :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:
Author Haohmaru Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 No I'm not. I don't know much, but I know the difference between those two feelings.
FooledOnce Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Love is not an emotion for the reasons you just described. Emotions are fickle. People who consider love an emotion tend to be fickle lovers. There's a lot more to love than the 'feeling' it gives you.
MattyTee Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 ;) I dunno...if u keep winking at me I might start flirting with you... ....OMG what am I saying :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny: I had something in my eye ... I'll stop winking ...
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